At what age are grandparent sleepovers appropriate?

[HopefulBump]

Hi, I’m currently pregnant with my first child. This will be my parents first grandchild and they’re very excited. I’ve no doubt they’ll be wonderful hands on grandparents and I’m sure DH and I will be very grateful for all the help we can get!

DM has mentioned having the baby to sleep over at their house one night a week from as early as 6 weeks. Regarding feeding I assume the plan would be for me to express and then feed the baby bottled breast milk.

My DH and I feel this sounds too early. Won’t the baby need the constant routine of the same cot, room, people? Or is this ok? I’ve no idea what would be considered normal. 6 weeks, 6 months, a year? 18 months?? Any advice/insights would be much appreciated.

My DD had a sleepover at 6 weeks with GPs she's now 9 and no after effects. I honestly wouldn't stress over it.

I don't think you can plan it this far in advance.yoi don't know if the baby qi

My 4.5 year old is going to have his first sleepover this summer. My 5.5 year old isn't ready yet

My children had sleepovers started at 8 weeks never any problems

If you are not comfortable with it then say no. I'm not sure there is a 'normal'. Wait and see how you feel when the baby gets here. You'll want to work up to it - you won't go from 0 to a whole night without your baby.

If your mum talks about it again just smile and say "we'll see how we go"

It’s absolutely up to you to be honest and you need to do what’s right for you.

You might end up bottle feeding and being exhausted, the baby is easy going and settles well with grandma and you might find you are happy to leave him / her overnight from a few months old.

OR, you might be breastfeeding and find the baby doesn’t settle well for grandma and ultimately feel like you’re not emotionally ready to leave them

Both options are absolutely fine and it’s your call. FWIW, I think you might find 6 weeks is too little to leave for an overnight, 6 months is probably about the earliest I’d have done it.

my one tip would be to get the baby having occasional bottles so that he’ll happily take them and get grandma to babysit occasionally so you can your husband can get out and about

I really think you need to wait and see how you feel. I know people who've done it since birth and other people who couldn't do it until the child was 2 years old.

If you're exclusively breastfeeding, it will be very difficult for you to express enough milk in advance to feed a 6-week baby overnight as they'll still be having quite a few night feeds at that point. If you're formula feeding or mixed feeding then it will be much easier.

That's the key thing IMO, rather than routines / familiarity etc. And also if your parents are really up for being woken several times in the night!

DS had sleepovers at my parents house from a couple of weeks old and has a great bond with them. But a lot of that is down to our family being very small and us being close. I was brought up by my nan on and off as a child so it seemed natural to me that my own child would stay with his grandparents a lot like I did. He has his own room there and still goes to stay now even at 22 if I'm away for work or with my boyfriend (mainly because he doesn't have to cook then, even though he's good at it).

Whoops! I don't think there is a normal. You don't know if the baby will breastfeed, take a bottle etc.

At that age we would maybe have managed to go out for a quick meal, back within 2 hours. DD1 struggled to feed, she was still nocturnal. No way would I have let someone else look after her (for either of their sakes). But my parents did come and stay (they live a few hours away) and my mum would be helpful in the middle of the night, settling DD after I had fed her so I could get some sleep.

Also, if you are bfing, you'll probably need to get up and pump every 3 hours so there's not much benefit for you, from getting sleep perspective.

My eldest stayed overnight with grandparents at 5 months and cried for hours. They didn't have the younger one until 2 years as they were so traumatised!I know plenty of people whose babies and kids stayed over much younger, so depends on what you want and what the child wants. Once a week would not have been something I would have considered as a baby.

Thanks so much for your replies everyone! That’s really helpful. I had no idea I’d still be up in the night pumping - bummer haha!

DH wants to feed the baby so the plan is to express and him bottle feed her sometimes so that will help - if all goes to plan obviously!

Do you think once a week is too often?

It would be far too early for me. The once a week thing also seems like too much (again for me, just my personal feeling). My daughter turned 3 last Saturday and still hasn’t stayed anywhere overnight without us.

I’d wait until baby is here, you’re in some sort of routine then go from there.

If you're breastfeeding, personally I wouldn't have wanted that hassle. Not everyone can express enough for full feeds, baby might not like the bottle and you'd still have to get up in the night to express to maintain your supply and for comfort reasons. You'd also need to be pumping between the many feeds in the week(s) beforehand which will further increase supply and you risk engorged breasts. Not such an issue when baby is older, but this early on, you're trying to establish a supply which your body calculates naturally based on when your baby feeds. Fair enough if necessary for an emergency or a very special occasion like a close friend's wedding, but I wouldn't be bothered for a grandparent sleepover 'just because'.
I exclusively breastfed (and continued to BF until they were 14 months) and didn't leave DC1 overnight until 8 months (I had to attend a work event), and then that was only with DH. Neither DC stayed with grandparents until they were over 1 year old. I just didn't see it was necessary and couldn't be bothered with the hassle.

