At what age are grandparent sleepovers appropriate?

[HopefulBump]

Hi, I’m currently pregnant with my first child. This will be my parents first grandchild and they’re very excited. I’ve no doubt they’ll be wonderful hands on grandparents and I’m sure DH and I will be very grateful for all the help we can get!

DM has mentioned having the baby to sleep over at their house one night a week from as early as 6 weeks. Regarding feeding I assume the plan would be for me to express and then feed the baby bottled breast milk.

My DH and I feel this sounds too early. Won’t the baby need the constant routine of the same cot, room, people? Or is this ok? I’ve no idea what would be considered normal. 6 weeks, 6 months, a year? 18 months?? Any advice/insights would be much appreciated.

@toomuchlaundry They are semi retired and live nearby. Since I found out I was pregnant they do want to speak every day and seem to want to see me more often. Although they are very understanding that my DH and I need alone time and I need rest also. I’m not sure how often they expect to see the little one when they arrive. 3 times a week most likely. If I’m struggling with this though I will say so and I’m sure they’ll back off. I think they’d want to see them every day if they could to be honest!

Everyone is different. Every baby is different. Every grandparent is different.

I hated leaving my first child and didn't even leave him to go out for the afternoon until he was 3 months old. When I had my second I quite happily left him at a week old.

My DP aren't really capable of overnights and neither are PIL (old, disabled, dont like getting up early etc) SiL has had DS1 overnight a few times when he was a toddler. I had a 2 year age gap so I always then felt bad dumping two kids on people when they needed looking after. So haven't had them stay away overnight with anyone since DS2 was born. He's 7YO now.

I would have only had my baby doing a sleepover at that age as a one off emergency. Not a night every week. If you ILs live locally, that would be 2 nights a week with the baby on sleepover and your husband off work if he works Monday to Friday unable to see the baby.

You might want a couple of hours to go out with your h but you might not. There's no definitive answer on this.

It really depends on you: DD was 14 months first time she went, DS was 8 months when he first went. Don’t feel pressured if you don’t feel comfortable at 6 weeks but don’t feel bad if you are happy with it

@Rainbowqueeen Oh yes they’re offering to help in all the ways! My DM remembers everyone just wanting to come and hold the baby while she waited on them hand and foot making them coffees etc so she’s already said she’ll cook or clean or take the baby out to the park if I need a nap/shower/bath. It all comes from a very loving place!

My kid is 4.5 and we dont really do sleep overs. No way would he have been ready nor my parents would have handled him at six weeks. What my parents and maybe your parents will realise is that looking after your own baby is not the same as looking after a grandkid. My kid only wanted us for the first year. My mother would pick him up when he cried but he didnt soothe so she would very quickly hand him back to us. They also werent prepared to have to get up three or four times a night. They love DC to bits but have actually decided that seeing him for a couple of hours at theirs, picking him up from school etc is enough and they dont need him to stay over.

@Perpop thanks so much. I’d really love the links to the courses please!

Expressing is not as easy as you think, It would take me days to get enough for one night and would far outweigh the benefits of the sleepover spending hours expressing.

mine slept over from around a year but not on a regular basis.

Whenever you and the baby are ready

@56dfh8653 that’s a good point! Their ideas may change once the baby arrives!

Mine had sleepovers from 3 months old with my mum

Also just wanted to second what everyone has said about expressing. I could literally pump for hours and hours and get less than an ounce, barely enough to cover the bottom of a bottle. It isn’t easy at all.

It depends I wish now in hindsight (DD is 9) I was more relaxed about grandparents. They didn't interfere in our bond and she definitely knows I'm her mum 🤣🤣. My DD was a relaxed baby and slept through the night from 5 weeks with a dream feed. You don't know what your baby will be like but if I had my time again I wouldn't stress so much about bonding.

Totally depends on baby - I think ours stayed with my parents sometimes from about 3 months. But they were pretty good sleepers - there are some kids who are still all over the place at night at 4 years, so I wouldn't even think about it until your baby is mostly sleeping through and you know he or she will take a bottle from someone else if necessary.

