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Waiting it out

449 replies

burritofan · 18/09/2019 20:28

Is anyone else following the extremely vague and lazy "wait it out and hope it spontaneously resolves itself, maybe solids/crawling/walking/time/eventual night-weaning/magic/bribery once she can talk or be reasoned with" baby sleep plan?

We're nipple-deep in the four-month regression, which followed fast from the 8-week-jabs endless night poo era, then the 12-week hourly waking growth spurt. Throw early teething,

a late tongue tie division and a crap reaction to 16-week jabs into the mix – all in the same week! Which is when she migrated from Snuzpod to sleeping in my armpit – and you get a shitstorm of night wakings, my solution to which is:

plonk baby (now 21 weeks) in bed with me each night – after first making comatose with boob after rock-solid bedtime routine – and reapply boob as needed. Sometimes sleepily snuggling works in the middle of the night. Sometimes she wakes, babbles, pats around to check I'm there, and resettles. (Rare as a unanimous AIBU? thread, but like sunshine when it happens!)

Sometimes we start the night with a 3-hour chunk, other times 45 minutes. Some nights she wakes up only 4 times, others what feels like 4,000. Very little crying unless more teeth/colds, in which case howling then calpol and boob and a lie-in if she grants it. (I know the advice is to wake at the same time each day but (a) the baby wakes herself at the crack of dawn most days and when she doesn't (b) if she was up for two hours howling because of her teeth, I'm not going to enforce a wake-up for the sake of some Gina Ford nonsense.)

The 45-minute wake-ups are guaranteed if I put her down in her sidecar crib now, or even if leave the room – sometimes she wakes straight away if I try to swap with DP. Even in deep sleep she has a batlike sense for my being in the room. She generally starts the night starfished on the bed; as the night goes on she gets more unsettled and likes my armpit to snuggle into best. Perhaps it's the woolly mammoth furriness?

She's not great at feeding lying down but I'm persevering because I'm lazy. Occasionally I attempt the pull-off thing of putting my finger in her mouth to delatch once she's asleep but I'm too knackered to do it consistently or time it to gradually reduce feeds, I think I'm doing it in a half-hearted "gosh I really should sort this sleep thing". Mostly I do it so I can go to sleep if I'm feeding sitting up. I've no idea how to shhhh-pat; PUPD seems like an awful lot of effort with a heavy baby when I could be lying down, and deeply confusing; gradual chair or whatever makes me want to weep with exhaustion more than the current situation; CC or CIO is neverrrrrrr going to happen. On the other hand, I have wistful recollections of evenings, of my lovely DP, of times when I ate dinner somewhere other than over a snoozing baby's head in the dark...

Basically is anyone else doing what I'm doing to improve their baby's sleep, i.e. not very much at all, and wants to commiserate while we ride it out, slash create bad habits, construct towering Jengas of rods for backs, build sleep crutches, and generally arse it up? Any experienced "totally winged it and it worked out fine" mothers want to share delightful stories of "Oh one day he just pushed the boob away, fell asleep and did 12 hours and it's been a fairytale ever since, I got my bed and my sex life back" lazy parenting magic?

DP & I are softies who plan on an open-door policy of "if the kid can't sleep because of nightmares or growing pains, come on in our bed, they're only little", have fond memories of childhood shenanigans of sleeping on the landing or sneaking down to see what the grown-ups are doing, BUT also have no interest in "giant floor bed co-sleeping til 20" and quite like each other and the idea of the kid in her own room eventually, it would be nice to have some hope.

::rambles on in a sleep-deprived manner while teething DD snores on my shoulder, preps coffee machine for tomorrow, hopes there are other chaotic parents out there doing the absolute least::

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Harrysmummy246 · 15/10/2019 15:47

Well we had a bouncy bedtime after a huge lie in which he must have needed. But then just one wake at 2 am, no extra medicating or weird tantrums. I'll take that.