There is no right age. My DS 1 was 8 weeks and my DS 2 was about 8 months. From about 1.5 DS 1 stopped most Saturdays.

They're now 8 and 10 and stop either my parents or my nans every weekend. They rotate.

Both of mine had sleepovers from 6 weeks with bottles of expressed milk.

Was great all round.

My parents rule was when they slept through the night reliably then they could stay. This seemed to work out well for everyone involved. I wasn't stressing, parents weren't sleep deprived, dc weren't walking up and getting distressed. For dd1 this was at about 4 months (she actually slept through earlier but was breastfeeding more til that point) dd2 was more like 18 months. Just play it by ear - you might struggle to express, dc might not take a bottle etc. definitely a good thing to get them used to when they are small though, as a single prentice I can imagine how limiting it would have been to be in the situation like a pp where at 5.5 years they still aren't ready to have a night with grandparents. I've had times where I've had to work late etc

Whenever you and the baby feel it is. Don't be bulldozed into doing it any earlier than you feel comfortable. I let my ds1 stay in my parents room in a hotel when he was about 14 months and got a terrible nights sleep as I really wanted him with me. He was fine - I hated it!

There's really no need for sleepovers until you are ready and feel that you'd benefit from a break. All of mine had "little holidays" with my parents from around two - by that stage their little suitcase word be packed within a minute of my parents offering!! They had no trouble settling and all have fond memories of the times they spent getting one to one attention for a few days (they used to take turns going one at a time)

Expressing just so your DH can feed the baby is so much hassle and extra work for you.

Literally he can do every other baby job.

12 weeks for us. It would have been sooner but DD was prem and my mum wanted her to get some meat on her bones before she came to stay. It was also during the height of COVID.

There’s hands on and there’s overbearing! You need to set boundaries early on. If you are fine with them having baby from 6 weeks (although I wouldn’t have and can’t see why it would need to be weekly) that’s ok. But it is your choice.

Tell them you will wait and see to see how you feel about sleepovers but don’t feel pressured into anything. I don’t understand why some grandparents are so desperate up have alone time with grandchildren at such an early age.

Do your parents work, live nearby? Do they have expectations on how often you will see them once baby arrives?

Amongst the parents I know, no one did overnights at younger than 6 months and most didn’t do it until the DC were 2 years old.

It’s your baby so your rules apply. TBH they sound very presumptuous. Grandparents who want to help will be making sure that the bond between mum and dad and baby is strong. They help in other ways, like dropping round meals, helping with cleaning and offering to watch baby while you shower or have a nap. Being interested in having baby overnight to me is grandparents who are really controlling. Are they offering to help in other ways??

Agree totally up to you. Our first night away from DD she stayed at MIL’s and we were in the Premier Inn down the road, we could have walked back if there were any issues so we did it as a test run - MIL had looked after her in the evenings and done bedtime routine with us a few times before though, DD was just about to turn 1 and I wasn’t bfing by that point. Managed to get pregnant that night with now 8 week old DS (!!) so have only had a couple of other nights where she stayed at MIL’s but I know she’s very comfortable there and wouldn’t worry about doing it again in future. But it’s completely about what you feel happy doing - I wouldn’t try and preempt it.

My son spent a week with his grandparents at nine months old when his dad and I had to go to Venice to photograph a wedding (originally planned to happen pre Covid before I was even pregnant). Honestly I would have left him with mum and dad sooner but they live four hours away! My husband took it harder than I did 😂

I’m exclusively breastfeeding my 9 month old ( obviously she eats food but milk wise it’s still regarded as ebf. At 6 weeks I couldn’t of even left her for an hour. 1) I wouldn’t of wanted to and 2) she wouldn’t take a bottle at all regardless of what she tried. We were joint at the hip until about 7/8 months. I absolutely love breastfeeding and was happy to do this, but it’s intense!

My husband also wanted to feed baby but realised this wasn’t going to be what was right for her (she wanted boob). Lots of ways for him to bond otherwise - skin to skin, contact naps, cuddles, support, nappy changes etc.

There are some great courses on breastfeeding I’d really recommend doing them so that you learn about when/how/why you could leave baby to pump. The more knowledge you can have before baby is here the less likely you are to be in pain/get mastitis or it just not work out. I’m not anti formula at all, but mums who want to bf and don’t have the right knowledge can fail and beat themselves up. Whereas some pre learning about latch etc can really make all the difference.

Ps yes, I’ve left baby once overnight and had to pump 3 times throughout the night!

This is just what worked for me, the one thing I’ve learnt is every baby and parent is different. I’d echo what others have said, you can only really decide at the time depending on how you and baby are doing and what you feel like!