I don’t want my baby

[JennaC17]

This is going to sound awful but I need to share it and hopefully find people who have felt the same or someone will have good advice.

My LO is 5 weeks old and I really can’t cope with the sleep deprivation anymore. On a rare good night he will sleep for 2 x 3 hour stretches, but often he will cry all night with half an hour pauses at best. I’m the type of person who needed a solid 8 hours to function pre baby. Now I’m getting maybe 2 or 3 if I’m lucky. I’m not enjoying the baby, I’m not enjoying my life anymore. Every night I lie there trying to think of ways I could get rid of him. Adoption maybe, but that would never go well with my family. Maybe if I break up with my partner he will take the baby and I’ll be free of him..(which is terrible as I love him dearly). I know these thoughts are awful but I’m having them and I don’t know what to do. I really don’t want him anymore and it isn’t fair on him as my resentment is showing.

My partner is working full time in a very stressful job, but once I shared my thoughts he sent me to the guest room and said he would do the “night shifts”. Annoyingly the baby sleeps great for him, waking once or twice for feeds then going straight back to sleep. I felt better after a few decent sleeps and so said I would start sleeping back in the main room. Instantly everything went back to how it was. Him screaming all night, me crying all night and everyone feeling awful. My partner looking after the baby at night isn’t feasible long term with his job, but I can’t see how I can go on like this. I’m not sure what the solution is.

Thanks @BelulahBlanca - I’m so glad I found this forum, everyone has been so helpful I can’t explain how grateful I am xxx

Hi OP. I was where you are a few months ago. LO woke multiple times a night, crying for hours on end. She had to be carried pretty much constantly during the day. I was going through all the motions of minding her but not feeling remotely connected to her. I was practically hallucinating, I was so sleep deprived. I did not feel that rush of love either and was diagnosed with PND. A low point came when I cried down the phone to my mother at 3am that I didn't want my baby anymore, I was a shit mother and she would be better off if I were dead (and at the time I meant every word of it). I would never wish that feeling of sheer hopelessness and guilt on anyone.

I promise it does get better. By 10 weeks, my LO's sleep had greatly improved and with that came a massive improvement in my mental health. Now she is 7 months and I love her to pieces. We go out every day to the park or to a cafe. Whereas before I couldn't wait to go back to work, now I am enjoying my last few weeks of maternity leave, something that seemed impossible before. It feels like it will never end, when you are stuck in the midst of it, but try to hold onto that fact, that this is only a temporary part in your journey as a mother.

In the early days, my partner took LO from 8pm to 12am. Most nights I was too wound up to sleep despite being exhausted but having that alone time to just rest did help a lot. I carried baby everywhere in a sling so I could at least clear a bit of the clutter which helped my mindset a lot. And my partner's lovely parents used to bring me leftover lasagne or similar every few days which was such a wonderful help, not having to worry about preparing a decent meal.

I hope you have lots of support around you. I know how hopeless it feels and how it is like it will never end. But it does. And you will look back on this in a few months as a distant memory.

Sending best wishes to you and your family

A friend told us that it only takes 4 days/nights to break a habit/ put a new one in place, and we believed them. They woke up and grizzled a bit but went back to sleep pretty quickly. There was no real crying. And come 5am we were available pretty quickly so I suspect it made the difference between night/day a bit clearer.

And with going back to work it was really essential to get some sleep.

I was told by DB that never let them become hysterical because it takes 10 x longer to get them calmer.

When an aunt gave birth to her second Dd they were told to never go to baby at night. So when they came out of hospital they put her as far away as possible in the house for a few nights. I'm not recommending this at all. But I suspect that was at one end of the pendulum's swing (parents doing what was best for them) and we are currently at the other end of that (doing what's best for baby at a high cost to parents).

It won't be long before he's sleeping through longer stretches, however that doesn't help you now.
I felt very similarly with my first child. I thought I was going to die. I remember my arms feeling so weak as I held her to feed one night that I couldn't anymore and DH had to take over for a week.
The second baby has been a much worse sleeper, but ironically, I've coped better. A few things have helped me:

• Planning in half a day at the weekends to just sleep whilst DH took care of the kids.

-Doing shifts every night- DH took care of the baby until 12am-1am each night and I would go to bed at 9pm and have atleast 3 hours of solid sleep before starting again. -Meeting other mums during the day and going to groups even if tired on some days.