And not sobbing when he went into nursery either

bottomflannel · 16/10/2019 09:37

Currently sitting in a hospital waiting room waiting for a physiotherapy workshop (pelvic floor buggered). There are a group of us - and everyone else has their baby with them, sitting placidly in their car seat/stroller, happily blinking out at the world or fast asleep. What must it be like to have one of those babies... mum is looking after DS2 at home (which has me on edge as it’s the first time I’ve left him for more than 30mins in 18 weeks) as there is no way he would just lie there serenely. Feeling seriously crap.

Whuut · 16/10/2019 09:59

@bottomflannel Oh sorry that you're in hospital, and sorry you feel rubbish. It's hard to see babies like that, I totally get it, but they'll all have something going on behind the scenes, although that doesn't make it any easier. Don't worry about DS, he'll be fine.

If it makes you feel any better, I went to a garden centre to meet my nan yesterday, and after boasting how DS will now happily sit and sleep in his pram, he showed me up by straining and squealing to get out the whole 5 mins he was in there. I ended up carrying him around the bloody place, only for my nan to tell me "it's probably because you picked him up too much when he was little." Yeah, thanks, just what I need to hear. UGH. Why do people insist on telling you it's something you did?! Same nan also said to me, when DS was about 4weeks, "Oh dear, do you have to rock him? Can't you just put him down and give him a pat on the bum and he'll go to sleep?" I almost laughed but I love her too much.

bottomflannel · 16/10/2019 12:34

Wise words, thanks Whuut - am home now. He did really well with my mum, though he wouldn’t take much milk at all from the bottle. Something to work a bit more on. He also honoured her with a poonami, so she had her work cut out! She said he only had one full-on teary upset episode, so while I feel guilty for making him go through that, it could have been a lot worse. I’m so relieved he hadn’t been like that the whole time.

On rereading my earlier post, I think it was anxiety making me feel that way - I didn’t know that you were allowed to take baby along to the appointment so was the only one without and missed him so hard I ached - milk randomly letting down all morning - but then got caught up in the comparison trap.

I’ve never understood the idea that responding to your baby by picking them up is a bad thing - some babies need more picking up than others and it’s nothing we have done to make them that way - it’s just how they are wired It’s hard when people you love come out with things like that - I hope you had a nice day despite your nan’s comment.

Whuut · 16/10/2019 13:47

Lucky mum haha. Don't feel guilty though, he got upset but had someone who loves him right there to comfort him, no harm done.

Ah yes, the comparison trap, it's a hard one to get out of. A lady at a baby group I go to sometimes can't leave the house on time as her DD sleeps so much and she doesn't want to wake her Hmm

We did, thank you. Yeah it's super hard. She's from a generation that just left babies to cry so I know she doesn't mean the comments maliciously, she just doesn't understand. Her friend has just had a great-granddaughter too, so there's a competition of which baby is the most 'good' and 'content' (god I hate those words) going on. Why does everyone ask that question- is he good? What do they expect me to say. Yes he's good, he's perfect cus he's my baby, but no I don't sleep, ever and I hold him 24 bloody 7.

Sorry for the derail rant!! Hope hospital went okay.

AliCanTea · 16/10/2019 18:54

I’m so glad (in a way, not actually glad for you) to hear others say that the ‘pat on the bum, off they go to sleep’ or ‘sitting serenely in their car seat’ babies are another species - I seem to only meet that sort and have been wondering what I’ve done wrong!

Maybe all the super-bright alumni babies of this thread will be besties at Oxbridge in 20 years.... right?!

Harrysmummy246 · 16/10/2019 19:41

@AliCanTea

re Oxbridge- my mum used to get told a lot that babies who don't sleep are probably very clever and jokingly wished my sister and I are stupider

I have an Oxford Degree (and did teacher training at the other place), She's an architect (UCL).

DS threw us a curve ball today. Didn't wake til 9 then down, having gone critical on us, before 7. He's finally developed an off switch. When he is actually ready to sleep, it is like he flips the switch and that's it, sparko

burritofan · 16/10/2019 19:45

@AliCanTea All the babies I meet in real life are vacant-eyed potatoes who sleep through 7-7. Roll on DD's PhD.

