Just started controlled crying - advice please

[Whatevenissleep2]

After months of sleepless nights, contact naps and desperation we have cracked and began controlled crying with DS (9m) following research. We are on day 1 and have made huge progress with my DS falling asleep independently in his cot within an hour. He has never been left for longer than 5 minutes before going back in to reassure and after about 35/40mins of beginning the process, there was long periods of calm before he began to cry in shorter spells.

I’m reaching out to others who have successfully used CC as I’m wondering what I should expect the evening and night to be like? And any more advice? My mental health is particularly delicate at the moment due to having to hold my son from 11-4am in the morning (even co sleeping wouldn’t work) and starting the day at 6am with toddler so please be kind to me if you come across this thread and are against CC. I’m also sat looking at the video monitor feeling intensely guilty.

I have no experience or advice to offer but just wanted to wish you luck. It sounds like you have had an incredibly tough time and it is no wonder your mental health has been suffering.

You've got this.

Take care of yourself. Xx

@Purple89 that means so much, thank you. IME there is so much pressure on mums to tolerate the sleep deprivation but there is only so many sleepless nights you can power through.

We did it with both of ours and it worked well. Good luck! We had one night with some crying for DS1 and went in, rubbed his back regularly til he dropped off. DS2 was almost immediate.

I can't tell you what it will be like, as you don't know until you try, but I will say I think you're doing it the right way, doing it altogether- you're teaching him a new skill, and the more consistent you are, the easier he will understand it's normal, it's not doing him any harm, and you are still with him. Brace yourself for a potentially rough night or two, and then hopefully a lifetime of easier ones!

Hello OP,
I think the first night is always the worst. I did CC with my first two. And a couple of days in they were self-settling within 10mins. And it would also help them during naps in the daytime. Just be consistent.
And I used to feel guilty too. But just think that you'll be sleeping better and with some proper sleep will be on a better frame of mind and in better spirits and your baby will get better uninterrupted sleep as well.
Wishing you all the best.

I think long term it is far kinder to do CC than have years of poor sleep for everyone.

I did this when mine was about 1. Left her for 5 minutes if crying went in said night now. Left for 6 minutes then gradually longer.
I know a lot of people don't agree with CC but best thing we did. We both worked full time couldn't not continue sitting up rocking her for hours on end to come down at 9:30pm absolutely shattered and then eat and go to bed ourselves. It took about 3/4 days if I remember rightly. Since then she has always loved bed! Every night she goes off without fuss and she is now 4.

You are doing great. Please don’t feel guilty, it’s not at all sustainable to hold a baby 11-4 and then get up at 6.
The two most important things when you’re doing controlled crying are routine and consistency.

Routine is important because you want to make sure your baby is the right amount of tired (not under or over) and is not hungry.
At 9 months, you could aim for
7am milk
8.30am breakfast of porridge and blueberries with cup of water
9.20-10am nap
11.30 lunch including protein, sippy cup of water, greek yoghurt
12.15 small milk top up
12.30-2.30pm nap
3pm milk and rice cakes
5pm dinner like baby pasta with veggie sauce and some fruit purée for dessert
6pm bath
6.30pm bottle
7pm bed

Then in terms of consistency - do the same for every nap, at bedtime and during the night. I wouldn’t leave him longer than 5 mins ever (even 2 mins is enough to be effective).

Don’t do it. Babies need to be attended to. They aren’t crying for fun. I think if you’re feeling guilty, you know deep down this isn’t right. This phase will pass.

@PassTheDuckie you say that but my 3 year old who I didn’t sleep train and who was also a terrible sleeper is still a terrible sleeper who wakes through the night to be resettled. And my baby is attended to, I’ve gone in on regular occasions to reassure and comfort.

She can't attend to her baby as she's so sleep deprived she's exhausted. Stupid advice. Carry on going and you will all be happier for it op do not feel bad

I think people just say this because they want other people to be as miserable as them

You're doing fine OP. Ignore anyone telling you you're doing anything bad to your child.

My little boy is 18 months old and sleeps 7-6:30 every night (barring illness of course).

The reason for this is I night weaned him at one year old (I still breastfeed before his nap and before bed and will continue that for as long as I'm happy to) and did what I suppose is controlled crying. Or maybe a bit of "pick up put down".

I didn't do any research or put a label on it- just went with my instincts. I just gave him a sippy cup of water every time he woke. Then he stopped waking for milk.

