Page 4 | At what age are grandparent sleepovers appropriate?

HopefulBump · 2022-07-16T07:53:03+00:00

Hi, I’m currently pregnant with my first child. This will be my parents first grandchild and they’re very excited. I’ve no doubt they’ll be wonderful hands on grandparents and I’m sure DH and I will be very grateful for all the help we can get! DM has mentioned having the baby to sleep over at their house one night a week from as early as 6 weeks. Regarding feeding I assume the plan would be for me to express and then feed the baby bottled breast milk. My DH and I feel this sounds too early. Won’t the baby need the constant routine of the same cot, room, people? Or is this ok? I’ve no idea what would be considered normal. 6 weeks, 6 months, a year? 18 months?? Any advice/insights would be much appreciated.

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OldGreyAppleFence · 16/07/2022 10:30

It's only ever appropriate if you're comfortable with it, and you think DC would be alright, and you want them to go. There's no minimum age. No one else gets a say in the matter

RobertsWonder · 16/07/2022 10:32

At 6 weeks DD was still waking every night to cluster feed pretty much from around 3am to 6am, it wouldn't have been fair to her or my parents to ask them to have her overnight then. First time she stayed overnight there without me was when I went into labour with DS when she was 21 months, and they were all prepared for that and had a great time (she still wasn't sleeping though at that age though, and to be honest now she's 11 and still isn't a great sleeper).

DisforDarkChocolate · 16/07/2022 10:33

Me, about 4 years old.

Original poster

HopefulBump · 16/07/2022 10:34

@itsgettingweird Yes that’s exactly what I’m going to do! I’ll ask when my DGM first had me or my siblings overnight. Although I think a factor in my DPs offering is that I have a chronic health condition and they just want to help.

OP posts:

Thinkingblonde · 16/07/2022 10:40

Don’t agree to anything until baby is here, you don’t know how baby will be, if you don’t want it, say “ no. We’re both not ready” It’ll set you up going forwards.
My dd asked me to have her baby overnight when he was three weeks old, (he was f/f.) It was a situation she had no control over. So she asked the person she trusted the most with her son. Apart from her partner. And that was me
It was fine, we both survived…gs and me. He came with three A4 sized sheets of instructions and enough equipment to stock Mothercare
But the difference is this, it was her who asked me.I’d never made any comments re overnight stays at all during her pregnancy.

Karatema · 16/07/2022 10:46

I'm a grandmother and, therefore, have been a mother! There is no such thing as "normal". You will know what you're comfortable with once baby is here.
As a grandmother who was desperate to have her first DGC to stay, his Mum relented when he was 2.5 yrs. My other DDil wasn't ready until DGC was nearly 5! I was delighted both times and so were my DGC.

bcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyza · 16/07/2022 10:46

3 weeks old at his grans and they are really close.

Original poster

HopefulBump · 16/07/2022 10:50

For those whose went overnight at an early age, did the GPs formula feed or did you manage to express enough?

OP posts:

Flittingaboutagain · 16/07/2022 10:51

I know this isn't the point of your thread OP your husband's wish to feed the baby is possibly going to make your life much harder! It's far better he looks after you, does nappy changes, learns to settle baby (a skill!) does cleaning and cooking so you can establish a healthy supply of breast milk and baby can learn how to feed. This can involve quite literally cluster feeding (baby and you naked for hours on end in bed/sofa) on and off the boob every few minutes for days on end at times. The first big growth spurt is at six weeks. This will mean baby will want you more for comfort not just more milk. Every time there is a leap you're likely to find baby wants to be on top of you (get a good sling) and definitely your boobs! Breastfeeding isn't just about food, it's also about pain relief and comfort so your baby will miss out if your husband bottle feeds just because he wants to.

Whatever00 · 16/07/2022 10:54

When you are comfortable and happy to leave DC.

sleepyhoglet · 16/07/2022 10:58

I wouldn't stress- I'd be bloody grateful for the help!

akissbeforebed · 16/07/2022 11:00

Mine slept over as soon as they were sleeping through the night.

elenacampana · 16/07/2022 11:01

Have the baby and see how you get on. My girl stayed out at 6 weeks for the first time and has had a couple more since, she’s 8 months now. Her GPs (both sets) follow our routine and she’s very chirpy and settled wherever she goes. First things first, have the baby! You don’t need to commit to any particular ideas right now.

elenacampana · 16/07/2022 11:04

RoundaboutRacer · 16/07/2022 09:07

Expressing just so your DH can feed the baby is so much hassle and extra work for you.

Literally he can do every other baby job.

Irrelevant to the OP’s post.

Original poster

HopefulBump · 16/07/2022 11:08

Thanks @Flittingaboutagain This thread has been so useful. I’ve showed it DH and we’ve agreed he’ll likely feed the baby formula if they’ll
take a bottle and if not so be it. He’s happy to help and bond in any way he can. The main message seems to be that the baby will let us know how things will go when they’re here. We can only plan so far.

OP posts:

junebirthdaygirl · 16/07/2022 11:09

Could you and the baby sleep over in your mums where she does everything except feed and you SLEEP! Your dh could have a good rest at home too so everyone a bit refreshed.
Mine only slept over in GPS when weaned and when small only if we had a wedding or function. As they got older they stayed more. I wouldn't be arranging anything definite yet.

