Page 4 | Just started controlled crying - advice please

Whatevenissleep2 · 2023-03-10T19:50:28+00:00

After months of sleepless nights, contact naps and desperation we have cracked and began controlled crying with DS (9m) following research. We are on day 1 and have made huge progress with my DS falling asleep independently in his cot within an hour. He has never been left for longer than 5 minutes before going back in to reassure and after about 35/40mins of beginning the process, there was long periods of calm before he began to cry in shorter spells. I’m reaching out to others who have successfully used CC as I’m wondering what I should expect the evening and night to be like? And any more advice? My mental health is particularly delicate at the moment due to having to hold my son from 11-4am in the morning (even co sleeping wouldn’t work) and starting the day at 6am with toddler so please be kind to me if you come across this thread and are against CC. I’m also sat looking at the video monitor feeling intensely guilty.

Original poster

Whatevenissleep2 · 12/03/2023 19:01

Update on sleep - naps are still taking longer to settle (I think DS gets frustrated about having to go to sleep during the day in case he’s missing out on something!) but we’ve had some nice long 6-7 hour chunks of sleep during nighttime (unheard of before). Unless for the night feed, any other wakes it has been enough to hold DS hand for a couple of minutes then he drifts back off. Also much more content on a morning.

OP posts:

Blondeshavemorefun · 12/03/2023 19:40

That's great @Whatevenissleep2

Thanks for updating

Carry on

user40643 · 12/03/2023 19:43

you're teaching him a new skill

Learning that your crying isn't been answered is not a skill.

ItsCalledAConversation · 12/03/2023 19:57

I didn’t do cc and it’s always given me a gut feel that it’s a bad idea.

Last week I read A Secure Base by John Bowlby (a scientific, research based psychology book) and now I’m so glad I responded to my children when they cried as babies. The outcomes for kids who are ignored/left to cry are psychologically catastrophic.

ItsCalledAConversation · 12/03/2023 19:59

Sorry should have said book about attachment theory. Basically says if you ignore your child’s cries as a baby they grow up to be anxiously attached which potentially gives them a myriad of problems from anxiety and depression through to addictions, personality, attention and eating disorders, etc etc.

ItsCalledAConversation · 12/03/2023 20:02

Brunilde · 11/03/2023 19:39

Could someone please link the actual medical research which shows its damaging please? Not a random article.

books.google.co.uk/books?hl=en&lr=&id=yA9nX8W2ddIC&oi=fnd&pg=PP2&dq=a+secure+base+john+bowlby+pdf&ots=1ksHuTbD1p&sig=L_KnHB0QGAdeg3cCG1-t9IeUAww#v=onepage&q&f=false

Janedoe82 · 12/03/2023 20:04

John Bowlby is extremely well respected by health professionals. His work is used in the vast majority of family centres and forms the basis of many parenting programmes used by health professionals such as Solihull and Nurture and the Henry Programme. None of which ever suggest controlled crying is good. But hey- what to health visitors and family workers know 🙄

Janedoe82 · 12/03/2023 20:05

solihullapproachparenting.com

ItsCalledAConversation · 12/03/2023 20:10

Bowlby’s (and Mary Ainsworth’s) work draws on findings from many controlled trials run by a huge number of research scientists over several decades. Their research tracks not only maternal input/deprivation but also outcomes in terms of the way children go on to form relationships and then ultimately how they grow up. Please consider when you’re thinking about how tired you are, how much your baby needs you, certainly for the first 18 months but really the first 5 years of their life.

rootsandwings89 · 12/03/2023 20:11

PassTheDuckie · 10/03/2023 21:05

Don’t do it. Babies need to be attended to. They aren’t crying for fun. I think if you’re feeling guilty, you know deep down this isn’t right. This phase will pass.

Not helpful

Janedoe82 · 12/03/2023 20:12

www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0145213422001016

ItsCalledAConversation · 12/03/2023 20:15

rootsandwings89 · 12/03/2023 20:11

Not helpful

Show quote history

Not wrong tho 💁🏼‍♀️

Original poster

Whatevenissleep2 · 12/03/2023 21:05

Again, DS is not being ignored and is being regularly reassured. I think there are more factors than whether you left your baby to cry for a couple of minutes (when not in pain/hunger/discomfort) and adverse mental health outcomes.

Sleep-fighting related crying aside, what about when baby is crying for 2 minutes for example because they’ve dropped their favourite toy but you are busy cleaning toddler up after a toileting accident? Is that also going to lead to the child facing a “psychologically catastrophic” outcome?

what would you do in my particular situation? Again no option to co sleep and unable to continue to survive on holding a baby all night?