• Napping even for just half an hour during the day time whilst the baby napped, I found that although I wasn't getting a high quantity of sleep, regular sleep seemed to be enough to function on instead- so maybe change your mindet, focusing on regular sleep as opposed to quantity.

Get some support for that PND too. I self referred to Mind and got some counselling. It saved me.
Goodluck xx

The more you can sleep and doing it in shifts with dh sounds great,the less over active and stressy your mind will be and you'll be able to switch off quicker and cat nap.

How's it going OP? Hope you're ok.

Sorry for the lack of replies - I’ve had a tough weekend without DH around! He has been in Switzerland and returns today. We had a good thing going with the shifts before he left, but obviously I’ve been flying solo the last few days.

I saw a HV today and the LO is gaining well. He’s crossed a centile on his weight and his head has shot up multiple to the 75th.. not sure how concerning this is or if he just takes after me lol. The HV wasn’t great, she was clearly rushing us out and I didn’t feel I could open up to her about my issues. She didn’t ask about me or how I was coping and I couldn’t find the words to bring it up (especially with someone who clearly didn’t have the time for us...)

I’m hoping to get a decent sleep tonight with DH being back to start the shifts again and I’m sure I’ll be feeling chirpier tomorrow. Don’t want to write too much right now as I’m feeling a bit shitty xx

Get a sleep tonight, you're tired now and everything feels worse when you're lacking sleep. Ring the HV and make an appt to chat with her.x

^^this

Glad you're still with us, thanks for updating. Hope the shifts continue to work.
If you're not keen on the HV, you can just see your GP instead.
Take care OP.

Do you have a drop in centre for your HV? Might be able to give you a bit more time?

Jenna I have just posted the cacoonababy bed today x I’m not on here too much but please message me on the number I gave you when you receive it, or, even if you want a chat to someone outside your circle x

Op as everyone says, it gets easier.
Mixed feeding can affect your supply if you do it too early, which might be making your baby hungrier. Babies will then feed non stop to build the supply up. If you just try and get through that patch then your supply will increase and your baby will be more satisfied. Still normal for such a tiny baby to wake every couple of hours , but it does then increase. I found as long as I got one stretch over three or four hours then I could cope with the broken nights, if I had too many in a row where I was being woken every couple of hours then I was deranged with tiredness.
Try not to think that this is the way life is now. Babies change rapidly, sometimes the only way to get through it is to break it into a small chunk. A day, a night, an hour. I found breastfeeding agonising for the first six or eight weeks, i only kept going by telling myself that I would do just this one feed. That turned into weeks, and it all got easier. Other patches have been hard, I now have a teenager, which is challenging in a different way ! Some stages are easy, it varies so much with the baby and the mother.
I hope it all gets easier op, and that you get more sleep.

RLOU30 that's so nice of you. I loved my cocoonababy, so I hope it helps the OP.

@TheFatberg

Yes I had an awful sleeper he had 5 beds and this was the only thing he slept in. It’s the way it hugs them in and the recline helps their digestion I think. Swear by it so much better than the sleepyhead - and safer! X

It is really hard and really shit to start with. I had these similar feelings and it was pnd for me. I ended up not sleeping for 3 nights straight (not one wink), despite baby being asleep. I had a melt down at my GP, felt like giving away baby too. I went on sertraline and it helped massively helping me sleep and lifting the negative thoughts. I hoped I'd avoid it with my second child, but found the negative thoughts creeping back in so asked for sertraline again. I didn't want to waste by babies life feeling like I didn't want her.
It does get easier as everyone always says.. I just wanted to know when was the day! I used to Google constantly and how to make them sleep. It made me feel worse.
My girls are 2 and 5 now. I'm off sertraline but sometimes still get stressed about the change to my life, the mess etc. It causes me anxiety still.
I hope you get back into a pattern now you have help again.
My dh was away 1 week in 6 and it was horrible at times. My dd2 wouldn't take a bottle so if you're does keep them regular as babies can reject them after a while.
Sorry my post is a bit rushed and I couldn't read every post. Wishing you some sleep.

Thanks so much @RLOU30 - it hasn’t arrived yet but I will message you when it does. I really appreciate it.

@BelulahBlanca I’m not sure if there is a drop in centre. I’m so up and down I’m not committing to a plan. One day I think right I need to go and get help, I can’t go on feeling like this. Then the next day I have a decent sleep and think there’s no need wasting anyone’s time I’m fine.

