I don’t want my baby

[JennaC17]

This is going to sound awful but I need to share it and hopefully find people who have felt the same or someone will have good advice.

My LO is 5 weeks old and I really can’t cope with the sleep deprivation anymore. On a rare good night he will sleep for 2 x 3 hour stretches, but often he will cry all night with half an hour pauses at best. I’m the type of person who needed a solid 8 hours to function pre baby. Now I’m getting maybe 2 or 3 if I’m lucky. I’m not enjoying the baby, I’m not enjoying my life anymore. Every night I lie there trying to think of ways I could get rid of him. Adoption maybe, but that would never go well with my family. Maybe if I break up with my partner he will take the baby and I’ll be free of him..(which is terrible as I love him dearly). I know these thoughts are awful but I’m having them and I don’t know what to do. I really don’t want him anymore and it isn’t fair on him as my resentment is showing.

My partner is working full time in a very stressful job, but once I shared my thoughts he sent me to the guest room and said he would do the “night shifts”. Annoyingly the baby sleeps great for him, waking once or twice for feeds then going straight back to sleep. I felt better after a few decent sleeps and so said I would start sleeping back in the main room. Instantly everything went back to how it was. Him screaming all night, me crying all night and everyone feeling awful. My partner looking after the baby at night isn’t feasible long term with his job, but I can’t see how I can go on like this. I’m not sure what the solution is.

You're doing so well though. I know it doesn't feel like it. I promise that one day it will get better.

Tbh I'm clinging onto that fact myself right now (3 children, I've started my day at 4am for the last 3 months, setting up a new business, DH setting up a new business plus working ft, plus many many medical appointments for my children who between them have 5 different medical needs, plus my physio, plus DH physio...I could probably go on...exhausted doesn't cover it) - but it WILL get better.

Did you say if he's on anything for reflux? I assume his crib is raised etc? If you're moving him in the middle of the night then is that disturbing him a bit? DD3 started getting disturbed by us downstairs at night at 3mo.

You sound like you have pnd so please speak to your dr. No one is going to judge you. It gets better. Be kind to yourself

I didn't get a rush of love until Ds was nearly 3 months, he was 2 months early and looking back I was shattered and terrified my baby would die,no wonder I shut down. Motherhood is pretty shit sometimes, the good bits when they happen are great but the early days are relentless. Your good times will come and things do get better

@JennaC17 I totally understand! When she was very tiny I put her in a sling and walked until she fell asleep, went to the local cafe, and read until she woke up. I tried to do this every day so I was at least giving my brain a workout. Also listened to a lot of podcasts in the early days (and kept checking work emails for a couple of months - I don’t recommend that). My little one is 4m now, and I’m finally enjoying it now she’s interacting more. I have split the leave with my partner so only have a couple of months left and there’s a little part of me that would quite like to take the whole year. This part of me didn’t exist a couple of months ago! It does get more rewarding.

Can your DH take the baby out for a walk for an hour at the weekend so you can nap/read/revise Portuguese grammar/do something for you?

You sound like you’re doing really well. Remember you are still allowed an identity beyond the baby, even if it might take a bit of creativity to find outlets for that for a while.

@JennaC17 if you're on Facebook there's various doctor mum groups, PMGUK and another one for GPs, as well as practical advice there's a lot of people there in your situation who have gone from long working weeks to being at home with a baby. I think if it's not out of order to say this, we're used to succeeding and being good at things, and then this baby comes along that we can't control and it's hard! I used to do what you're doing, sleep 7pm-midnight or so and then I'd take over from DH. And nap lots. Good luck.

Sleep deprivation is the pits. Shifts with dp and earplugs when it's not your shift! Either split the night early /late or split the week. Make sure you get a catch up at the weekend, or nap.

Do you have finances to pay for a cleaner / housekeeper for a few hours a week or a post natal doula? So you can grab some more sleep / shower etc.

It’s so hard when you don’t have any family help. I had a baby who hated sleep and would barely nap in the day too, along with a partner working ridiculous hours. For me maternity was something to get through alive and vaguely in one piece, rather than enjoy. In retrospect I think antidepressants would have been a good idea. I loved going back to work.