I'll admit I don't understand grandparents who seem to be asking to have the baby over - that's not their choice, it's yours!

Some babies will need to sleep in same place, but we were served well by getting ours used to sleeping in different places and in pushchair. Again, can't be planned upfront because you don't know what baby will be like.

Thanks @BooksAndHooks and @elliesmummy19 I had no idea expressing was so hard! I have a lot to learn!

It can be hard, or it can be really easy. Baby will be fine on an occasional bottle of formula btw if you don’t want to express

See how you get on with pumping first, because this plan sounds a lot like you are setting yourself up to fail at breastfeeding (which is totally fine if you aren’t really bothered either way, but something to be aware of if you are really keen to do it).

At 6 weeks, many many breastfed babies will be cluster-feeding in the evenings/overnight. There is no way I could have expressed enough milk for him - it would have been 4-6 feeds between 8pm-8am. Breastfed babies feed little and often.

DH was doing the 6am feed to let me have some sleep, and it was bloody hard expressing even one bottle - expressing enough for 6 would have been absolutely impossible.

I wouldn’t have wanted DS away from me one day a week at 6 months - it used to feed weird enough going to the gym and leaving him with DH. He still hasn’t had a night away from me and DH aged 5 - we’ve suggested sleepovers with DM several times and he doesn’t want to (stays over with her when I’m there, she babysits here when we are out and puts him to bed, but going to stay all by himself is apparently scary).

If you haven’t even given birth yet, I would have your baby, focus on getting breastfeeding established first, then start pumping enough for your DH to take over some of the night feeds, and think about extra stuff like granny sleepovers once you’ve got those things down.

Some people have no problem expressing. I was like the pp, or just wasn't worth it for the tiny amounts I'd get. As below id just give a formula top up if ever needed.

@Changechangychange that sounds like a sensible way to go about it, thank you.

I had my grandson for his first sleepover when he was about 4 months old - once his mum had stopped breastfeeding. I did look after him during the daytime a lot both in my own home and his home from a few weeks though, so he was very used to me putting him down for a nap, bathing him etc.
His younger sister was born during lockdown so was about 9 months before I had her overnight.

The answer is ‘when you feel ready for it’.

And when it is what would be lovely for you.

I wouldn’t let anyone ‘book’ my baby and then adjust the feeding method in order to facilitate it.

The priority is you and your baby thriving through the ‘fourth trimester’.

Personally, with breastfed babies, I would not have left them at 6 weeks. I couldn’t have been separated, wouldn’t have wanted to potentially confuse breastfeeding with bottle feeding at such a young age, and wasn’t ready for / needing ‘nights out’.

My first stayed overnight for the first time at 9 months, and I was frantic to get them back by first light the next morning.

But that was my personal choice and feelings.

You just can’t know at present, so don’t commit, don’t make plans, and be mindful that your baby is not a parcel to be passed round and shared out.

It is a delicate balance.

Thanks @Soontobe60 yeah even spending daytime at theirs will be nice for all involved I’m sure!

@SuperCamp oh no I certainly wouldn’t be having a night out. I don’t do that now haha!

Yeah, it will become apparent once they’re here how things will go. My DPs are very conscious that what’s best for baby and me and DH is the priority.

I don't think there is a normal here. Tiny baby sleepovers just seemed really weird to me as it's not the done thing in my own family and I don't get why you'd even want to go through the sleepless nights with a baby stage all over again when your kids have grown up.

However it seems to be a normal thing for some families so obviously people think differently.

If you're breastfeeding well and would have to keep getting up to pump in the night I think you'd be better off just feeding your own baby. Odds are it will be quicker than setting up and cleaning a pump. Issues aside a baby will extract milk from the breast more efficiently than any pump.

And yes it is totally possible your DM has either forgotten what 6 week old babies are like, or you were an unusually good sleeper! 6 weekers are often not sleeping through!

DS doesn’t always sleep though now and he is 5. Though the things he wakes up for (drink of water, lost my teddy under the duvet) are pretty quick fixes.