After that if he was waking and needing a cuddle I'd cuddle him for a little bit and then put him back to bed. And leave. Each time he cried I wouldn't rush back. I never timed it but he was never crying more than maybe 3 minutes. Each time I went back I'd say "it's sleepy time" and lie him back down. There were a couple of nights of him up and down like a yo-to, and it was a battle of wills.

Now if he ever wakes in the night, he has a drink from his cup of water and goes straight back to sleep. He also naps for 2 hours after lunch and is a very happy and content little boy. I believe I've taught him a skill. He now relishes getting into bed after a busy day and is quite happy to have a short cuddle with me after his bedtime story and to straight to sleep.

Everyone is happier for it. I am not a good mother to him if I'm blind exhausted.

I did with both of mine. Best thing we did. They are the best sleeping kids I know and friends always comment on how lucky we are as they sleep so well. I know a lot of people are against it and everyone is entitled to do things there own way. But my baby was a lot more miserable when he was sleep deprived than after when he soon learned to self soothe and slept like a champ. Its definitely had ongoing benefits with DS (4) at bedtime as we just tuck him in and leave him to it. No waiting until hes asleep and sneaking out etc.

Keep going and be strong. You are doing the right thing. We used CC with both our children . It worked really well and both are still great sleepers. They are now adults and have suffered not a jot from our decision. Ignore those who are against it. That's up to them. You are doing the right thing for you and your family.

I did this 20 odd years ago. First night was awful and I really mean awful. 2nd night he cried for 30 seconds, and went back to sleep.
You know he's never hated me. So good luck x

Thank you everyone so much, your comments have been so reassuring. He has just woken up, longest stretch we’ve ever had. Had his night feed, gone back into cot wide awake and lay there sucking dummy until fell back to sleep again. Can’t believe it. Hopefully this will continue.

Also the best thing we ever did. He got it immediately. Each time we did the CC the time to sleep got less until 2 nights later he slept through. It’s crazy!

Prior he was waking every hour or two!

I think tag teaming works between you and partner as shows the consistency part. Try not to pick them up from the cot but if they get super worked up then it’s good to take them out calm them and put them back.

After you have done it and they learn to fall asleep by themselves/ link sleep cycles then they will still cry occasionally if they have a nightmare, or uncomfortable or ill etc. So ignore the posters who say that they only don’t cry because they know they won’t be heard. It’s not true. He was crying before because he wanted to sleep but didn’t know how! It is a skill they need to learn and if your getting involved they aren’t learning how to do it by themselves. They need to do it by themselves to link cycles and go back to sleep if they wake or are disturbed.

My main advice is the CC didn’t work for mine, she would just get more worked up. We had much more success and much less crying with cry it out. For us it was 10 mins of crying over 3 naps. If I went in and out, we’d have on and off crying for an hour + and DC wouldn’t go to sleep. So if it feels like your kiddo would do better with less intervention, CIO isn’t always a bad thing, depending on what your kiddo needs.

I did it with my two. Your health is important too and it's very dangerous to be so tired that you risk falling asleep holding the baby (which could kill them). Good luck

So pleased to read this, I've just done a second night with my baby and know how relieved and happy I felt when it went well! First night went surprisingly well and last night too, plus yesterday we got naps in his cot for the first time. Be quietly confident OP you've got this and it will make a massive difference to your family life!

Well done, you have done the hard bit. I found it got better as time went on with ours. Both now settle and sleep well. I think for some they just need to realise that they can do it. You got this

It is genuinely bad for baby brain development. I suggest you read up on the Solihull approach.
The baby isn’t learning to self soothe. The baby is learning if they cry you won’t come.

I didn't ST my first and she was a horrific sleeper, she slept through around 2.5/3. My niece hasn't been and she's over 3. Both girls seem to be nuerodivergent which probably goes a long way to explain the poor sleep, they also mouth breathe/snore which doesn't help. Bedsharing and boob sleeping saved us.

DD is the most anxious child, she's 4 now and waking little again, mostly she doesn't wake me just gets in bed with me but it's because she's having bad dreams and hates being alone. Ignoring her cries would just be damaging, when she was 9 months it was a particularly hard time (sarahockwell-smith.com/2015/11/18/what-the-heck-goes-wrong-sleep-wise-at-8-10-months/) and we tried sleep training for one night and it was awful, I wish I know how she would be back then because we all know that the answer to anxiety and stress isn't being left to it. Hence the studies that have shown that after sleep training maternal cortisol levels decrease but babies stayed the same, and actually watching the babies they didn't sleep more they just didn't cry out anymore.

I feel you, it's exhausting.

www.sleepyroo.com/controlled-crying-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly
Don’t do it.