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Original poster

Controlled crying support thread - anyone interested?

110 replies

ShirleyPhallus · 06/10/2020 11:28

At the end of our tether with our lovely DD, who used to self settle but for various reasons is now in the habit of waking up every sleep cycle (45 mins or so) and will only be fed back to sleep, but even then that’s not always working.

We have tried everything - cosleeping resulted in terrible sleep for everyone as she wriggles so much and i sleep so lightly worried about rolling over on to her. The gentle methods haven’t worked either as she gets so frustrated by us being there but not holding her / feeding her.

So CC it looks like. I’m not interested in people telling me how cruel / unfair it is and suggesting we co-sleep. That hasn’t worked, and it is far more unfair on her for me to be knackered during the day, not to mention unfair on her as she’s now waking with dark circles under her eyes and it’s clear she’s not getting enough rest.

Anyone else thinking of CC? Support thread might be nice?

OP posts:
rainydayslover · 06/10/2020 11:34

It sounds like she is going through a sleep regression. I have no advice for you as I've ended up co-sleeping with DS as I needed some sleep who is still in my bed at 19 months. I've tried everything and even controlled crying but I couldn't continue as DS would get so distressed so much that he puke from crying and would shake for ages until he fell asleep in my arms. I'm sure a lot of people would come over with some great advices but I just didn't want to read and leave.

Welikebeingcosy · 06/10/2020 11:36

I'm up for it! Decided to just go cold turkey with the breastfeeding and stop being in the room with her whilst she falls asleep. How old is your DD? Mine is 16 months.

Hiphopopotamus · 06/10/2020 11:37

How old is your DD @ShirleyPhallus ?

Original poster
ShirleyPhallus · 06/10/2020 11:40

@rainydayslover for sure, she went though the 4 month sleep regression but it became clear it was her “new normal” rather than switching back to self soothing. It’s now been 2.5 months so clear it won’t be happening again any time soon

@Hiphopopotamus she’s 6.5 months

@Welikebeingcosy welcome! Yes we need to switch her to her room then do the same. When are you thinking of getting started?

OP posts:
rainydayslover · 06/10/2020 11:53

I'm assuming she is breastfed? My DS is still breastfed and hugely believe it's the main reason why we are in this mess (co sleeping at 19 months). Do you have someone that could take her for a few nights if you are planning to stop feeding her? It's easier to do before 8 months to sleep separately for a few nights and your oh to takeover the night duties. I wanted to feed until at least he was 1 and actually regret my decision, fingers crossed I will do everything differently with baby no2.

Original poster
ShirleyPhallus · 06/10/2020 12:12

@rainydayslover oh that sounds so tough! Yes she is EBF and we are planning to night wean at the same time by having 3 fixed feeding times (which are her longest ones, the rest are for comfort) and then dropping the minutes she feeds for. I’ve read it’s best to do this by waking them up to feed then letting them get back to sleep by themselves to avoid mixed messages.

DH is fully on board and will do half the check ins, I’m not ready to stop feeding her yet so happy with the night weaning plan

OP posts:
doadeer · 06/10/2020 12:17

I did it at 12m.

It's horrendous but it worked. Took 4 nights for no tears (and reduced each night) we went in at regular intervals. I cried the first night and called myself an evil mum.

Since the last night of the 4, we have never had an problems with sleep. He is a dream even now at 20m. He naps like clockwork. Wakes happy and laughing. It's been the best thing we did. Lots of friends have endless issues with sleep (though they are still so scathing of CC even though over time they've had far far more stress and tears than us as they have them frequently and we never do!)

My piece of advice would be if you start you have to stick at it, if you stop a couple days in all that upset was for nothing.

taabitha · 06/10/2020 12:17

I'm beyond this point now. But I did it with DC3 who is just under a year. Also still EBF so it's possible.

Sully84 · 06/10/2020 12:31

Just wanted to say good luck.

I did it with DC2, I can’t remember the exact age, probably around 2 or slightly younger. I did the method of lay them down, go in after two mins, lay them down again, go in after 4 mins and repeat, doubling the length of time each time. I was expecting it to be long and drawn out but shockingly he was asleep before I hit the 16 min wait and the next night was fine. I was more cross at myself for not trying it sooner and know I was lucky he took to it straight away.
I know other people who did it but felt so guilty would have friends round the first night to make them stick to it and that helped them.

rainydayslover · 06/10/2020 12:34

That sounds like a solid good plan and it's great that your husband is also on board as you'll need his support for this. I was on my own and was the main care giver (DH worked really late). Good luck and please keep us updated on how you get on and the results as I would opt to this route for the second one :)

OverTheRainbow88 · 06/10/2020 12:36

Can I join please? I’ve put it off now for a year and DS is 20 months and it’s still A disaster, I just need to courage to do it!

startswithanL · 06/10/2020 12:36

Hi

I did this both my kids now 5years and 18 months and it was the hardest but best thing we did for them. It's not a thing you do unless your at that point like you said where your baby is also lacking sleep, it's worse for you both to be so sleep deprived.

Just wanted to offer some advice really, rule out the first week don't give yourself much to do in the days or evenings as you'll need to fully commit but keep in mind after the worst part you will all be happier and more rested it will end!

I read the book on CC and made a schedule which I stuck on the fridge and followed every night until the crying got less with each visit to their room. It gave me some focus and I knew what I was doing with it each night.

