Baby ruining my life

[02tootired]

Baby #2, very much wanted but his sleeping habits are ruining my life. He's 10 months old. Never slept well other than a short-lived 3weeks phase around 3 months old where he would sleep in his cot and wake only once for a feed around 3-4am then back to sleep (so I know he's capable).

I have slept in the spare room with him since day 1 (so that DH can actually get rest in our room as no point us both being exhausted and he has the monitor for our two year old on case she needs him). Was my intention to be back in my own room by 6months but I'm still stuck with him now and becoming really resentful. I don't want to sleep away from my husband this length of time, its not healthy for a relationship. Husband doesn't complain to be clear, this is not what I want, it's making me very unhappy. I've had enough. 10 months is enough time away from my husband and my bed. And baby needs to start to fall into line somehow with sleeping in a room without me. He doesn't sleep well with me in the room anyway so he's a rubbish sleeper either way, why keep making myself miserable being apart from my other half every night.

Baby is a nightmare sleeper. I never get more than maybe 2 hours unbroken sleep but that's on good nights. Most of the time he's up more often than that. He's just super clingy and wants to be with me all the time. I do not want to co sleep with him. I did that on and off when he was small between trying to get him back into his cot because literally wouldn't settle any other way but it's always scared me for the safety element so I've never been able to relax or sleep properly when he's with me in the bed and now he's far too rolly and it's not safe for him to be on the bed at all, accident waiting to happen. He has to be on the cot for his own safety.

I've tried everything with him. Nothing works. Literally nothing. I'm at the point now where I just want to leave him in the room alone and let him work things out for himself even if that takes him hours. I don't want to sleep with him and I don't want to go to him. If I had a bedroom I could put him in at the other end of the house where he couldn't disturb us all with his whining and crying I probably with the mindframe I'm in right now would do it. I cannot physically continue to go on the way we are. I need to be back in my marital bed and be less exhausted so I can actually be a good parent to my eldest who is suffering everyday with a mum too tired to take her out or play properly and who has no patience or energy.

This morning after being up with him from 3am-6am with him refusing to sleep or go back in cot for that full 3 hour stretch I had had enough. When my daughter got up at 6 I took him into her room, put him in her crib and closed the door on him. He screamed and screamed for about 25minutes and I just left him. My husband was busy sorting out the dogs and the morning jobs then he did go get him.

I just don't know what to do or really what the point of this post is other than venting. I love my son but I despise him at night. I NEED him to be in a room on his own. I give him every little bit of me all day every day. I want some small part of my life back with being able to sleep with my husband at night but trying to leave him in a room alone he just screams the house down keeping us all awake anyway. I feel so hopeless.

[Thatwentbadly]

[quote 02tootired]@Thatwentbadly I wish taking turns to have him overnight were an option but it just isn't. With the job that OH does it's really not an option for him to go to work too tired, he could do himself a real injury. He does have our daughters monitor and she usually wakes once a night, occasionally twice which he deals with. He does pull his weight, can't really fault him. Any afternoons he's not working he will get home and then take both the kids out for 4-5 hours and tell me to sleep (although most of the time I try to catch up on all the house stuff that hasn't been done so I'm probably not helping myself there).[/quote]
What about his days off? Surely he doesn’t work 7 days a week and he can go to bed earlier every night to compensate.

[AllTheCakes]

Rather than the full controlled crying route, there are gentler methods which might work. If you haven’t read Lucy Wolfe I recommend that. It’s about changing the sleep association’s to non parent dependant ones.

I really think the key here is the naps. Good sleep in the day promotes good sleep at night. It sounds like your son is overtired.

[FreeAcorns]

Sorry but your husband DOES need to pull his weight. You cannot possibly continue- you sound exhausted and desperate. I'd say at least one night a week he needs to fully take on a night so you get a full night's sleep. At other times he can help out by either doing bedtime and the first few hours so you can get in a few hours unbroken sleep OR wake up early and take the baby so you can have a catch up then before he leaves for work. Let's not forget you have an even more important job: caring for the children all day. How would he feel if you were all injured in a car crash because you were so tired you couldn't drive properly? Or dropped the baby down the stairs? Or fell asleep in sheer exhaustion on the sofa leaving your dc unsupervised so that one/both got injured? Your dh is an adult who has had, by the sounds of it, pretty much uninterrupted nights to sleep despite having two dc who sleep poorly. He can cope with a few broken nights here and there. Your health and the safety of your dc are just as important. If I were you I'd forget snuggling up with him and go and turf him out so I could sleep while he parents his child! You're at breaking point. Stop blaming the baby and start demanding better support from your husband!

