I don’t want my baby

[JennaC17]

This is going to sound awful but I need to share it and hopefully find people who have felt the same or someone will have good advice.

My LO is 5 weeks old and I really can’t cope with the sleep deprivation anymore. On a rare good night he will sleep for 2 x 3 hour stretches, but often he will cry all night with half an hour pauses at best. I’m the type of person who needed a solid 8 hours to function pre baby. Now I’m getting maybe 2 or 3 if I’m lucky. I’m not enjoying the baby, I’m not enjoying my life anymore. Every night I lie there trying to think of ways I could get rid of him. Adoption maybe, but that would never go well with my family. Maybe if I break up with my partner he will take the baby and I’ll be free of him..(which is terrible as I love him dearly). I know these thoughts are awful but I’m having them and I don’t know what to do. I really don’t want him anymore and it isn’t fair on him as my resentment is showing.

My partner is working full time in a very stressful job, but once I shared my thoughts he sent me to the guest room and said he would do the “night shifts”. Annoyingly the baby sleeps great for him, waking once or twice for feeds then going straight back to sleep. I felt better after a few decent sleeps and so said I would start sleeping back in the main room. Instantly everything went back to how it was. Him screaming all night, me crying all night and everyone feeling awful. My partner looking after the baby at night isn’t feasible long term with his job, but I can’t see how I can go on like this. I’m not sure what the solution is.

Oh and tackle the house. I agree with you that living in chaos makes me depressed. Make this a priority for you and your partner this weekend. Do it in shifts but be left with a clean house, clean clothes and clean dishes. Then even if you don’t do anything til the following weekend you can blitz it again.

Chin up op it very much gets better... Mines actually asleep! My hv was lovely so please talk to yours, I got so bad nD I had hallucinations that baby was evil n watching me. It passed as he slept more n I go some help but was debilitating at the time with a dp who worked away a lot.
People are mostly supportive and will help you if u just say

I think everyone is right about accepting help. I’ve had a few friends say they would come and help even if just for an hour while I have a bath or something - but I always feel like it’s one of those things that people say but don’t actually want - I know how busy everyone is, and everyone has there own problems, so far I’ve done the polite thing of saying “don’t worry we’re fine”.

I went for a walk with him in the pram today during a particularly drawn out crying session and it got him off to sleep. I just need more things like this in my arsenal for days when I’m about to go crazy! We are going to start trying to “shift” idea, I will try and sleep when DH returns from work, and he will have he baby until midnight when I’ll take over and hopefully be feeling chirpy and ready for anything! I do feel like sleep is the answer here, because the times I’ve gotten a decent bit of sleep I feel like a new woman. Then I go back to bad sleep and I’m a sobbing mess again! @Fairylea I completely relate to your wanting to drive off and not coming back, I consider similar things most days lol. I can’t imagine having any more babies after this - I’ve told DH I want an hysterectomy just to be safe haha.

@thesheepofwallstreet Thank you - I know a lot of people are probably anxious to share the negative side of being a new mum, and so many people suffer in silence. I’m glad everyone here has been so supportive I seriously feel so much better after today. I do feel better after a solid sleep which is why I haven’t been too concerned about PND, the issue is more my lack of ability to cope with the sleep deprivation!

My heart absolutely goes out to you, I could have written this. We slept in shifts. I slept in the spare room from 10pm until the second time she woke up, then we swapped (usually about 3am, she slept better for him). On no sleep, I truly believed that everything in my life was really awful, I hated everything about it, and I just hadn't realised until then. It'd get to the late afternoon and I would cry because it was nearly night time again. You can do this! It will be shit for a bit but this is just a few months of your life. That doesn't make it any easier now though, I know!

Have you tried Gina Ford? It might help you, you never know.

What is your baby's rough sleep pattern/routine right now?

One thing I would say is we didn't even try to start putting our babies to bed earlier than us until they were 3 or 4 months old. They spent their evenings awake downstairs with us in their bouncy chairs.

I didn't cope very well with the sleep deprivation early on but I honestly found the messy flat made me feel so much worse. I felt anxious and like a was drowning seeing things fall apart around me.

I ended up cleaning and prepping dinners whilst DD was napping in the day then relaxing when DP got home of an evening. I was exhausted but it helped me feel more on top on this when the place was clean and tidy.

Once DD was a bit older, around 3/4 months she started going to SIL once a week to get her used to me going back to work at 6months. I'd use that day to get on top of everything and sometimes sneak in an hours sleep or even just relaxing on the sofa with a hot cup of tea.

Can you get a regular weekly couple of hours somehow. It broke the time up for me and I felt more on top of things.

You poor thing. For what it’s worth, if I knew my friend was feeling like you are now I’d be desperate to go round and help. They could hold the baby for an hour while you rest, or you could just ask someone to clean the kitchen and do a wash for you. You can tell them you’ll think of a way to thank them when you are feeling a bit better but they won’t need it. Don’t feel ashamed to ask for help - it’s hard. Why don’t you send a message to a group of friends just to say you’re struggling and would appreciate some support?

