I don’t want my baby

[JennaC17]

This is going to sound awful but I need to share it and hopefully find people who have felt the same or someone will have good advice.

My LO is 5 weeks old and I really can’t cope with the sleep deprivation anymore. On a rare good night he will sleep for 2 x 3 hour stretches, but often he will cry all night with half an hour pauses at best. I’m the type of person who needed a solid 8 hours to function pre baby. Now I’m getting maybe 2 or 3 if I’m lucky. I’m not enjoying the baby, I’m not enjoying my life anymore. Every night I lie there trying to think of ways I could get rid of him. Adoption maybe, but that would never go well with my family. Maybe if I break up with my partner he will take the baby and I’ll be free of him..(which is terrible as I love him dearly). I know these thoughts are awful but I’m having them and I don’t know what to do. I really don’t want him anymore and it isn’t fair on him as my resentment is showing.

My partner is working full time in a very stressful job, but once I shared my thoughts he sent me to the guest room and said he would do the “night shifts”. Annoyingly the baby sleeps great for him, waking once or twice for feeds then going straight back to sleep. I felt better after a few decent sleeps and so said I would start sleeping back in the main room. Instantly everything went back to how it was. Him screaming all night, me crying all night and everyone feeling awful. My partner looking after the baby at night isn’t feasible long term with his job, but I can’t see how I can go on like this. I’m not sure what the solution is.

Yup I can relate to this. Sleep deprivation is basically a form of torture .

Like others said - speak to your HV and GP. You're absolutely not alone

When we had ds1 and DH was back at work ( we have no family around to help) we would do shifts to feed ds at night. One of us would go to bed in same room as ds and do first feed whilst the other slept in spare room then would swap after the feed. DH usually did first shift whilst I slept then we'd swap. It's ok for your DH to be tired too.

Can't DH have the baby for Friday and Saturday nights minimum so at least you get two night's sleep? Then ideally another night during the week? You don't need to be thinking about 'long term' as this won't last forever,it does get better.

This was me last summer it’s hands down the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. Is there a possibility your baby has reflux ? Mine wouldn’t sleep in anything except a CACOONABABY by red castle. Hands down the best thing I’ve ever done. It’s very expensive I’m happy to send you mine as I’m done with it now. Google it x

The early days are really hard. Would it be possible to get some help with the housework so you can nap in the day? Or a babysitter for a few hours a day so you can have a good nap?

Could you go to bed really early and have DP do until midnight? It still smarts when you have to get up early hours but if you've Already had 4 hours it is much much easier.

We started dream feeding DD when she was about that age. We set times to feed her, snuck in, stuck the bottle in her mouth then removed it when she had had enough. No picking her up or disturbing her! She still woke up around 3am but that was all. It was quite some time ago for me but it was something like:
Cuddly bedtime feed at 7
Dream feed 11 (done by DH)
Waking feed 3 but keeping lights very low and staying quiet
Morning feed at 7 loud and bright!

Eventually she began to sleep through the 3am feed. Gradually we brought the 11pm feed forward as she dropped the 3am feed. She stated waking at 6 in the morning but that was doable after a full night sleep!

Remember, it is only temporary. It will get easier.

Just wanted to add in terms of house stuff like cleaning etc ... it really doesn't matter. Let the house be a mess, it's only short term. My house it a tip and I don't have a baby

Make sure you're eating and drinking and anything else that gets done is a bonus. You can get some jobs done at the weekend when your DH is around.

Have you tried a sling so baby can sleep on you but you're hands free? Your HV might know of a sling library close to you.

Fuck the mouldy food atm op. It's survival time. Slings are great or my dd had a little swing. I also had an app I sometimes use to this day which was called sound sleeper which is a white noise app. It was a god send.

Such great advice and tips from
everyone Using a sling is a great idea to have my hands free and get things done, even if it’s just brushing my teeth and having a wash in the morning!

Financially things are pretty tough as I was an agency doctor before I got pregnant so I don’t get proper mat pay - it was unplanned and we had just spent all our savings travelling and then buying and renovating a house... so not the best timing! A cleaner and night nurse would be amazing but unfortunately not feasible for us.

@RLOU The Cocoonababy sounds fab - I’d be happy to send you some money for it, I’m willing to try anything right now!

I think I’m going to have to start sleeping when DH gets home from work. Lots of you seemed to have survived grabbing sleep whenever possible, and for me it seems that would be the only opportunity. Its the only time we get to spend together so it’s feels a shame having to sleep during that time, our relationship already feels strained - but like some have said, it’s survival time! And I need to keep reminding myself it won’t last forever (although I’ve seen people still struggling at 12 months which seems forever away!)