[02tootired]

@NameChange30 I think you are right that I was definitely at a breaking point this morning after a 3 hour stretch of awakeness 3-6 with him crying and not being able to settle him. I didn't feel great for leaving him 😞

Husband was unaware he was crying because he was already outside before I put baby in the room on his own. As soon as he came inside and heard him, he went to straight to him.

Unfortunately as someone else has termed it, husband has to be the "sleeper" and get decent sleep because his job is too physically demanding and potentially dangerous to do tired. He does pull his weight in many ways around the house and with the kids, it's just unfortunately down to me to do the baby nightshifts every night. I'm definitely struggling but asking OH to help more than he does isn't the answer with the way our particular work/home set up is I'm afraid 😞

Somehow teaching little one to sleep better is really the only long term solution.

[NameChange30]

As several of us have pointed out, your DH doesn't work every day, does he? Everyone gets days off.

I'm sorry but one of the reasons that you are at breaking point is your insistence that your DH can't possibly do more. Martyring yourself by doing all the nights and then doing housework instead of napping when he takes the children out is not helping you and it's not helping the family either. You have to value your own needs more.

[Ohalrightthen]

If you have a complete breakdown due to sleep dep (that sounds like the way you're heading) then your husband is going to need to manage work and two children somehow - it's in all your interests to change something before that happens.

I would suggest he takes a week of holiday and sleep trains the baby while you get some proper rest.

[Tistheseason17]

We did controlled crying technique but with more frequent intervals to a max of 4 mins in between as it nearly broke me hearing the crying. But, within a week it worked and 7 years later they're a happy secure child,no issues. It was hard, but it worked. I'd walk in, put my hand on their tummy for reassurance - no eye contact , then walk out. Then repeat. Max crying period was 12 mins.

[Trainchoose]

it's just unfortunately down to me to do the baby nightshifts every night.

Does he work 7 days a week? You are headed for a breakdown, it's hard surviving on very little sleep, especially when you have to still do everything in the day for both children. He has to pull his weight, yes ideally your little one will 'learn' to sleep better, but even with sleep training that isn't guaranteed.

[NameChange30]

Also he gets a nice afternoon out with the children (and he gets plenty of sleep so he has the energy to enjoy it) while you stay at home doing housework... I know which I'd rather do!

[02tootired]

@Thatwentbadly we live on a farm. I appreciate most people might not really understand the full ins and outs of that. It really isn't an option for him to not be able to work with a clear head. And it is 7 days a week. Days off are not possible, a few afternoons a week yes, and he takes both kids off my hands those afternoons.

I really can't expect him to do more than he does.

[mscongeniality]

I know this is probably what you don't want to hear but your husband needs to step up and help at night. Mine has done night feeds for both of ours (my older one is 5 and my second is also 10 months). I wouldn't have my sanity otherwise. The baby doesn't sleep through yet, still has about 2 feeds at night so I do get it, it's exhausting. But my husband does one of them and I never left the room, I think you should move back into your room and get him to help a bit.

[Isadora2007]

Another one suggesting nap focus as you say you let him fall asleep in your arms then after breakfast when he doesn’t really even need to nap... which I just don’t get. It’s like you’re encouraging the dependency to associate you and cuddles with sleep during the day but then resent that at night? That’s not fair.
Your baby is doing what is normal for mammal babies- ensuring he is near to you at all times so a predator doesn’t come and eat him. It’s healthy and normal. He doesn’t need fixed if you can become more comfortable with Co sleeping. Is there room for the cot side to come off and be sidecarred to your bed? We had several years with a cot then a single bed next to ours... and both in the room at one point!
Failing that, you need to get a routine during the day for one longer nap probably and then try a consistent gentle sleep routine such as pick up put down or the no cry sleep solution. Get your husband to take a few days off though and work together.

[mscongeniality]

Cross posted, I guess I'm not sure what else to suggest if your husband can't help at night...white noise? That helps my 2 to sleep for longer stretches. It's hard so o do sympathise!

[Trainchoose]

Well then OP he can pick up the pieces when it gets too much for you. I know that sounds harsh, but it's true. Nothing is guaranteed to help your child sleep through, understandably you are at your limit, and he is getting a full night sleep every night. Even if you had one night a week of uninterrupted sleep a week it would make the world of difference. Unless there's someone else who can help either on the farm or at night.

[Nichola2310]

My son was a nightmare sleeper too and when he was 14mths I got in contact with a sleep consultant. Best money I've ever spent. I was even able to do it remotely and this was pre-covid. We had 1 video call and the rest of it I completed sleep diaries and communicated via text.

He was sleeping through the night within a week and still is 11 months on.

[NameChange30]

I was going to ask whether finances would allow him to employ someone to work part-time on the farm to allow him more time off.

I realise it must be hard physical work but surely it's doable on a bit less sleep?! What did he do when the babies were newborns, did you do all the night wakings then too?

