I'm a WellVine baby sleep consultant - ask me anything!

[KateMumsnet]

Hello everyone

We thought we'd try something new this week, as part of our mission to make parents lives easier. With our remarkable powers of observation , we've noticed that lots of new parents struggle with getting their baby to sleep at one time or another. Even those who 'got away with' an easy-peasy newborn can find themselves staring, eyes drooping, at a sleepless little one, whether it's at four months, or six, or twelve; just when you think you've got this sleep thing nailed, something comes along which takes you right back to square one, and exhaustion.

So we've invited the folks at WellVine over for a baby sleep AMA. The WellVine app gets you personalised sleep advice from your own baby sleep consultant, who gets to know your baby's needs and helps you work through a personal sleep plan, all over video call. Genius, really - no ‘cry it out’, just gentle and supportive sleep advice from an expert, when and where you need it.

WellVine's sleep consultants will be hopping on and off the thread around their other duties over the next few days, so leave your questions about your baby's sleep needs here on the thread and they'll come back to you with their advice. Personal sleep plans are a bit beyond the scope of an AMA, but they'll do their best with all your other questions, so ask them anything (sleep-related)!

If you think you'd benefit from some one-to-one sessions or want to find out more, have a look at WellVine. We'll get a very small commission if you sign up, which will help to keep the lights on at MNHQ - but there's absolutely no pressure and the AMA is open to anyone who has a desperate sleep question (usual webchat rules apply).

Hi, I have a 1 year old who is an awful sleeper. She has always been fed to sleep and will only go to sleep by being fed or walked in a pushchair.

We co-sleep and I'd love to get her into a cot but if she realises she being put into one (with her uncanny altitude sensor) then she screams the place down. If she wakes up, again, she needs to be fed back to sleep so it's always me resettling her. It's driving me crazy and I'm massively sleep deprived.

The two questions really are about how to break reliance on breastfeeding to sleep and how to get her to sleep in a cot. Any advice would be very gratefully received.

Hi! Please can you suggest why my 8mo has never slept through the night? And why will he sleep in my bed or in my lap but pings awake and cries if I put him in his own cot? Should I stop breastfeeding him when he wakes during the night and will it stop him waking up if there’s no food available?

Hi Mary Ann, I have a 15 month old boy, he wakes several times a night, and he cries. We have a bed time routine he sleeps in a gro bag and he can settle himself to go to sleep but wakes during the night, he has never really slept through, is there something we can do to try help him please
Thanks for any hints

First baby woke hourly for 18m and I’m keen to notvhave the second go the same route. We tried sleep consultation before but found always variations on the same advice which we’d either tried or found to be actively worsening the issue (any kind of transient leaving method like PUPD or gradual retreat or CC.)

What would you suggest as a way of getting a new baby into better patterns? We are already doing light days dark nights etc but baby was awake, literally, all night. I’m told it’s impossible for a newborn to be awake more than 90 mins... he’s 8 weeks old

My 4 month old baby sleeps through the night but her day time naps are all over the place. Does this actually matter, and should I just be happy she sleeps through at nighttime?

Hi Maryanne

My baby is 20 weeks old and EBF. He feeds at least every 2 hours day and night. The nights are horrific. He wakes sometimes every 60/90 minutes for a feed. I feel like I can't do this any longer.

We've tried giving him a bottle of expressed milk but he won't take it, screams. Tried the sleep ladder, worked for one week but now back to same old. Baby takes a dummy but not consistently.

I feel like I'm going insane through sleep deprivation. I can't take it anymore and just want to cry all the time.

My HV is sympathetic but hasn't any ideas about what we can do to fix it.

Any ideas?

Hi. Is there a minimum age you recommend for controlled crying? I have a 5 1/2 month old breast fed baby who slept for 10-11 hours up to the age of about 3 months. She now wakes every 3 hours at night and really struggles for daytime naps (only ever about 20 mins). I've got into the habit of feeding her when she wakes at night as it soon gets her back to sleep but I worry this is a bad habit and I really don't think she's hungry. We did controlled crying with her brother at 11 months and it worked a dream but is 5 1/2 months too young? Thanks

@ShinySloth

Hi Maryanne! My baby is 4.5 months and used to sleep really well in her own cot, waking once or twice a night for a feed.

Then the last two nights she has begun waking every 45mins to 1hr. She cries each time until picked up, then instantly stops when in our arms and falls back asleep. She fed once last night but the rest of the time just seems to want a cuddle. Patting her in her cot doesn't work, she wants to be on my chest.

Is there anything I can do? I didn't sleep last night until my husband took over at 5am.

Hi ShinySloth,

At around the 4 month mark, babies can have a sleep regression which causes more frequent wakings during the night. This is largely due to a growth spurt and a developmental jump at around this age. So while it may not help with the exhaustion, rest assured that it is not uncommon and you are not alone. In terms of dealing with it, try to increase milk intake during the day, feeding more frequently. Also, avoid her getting overtired during the day which can also be a contributing factor to these wake ups.