@sirvixofvixhall I’m living for the three hour stretch of sleep, it doesn’t happen often but I feel like a new woman when I get it! Taking it a day at a time is really good advice. Feeding is starting to be less painful and I’m happy I didn’t give up the many times I said I would! Someone said never give up on a bad day, and I think that is great advice to. (Were still waiting for the good day haha!)

@cottonsock I have a similar problem, not sleeping even when baby is sleeping. Last night for example he went to sleep at 10 and slept through to 1am, I laid awake that entire time. 3 precious hours sleep I could have had but my mind wouldn’t let me shut off. The longer I lay there, it gets closer to the time he’s going to wake up. I start thinking well he’s going to wake up soon so I may as well wait until he does lol. I’ve actually taken sertraline years ago for work related anxiety and it was really helpful. I know I need to get help, I think I’m just waiting for the 8 week GP appointment to let it all out. He’s 7 weeks today so it should be soon.

@Jenna You seem so much more positive each time you post!

Oh OP a couple of weeks ago I was you. I have a 5 week old. Wakes every 2 hours. I also have a 16 month old who doesn't nap in the day. I am beyond tired. One night in the first fortnight I told my husband I wanted to give him away. I felt as though he wasn't mine, like I was borrowing him and was going to give him back to his real family tomorrow. Thankfully these feelings have passed. I think it is mostly sleep deprivation, and for me I wasn't mentally ready for my second baby as I was so busy with my first. My midwife, health visitor and GP were very helpful but thankfully it wasn't PND , just stress and sleep trouble. I hope you feel better soon x

OP I have a 5.5 week old DS who has a similar pattern to you. Things I have found helpful are:

Colief in milk- I think this has helped with both silent reflux and colic as it seems his GIT is less ‘spasmy’ with all the gas/milk so less is forced up into the oesophagus.

Bjorn baby bouncer for daytime naps as he’s kept upright so less irritation to the oesopagus causes sensitisation.

As pp suggested- lifting cot up at head end- I’m using books under the feet.

No nighttime nappy changes unless poo.

Keeping baby wrapped snuggly in blanket for night feeds at all times and ending feed as soon as he feeds to sleep (smaller volumes doesn’t seem to affect how long he sleeps for).

White noise- we have an old iPhone with an app on that goes all night. Covers sounds of floor boards and duvet rustling.

They’re not recommended but we use a sleepyhead. I think it’s similarly frowned upon to the cocoonababy (HV and midwife said no to sleep positioners under all circumstances but sleepyhead could be used for supervised naps, we actually use it for nighttime sleep too, we are otherwise low risk for SIDs).

Split shifts like you tried last night- we do this every night or DH does the night so I can sleep.

Bedtime routine of bath or wash, music, lights and massage (tummy and feet seem to be DS’s favourites). DS doesn’t actually go to bed straight after this but spends the evening in the lounge with us. It’s just to get a routine in place at a time when we’d ideally like him to go to bed in the future. We did the same for our DD (now 3) who STTN 7-7 from 4 months and has been a brilliant sleeper since.

Things we haven’t tried yet but are on the list for the future if we need:

Swaddling
Sleeping bag
Sleepyhead on bed so baby feels close
Separate rooms if we are disturbing him

@BelulahBlanca I’d be really interested in seeing the plan you have if it’s possible to PM me? I’m keen to give anything a go! Thanks

I meant to say above that DH does the odd night (about weekly) but always the last (10-11pm feed)- he works long hours but if I’m dead on my feet with kids to look after he needs to suck up being a bit tired too

Just wanted to update. LO is now 5 months old and I couldn’t be happier with my life now. He is sleeping 20:00 through to 07:30, I am coping SO much better and actually enjoying time with him. I feel terrible looking back at how I felt, but I hope anyone in a similar position can see that there’s light at the end of the tunnel!

@JennaC17 great news!

Noise cancelling headphones take the sting out of the crying.

Can you book a few hours of a cleaner as a one off to break the back of the house so it’s less overwhelming?

Agreed - stop trying to do it all.

Have you tried baby wearing/sling?

It will get better.

@JennaC17 Amazing! What changed the sleep for you if you don't mind sharing? Did your son get there on his own or did you try particular techniques?