Just started controlled crying - advice please

[Whatevenissleep2]

After months of sleepless nights, contact naps and desperation we have cracked and began controlled crying with DS (9m) following research. We are on day 1 and have made huge progress with my DS falling asleep independently in his cot within an hour. He has never been left for longer than 5 minutes before going back in to reassure and after about 35/40mins of beginning the process, there was long periods of calm before he began to cry in shorter spells.

I’m reaching out to others who have successfully used CC as I’m wondering what I should expect the evening and night to be like? And any more advice? My mental health is particularly delicate at the moment due to having to hold my son from 11-4am in the morning (even co sleeping wouldn’t work) and starting the day at 6am with toddler so please be kind to me if you come across this thread and are against CC. I’m also sat looking at the video monitor feeling intensely guilty.

I regret doing it. My child was the ‘upper limitI’ of how long a child will apparently cry on night 1 before giving up, 45 minutes. I thought she was going to vomit. I feel crap even typing that. And it didn’t work long term anyway in fact every time we went anywhere or had to change the routine a bit we had to do it all over again. But I know how exhausted you must be.

I go against the grain. I think it's dreadful.

I don’t understand why people think it’s helpful to suggest that I’m damaging my child’s brain development etc.

People call out things they think/know are damaging or risky all the time. Puffy coats in car seats, ill fitting slings, early weaning, cot bumpers, smacking etc

Sleep training is not damaging or risky.
Exhaustion is both.

I did sleep training with my 2 when they were just over a year old. Best thing ever and I'm saying it was the best thing for THEIR sake (obviously I also benefitted from not being on my knees with sleep deprivation every day).
All I can say is it gets easier. The first night was horrific and I was in tears too but they "only" cried for just over an hour. I went in to reassure them many times. Between my visits I kept myself busy by cleaning the oven!! It actually really helped me to have something to focus on. I couldn't just sit there.
The second night they cried for 10 minutes (DD) and 30 minutes (DS). By the third night there was barely any crying at all.
People say it's cruel but I can't tell you how strongly I disagree. Sometimes babies get in to the habit of waking up nearly every sleep cycle and thinking they need a parent to help them sleep again. It's exhausting for them (as well as the parent!) and leads to very poor quality sleep. Both my children were really, really suffering with sleep deprivation. They had dark circles around their eyes and were generally miserable and becoming aggressive. After sleep training they were TRANSFORMED! Back to being the happy, smiley babies they used to be. Don't let anyone ever tell you it's cruel! I think teaching my 2 to sleep was one of the best gifts I've ever given them. I also became a much better and happier mother once I was getting some sleep.

It might not be helpful but it's the truth. Read some of the links given in this thread. Controlled crying is of benefit to the parents, not the baby.

I just want to say right off - if your mental health is suffering then absolutely do it. There is no way you can go on indefinitely with very little sleep - there’s a reason why sleep deprivation is a form of torture!!

We used a method where you essentially reduce the amount of help you are giving to me to fall asleep in increments. So you start by holding, then have her lying next to you on the bed with your hand on, then hand off, then further away etc. It just means you’re there with then supporting them the whole time rather than going in and out - but there is still plenty of crying. You also do some techniques to keep yourself calm while doing it. It’s a method I learned from a lady who does it as a business on Facebook. Feel free to message me if you would like her name, I’m not sure if I’m allowed to say it openly.

Please ignore people who tell you you are being cruel and other nonsense - you are important too and you cannot be an effective mum if you’re going nuts through no sleep!!

It's a means to an end

You are at the end of your tether and need sleep

Sleep deprivation is awful and can be dangerous

Your dc needs to learn to sleep independently and self settle

Which will make them a happier child and a happier you in the long run

There is nothing wrong with cc crying.

Tho many will say nooooo I can't do it. Poor child. Etx

Ignore them

This is for you and your family benefit

Usually takes a week or less. Often 3/4/5 nights

Keep firm and strong 💐

@Tinypetunia I’m sorry but you should see the exhaustion and frustration my DS experiences due to not getting good quality sleep. And no these comments aren’t helpful to this particular thread as I asked people who have experience CC to reach out not opinions against controlled crying.

Just ignore them. Clearly their opinion wasn't asked for but where else do they get to feel smug and superior if they don't try and bash people online?

And it hasn't taught my kids not to cry as I won't go it's just taught them how to sleep. If they are ill they cry out for me or in the morning when it's time to wake they cry out. If they have done a poo in the night they cry. They cry when they need me for something. They just don't need me to fall asleep anymore.