NerrSnerr · 16/07/2022 11:09

It's completely up to you and your husband. My children haven't had a sleepover yet at 8 and 5 (as not willing or able grandparents) but I know others who have done it from tiny and it's been a success.

Wait and see how you feel at the time.

easyday · 16/07/2022 11:16

I wouldn't express milk just so baby could go sleepover. Not sure why they want this anyway. I was going to say from about two years - when the kid is more mobile and curious and can appreciate the special relationship with a grandparent.
At the earliest once you have stopped breastfeeding.

LightDrizzle · 16/07/2022 11:31

I think my eldest was around 3. It really is about when your baby can tolerate it without suffering and secondarily when you are happy for it to happen.

At 6 weeks most bonded babies are least stressed when able to smell their mothers, so unless there are medical reasons, an emergency or you are on your knees with fatigue, then why would you do it? I’m sure it wouldn’t cause lasting harm on an occasional basis but we know that cortisol levels in babies are hugely important, earlier than was previously thought, so anything that makes a tiny baby feel secure is the best thing for it. If it’s mum is going out of her mind with exhaustion then the balance tips towards her getting a rest. In that situation though I’d offer to sleep at my daughter’s with the baby in the sitting room two floors from the bedroom, so the baby could have her last and first thing, - and in between if mum changed her mind/ was painful engorged etc.

I remember a couple of times when DD1 unexpectedly slept through (what joy) the downside was boobs like hot itchy boulders. The pain and then relief of getting her latched on!

Favouritefruits · 16/07/2022 11:31

My children are 8 and 4 and have never had a grandparent sleepover.

pamplemoussee · 16/07/2022 11:36

Flittingaboutagain · 16/07/2022 10:51

I know this isn't the point of your thread OP your husband's wish to feed the baby is possibly going to make your life much harder! It's far better he looks after you, does nappy changes, learns to settle baby (a skill!) does cleaning and cooking so you can establish a healthy supply of breast milk and baby can learn how to feed. This can involve quite literally cluster feeding (baby and you naked for hours on end in bed/sofa) on and off the boob every few minutes for days on end at times. The first big growth spurt is at six weeks. This will mean baby will want you more for comfort not just more milk. Every time there is a leap you're likely to find baby wants to be on top of you (get a good sling) and definitely your boobs! Breastfeeding isn't just about food, it's also about pain relief and comfort so your baby will miss out if your husband bottle feeds just because he wants to.

Couldn't agree more with this and I know it's not what the post is about but it did stand out to me too. Doing a bottle just so he can have his desire to feed the baby...
If you want to breastfeed your husband needs to get behind this 100% and the ways he can help are like this poster said - and there's so many other ways he can bond with baby and have a vital role in looking after you too. Fair dos if as you go along you do end up wanting or needing to give a bottle a day but I certainly wouldn't be planning on it or feel you needed to do this just for his benefit

Dilemmaemmaaa · 16/07/2022 11:39

My little boy is about to be a year and has only had one sleepover at my parents, we were at a wedding so getting him back at midnight wouldn’t have been fair on him really. He’s a great sleeper, literally never been up during the night since 6 weeks old so I think that’s why I’ve never been desperately needing a good nights sleep and asked them to take him. They’ve also never stayed over at my house to watch him while I sleep as it’s just not needed. I have been quite into the whole routine thing though and part of me doesn’t want him staying away in case someone else ruins it for me but also just that protective mum feeling where I don’t like him not being with me 🙈 The in laws haven’t ever even offered to babysit but they have a caravan they go away in every other week so I’m waiting on them assuming itl be fine for them to take him away for a weekend or something when they haven’t ever looked after him before 😬 I think that’s also why I was quite strict with the no sleepovers thing as I felt if I let my mum do it then they’d also want to. I’m not sure if il feel better about it when he’s 2 or 3. My friend had a baby a few months after me and she’s had her staying over at her mums quite often. Her MIL has then asked to have her and she’s felt she had no choice but to say yes but felt so uneasy about it. I was just so glad I hadn’t got myself into those situations when she was telling me 😂 she’s not so good at sleeping through though so I think she’s desperate for a good nights sleep and has had both of them staying over to help when she was tiny too

brown543 · 16/07/2022 11:44

Going somewhat against the flow, my kids went to their grandparents as young babies. I expressed enough in advance and they could top up with formula if needed.

Personally a night of decent sleep was a life saver as the first few months are brutal. Although it helped having my husband doing one of the night feeds. I also didn't have a milk supply issue, at one point I had two full drawers) worth in the freezer....

I wouldn't judge anyone for having a different opinion but I also think some of the expectations put on new mums are a bit much. You do what works best for you, don't feel guilty if you choose an alternative to having a baby attached to you 24/7.

Suedomin · 16/07/2022 11:49

You can't make those decisions now wait until the baby is born. All babies are different. You may still.be trying to establish breastfeeding at 6 weeks and offering a bottle could make that worse Also some breast fed babies refuse to take a bottle , and expressing is not easy.
Personally I think 6 weeks is much too soon, but you should wait and see what you feel like when the time comes. Don't commit to anything yet

bluesky45 · 16/07/2022 12:00

I wouldn't have wanted mine to go so early. Ds1 was 3y2m and saw was 2y10m. Although I was more than ready for it by then! Ds1 would have been ready earlier but covid put a stop to it. Ds2 wasn't ready any earlier as we had tried it a few months before and he had to come home!