I don’t want my baby

[JennaC17]

This is going to sound awful but I need to share it and hopefully find people who have felt the same or someone will have good advice.

My LO is 5 weeks old and I really can’t cope with the sleep deprivation anymore. On a rare good night he will sleep for 2 x 3 hour stretches, but often he will cry all night with half an hour pauses at best. I’m the type of person who needed a solid 8 hours to function pre baby. Now I’m getting maybe 2 or 3 if I’m lucky. I’m not enjoying the baby, I’m not enjoying my life anymore. Every night I lie there trying to think of ways I could get rid of him. Adoption maybe, but that would never go well with my family. Maybe if I break up with my partner he will take the baby and I’ll be free of him..(which is terrible as I love him dearly). I know these thoughts are awful but I’m having them and I don’t know what to do. I really don’t want him anymore and it isn’t fair on him as my resentment is showing.

My partner is working full time in a very stressful job, but once I shared my thoughts he sent me to the guest room and said he would do the “night shifts”. Annoyingly the baby sleeps great for him, waking once or twice for feeds then going straight back to sleep. I felt better after a few decent sleeps and so said I would start sleeping back in the main room. Instantly everything went back to how it was. Him screaming all night, me crying all night and everyone feeling awful. My partner looking after the baby at night isn’t feasible long term with his job, but I can’t see how I can go on like this. I’m not sure what the solution is.

You need to seek support from your midwife, HV or GP. It sounds like the sleep deprivation is really getting to you, and these thoughts could also be a sign of post natal depression. Please don't be worried or embarrassed, you deserve support.

It sounds like you've already found someth that might work - I understand your partner can't necessarily do all night every night, but could he do half of each night (till 1am, say?). Or could he do every other night? If you both get just enough rest, that's clearly better than your partner being rested and you being in pieces.

Poor you. Have you spoken to gp or hv? It sounds as if you may be developing pnd as a result of the sleep deprivation and your frustration. Your baby is still very little, 3 hour stretches are pretty good and maybe with your dh giving you a break it will establish it as more typical. Does he sleep during the day?

sleep deprivation is hell- its a torture technique !
Does your LO nap in the day? Dont try and do anything if they do, nap when they nap. I promise you the sleep gets better, we all come out the other side and then stupidly forget how bad it is and have a second baby.

You poor thing, I have been there and it's truly awful. Don't feel bad about how you feel, sleep deprivation is a very effective form of torture. Other than your partner, have you any other family support? Is there anyone who can help out during the day so you can catch up on some sleep. Have you spoken to your GP or health nurse? Does baby have colic, reflux? There are things that can help if there's something causing the crying. Can your partner do two nights every weekend? This is a temporary situation so do whatever you need to to get through it. It absolutely will get better, but that's not much comfort to you now.

Oh sweetheart - I was you 8 years ago - we seriously considered adoption as our lives (as we knew them) were in tatters. The advice above is good - speak to GP/HV A's you might have mild PND. It really will get better for you quite soon so keep on going. Your DH sounds lovely too.

PS I had a second and it was very different in a good way so don't be put off!

Oh love sleep deprivation can break you. I also wonder if you’re depressed since my friend with pnd said she found herself thinking the same thing about adoption and how she could get out of being a mum. I had a very bad sleeper and all I can suggest practically is that you don’t worry about anything else except looking after the baby and sleep. Rest whenever the baby does, forget about housework, cooking, ironing - none of that matters. Even if you can’t sleep, try to chill out and have some time for you. This will pass and it does get easier, it just feels like a fog when you’re in it. In addition get any help you can, HV, any friends, family who could be there and also see the doctor about possible pnd

Oh op I feel you. This was me. It was absolute hell and I did anything I had to to get some sleep. Any time she napped, so did I. I would stay in just to keep everything calm and watch tv. I wouldn't do much because I didn't have the energy. I remember at this time I wasn't eating anything either because I felt stuck to the sofa with the baby. I had pnd - is it a possibility for you?

It's so important to remember that it won't always be like this. I promise. You're 5 weeks in and it's a fucking slog at that time.

Do you have any family that could come by to let you have a nap?