OP no experience here I can offer, but we may be in your shoes and needing to sleep train in some way at some point. There is no good evidence of any long term harmful effects of sleep training, despite the links you have been sent- ignore would be my advice. You simply cannot 'ride this out' as has been suggested....sleep deprivation in this extreme is dangerous to your physical and mental health. People seem to forget the Mum's in this argument. You matter too, and sleep is not a 'nice to have'. Good luck, keep us posted xxx

Why people feel the need to jump on and bash the OP I have no idea. Her mental health matters too. She asked for support not judgement. If you don't agree don't bother commenting. There are plenty of other threads on here for you.

Ignore the negative comments OP. I think you're doing the right thing for yourself and baby. A good night's sleep is of benefit to everyone. I'm glad the first night went well. Hopefully tonight will be even better.

It might not be helpful but it's the truth. Read some of the links given in this thread. Controlled crying is of benefit to the parents, not the baby.

Absolute bollocks.

Why is this utter tosh trotted out time and time again on Mumsnet.

If a mother is crippled with sleep exhaustion as I was, controlled crying and the pick up put down method are good methods to help an older baby learn how to get back to sleep by themselves when they wake. You're literally going in every few minutes to show them that you are still there but, no, you won't be picking them up/boobing them/rocking them/pacing the house endlessly with them. They soon learn that mummy is there but it's bedtime and bedtime means time to go to sleep, not time for boob or rocking endlessly.

For goodness sake some newborns cry for hours on end with colic or reflux no matter what you do and they are not scarred that their mother's can't figure out how to soothe them.

We're not talking about children abandoned in some eastern bloc orphanage tied to a potty or their cot bars. It's called controlled crying. The timing is controlled and the child should never be left alone to scream and cry til they vomit for 45 minutes. If you do that, you're doing it wrong.

Unfortunately a child's needs do not disappear because you are tired or want to sleep or lie down. Crying is the only way that they can communicate their need for you. However hard it is, it is your responsibility to find the help and support you need to meet the needs of your child. It would be unacceptable to treat a child like this during the day and it is unacceptable at night too.

Agreed

This.

This is complete nonsense. That's exactly what we teach them in the day time.

"No you can't have a yoghurt right now, we don't have any yoghurts in the house."

Child cries for a while and is cuddled and reassured while mum carries on doing what she needs to do- tending to a younger sibling, washing the dishes, doing laundry etc.

Mum does not rock and console the child endlessly for every little upset during the day. That's not possible.

A baby old enough for CC is old enough not to have milk/breastmilk through the night, and is old enough to learn that bedtime is for sleeping.

My son is 18 months old and after doing gentle CC and pick up put down method for less than week when he was one, now sleeps 12 hours straight. Very occasionally he'll wake and need a quick cuddle and drink of water then he goes straight back to sleep. He is a very happy boy because he sleeps so well and his parents are happy and have plenty of energy from so much sleep.

It's also bad for brain development if they don't get the right amount of sleep.

Keep doing what you're doing op. You are doing great 😌

Don't forget the 20-30 minute gentle, quiet & soothing bedtime routine before putting them down though. Feeding, wrapping, lullabies, rocking, patting, humming, wait till they're drifting off and gently put down but keep up the humming, patting for 5 more minutes.

Easier said than done I know!

OP I'm going to link you to the author of the only gold standard research done on sleep training as the usual naysayers are continuing to demonise and ignore the very real needs of an exhausted mother

Often those against sleep training will quote a study by Dr Wendy Hall on sleep training. This found that those babies who had been sleep trained woke just as often as those who hadn't.

However, she said this is exactly what she expected to find as those babies who had been sleep trained were able to put themselves calmly back to sleep without needing help or intervention

This video is of a lecture where she talks through her experiences of sleep problems in children. Skip to about 30 mins in she talks about self soothing and what an important skill it is for children to learn

Good luck Op

I did it with both of mine. With DD 1 First night was rather arduous- going in 5,10,15 then 20 mins shushing and rubbing backs then sitting outside the door and then back to 5 mins if still crying, round in a cycle.

First night took 3 and a half hours or so. Second night 30 mins then third night cracked it. DD1 was about 7 months, DD2 around 9 months.

They are now both well rounded adults- no PTSD!

Sleep trained all 3 DC between 10-12 months each before returning to work post Mat leave. Lovely evening routine of BF & story, into grobag & cot, then 5 minute intervals. First night always the hardest, each DC cracked falling asleep without any upset between night 3-4. All now go to bed happily, are well adjusted, no emotional scars. I was a 'crunchy' mum, BF, baby wearing, organic etc, but sleep was the break point for me and I don't regret it for a second. Good luck OP