At what age are grandparent sleepovers appropriate?

[HopefulBump]

Hi, I’m currently pregnant with my first child. This will be my parents first grandchild and they’re very excited. I’ve no doubt they’ll be wonderful hands on grandparents and I’m sure DH and I will be very grateful for all the help we can get!

DM has mentioned having the baby to sleep over at their house one night a week from as early as 6 weeks. Regarding feeding I assume the plan would be for me to express and then feed the baby bottled breast milk.

My DH and I feel this sounds too early. Won’t the baby need the constant routine of the same cot, room, people? Or is this ok? I’ve no idea what would be considered normal. 6 weeks, 6 months, a year? 18 months?? Any advice/insights would be much appreciated.

There is no right or normal. It depends on what you feel comfortable with once baby is here. Mine were both exclusively breastfed. With my first I could express and give a bottle if needed although at 6 weeks I'm not sure I'd have had enough milk stocked! It takes a while for your supply to become established and cluster feeding is very normal in the early weeks meaning some nights I'd be up feeding every hour.
With my second he wouldn't go anywhere near a bottle, he only wanted the boob.

I think mine both started having the odd sleepover at GPs once they were about 8/9 months.

I found grandparents much more helpful through the day to be honest! Let them have the baby for a few hours while you have a nap/ shower etc

I really wouldn't worry about it too much, see how it all goes when baby is here!

Haha, one of my babies was a total bottle refusenik. Tried at different stages, to let DH do some night feeds / let me sleep. Not expressed milk, not formula, not in response to much good advice from experienced MNers, not ever.

If you're planning to breastfeed 6 weeks is prime time for growth spurts cluster feeding etc so no way would my baby have been ok with being away from me - if you want to establish breastfeeding it's an important time to really establish your supply in those early few weeks so you'll be wanting baby to be with you and feeding frequently. There's nothing to say you can't introduce a bottle later on if you wanted to though. As PP have said expressing isn't always easy I found it more faff than it was worth and tbh nothing much came out for all the hassle so I just fed from the source so much easier!! Have you looked into any breastfeeding information perhaps that might be useful to look at and share with family too

www.laleche.org.uk/beginning-breastfeeding/

Also my baby refused bottles

6 weeks is very early! My mum wouldn't have wanted to be getting up multiple times during the night! DS was about 2 years old from memory. He now goes to grandparents one night a week, though that will stop soon when he starts school.

Pretty much echo what others have said about when you and baby are ready and able.

Both my dds ebf and cosleepers. Dd1 (10) had an overnight at my mums when she was 7 weeks. I was young and stupid really because I assumed that because I had enough expressed milk for that night she'd be fine. But she hated the bottle and screamed and screamed and couldn't sleep and it was just awful for her and my mum. She didn't go overnight again until she was a fair bit older (can't remember exactly but I think sometime between 7-10 months).

Dd2 is 5 months and I haven't spent more than an hour away from her. She also hates a bottle and expressing is such a faff and takes ages. She feeds little and often and I don't think I'll be able to leave her for a while yet even in the day, let alone an overnight!

You're not going to know until your baby arrives and you know what they're like with settling for others and taking a bottle etc. So yeah, don't shut down the offer/request but be prepared to not be able to rely on it. Good luck with your first dc 😊

There's no age that it's 'appropriate' or 'inappropriate'. In other cultures, a lot of Asian cultures (like my husband's country and also in the country where I'm currently working), grandmothers moreorless raise the babies from their birth - firstly so mothers can recover from birth, and later so that they can resume their lives (get back to work etc). It's very odd for a mother to not have their mother doing the majority of the childcare for a baby. Grandmothers often even sleep in the baby's bedroom and either bottle feed, or carry baby through to mum if mum is breastfeeding and baby wakes.

This isn't in any way damaging to the babies and can be nice for everyone, as long as everyone is happy aith the arrangement.

That's the important part - as long as everyone is happy. I didn't want anyone to care for my baby, and my (British) mother had no desire to move in with me to take care of baby as per the Asian style, so we didn't do it. My children have never had a grandparent sleepover, because I dont want to be away from them. That's fine too.

It all depends on your family and what works for you. There's no rule about what's appropriate and what isn't. Maybe you'll want a break at 6 weeks. Maybe you won't be ready to leave baby yet (i definitely wasn't at this age). Just see how you feel. Nothing else you can do and no stranger online can tell you.

Sleepovers are for dc who want them. Not for dgps to play Happy Families with a new baby ffs!!
My dm had my youngest when he was 3 and the rest older! Seriously op you have waited 9 months for your baby and would be happy for your dm to raise it one night a week? Bonkers in the nicest way!
Babysitting at your home when you have plans is one things. Dgps kitting a house out to have a dgc unsupervised is selfish and entitled imo.

My son was 9 weeks when he started sleeping over his grandparents as we had no sleep and we’re going mad. He’s slept over regularly since and he’s 3.5 now. They also look after him twice a week whilst we work. They’ve got the best relationship and he adores them. And it meant we got to sleep and it was brilliant!!

Mine went from 8 weeks, but were bottle fed.