I really hope you feel better soon.

OP I feel you. I'm not going to say I was in exactly your position, but I did have many moments of "what have we done?!" And I know from talking to other, honest mums, that they've felt the same. Sleep deprivation is the worst. It's terrible. My DD is now 18 months. She's honestly just the best thing that has ever happened to me/us. Get the right help (make a GP Appt immediately) and you'll come through the fog.

Whenever I felt low, people recommended classes and I also pushed myself to go to them BUT I never felt any better. I kept going but kept comparing myself to other mums. I which didn't help. So go if you think it may help but don't keep going if it makes you feel worse. What did help was spending time with mum friends going for coffees etc.

I think most new mums /parents will know how you feel, it is literally thrown in at the deep end without a life jacket. The early days with my 1st were the hardest ever in my life that I’ve endured but you do adapt and it does get easier, take each day at a time and would it work if your dh did 1 night a week? 1 night a week you could get a lovely rest and I think that would definitely help. I think after 12 weeks it kind of settled a bit. Call on all the help offered, even if they are being polite, (I’m sure they genuinely do want to help) take it up. The first months of motherhood you have to get through it in any which way you can.
💐 and 🍰 and 🤗

You have had brilliant advice on here so I won’t repeat all of that.

I wanted to post though to say I really get it . My kids are older now but I remember the early days with DC1 so well.

I’m a HCP (not a doctor) and I wonder if you are putting more pressure on yourself because you are a doctor? We absolutely do make the worst patients. Often doctors don’t want to seek help as they feel there will be a stigma attached or implications for their career. Also we want to seem as if we can cope as our whole professional mentality is around coping and appearing calm and in control.

Go and see you GP or talk to your HV .

I’ve just got my six month old not to be on me 24/7- no DP so no rest-bite in that respect but v lucky to have a DM and DSis who would take her for hours at a time. I used a sleep programme and it has really changed and enriched my life. I can send it on to anyone who wants it

Oh my love I can really relate. My second was just like this and I have never felt so desperate in my life. Like you I need at least 8 hours in a chunk to feel human and function. I remember thinking about adoption but then discovering that after actual sleep I felt so much better. In the end I used a sling for naps - every single day for 7 months. I couldn't sleep when she slept but I could sit down and it was better than the alternative where she just stayed awake screaming. I remember one day being so tired when I was out - I saw a lady and thought "I hate you, you absolute cow bag. You get to sleep". I felt actual rage like I wanted to punch her. Thankfully I was in a moving car and she was walking down the road and I did still have my sanity (just) so didn't follow through.

My advice is to get a sling and to sleep in shifts. DD2 stopped sleeping at night for an entire month when she was 5 months old. We ended up sleeping in shifts. Please ask for help from people.

If you're in pain when he's feeding and he's being really fussy and unsettled at night do you think that maybe he has tounge tie? How much formula is he having at night? Is he finishing the bottle and maybe wanting more or is he leaving quite a lot because he wants to breastfeed?

I promise it gets better. DD2 is nearly 3 now and sleeps all night long. I am so glad we didn't put her up for adoption - the love I feel for her is unimaginable. DD3 however starts her day at 4am and has done for 3 months 😢😴 You're in good company on here. There will always be people who want to support and help.

Oh my love I can really relate. My second was just like this and I have never felt so desperate in my life. Like you I need at least 8 hours in a chunk to feel human and function. I remember thinking about adoption but then discovering that after actual sleep I felt so much better. In the end I used a sling for naps - every single day for 7 months. I couldn't sleep when she slept but I could sit down and it was better than the alternative where she just stayed awake screaming. I remember one day being so tired when I was out - I saw a lady and thought "I hate you, you absolute cow bag. You get to sleep". I felt actual rage like I wanted to punch her. Thankfully I was in a moving car and she was walking down the road and I did still have my sanity (just) so didn't follow through.

My advice is to get a sling and to sleep in shifts. DD2 stopped sleeping at night for an entire month when she was 5 months old. We ended up sleeping in shifts. Please ask for help from people.

If you're in pain when he's feeding and he's being really fussy and unsettled at night do you think that maybe he has tounge tie? How much formula is he having at night? Is he finishing the bottle and maybe wanting more or is he leaving quite a lot because he wants to breastfeed?

I promise it gets better. DD2 is nearly 3 now and sleeps all night long. I am so glad we didn't put her up for adoption - the love I feel for her is unimaginable. DD3 however starts her day at 4am and has done for 3 months 😢😴 You're in good company on here. There will always be people who want to support and help.

Respite not rest-bite! Maybe I need even more sleep!

@JennaC17

PM me your address and I’ll post it. I don’t need any money for it I would love it to go to good use. It was the only thing mine would sleep in and has fab reviews xx

@JennaC17

PM me your address and I’ll post it. I don’t need any money for it I would love it to go to good use. It was the only thing mine would sleep in and has fab reviews xx

OP my DS was exactly like that. I thought I was going to go crazy from sleep deprivation and it made me a very nasty person. Just somebody I didn't want to be.