I will catch up with the thread in my all-night vigil tonight I think; was just feeding her to sleep when she threw up all over the cot. After I washed her hair and changed the sheets and her clothes... she threw up on the bed.

I need a sleep Plan B for when milk isn't the answer!

OP posts:
Cakeandmarshmallows · 16/10/2019 20:37

My people!!! Where were you a few months back wen my now 18 month was the only baby in the world not sleeping!! That's how it felt! My few mum friends had babies who went to sleep at set times and slept through from early on!! My little boob monster was waking at least every hour through the night.....and like others I wasn't sure whst to do, but knew cio etc wasn't for us.....we Co slept which saved my sleep and sanity. He's better now than he was, takes a while to feed to sleep and I don't know how / what else will work to get him to sleep, he will sometimes wake in the evening and usually wakes once or twice per night for boob, but has done three sleeping through, well fun 12/5:30 ish! I count that a winner!!! Oh and he's finally in his own cot, some nights.....

So I'm rambling, but those with younger ones, hoping it gets better, it does with time and patience!! Which are often in short supply!

And I'm so glad to have found you! I'm now hoping for enough time to eat dinner and read all posts before baby awakes and or I fall asleep. Other half on shift so not home till 10pm ish!

Fingers crossed for good night for us all!

Mariposa123 · 17/10/2019 08:26

@burritofan we’re in a similar boat to you I think. 24 weeks and has never slept in her own crib, always feeds to sleep and never goes down properly before 10pm!

She went through a phase of only wanting to sleep on me but the last week or so she’s been more unsettled and I feel like we’re starting to disturb her.

However I’ve no idea how to sort this. Whoever she falls asleep in the day time on me and I try to transfer her to her crib she wakes up immediately. She has started to sleep better in her pram so Vaguely hoping she’s starting to make improvements herself without much input from me.

My husband has already said he’d never follow through with CC so that’s not going to be an option either! Everyone else I know has babies who sleep so easily, or are firmer with CIO.

It’s nice to see I’m not alone!

bottomflannel · 17/10/2019 09:29

burrito Sorry to hear about your poorly girl, I hope she is better this morning and you both managed at least some rest.

Whuut Hospital was fine ta, was just a workshop on how to help repair your pelvic floor after birth - have now got a one-to-one appointment so they can have a look down there to see what’s what. Yikes. I suspect I have some form of prolapse (thank you, childbirth!) but hopefully only a minor one. I too hate the ‘is he a good baby?’ comments.

Welcome to all the new joiners. It’s good to have you with us.

AliCanTea Another species is right!

Loving the ‘vacant-eyed potato’ comment too.

My firstborn was a terrible sleeper as a baby and he’s now one of the smartest kids in his class, so there might be something in the idea that bad sleepers are highly intelligent. Clinging on to that hope for DS2!

Have a good day all.

AliCanTea · 17/10/2019 10:10

@Mariposa123 I think I’m disturbing DD too. DH slept in with us from about 4am last night as all progress went out the window with a baby basically doing shots from my boobs from 12.30am but never really settling.

DD and I eventually went off to sleep leaving DH lying there unable to move or sleep (I feel only a little sympathy) but when we woke around 5.30 I found him shaking his head at me. Turns out I, and I quote, “make noises like a dying horse” in my sleep. And that’s what had woken DD. Right. Own room it is then.

chars02 · 17/10/2019 13:09

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chars02 · 17/10/2019 13:18

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burritofan · 17/10/2019 14:07

Vaguely hoping she’s starting to make improvements herself without much input from me.
My method in a nutshell, Mariposa. Although nights the last couple of weeks have been so bad, combined with a couple of days' nap resistance, I'm starting to wonder if I should be on Team Do Something. (I don't know what, though. How much effort is No Cry Sleep Solution, is it actually no crying, and is it a solution?)