Can someone take care of him every morning or so? My Cousin did that for her SIL. Took the crying baby to her house for 4 hours so SIL had 4 hours undisturbed rest for as long as the phase lasted (it really is a phase). Do you have family available for this? Or can you hire someone? It would be important that you are not in the same house or you'll still be up because of the crying.

I really feel for you, I was there 8 years ago.
Literally every baby is different, so try what appeals to you first from all the excellent advice on here and elsewhere, then if that doesn't work try whatever seems to help.

We ended up doing 'controlled crying' advised by our HV at 7mo, as nothing gentle worked and we were all strained to breaking point. DS had purple rings under his eyes from exhaustion. I wouldn't suggest it as a first resort, but when everything else has failed it is worth a go.

Just my tuppence, but if you can stand the reading, look up proprioception - it's the sense of where you are physically. It turns out my eldest has big issues with this, and explains SO much of his early struggles. He needed to be held or in a sling the whole time or he screamed the house down. Lying in a Moses basket or cot was hell for him, and he could only cope with the car seat on the buggy as it hugged his body. He needs physical feedback or feels insecure.
If we'd known, it would have helped a lot.

I can recommend the Tula baby carrier, BabaSling, and there are tons out there to try.
If you have a postnatal group/mum friends ask if you can borrow a few to try them out before you commit ££. Most mums I know have a couple in the attic!

Really hope it improves soon for you, but please know that even if it doesn't there are ways to ease it til it does.

Oh, and if anyone offers help of any kind, just say YES! I found that so hard with DS1, but when DS2 came along I didn't care and just accepted the help! People don't usually offer unless they really mean it. X

Seconding whoever said SHIFTS! Even now, with a three year old, me and DH still do half the night each, swapping at about 3am (even though ds generally sleeps all night now unless he’s poorly). Knowing you have a solid couple of hours of uninterrupted sleep ahead of you does wonders for your mental health and ability to cope.

And try to get out each day even if just a walk around the block. The motion of a pram might send him off and buy you some time when you return home.

Sending hugs

I remember these thoughts, I’m usually super organised and everything was in chaos! I hate mess and nothing was clean.

Small wins helped, focus on getting a shower every day (before partner leaves) it really helps.

Ask partner to prepare you sandwiches/ easy food for lunch, drinks and snacks ready for you to just grab.

Get a sling they really help, if baby likes being rocked try a bouncer (mine saved me).

These early days are so, incredibly hard. You will wonder what the hell you have done and what your life has become, your relationship will feel strained, your house will be a mess, your brain will be mush, and you will feel like you will never make it through. This is normal and it's ok. But if you feel hopeless and broken, please speak to your GP about PND as you will need support.

On a practical note, agree you could take turns to do the night shift. And absolutely go straight to sleep when your partner gets home from work, this won't last forever and it's about doing what it takes to make it through.You will be able to spend evenings together again when your DS is a little older.

Maybe your DS doesn't settle with you at night as he can smell you and wants his mummy? Maybe try putting something in his cot (out if reach) that smells of you? Is there anything different your OH does to settle him?

Sleep deprivation is hellish. I doubt you'd have the same feelings about your baby if you got a bit more rest. You could see a GP about PND but if the feelings subside when you get sleep then sleep is the answer anyway.

I used to sleep 8pm till midnight while dh minded ds and then I did the night wakings midnight till 7am then sometimes got another hour sleep before getting up as ds often napped around 8am.

DH who was working got solid sleep midnight to 7am which is enough. I got a solid 4hrs then broken night.

Going to bed early definitely helped me. It’s hard not having time with your partner but remember it’s only in the short term. The sling also helped a lot as my son would nap in it and I could get a drink, make something to eat etc. or if I was really at the end of my tether I would just get outside and walk around for some fresh air and exercise.

They do get better at being left alone as they get bigger. I had a bouncy chair which I would sit my son in the bathroom in while I had a shower. In the beginning he would grizzle a lot but after a week or two he would settle in it quite happily. I would move him round the house in it while I did a bit of ironing/washing/whatever.

Sorry had to post early as baby did a big leaky poo whilst sat on my lap! Just wanted to say that it does get better. The first six weeks were the toughest and I wouldn’t say I actually started enjoying being a mum until about 12 weeks - he is now 20 weeks and things are much easier, he’s much more fun to play with and is developing his own little personality and it’s much easier to get stuff done around the house.