They always settle better for everyone else at that age I found - they can smell milk if you breastfeed (I didn't though)

Oh and I joined the non sleeper thread on here. There was always someone up when I was

I promise it will get better but maybe not for a while and you can't continue like this.

I second all the pp, you need to speak to your HV or gp as soon as you can. The detached feeling is most probably a bit of pnd brought on by sleep deprivation. If left untreated it will just get worse and worse.

In the meantime you need sleep and a practical plan going forwards. Could your dh maybe do the nights on Fri and Sat with maybe 1 midweek for example Tuesday and you do sun, Mon, weds and Thurs?

It's only temporary but you need to work as a team to get through the early days.

It might be worth considering ideas why baby is worse for you. I assume you are the main carer and maybe baby can detect your scent but not feel so is just looking for you. You could try moving the crib to dh side of the bed so his scent masks yours or sleep in 1 of dhs t-shirts and see if that makes a difference.

The beginning is rough and we all feel like we are getting it wrong at times but there is help and support out there you just need to ask for it.

^ what others have said. Please reach out and get the support you need.

As others have said have your baby checked for reflux, dairy intolerance etc.. ranitidine for reflux has been a game changer for our 9 w.o. As we now get 5-6 hour stretches.

Baby will always settle better for anyone else if they can smell your milk

Thanks everyone for being so understanding. It really helps to know I’m not alone and others have been here too. It isn’t socially acceptable to admit you don’t want your baby, so I’ve felt awful and very isolated with my thoughts. Just writing them down and sharing is a weight off my shoulders. He is also difficult during the day as he wants to be held all the time, I can get him off to sleep in my arms by bouncing him around, but the second I try to put him down he will scream again. The few occasions I’ve got him to sleep away from me, I’ve had to try and do something about the absolute state our house is in. We have mouldy food in the fridge, weeks worth of dishes in the sink, all of our wardrobes are piled up in the dirty pile... I’m usually very tidy and so I don’t think living in such a mess helps my mental state either! DH family live in Portugal and although mine will offer help occasionally, they don’t live near by and have busy lives themselves. I know these early days are supposed to be hard, I just always thought I would cope better. We are breastfeeding in the day and bottle at night (purely because I wasn’t coping in the night as his feeds can go on forever and are extremely painful)... the breastfeeding issues we are having are a whole other problem for a different thread

I agree maybe I am developing PND - it’s hard to admit it though. I am a doctor myself and I think often we make the worse patients. I keep thinking I can solve this myself. I like the suggestions of maybe getting a routine where DH will maybe see to the baby on a couple of nights a week, so the consistency and something to look forward to might keep me going. I
hadn’t thought this before but I agree he probably senses the breasts and is livid that he’s getting the bottle. Maybe this is why he is so difficult for me...

You are definitely not alone in this. My bf and I thought we'd made a terrible mistake at first. Sleep deprivation is torture, quite literally.
I'll say what helped me/us. I would feed baby to sleep and (extremely carefully) pass him over to bf in the evening. I'd then go to bed until he woke up (12-2am), I normally managed to get 3-4 hours this way before dealing with the night shift. Then when we woke in the morning I'd hand him back over to bf for anywhere between 30mins to 2hrs. Depends on what time he woke up/bf working etc.
I ate oat cakes while I fed at nighttime, helped energy and keeping me awake. Nap during the day whenever I could.
Always fed baby to sleep, imo the easiest way, on a adult pillow with a soft pillowcase on my lap, this way when he fell asleep I'd carefully lie him down on that. I think he got used to not being held this way so I could slowly start putting him down in his carrycot for naps while I slept on the sofa.
Another thing...lay down feeding once feeding was less painful (took us 10-12 weeks) has saved me. Bf sleeps on the sofa, baby and I in bed. I get WAY more sleeep this way.
Good luck, one day and night at a time.
(Sorry it was so long)

Sorry also wanted to add, some less
Don't worry about the house. I had a daily goal list of...sleep, eat, shower, one load of washing. That was it for weeks.
Also...wherever you go take a basket of things with you so if you end up stuck on the sofa under a baby you have snacks, drinks, tissues, tv remotes, phone, face wipes etc.

What would you advise your patients? Sounds trite but do that.