OP posts:

MrNook · 12/03/2023 21:15

Why is there no option to co sleep? Is there anything you can change to be able to facilitate co sleeping?

It meant DP had to sleep on the sofa but saved me when DD was waking hourly and I was always nearly falling asleep holding her

pasta56 · 12/03/2023 21:20

Janedoe82 · 12/03/2023 20:12

www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0145213422001016

That study does not show anything about sleep training. That is about neglect of newborn babies (leaving them home alone and leaving them to cry frequently).

pasta56 · 12/03/2023 21:22

ItsCalledAConversation · 12/03/2023 19:57

I didn’t do cc and it’s always given me a gut feel that it’s a bad idea.

Last week I read A Secure Base by John Bowlby (a scientific, research based psychology book) and now I’m so glad I responded to my children when they cried as babies. The outcomes for kids who are ignored/left to cry are psychologically catastrophic.

A gut feel is not evidence. A theory is not evidence.

The evidence shows that sleep trained babies are BETTER attached than babies with sleep problems who are not trained.

The evidence shows no long term effects from sleep training.

Zipadeebooyah · 12/03/2023 21:29

ItsCalledAConversation · 12/03/2023 19:59

Sorry should have said book about attachment theory. Basically says if you ignore your child’s cries as a baby they grow up to be anxiously attached which potentially gives them a myriad of problems from anxiety and depression through to addictions, personality, attention and eating disorders, etc etc.

No one on here who says CC worked for them was ignoring their children crying.

pasta56 · 12/03/2023 21:30

In my experience the people most against sleep training are those who either:

a) didn't have babies with sleep problems, so never had to consider it

Or

b) suffered with sleep deprivation for years with their babies, did not sleep train, and now cannot accept that there was a safe alternative to having gone through that

CraneBoysMysteries · 12/03/2023 21:31

@pasta56 👏🏻

And note OP that there are no responses to your question about leaving the baby to cry while you have to have a pop/clean up toddler, or otherwise cannot immediately attend

pasta56 · 12/03/2023 21:34

MrNook · 12/03/2023 21:15

Why is there no option to co sleep? Is there anything you can change to be able to facilitate co sleeping?

It meant DP had to sleep on the sofa but saved me when DD was waking hourly and I was always nearly falling asleep holding her

Cosleeping carries a risk of the most serious adverse outcome there is - infant death! so I don't know why you would recommend that as an alternative, if you are risk averse.

Getthefiregoing · 12/03/2023 21:35

ItsCalledAConversation · 12/03/2023 19:57

I didn’t do cc and it’s always given me a gut feel that it’s a bad idea.

Last week I read A Secure Base by John Bowlby (a scientific, research based psychology book) and now I’m so glad I responded to my children when they cried as babies. The outcomes for kids who are ignored/left to cry are psychologically catastrophic.

What?

I did a mix of controlled crying/pick up put down method. My gut guided me. My 18 month old child is very content, very independent but also very cuddly and affectionate. He sleeps through 11/12 hours at night and 2 hour nap in the day. He plays happily and is well rounded, joining in at all sorts of different play groups, song groups, art clubs. He's a calm and contented toddler who is very easy to be around.

And his mother and father sleep 8 or 9 hours a night.

I fail to see any catastrophic consequences. My child is developing beautifully. Probably because he sleeps so well.

pasta56 · 12/03/2023 21:38

Whatevenissleep2 · 12/03/2023 19:01

Update on sleep - naps are still taking longer to settle (I think DS gets frustrated about having to go to sleep during the day in case he’s missing out on something!) but we’ve had some nice long 6-7 hour chunks of sleep during nighttime (unheard of before). Unless for the night feed, any other wakes it has been enough to hold DS hand for a couple of minutes then he drifts back off. Also much more content on a morning.

Sounds like it's working really well for you both OP 😃. Great news.

smileladiesplease · 12/03/2023 21:41

We did it with all our 4.. first night hall second better then by end of a few days utter bliss. Saved my life

smileladiesplease · 12/03/2023 21:43

And what pasta said

MrNook · 12/03/2023 21:44

Cosleeping carries a risk of the most serious adverse outcome there is - infant death! so I don't know why you would recommend that as an alternative, if you are risk averse.

The OP being so sleep deprived she could fall asleep holding her baby could result in infant death too.

NHS have just updated their co sleeping guidance a few days ago and now say co sleeping can be done if these rules are followed

&bull;	make sure they sleep on a firm, flat mattress lying on their back
&bull;	not have any pillows or duvets near them
&bull;	not have other children or pets in the bed at the same time