Other things that helped me were picking a good book to read on my kindle during night feeds or playing games on my mobile phone. I posted on facebook saying I was finding things a bit tough and asking if anyone had time to meet me for coffee/lunch/a walk and loads of my friends commented saying they too had found it hard when their kids were small. Getting out a bit really helped as I started to feel more like myself again.

Other things: make sure you get some time for yourself even if it’s iust an hour or so. Get your partner to have the baby while you get a haircut or have a soak in the bath or go for a swim. If you have a drop in baby clinic or toddlers group locally then chatting to other mums can help reassure you that you’re not the only one struggling.

And definitely get your other half to give you one or two nights off a week and plan in advance when those will be. It will definitely help you get through the bad nights if you know you’ve got a night off to look forward to.

Get a postnatal doula or a maternity nurse. I felt like I should have been able to cope with my newborn but I couldn't. I was not a young mother. I had a professional senior position and I was on my knees. I hate to say it but maybe yours has silent reflux. A postnatal doula saved my sanity. Just one night and one day a week can be game changing. A doula will help you tidy up too. Will make you food. Whatever you and the baby need. Best money I ever spent! Go on the doula.uk website and enquire.

(Sorry just had to say darkstar same just happened here ... another load ready to go in the washing machine .... )

I felt exactly like this with both of mine - now aged 6 and 16.

I remember one particularly awful day when I left dd aged about 6 weeks with my mum whilst I went to Sainsbury’s and I slept in the car in the car park and seriously considered driving off and never coming back.

Lots of people tried to tell me it was pnd but actually for me I just wanted to fucking sleep! Sleep is and always has been a massive thing for me. How the hell do you fall in love with something that wakes you up every 2 hours all day and all sodding night?!

You’ll be pleased to hear that it does get easier as they get older, they sleep for longer spells and you get more sleep. Eventually they turn into pretty cool little humans and you get something back from them in terms of engagement and smiles / interaction etc which makes it all more interesting and worthwhile- I’ve never been a baby person to be honest.

I absolutely adore and love my kids to the moon and back, honestly but those early weeks with each of them I did seriously wonder what the hell I was thinking having them.

Which is probably why there’s a 10 year gap between them ... I forgot how awful the initial baby stage was!

Also meant to add I made the decision to formula feed both of mine (dc 2 from birth and dd from about 4-5 weeks after struggling breastfeeding) because I wanted my body to myself in all fairness, I felt my life and my sleep had been invaded enough and it gave me the freedom to use then dh and my mum to give me some time off. Don’t feel bad about doing whatever you need to do. As they get older it makes no difference whatsoever, your sanity is more important.

You say you think you may be developing PND. This isn't developing, this is full blown serve PND, surely? It's not normal to have such intrusive thoughts on wanting to get rid of your baby. Please seek professional help ASAP.

@slappinthebass

Hugely common, actually, and not
At all abnormal in the early days- just underrerported by mothers, because of arsewipes like you, who word things in such a way as to make people feel like shit .

OP - it could well be PND- which is also so common as to be NORMAL- just a less enjoyable, shiny, happy, newborn experience than some mothers have- and the media would have you believe is “how it should be”.

You’re sleep deprived. How do you feel after a solid 4,6, or 8 hours? Like you want to hand your baby over? Or better? If better- it’s exhaustion - possibly with PND anyway. If not- maybe it’s PND straight up (with exhaustion on top for good measure!)

Either way- listen to the tips above, and see your GP just to keep them in the loop with how you’re feeling- so if you do feel you need more support from HCPs, you’ve already laid that groundwork.

And don’t worry- it does get better. Promise. (Although my almost 3 year old has been so very awful today I did think quite merrily about leaving him in the buggy in Next and walking away.... but that’s a different thread- and don’t worry about the toddler years now)

Oh OP, I feel for you. My first DD was a non sleeper and it’s awful. What helped us- coalescing once she was about 8-10 weeks. DH went to the spare bed and me and she had the bed. Feeding lying down too. Meant we all got more sleep. Also, a baby swing- she loved it, the more violent a setting it was on the better! The other thing that kept me going was that on weekend mornings/in school holidays (DH is a teacher) he would go downstairs with the baby and some expressed milk around 7am and watch a box set (he got through Mad Men and Breaking Bad this way) and let me sleep. I would stay in bed til around 11 and it was like a holiday in heaven. Those four hours on a Saturday and Sunday kept me sane.