Hope things improve for you

Hi,
I have not read all responses so apologise if that is a repetition of already things mentioned. Did you try to change formula? I was combo feeding until 6 months. The baby was screaming after feeds. I went through changing my diet and etc. Finally, we have changed the formula and she was finally contented.

'He’s getting a lot of reflux I think as he vomits bits up after most feeds now, and cry’s a lot after drawing his legs up to his chest.. ' Mention that to HV and GP he might have silent reflux which is quite painful.

Just in case it's not been mentioned, check out Silent Reflux. DS had that (and colic) and Ranitidine helped hugely.

Great minds think alike MamaTuska!

@JennaC17, my heart goes out to you. I perhaps didn't feel exactly as you're currently feeling but for the first 4 months of my baby's life, I was a big mess. I remember thinking what on earth l'd done bringing another life into this world when I wasn't enjoying him and him me. He was a constant crier and screamed if put down, he refused to sleep/nap and I was going through horrendous post-natal anxiety that was crippling.

Things have got easier though (he's currently 8 months). My husband has taken over the morning duty- waking up with the baby from 5am onwards- stressful job or not, he also has a role to play- and the weekends, allowing me some much needed rest and sleep. You will get there and look back and wonder how you coped. Go easy on yourself and ride out this period of crying. Definitely reach out to the HV if you're struggling and suspect PND, etc.

Just read your update: I'm a child professional in a related field to yours and thought I had it in the bag when it came to having a baby and being a mum- how wrong I was! I also like things super organised and in tidy- mess makes me anxious and as if my life is out of control. It's only now I'm beginning to get on top of things again. Use a sling during the day so the baby gets the comfort he needs and you can get things done, make sure you have a shower every day and wear clothes you can go out in, make it a priority going for a walk every day and delegate, delegate, delegate. You will come through this stronger and it'll all be worth it when the baby's at that stage where he interacts with you.

Our baby had silent reflux. Sadly the medications made things work but he grew out of SR at 4 months old.

Made things worse*

Sleep deprivation is torture.

I would suggest you do shifts. That's what we did so DH would wake up a bit earlier and have DS from say 5.30am until he left for work and I would get a couple of hours there but the main sleep would be when he got home from work. I would sleep from 6pm until say 11pm which really helped.

I know this means you won't see each other much but you need to catch up on sleep. That is far more important and just a few nights sleep will help you think much more clearly re your baby.

It might sound crazy but the one thing that helped me (three children, two terrible sleepers by the third one I'd got the knack!) was setting a proper day night rhythm. The daylight is perfect now to get started on this, I'd start at 7am with a good blast (appropriate to baby age, not standing outdoors in bright sunlight obvs!) of daylight, we had window seats so sat there for first morning feed. Then at 7pm that was it for normal day, bath routine and feed with the lights dim, no big noise no bright lights and I'd go to bed and read (pre laptop and proper wifi, I can say hand on heart they do grow out of it as mine are all adult/late teens) and try and sleep as soon as they slept. By the time the midnight feed came I'd already had a few hours sleep and it made all the difference and I was much more chilled about them being awake. I swear they are like horses and can feel your panic through your hands. Once you feel more relaxed it will all fall into place.

I remember it so well even though my first baby (who had me feeling exactly the same way you do now) has just left to go back to uni making my heartbreak a little and feel wistful for the baby days! It will all be FINE none of this lasts forever, there will be so many phases that leave you tearing your hair but none of them last very long in the scheme of things. Promise that very very soon you will start to 'click' and it will all get easier, you are doing brilliantly honest.

Just do what works for you. Our babies always slept in their room. I had a single bed in there. So our evening routine went at about 6.30 pm after walking the dog with pram- bath, bottle/boob, burp, bed with some music.

Supper, bath, bed for me. Baby slept til about 11pm when H gave bottle. I did everything between midnight and 5 or 6 am. I'd move rooms when the baby woke up until the morning. Then H took over again. He left at about 8. He came back at about 6 in the evening and took over.

It was enough to get us through the early year. I'm in France and we go back to work at 13 weeks. At 8 weeks we seriously pushed for midnight - 5am for them to sleep through. Currently this is out of fashion in the UK. We had maybe 4 nights with a bit of crying then they slept through.