[JohnLapsleyParlabane]

Oh I sympathise so much. Having been in your position I would recommend prioritising a firm nap routine alongside getting your DH to take some of the strain on suitable nights. I would aim to get your little one down to 1 long post lunch nap a day; both of mine had to move to that before one year old and the difference in their night sleep was astonishing. With my first it took about 4 weeks to really hit our stride with single nap. With my second it was a little quicker possibly because I realised sooner that it needed to happen.
What helped my DH in the nights was to be responsible for weekend nap times so DD got used to Daddy being the parent who helped her to rest, not just me.

[02tootired]

@Isadora2007 I think he's tired early on because of the less than great sleep at night. It's not so much that I try to let him fall asleep at that time just that he's so tired that after breakfast with him on me knee having a cuddle he will tend to drop off.

I think I will retry the controlled crying and/or co sleeping as both those keep being suggested as maybe the best things to keep trying at night.

During the day I'll work on keeping him awake longer in the morning, try to consolidate his naps into fewer and at a better time in the afternoon.

[BreatheAndFocus]

My DS was a poor sleeper even though I’d had few problems with my other children. I totally get your exhaustion. I felt my brain had switched off. I used to go shopping and feel that I was so tired I could just lie in the middle of the aisle and go to sleep admidst the chaos and noise.

Personally, I think for some babies/DC, sleep training simply doesn’t work. My DS used to end up being dick with crying. It was ridiculous and just caused him (and me) more stress.

This might not be a popular opinion but I ‘gave in’. I felt my DS could pick up on my stress and my desire to sneak away once he was asleep. So I basically co-slept and followed his lead. It wasn’t magic, but he did settle and sleep better. His sleep gradually improved and although he’ll never be a great sleeper like some, I was able to function and feel a hell of a lot better.

Some babies simply don’t need as much sleep as others. I’d cut out that 4pm nap. I found if my DS slept after 4pm or so, he had a worse night. I’d also lower your expectations about how long he’s going to sleep at night and not compare him to other babies. I stuck with a later bedtime for my son than my cousin’s baby had (similar age) and that worked for him.

It does get better They move through phases and their sleep changes. Once my son was more active that helped. It also helps when they begin to understand better and to communicate.

[BreatheAndFocus]

Sick not dick!!!!

[NameChange30]

I said this in my first post but just want to repeat as it's very important: make sure you've ruled out health issues that could be affecting sleep.

DC1 was a terrible sleeper and it turned out he had silent reflux caused by CMPA. Once we'd resolved that and he wasn't suffering we were able to sleep train.

Yours might "just" be a bad sleeper in which case crack on.

[Redwinestillfine]

Firstly you are doing amazingly well. Night waking is a killer. Firstly get some dummy's. I wouldn't normally suggest getting them at 10 months (it's usually the time to be ditching them) but if it helps him sleep....just be really strict about taking them off him in the morning so he doesn't still have them at 3. Next get some white noise in the room. We used a dehumidifier it ran all night and seemed to help. Thirdly try a gradual withdrawal. Settle him and start by moving a bit further away from the cot every night, and don't sleep in the room. If he wakes then try the dummy to start. We bought a toy that you can attach a few dummies to do he couldn't loose them in the it and learnt to settle himself. You can progress onto soothing him via the baby monitor so you can stay in bed. He will get there!

[02tootired]

@NameChange30 we do have some part time help, I'm not sure we can increase that at the moment.

Yes I've done all the night with both newborns but when DD was newborn I honestly didn't find it hard. She wasn't a great sleeper but she wasn't terrible. She would wake up quite a few times but was easy to settle herself back down from fairly young so long as I reassured her for a few minutes each time she woke she would usually fall back to sleep. I also didn't have a toddler then which I guess helped.

[02tootired]

@Redwinestillfine thank you. I do sleep with white noise on for him which definitely makes him sleep longer stretches when he does fall asleep than if it isn't on so I have that on constantly. I've offered him several different dummies on and off since he was a few weeks old til about 5 months and he was never interested. I haven't tried since so that might be worth a re visit.

[JimandPam]

OP I've scanned so apologies if this has already been addressed but dare I mention...slaps consultant?

I have 5 mum friends who have used various ones over the years and without exception, they have all had their baby's sleep dramatically improved, and not one of them used the CIO method.

Several friends have used consultants through lockdown so no staying over-you spend two weeks detailing a diary of everything your baby does and then you get specific plan and intensive zoom support.

I know babies who have sounded just like yours who are now sleeping through.

I think most of my friends who didn't have the consultant sleep at the house with them paid £300-£500. Is this something you can afford?

Note, I'm not a sleep consultant nor work for one just know people who have said it changed their lives!