Baby ruining my life

[02tootired]

Baby #2, very much wanted but his sleeping habits are ruining my life. He's 10 months old. Never slept well other than a short-lived 3weeks phase around 3 months old where he would sleep in his cot and wake only once for a feed around 3-4am then back to sleep (so I know he's capable).

I have slept in the spare room with him since day 1 (so that DH can actually get rest in our room as no point us both being exhausted and he has the monitor for our two year old on case she needs him). Was my intention to be back in my own room by 6months but I'm still stuck with him now and becoming really resentful. I don't want to sleep away from my husband this length of time, its not healthy for a relationship. Husband doesn't complain to be clear, this is not what I want, it's making me very unhappy. I've had enough. 10 months is enough time away from my husband and my bed. And baby needs to start to fall into line somehow with sleeping in a room without me. He doesn't sleep well with me in the room anyway so he's a rubbish sleeper either way, why keep making myself miserable being apart from my other half every night.

Baby is a nightmare sleeper. I never get more than maybe 2 hours unbroken sleep but that's on good nights. Most of the time he's up more often than that. He's just super clingy and wants to be with me all the time. I do not want to co sleep with him. I did that on and off when he was small between trying to get him back into his cot because literally wouldn't settle any other way but it's always scared me for the safety element so I've never been able to relax or sleep properly when he's with me in the bed and now he's far too rolly and it's not safe for him to be on the bed at all, accident waiting to happen. He has to be on the cot for his own safety.

I've tried everything with him. Nothing works. Literally nothing. I'm at the point now where I just want to leave him in the room alone and let him work things out for himself even if that takes him hours. I don't want to sleep with him and I don't want to go to him. If I had a bedroom I could put him in at the other end of the house where he couldn't disturb us all with his whining and crying I probably with the mindframe I'm in right now would do it. I cannot physically continue to go on the way we are. I need to be back in my marital bed and be less exhausted so I can actually be a good parent to my eldest who is suffering everyday with a mum too tired to take her out or play properly and who has no patience or energy.

This morning after being up with him from 3am-6am with him refusing to sleep or go back in cot for that full 3 hour stretch I had had enough. When my daughter got up at 6 I took him into her room, put him in her crib and closed the door on him. He screamed and screamed for about 25minutes and I just left him. My husband was busy sorting out the dogs and the morning jobs then he did go get him.

I just don't know what to do or really what the point of this post is other than venting. I love my son but I despise him at night. I NEED him to be in a room on his own. I give him every little bit of me all day every day. I want some small part of my life back with being able to sleep with my husband at night but trying to leave him in a room alone he just screams the house down keeping us all awake anyway. I feel so hopeless.

Sorry DS*

@OrangeBlossomsinthesun

OP has already said cosleeping doesn't work for her, the room isn't set up for it and can't be. It doesn't work for everyone. With DD it just meant she was even more awake.

She and baby could swap with the husband if it was a better solution...........

This sounds so tough. I would honestly look into different sleep training methods. My DS was exactly the same at 10 months and it nearly broke me. He would be up for hours at a time in the night, nothing would settle him except rocking in our arms until he was solidly asleep, and then he'd be up again an hour later.

We focused on getting him to go to sleep in his cot. We started at night time when he was most tired and then naps followed after naturally once he was used to doing it. It was really hard but it worked so quickly.

I sat right next to his cot next to him, putting a hand through the bars and saying shhh a lot. I picked him up and gave a cuddle if he was getting to upset, rubbed his back/bum etc. The first night it took 45 minutes for him to go to sleep, then he was up at 1am and it took 1.5 hours. He wasn't crying the whole time, but there was some screaming. And he did eventually go to sleep without needing to be rocked. After that we started leaving him for 5 minutes when he woke overnight before we went in to him, and 99% of the time he settled himself without too much fuss. If he didn't we'd go in, give a cuddle, put down and sit next to him again. After 3 nights he was going to bed happily and sleeping through reliably.

We had a few rocky patches and had to go back to the start again, but it was the best thing we did. I look back at that time and I don't recognise myself, it was truly horrendous. I hope you find something that works for you.

@kormaKormaChameleon he has dinner at 5:30 and eats well.my little girl has bathtime at about 6:30 and baby will join in with that on alternate days so on days they share bathtime he has a bath, I give him a baby massage with lavender stuff which he enjoys before sleepsuit goes on then he has a bottle of milk in the living room and falls asleep before he's finished the bottle. (On days he doesn't have a bath he still has the massage followed by bottle the same.) He then will sleep for 2 hours without fail in the living room put down, not held, as long as either me or husband is in the room. If he's in the room alone he somehow knows and wakes and cries but as long as one of us stays in the room he will sleep long enough for the other to make / serve up dinner and for us to eat and watch an episode or two of something on the TV (quietly). We take turns with who does dinner and who baby watches. At about 10oclock he will start to stir at which point I change his nappy for a fresh one and take him straight to the bedroom where white noise is already playing. I feed him a bottle, I give him 6oz but he usually falls asleep after 4-5. He will initially go in his cot and I usually get about 90minutes to two hours of initial sleep with him in the cot. From about 12:30 onwards he is then up and down up the only pattern really being that hes awake more than he's asleep. I have previously tried trying to put him to bed in his actual cot in bedroom after the massage and bottle but everytime we've attempted this he is awake within minutes and instead of being able to at least eat a meal together and have a but of downtime, I end up constantly up and down the stairs to him and more stressed.

I'd work on getting a solid afternoon nap, one nap, not two. He's probably a bit old to still nap at 4pm. This could be hampering his night sleep. Could you go out for a walk at 1pm consistently for a week or two to ensure he gets one solid afternoon nap and see how it effects his nights? Sleep consultants always focus on a solid afternoon nap to reset the nights