I did sleep early and DH looked after DS from say, 7-8 till 12, and it helped Then I took over for the night and slept when I could. We also started with a routine for the baby for both evenings and naps at around 8 weeks and while it didn't work in the early days, we persevered and in the long term I think it was an excellent decision and has helped DS develop a healthy (for all) attitude to bedtime. I know routines can be controversial but it just worked for us. I was breastfeeding too but it didn't affect this.

Ask around and try different things till something works. And remember that everything is a phase and it will pass. I know what you are going through and it is not forever!

I read on here years ago that you should never feel bad when you see other mums out and about looking sorted. They're the only ones who managed to get out of the house!

Hope the shift idea helps you get some rest, do ring your friends who offered help and see if they're still free. I'd be so happy to help if I knew you, I'm sure they'll be too.

His general sleep pattern is that he gets sleepy around 9/10, we let him snooze on and off downstairs with us until around 12. At 12 we feed him, change him and put him down in his basket. Then in an ideal world he sleeps until 3 when he has a second feed and change, and then again until 6 when he has another... now this happens once in a blue moon, often he will wake crying at 1 and then 2, then often cry all the way to 6! Depends who’s looking after him, I’m sure he senses my weakness lol.

My mum doesn’t work on Thursdays, so once he’s older and I’ve expressed enough milk, I hope I can leave him there for the day in order to sort my life out and maybe nap for an hour or so - that sounds like an absolute dream at the moment! We’re planning to get out of the house again today just for a walk around the block, two hours and two outfits later, we’re now cluster feeding as hes just done another loud explosive sounding poop - probably meaning a third outfit! You have to laugh sometimes!

In terms of seeking help, I think sometimes being in the medical profession you’re well aware of how time and resource limited the system is, so you convince yourself you are fine and you would be wasting their time. Also, admitting a problem to a stranger, a problem you haven’t admitted to friends and family is tough... but I will mention it at our 8 week check up for sure.

@Mavericksnoopy we have had him checked for tongue tie and he doesn’t have it. He has 90ml formula at each feed. More then not he finishes the whole thing, sometimes he only takes half of it but then cry’s for the rest shortly after. He’s getting a lot of reflux I think as he vomits bits up after most feeds now, and cry’s a lot after drawing his legs up to his chest.. that’s another post all together though!

@RLOU30 Thank you so much, can I really not send you any money? I really appreciate it and hopefully it will get us some more much needed sleep! I’ll work out how to send a DM now :)

My baby was a delight for the first six weeks, and I’m pretty good on very little sleep - and I still felt like if someone had come and asked for her back I’d have handed her over. I really don’t think taking that long to bond is abnormal, but it is a bit scary. Great that you can talk to your partner, and if you do feel that it’s PND definitely get support.

The first months are hard, tiring and a bit dull. I was in a professional, high stress job (which I loved) before I went on mat leave and it took me at least two months to get used to being off which didn’t help. Also love a clean house - took to blitzing it when the baby has her first nap so it’s set up for the day. The whole “don’t worry about cooking/cleaning” thing doesn’t work for me. Going to bed at 8pm some nights does. Swaddling and white noise also help.

None of this is overly helpful, practically, but you’re not alone!

My baby had very similar pattern to why you described. He is 13 weeks now and sleeping much better.

We found is helped taking him into the bedroom earlier even if this meant lying reading on my kindle, rather than keep him in lounge till midnight.

It does get easier ! I find if I let the house get messy it makes me feel more overwhelmed so I try and do little and often.

I think there’s a dangerous narrative that all mothers should feel a rush of unconditional love the moment a newborn is placed in their arms.

I totally agree Belulah. That rush of love bullshit is so dangerous. I didn’t feel a rush of love with DC1. I did feel it with DC2. There is absolutely no difference in my love for both of them now.

I agree that the “rush of love” thing is dangerous - society setting expectations and then when most of your friends and family go along with it (likely a lot of them falsely because who really wants to admit they didn’t feel such love) - it makes everyone feel awful when it doesn’t happen for them. My labour was long and difficult and to be completely honest, when he finally popped out all I felt was relief for my haemorrhoids, which I was pretty certain were going to explode - I looked down at this slimey little thing and I just thought “I’m glad that’s over” (not realising the further horror ahead lol!)

@carey12 I’m still struggling with being at home. I was working 70 hour weeks in a very high pressured job that gave me a big mental challenge - to now be at home all day with a screaming baby, with a few options (change nappy, feed, bounce around) - my mind is dying and I’ve actually been trying to convince my partner to swop with me so I can go back to work... I naively thought I’d have lots of time to study (I have career exams I need to take and I’m learning Portuguese as DH is from Portugal) - But my whole day is filled with the baby’s needs. It’s very very difficult - more so than I ever imagined.