Grandparents who can't wait to help out and a husband who wants to get stuck in with feeding - what a great set-up you have there OP! Enjoy it, and all the best for the birth!

This is such a sad post. The idea that loving, keen, excited grandparents who have a strong healthy relationship with their grandchildren and help and support their children by providing free childcare is a bad thing? How can it be a bad thing if everyone is happy? As a parent, surely we want our children to have the strongest and most loving relationship with their family for their own sake? Can a child ever be TOO loved? Children aren't something to be jealously clung to out of principle. Sure if a parent isn't ready for a sleepover then fine, but if a parent is ready for a sleepover then it's in no way entitled for a grandparent to want to have them. Family is important.

My DS was a few weeks old and stayed at MILs. He stayed about once a week/every other week and I spent a lot of my maternity with MIL. I went back to work after 6 months and MIL has DS 5 days a week so it was more to help with familiarity which has worked for us. He absolutely adores MIL, but of course it's what you are comfortable with.

We did one overnight with DC1 at 6 weeks, for a special occasion. Just thinking about it makes my boobs hurt and it was 16 years ago! He stayed with SIL who was a nanny/childminder so more than prepared, I expressed just enough and sent him with backup bottle milk.
My boobs were so painful by the time we went to bed that pumping was agony and when I got back to DC they were so engorged he struggled to feed.
Apart from that, it was fine. But weekly is going to be far too much. One off for a special occasion or once every few months to get them used to being away from you, fine.

Also, expressing is a PITA and no way would I do it unless I would be away from my baby. Wouldn't be doing it purely so DH could feed while I'm still in the house.

You won’t really know until the baby is here and you see how things are. You might not feel ready to leave your baby overnight at 6 weeks. Or your baby might not sleep well or might not take to a bottle. So many unknowns.

I wasn’t ready to leave my first baby with my Mum overnight until he was around 4 months old. And I’m very close to my Mum, trust her implicitly, she lives round the corner etc. I also wasn’t breastfeeding him by then. But I just couldn’t do it, and I wasn’t expecting to feel that way.

See how you feel. Grandparents can’t expect anything. They’ll have to wait and see.

Pretty much my thoughts.
People who don't understand how breastfeeding works seem to think expressing is like turning on a tap.

Regardless of how you feed and the mechanics of breastfeeding. Only you can decide when you feel up to leaving your baby.

Theres no point in having a 'night off' if your lying awake watching the clock so you can get to a semi-sensible time to collect your baby (meanwhile your boobs are bursting)

My first dc was 6 weeks when she started sleeping at grandparents. I was crippled by exhaustion and it really saved my sanity. See how you feel when the baby is here.

DM had DS overnight at 8 weeks and DSis had him overnight at about 5 months. I wouldn't have left him with anyone else but was perfectly happy to leave him with them. He was formula fed though which made it easier

I sometimes think there's an unusual attitude on MN regarding leaving babies overnight. In real life everyone does it pretty early but on MN everyone seems to wait until they're about 5!

My daughter sleeps at her nanas about once a month and she's 3. She first slept over at about 12 weeks we went Barcelona for 2 nights.

Really depends on the baby you get. My dd wouldn’t take a bottle, we tried an evening out at about 4 months I think (it was a very long time ago) and got a call to come back before we got to the restaurant because she wouldn’t settle at all. By 2y we were able to leave her for 3 nights while we went abroad on a mini break though.

There is no normal, every family and every child and every set of parents and every set of grandparents are different! My eldest is 4 and my youngest is 9mo, neither have every slept anywhere without me being present. Well, apart from when my DM and DB put DC1 to bed when me and DH were still in hospital after having DC2, because we didn't get back until about 10pm, but they put her to bed in our house anyway.

I think if I'd been bottle feeding and the grandparents were willing and my babies were good sleepers, then I'd have felt comfortable with them sleeping away when they were tiny. But for a wide array of reasons neither of my babies fell into all of those categories so it wasnt really possible and understandably nobody was willing. My DPs started offering to have my eldest overnight for an odd special sleepover when she was about 3 but at 4 she still doesn't want to, even though she's very close to them and tends to see them at least once a week often more. I don't think that's unusual either, I was like that as a young child, liked my own bed and routine and wanted my parents around for bedtime.

@MiriMollyMartha but you put it much more eloquently than me!

And sometimes I did put my need for a few hours to myself or a lie in above being a mother on duty 24/7. It stopped me going under, and they were still loved and cared for.

Just wait and see how you feel about it after the baby is here.

Our two (twins) stopped at grans when they were just under three months. OH had a few days away for work so I went to my parents and stopped with them. I still fed them and gran & grandad got to help with everything else.

Thanks @Mariposista and @MiriMollyMartha - I know I’m very lucky!

We travelled 3000 miles to visit my parents when ds was 6 weeks.

So different room, cot etc and he was fine. We actually spent some time at different houses during our stay visiting different people.

For me the rule for staying over is when you want it to happen as parents. This is your child and you make the rules just as your parents made them for you.

When parents are putting pressure on you to do something you aren't comfortable with it's usually worthwhile asking them what age you did that.

9 times out of 10 - you didn't usually helps focus their minds!