Also try to avoid setting a new association for sleep by cuddling her back to sleep each time she wakes. Start by holding her until she becomes drowsy but not fully asleep and put her down at that stage. If necessary, pat her or keep your hand on her in the cot. I hope this helps.
Maryanne

My 4 month old goes to sleep well at 7pm with a dummy and white noise. We usually sit with him for 5 mins to just calm him/pop dummy back in.
He is waking several times a night. He usually feeds 2-3 times but wakes more frequently and is increasingly difficult to settle after a feed. Last night he woke at 1am for a feed and it took me until 3am to get him back to sleep (he had been in my bed for an hour at this point). He has never managed a full night in his cot, always ends up not settling after a feed usually about 4am.

Any tips?

What training/qualifications do you/the other consultants typically have with regard to infant sleep? How do you keep up to date with current knowledge about infant sleep?

1. Any tips for slightly clueless first time parents on how to work out the right balance of daytime and nighttime sleep?

Reason for the question... We have an 8 month old, has never slept through. We seem to have our better nights on days when he has had poor naps, but then he is very grouchy through the day. How can we get to a better balance?! Do we need to limit day sleep in order to get good nights and will he then be able to cope better with less day sleep? Day sleep is 2-3 hours over 2 naps so doesn't feel excessive

2. Any tips on how to help a baby to sleep better without crying it out when they find your presence in the room very stimulating (whether constant or returning)?

What do you think of the ethics around the 'baby sleep industry'? There are so many books and products you can buy that promise better sleep - if anyone had anything that was genuinely foolproof they would be enormously rich and world famous. Is there not an element of exploiting vulnerable parents here?

Hi,
We would like our 10 month old to transition into his own cot. He won't take a dummy or bottle. He either breast feeds to sleep or will fall asleep on his own next to daddy when I'm at work.
Any tips on how best to do this? I don't mind him being in bed with us but would prefer him to start off in his own cot as I'm currently going to bed at about 7.30pm yo make sure he doesn't fall out of ours! I'm also fed up of the copious overnight breastfeeding.
We intend to move him in with his brother but don't know where to start! Thanks.

@saddnessinseptember

Hi MaryAnne, my almost 5 yr old (T) bed shares with me still but very soon one of the older brothers who currently shares will get his own room and we’d like to move him in with the younger of the 2 brothers. T is VERY attached to me & rarely goes to sleep without me next to him (but does sleep through the night). He started school this year so I’m concours he’s already had quite a big change in his life. Any advice as to how to manage the change...new bed, new room, no mummy in bed....???

Hi there,

There's a big positive here and that is that he sleeps through the night so hopefully that means that he is not getting overtired.

While starting school is big change, it is also a good time to address this, using this as part of the explanation to him - big school, big boy. I suggest you use a gradual technique rather than a sudden jump, so over a series of nights, you gradually move further and further from his bed. Spend the first 2-3 nights sitting next to his bed (on a 'sleepy cushion') and reassure him using quiet verbal reassurance and a hand on him if necessary. Explain to him beforehand that you will be sitting on the sleepy cushion until he goes to sleep. And do stay there until he goes to sleep. Then, move cushion half way across the room for the next few nights. Then to doorway of the room, and finally outside doorway of room.

It may be helpful to introduce an incentive scheme at the same time as doing this to make him feel that there is something in this for him too - sticker chart or marble placed in a jar next morning when he has settled well.

I hope this is helpful.
Maryanne

Hi, help how do I teach my 12 week DD to self settle??? She sleeps well in my arms/sling for a good hour or two for day naps and co-sleeps with me at night. I want to teach her to self settle in own cot. How many times do I go in and help settle etc.

Many thanks

@NoliteTeBastardesCarborundorum

Hi Mary Ann. I also have a 3 week old who refuses to be put down- day or night. We are happy to cuddle him on the day but need some sleep at night. He also wants to chomp on my nipples all evening and whenever I try to put him down at night- I'm not able to sooth without the boob but they're in agony. Any tips? Thanks.

Hi there,

Congratulations on the birth of your baby. The beginning weeks can be exhausting and draining, and your body is also still recovering from the birth so you have a lot to handle at this stage.

If he appears to be suckling a lot on the breast (differentiating between suckling for comforting and actually drinking), it may be worth trying him with a dummy to get you through this initial patch. Put some drops of breastmilk on a muslin and when you are cuddling him, have this wedged between you and him, so when you put him down, he goes down with this muslin. The smell of you together with the milk is his ultimate comfort at the moment, so having this on a muslin in the crib can help him feel more secure.

Also you may find that he is happy, some of the time, to be in his crib so once he is fed and drowsy, try putting him in to cot and keep your hand on him or pat him once he is lying down.

I hope this helps.

Maryanne

@WineCheeseSleep

Hi Maryanne, what age do you think we should put our toddler in her own bed? She is 2y4m and sleeps well once asleep (doesn't like going to sleep though, she has a fear of missing out!) and I'm worried about rocking the boat. We have to do it at some point though don't we!