Cakeandmarshmallows Once or twice a night sounds like absolute heaven from where I'm (barely) standing. On my knees with knackeredness now, never thought we'd be on hourly wake-ups at six months. Everything's just a phase but our phases just seem to get worse and worse.

bottom Glad you're out of hospital and hope your pelvic floor is OK. Thankfully DD didn't repeat the projectile vomit trick so it was just the 2 dozen wake-ups to deal with overnight.

A lady at a baby group I go to sometimes can't leave the house on time as her DD sleeps so much and she doesn't want to wake her
There's always one. I go to a PND support group and one woman monopolises the conversation with her guilt that her baby sleeps through and that he's so happy all the time: "I hear about other babies crying or waking and night and wonder why mine doesn't, it's so worrying!" Witch.

PS Whuut All babies are good. Literally not one of them is a serial killer or arsonist. I hate that question too, though it's excusable from nans and old people at the bus stop.

OP posts:
Harrysmummy246 · 17/10/2019 14:40

Reported your posts @chars02

You've just come to spam us with sleep training and for a price

burritofan · 17/10/2019 14:54

Thank you, Harrysmummy – didn't dare click that link! Glad to hear about your son's new-found off switch. Hooray!

OP posts:
Harrysmummy246 · 17/10/2019 17:37

We'll see whether it's still there given he napped nearly 1.5 hours at nursery today

burritofan · 17/10/2019 17:57

At least you know there's a potential off switch!

DD has napped for a grand total of 33 minutes today. 13 this morning on my lap after feeding to sleep. 20 after two hours shoving the pram in the pissing rain. Now on the boob trying to suppress her into a catnap so she's not a screaming mess by bedtime, been trying for this nap for 90 minutes FFS.

First day in a long time that I've wanted to return her to the hospital as broken. And DP is away overnight. And there's no dinner because when I should have been cooking it I was standing in a pitch dark room doing squats with a screaming baby on my shoulder. And I can't cook and eat after she's gone to bed because she wakes up all the fucking time if I'm not in the room. And my NCT group chat are literally having a smug-off about their nap routines. Someone pour wine down my throat please because I've got to do it all again tomorrow on a handful of hours of broken sleep and I can't see it improving, ever.

OP posts:
AliCanTea · 17/10/2019 18:11

@burritofan Argh mate I’ve been there. Do you know anyone locally who could bung you some dinner (silently) through the letterbox? If not, me too, I have no ‘village’ and it sucks.

burritofan · 17/10/2019 18:15

@AliCanTea My village are all online, far away, or can't leave their babies. Hopefully between this nap (she's finally conked out! At... bathtime. I am so bad at this) and bed I can cram in some toast while also clearing the bed of laundry and getting into pyjamas and entertaining the baby...

OP posts:
Mariposa123 · 17/10/2019 19:30

@burritofan oh man I have been there with the dark evenings and no food! Once my pizza burned because DD was finally asleep without me I got cocky and in the time it took to cook she had woken up and wanted a feed so I got stuck. I know this sounds smug but I’ve found batch cooking microwaveable dinners that only need one hand to eat a life saver. Might that help for the future?

bottomflannel · 18/10/2019 07:56

Up every hour and awake for the day at 5.30am? Sure, son, why not! What’s the next step up from matchsticks because I’m going to need them. Bleh!

At least it’s Friday.

bottomflannel · 18/10/2019 09:17

Just remembered DH is taking DS1 to a Cubs event Saturday. So no respite there either. Jesus wept.

Whuut · 18/10/2019 11:03

Snap @bottomflannel. I decided, stupidly, to go out with a friend for an hour last night. Came back to a screaming baby and a distressed DP. He was then up almost every hour, awake at 2.30 for an hour and up at 5am for the day. I'm thinking clothes pegs to clip our eyes open? Would probably be only slightly more painful than this lack of sleep.

Sorry you won't get any respite. My DP went out last weekend so he'll be on baby duty this weekend. Still frantically trying bottles in the hope he might surprise me and take one so I might have a proper break. More likely- we'll keep trying, won't take one, will be old enough for a sippy cup or something and by that point I'll be past the point of caring.

Hope everyone has a good day.

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