It WILL get better

Is it financially possible to have a night nanny for 1 or 2 nights, just to help you catch up on some sleep?

And if that’s not possible, a cleaner for a few hours to help sort the house so you can nap during the day instead of doing housework?

The lack of sleep was my trigger for PND. Getting help from the HV and GP was the best thing because I just didn't want to do anything anymore. I couldn't cope.

Oh this was so me!! My dad had reflux and I cried to the consultant to fix my five week old baby or take her away as I couldn't cope anymore.

So things that helped. Getting a sling. Velcro baby sorted but I had hands free if needed.
A fab electric rocking seat. She'd go down in that if I put her down sleepily and I could either nap on the sofa or do a ten minute burst of tidying and then nap.
For a few weeks literally going to bed as soon as DH walked in, I would be in bed at 5-6pm and then my DH would do all wakings until 1am. It meant I got a solid 7 hours and I felt I could handle the early hours waking. I also started just reading or playing online bingo when she wouldn't settle. I used to get would up if I needed sleep and she wouldn't go to sleep, but if I was awake and doing something different it didn't feel that bad.

Oh you poor thing, it will get easier. The early weeks are so incredibly difficult. Do you have a good sling/ baby carrier? If not then it would be really helpful to get one, then you can keep baby close to you while you do things during the day.
I can’t cope with a messy house and it sounds like this won’t be helping you either. Would a cleaner be an option financially? Even just for a few months... then you could relax more during the daytime.

Previous posters have given good advice about overnight already.
Definitely speak to your health visitor and Doctor about how you’re feeling.
Finally, if you haven’t already done so read about the fourth trimester... it’s very normal for your baby to need to be close to you at this young age, it’s a huge adjustment and can be so very overwhelming. Be kind to yourself and remember that this too shall pass.

Dd* not dad 🙄

I messaged my mom hysterical when baby was 8 weeks ols and 6 mths saying I couldn't cope and he'd be better off without me. He obviously wasn't. I was drowning, he'd been up every 45 min all night for a few days and I was on my knees.
It seriously gets better. In my case my mom rescued me and took him for 4 hours and I slept like the dead.
You love your baby. Don't be a hero and do everything yourself. The idea of splitting the nights is good and do sleep when they do.
It does get better ds just started sleeping through properly this weekat 9.5mths and I feel human!

Co-sleeping. I know there’s a lot of advice against it as there is a risk of rolling on baby when you’re asleep. But when you’re breast feeding I found that I was more attuned to stuff in the night. My system was no duvets, only one pillow, dress in Warm pjs, and just a light baby blanket on myself. Baby in babygro, I would breast feed lying on my side, baby lying on side. Could doze off and sleep and feed throughout night, and move baby away when not feeding. No alcohol, Dh sleeping in spare room. Sorry I know it’s not recommended but I did this with all mine and would have been unable to manage any other way.

Oh and whatever you do, I think the six week mark is when things start to improve, the first six weeks are hell.

Hi OP, just wanted to say that I was in EXACTLY the same position as you 2.5 years ago - really really difficult baby, no sleep, absolutely miserable and a doctor to boot so the worst patients by far and the last to admit there’s anything wrong. Looking back now I had absolutely rip-roaring PND and pretty much lost my mind, to the point of suicidality. I never sought help and I’m living with the consequences of that to this day in terms of absolutely destroyed self-esteem, no self-confidence whatsoever, friends who have drifted due to lack of contact and isolation, and it’s taken all this time to reach the point where we can even consider another child. PLEASE, if you are struggling, seek help sooner rather than later. There is absolutely no shame in admitting to needing support, and it WILL get better.

Agree with recommending sling if baby won't go to sleep.

Tbh, I used to get a little annoyed when people said 'sleep when the baby sleeps' because I need to know I will not be disturbed for a goodly while in order to get to sleep & I didn't know if mine would nap for 20 mins or 2 hours during the day. I found a big help was 10-15 min guided relaxation meditations on YouTube - there's loads of them and if they work for you (I'm guessing they're not everyone's cup of tea), just those 10-15 mins can leave you feeling like you've had a good long rest because you've been in deep relaxation for a little while.