Hi there,

So there is no right time to move a child from cot to bed. The main thing to consider is if you feel your child is emotionally ready for this change. There are obviously safety considerations if she starts jumping out of bed and has the freedom to roam around the house.

I am generally in favour of waiting as long as possible to make this move but if she has started talking about it, or she has started climbing out of the cot, then this is probably approaching the time you will need to do it.

If you are doing it, try to incorporate some time in her day for her to play on her new bed in her room to give her some time to acclimatise to the new arrangement.

But ultimately, don't feel in a rush to do it unless you feel she is totally ready (and you are too!).

Good luck!
Maryanne

Hi Maryanne

My 5 month old doesn't nap for longer than 30 minutes.

He sleeps through the night between 9-11 hours which was the same with my first but i can't get him to have even one longer nap during the day.

He doesn't self settle, I feed him to sleep then give him a dummy to keep him going.

Any advice appreciated!
Thank you

Hi Maryanne,

My 14 month old daughter slept well for the first three months of her life (though was never a great napper in the day). Once she hit four months, we experienced the big sleep regression and it's never got better.

She will have two short naps in the day (30 mins or so). In the evening I feed her to sleep and put her in her cot at 7pm (she is obviously tired). I regularly have to go to her two or three times before I go to bed at 10pm(!). She then will wake again, at which point I bring her into our bed as otherwise I would be up and down all night. Until a few weeks ago she was then off and on the boob all night. Two weeks ago I gently night weaned her, so that she now has no breast milk between 11-6am. This went okay, and she is sleeping in slightly longer chunks but still waking frequently, and particularly around 4am when she will take over an hour to go back to sleep.

I'm really exhausted - please can you offer advice!
Thanks v much.

Hi.

Good timing this, for us!

What a difference a weekend can make.

We started sleep training on Friday. We took advice from someone who came recommended. Essentially, controlled crying; putting him down awake after a nighttime routine and then going in every five minutes. First night was OK. He settled himself after 25 minutes or so of moderate crying. Second night was better; he was asleep after about 9 minutes and woke up once to self-settle and got back to sleep until 6am ish. We thought we cracked it.

Then his mood plummeted the day after. He was miserable. We guessed teething, but he started getting apprehensive when going into his room, in the day, even for nappy changes. His last nap of the day was a battle, he screamed to sleep but eventually went off.

At bedtime, it was fine. Asleep straight away. I thought, "great, here comes the third night sleeping through" that everyone talks about.

At 23:45 though, he woke and got more and more upset. This lasted for two hours and we cracked. Couldn't take it. He was inconsolable, there were no gaps in his crying. We gave him granules. We gave him nurofen. Nothing worked. Going in seemed to traumatise him more. We wanted to feed him, simply to sooth him. I know this was wrong in our advice, but he is such a happy baby. Seeing him upset was the worse thing we've experienced as parents. I also had been reading these forums about how dreadful it is and traumatising for the children, so I wanted to abandon the plan fully. We fed him and he slept until the morning.

Today has been even worse. Loud crying everytime we try and even entertain the idea of a nap. The old techniques aren't even working! Not even rocking to sleep. We've had to let him fall to sleep on the breast twice. Otherwise, he wouldn't have napped.

It's really affected all of us. All three of us are upset and feel nervous.

But now what on earth do we do? Try again? Come up with a compromise? We feel like we've broken him. It's horrible.

My partner is back at work next month and can't keep feeding him in the night, hence our decision.

Hi Maryanne,

My 2.7 year old has been coming through to our room between 5 and 5.30am more or less consistently since he went in his own bed around 5 months ago. I could almost accept this apart from that he is very tired and grumpy by about 10am. We’ve tried earlier bed times, later bed times, earlier naps, later naps, shorter naps but nothing seems to help. I should mention that his little brother was born 2 months ago but that the early waking predates this. Thank you.

Hi Maryanne

My breastfed 5 month old cannot sleep at night without being latched on to me, even if she's not actively feeding or just suckling for comfort she wakes within 5 minutes of being unlatched. I am getting barely any sleep and she just screams if my husband tries to settle her or if I try rocking/shushing/patting. She sleeps in a sling or buggy during the day and will wake as soon as she stops moving. I have to go back to work next month as DH is facing redundancy so we really need to get her night weaned but i don't even know where to start. Any ideas?

Hi,

Why do you advocate not having sleep associations. For example breast or cuddles? I take a very laid back approach to parenting and approach it in a 'what do my instincts tell me' way. My instincts tell me to comfort my baby. Am I really creating a coddled monster who will need to be breastfed to sleep at 15?

Hi, I have a breastfed 6mth old that would frequently sleep through the night or wake up once only for a feed then straight back down until morning. This enjoyable pattern has ceased and over the past few weeks he wakes up 3 - 4 times a night (occasionally he doesn’t settle back to sleep even after feed). The worst is he refuses now to sleep during the day..just 10min light snoozes in the puschair. Would introducing solids to his diet help this sleep pattern or is there more to it?