DD1 slept through from 8 weeks to 14 months when she stopped sleeping altogether! I was 9 months pregnant by then with DD2.

Honestly everyone gives different advice. Just do what works for you. I'd say the evening walk + bath tires them out in a healthy way, so that's my piece of advice. Feel free to ignore.

OP
Lots of good advice here. I have been where you are. Top tips repeating what others are saying

1. I started bath bedtime evening walk at 6 weeks, helped. Bath somehow meant she slept till 10 or so. I did a dream feed at 1030, or DH did which gave me a clear stretch till around 1/2am.
2. I also put in a routine at 12 weeks gently nudging so I had a clear 2-3 hour window every afternoon at the same time when baby napped that I could use for me.
3. Single bed in the nursery for me and co sleeping and side feeding - the co sleeper cots worked for my first not so much for second
4. Use a dummy if needed?

The first 6 weeks are the worst! It’s a war of survival! You’ll be ok, and get out on the other side Good luck!

Some great advice here. I had a baby that would only sleep on me for naps and would wake up every couple of hours during the night. Somehow I survived until we sleep trained at 6 months. I just started going to bed when the baby did so at least I'd have a couple of hours under my belt by the time he woke up for a feed at 9. At weekends I'd be able to have a nap but it wasn't really possible during the week when my partner was at work.

There was a really supportive non sleepers group on here that someone else has mentioned where there was pretty much always someone else awake when you posted. Don't know if it's still going but I can imagine it'd be well used if it is.

I hated people telling me that it won't be like this forever as it doesn't feel that way at the time. What I will say is that just like having a baby, I can't remember the specific awful feelings now, which is probably why I'm pregnant again!

Good luck, you will survive this.

Hi OP, you’ve had lots of great advice so don’t have much to add except moral support.

I’m a doctor too and felt exactly the same as you when I had mine. I’m sure at one point I would have looked further into adoption but only stopped myself because of what my family would think.

It’s a huge change of lifestyle and I felt very isolated and hated the baby chat at groups, so took to doing a lot of long walks while listening to music or audiobooks.

If it’s any consolation, I did manage to get some time to study and sit my exams when he was over 6 months and in a good napping and sleeping routine.

We used to spilt the night so my husband would go to bed early and put ear plugs in until around 2-3am, then I would wake him, then I would put ear plugs in until 7-8.

I have since had another 2, and found they all slept better with swaddle pods which is similar to what someone mentioned earlier.

Good luck

I forgot to say! I had a night nurse 2 nights a week. Set me back a few thousand over 12 weeks but I never regretted. It was the BEST use of our savings

@VforVienetta Truly great minds!

@mavericksnoopy He isn’t on anything for reflux at the moment - I’ve just bought some “anti reflux” formula for the night feeds - I’m not entirely sure what makes it anti reflux but il try anything! We have just raised the cot head after I read your message (simple things just aren’t coming naturally to me at the moment!) Tbf we have only just started suspecting reflux so will try a few “home remedies” and then mention it at the 8 weeks check if we don’t see any improvements. Lots of people have mentioned silent reflux which I’ve been researching and he possibly has. You’re right that life hands us challenges at all stages in life, we just need to remember it’s all temporary.

@carey12 I love the idea of walking to a cafe to read while LO is in the sling. Any excuse to get out seems to really help. I might suggest DH takes the baby out at the weekend (unfortunately he’s just gone to Switzerland until Monday, so I’m all alone for a little while!)

@ExcwmbranDweller I agree they can sense your stress, and I think that is why DH has so much more success getting him off to sleep. We are going to try getting into a day/night routine because so far it has been here there and everywhere...

@wallywobbles how did you get them to sleep midnight - 5am? Did you just let them cry it out? It sounds like an absolute dream once achieved!

We tried “shifts” last night. I went to bed around 7pm (managed to get to sleep around 10pm as my mind is so overactive at the moment!) - DH stayed with baby and put him to bed around midnight. LO manages to sleep for around 3 hours when DH settles him and I’m not in the room - so I had a good 5 hours before the baby woke up at 3am and I was feeling surprisingly chirpy! He didn’t go back to sleep for a couple of hours, but then I got a few more hours around 5am - 7am. So I think we’re maybe on to something!

This all sounds v promising OP. I was thinking of you today.