I also gave myself 'tasks' to do at each interval when they were crying just to keep
Me busy and my mind from forcing me back into the room. For example folding washing, get lounge ready for evening, stir dinner add a couple of ingredients. Sounds stupid but it meant the time in between visits went quicker.

I'm not sure if your little one stays with any family but after we had established good sleep and they stayed at my parents over night they would also do CC but it wasn't to the same degree but if they cried when my mum left the
Room I told her to wait 3 mins before going back in etc...

Good luck with it Daffodil

Bobble011019 · 06/10/2020 12:36

DS was exactly the same. We ended up cosleeping but nobody was getting good quality sleep.

CC is not cruel when done well. It's different from CIO and you're constantly reassuring your baby that they are safe and you are there for them but teaching them to fall asleep independently.

We end up getting a sleep consultant who thought us how to do it and overnight he became a brilliant sleeper who sleeps in his cot from 7am-7pm. Try not to see it as being cruel to your baby but more that you're helping her to self soothe and overall get a better quality sleep :)

The key is consistency and persistence and it helps greatly if you and your partner both participate. You should notice a difference almost straight away!

I thought it was going to be so hard but in fact it was easier. Physically, emotionally and mentally. Best of luck !! :)

Welikebeingcosy · 06/10/2020 12:37

OP I'm planning on starting now. I tried before but was still breastfeeding and after days it still didnt work and now I'm going completely cold turkey. She is crying for nap time boob as I type.

startswithanL · 06/10/2020 12:39

Sorry forgot to add I've heard putting baby in a Gro bag or sleeping bag helps and it certainly did with both of my girls so maybe try that as nights are getting colder now as well Smile

Original poster
ShirleyPhallus · 06/10/2020 15:12

Thanks so much for all the positive words and advice. I think MN is sometimes so pro-co sleeping that it’s difficult to remember that that approach doesn’t work for everyone. I’m also going back to work before Christmas so really need this sorted by then!

@Welikebeingcosy and @OverTheRainbow88 sounds good, when are you both thinking of starting?

OP posts:
OverTheRainbow88 · 06/10/2020 16:37

I keep putting it off and giving in so last night by 9.30 he was screaming and kept pointing out his room towards mine... So he wanted to go on my bed. I have in and within 4 min he was asleep but he’s a pain to sleep by. He wriggles, tries to steal my pillow, shouts HI randomly..

So I am thinking of starting Friday night so have 2 nights with no work the next day!!

How about you?

OverTheRainbow88 · 06/10/2020 16:38

The key is consistency and persistence and it helps greatly if you and your partner both participate. You should notice a difference almost straight away!

This is what worries me, we’ve tried before and after 5 terrible terrible evenings and nights we had no improvement so gave in

OverTheRainbow88 · 06/10/2020 16:38

He’s stubborn as hell and wants to sleep touching

1940s · 06/10/2020 16:39

6.5 months is too young

1940s · 06/10/2020 16:40

Totally normal for a 6.5 month old to be teething which is super painful and needing feeds throughout the night

Original poster
ShirleyPhallus · 06/10/2020 16:58

Hi @OverTheRainbow88 I think we might try this weekend too, for the same reasons as you. I’ve read you have to be committed for 14 days, have you seen any improvement at all when you tried it? Does he have a “lovey” or other comforter that you could maybe try him with instead of you?

@1940s DD cut her bottom teeth 3 weeks ago, one of the reasons why she’s still waking for feeding now is that she was doing that in the night so much and now the habit has stayed. 6.5 months isn’t too young according to the sleep practitioners I’ve looked in to and I’m comfortable to try it now

OP posts:
rosielrh2 · 06/10/2020 16:58

We’re at a similar point where we’ve all had enough of the broken sleep. We’ve sort of introduced CC at bedtime which never gets drawn out too long thankfully. However I struggle to know what to do with the (many wake ups). Do I decide when he feeds and do CC for every other wake up? He’s 9 months
Good luck all

Original poster
ShirleyPhallus · 06/10/2020 17:13

@rosielrh2

We’re at a similar point where we’ve all had enough of the broken sleep. We’ve sort of introduced CC at bedtime which never gets drawn out too long thankfully. However I struggle to know what to do with the (many wake ups). Do I decide when he feeds and do CC for every other wake up? He’s 9 months Good luck all
Hi @rosielrh2. So what we are doing, is to have recorded all the wake ups and feedings for the past few days, then can see a pattern of what is an actual feed vs what is a feed for comfort.

We will then choose 2 or 3 actual feedings through the night to do. So, 10.30, 2.30 and 5am for example. Apparently you then wake the baby up to feed at this time and then let them self settle after. If they’re already awake and crying at this time, you let them go back to sleep then wake them up 10-15 mins after for a feed. Each time, decrease the feed by 1-2 mins, leaving the 10.30 feed as the longest one until last. This will apparently wean them off gradually and allow your supply to adjust too

OP posts:
Bobble011019 · 06/10/2020 19:38

The key is consistency and persistence and it helps greatly if you and your partner both participate. You should notice a difference almost straight away!

This is what worries me, we’ve tried before and after 5 terrible terrible evenings and nights we had no improvement so gave in

@OverTheRainbow88 what way did you do it if you don't mind me asking? It might not work straight away for everybody to be fair, so we were probably just lucky.

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