Feel like I’ve failed as a mum

[HidingUnderTheSofa]

First time mum to a four month old baby, exclusively breastfed. Night time sleep was gradually getting better week by week until 11 weeks when he did a five hour stretch at the beginning of the night.

It was like a switch was flicked- he went from two wake ups/feeds on a good night to anything from four to eight. Longest stretch of the night is generally two to three hours and wake ups are anything from one to two hours for the rest of the night. Night feeds are generally ten to twenty minutes long.

Naps are also a disaster. He wakes up between 25 and 45 minutes after falling asleep. Will generally fall asleep without too much fuss in the pram but naps in the crib involve much more settling.

After six weeks of very broken sleep (and four months in total of poor sleep) I am exhausted and I feel like an utter failure as a parent. I am crying a lot out of both exhaustion and feelings of worthlessness because I feel I am failing so badly. I am surrounded by mum friends whose babies are sleeping much better than my son. I

I am feeling especially awful because my in laws are staying at the moment and of course all of their other grandchildren are/were champion sleepers as babies.

I have read so many sleep books and have tried to extend daytime naps with the hope of improving night time sleep- I can’t get him to settle back to sleep after the 45 minute wake up however hard I try but he’s clearly still tired when he wakes up.

I’ve had a bedtime routine since he was six weeks old and put him down to sleep when he’s sleepy but still awake...but it makes no difference. Last night he still woke up after two hours and four or five times after that.

I’m finding it increasingly hard to settle him down to sleep for naps or at night which is really upsetting too.

I am so, so sad. I feel like I’m failing my son.

@HidingUnderTheSofa I think you hit the nail on the head with the idea that they’re taking in their calories at night when there’s less going on. DD is so easily distracted now I don’t feel comfortable bf outside anymore in case of accidental flashing when she pulls off to look at something. One good thing to say is when I do manage to get solids in (purée at the moment....or toast) she doesn’t seem any worse.

She’s grown out of the bedside crib, not that she was in it much, so we now have a cot. Yesterday was the worst day I can remember but I think she’s teething. We both cried a lot. She was comfort sucking nearly all day, barely slept. She had teething granules, gel, and Ibuprofen at bed time. I also tried a PPs suggestion and put on thunderstorm white noise full volume on the iPad. After a quick feed to sleep (I waited till she was really past it) she slept in the cot for two hours which was amazing. The iPad died and she woke up within ten minutes so spent the rest of the night co-sleeping but slept for five hours straight for the first time ever! I put the white noise back on my phone when I brought her into bed so not sure if it was that, the ibuprofen or sheer exhaustion.

I darent be too positive because every time there’s a better night the next one is awful. I was ready to throw in the towel with bf yesterday but like you, I wanted to get to 6 months and that’s only two weeks away. It’s also so useful for comforting her when teething and with how she frantically sucks at my shoulder when I pick her up and she’s distressed I know I won’t be stopping yet even if I want to. I’ve had pressure re formula too, although not from DH, but it’s your choice, whatever works for you and your baby is best, whether that be bf, mixed or formula. In a few weeks he’ll be (chucking mush on the floor) eating solids instead

Horrible night last night. No stretches of sleep longer than 45 minutes after 1.30am. I don’t understand how things can be getting even worse.
I’ve cried a lot this morning. DS is mostly grumpy. Took over an hour to get him to have a nap this morning. I tried the ‘pick up put down’ method as I’m desperate for DS to start napping in the cot again at least once a day. He cried and cried and cried...it felt horrible.
I don’t know what’s right. Do I carry on going out in the pram for every single nap even though I’m so so exhausted? Or do I persist with naps at home in the cot in the hope that he will get used to it soon and will cry less when I put him down.

I can’t think straight anymore. I’m so tired.

This brings back awful memories

Posted too soon, that wasn’t very helpful!
If there any way you can push him in the pram round the block then once he’s decently asleep bring the pram into the house so you can lie down yourself? DS used to get parked in the garage as it was winter and I could leave him in all his outdoor gear and just open the internal door to the house where I could hear him. At nearly 2 has still never napped in his cot in the house! Did it fine at nursery though and now sleeps on a floor mat there!
You will get through it. Hang on in there.

@IsItBiggerThanTheBoxItsIn I’m so sorry that you had such a tough day. That sounds awful, well done for getting through it.

Woo hoo on the five hour stretch though, that is AMAZING!!!!!! Do you feel wonderful for having had that chunk of sleep? I understand you feeling cautious about how tonight will go but I have my fingers crossed for a similarly good stretch for you tonight! Thanks for support and solidarity

@thingybobwotsit sorry to hear about your rough night. You made me smile with your husband’s comment. I wish my husband told me I’m a good mum more often as I doubt myself every single day. Not feeling very supported by him at the moment so I’m feeling pretty sorry for myself on top of the exhaustion. What you said about having little luxuries for yourself struck a chord. Something I find very hard about motherhood is that all my wants and needs are expected to be sacrificed in favour of the baby’s in a way that is not expected of fathers AT ALL. And if you complain about it or find it hard there are plenty of people who will be ‘what did you expect, why did you have kids fhen’...but it seems to be mums alone who are expected to shoulder all of this. I don’t feel like I have anything in my life that is just for me anymore. I’d love to just have a hot bath or something but it never seems to happen on the weekends. When my husband is watching DS I am catching up on the backload of washing and a million other jobs that need to be done to keep the house vaguely running ok.

I may Follow your lead and treat myself to some nice shower gel. It’s a start . PS you sound very ‘sorted’ and accepting of things as they are. I would like to be more like that.

I will try the old pram jiggling trick. I haven’t tried that in a while. I guess I want a break from going out with it full stop if I’m honest. Want to try to close my eyes, just for 20 minutes.

Coming back to reply to others a bit later, thanks for the lovely, thoughtful posts.

@HidingUnderTheSofa I'm not at all sorted - yesterday I cried in front of baby after spending 45 mins trying and failing to get him to sleep. He laughed at me - which at least cheered me up a little. But as I think a previous poster said, I think I've adjusted to it and trying to carve some time out for myself has been a big help in that.

I know what you mean about wanting to not have to push the pram at all. I'm lucky in that my ds will sleep in his cot now most of the time. We started by holding him for a good 15/20 mins after he'd gone to sleep on me (fed to sleep - we have all the bad habits here) before transferring him, and once he went in leaving my hands on his back for a few moments or even gently rocking him on the mattress for a few moments. He also has a comforter that goes in with him. But you may have tried those things.

I know you mentioned your husband worked long hours - could he help you more around the house so you're not trying to catch up on those jobs too? He needs to contribute - after all, it's his baby and house too!

I don't have many words if wisdom to add as i have/had 2 dreadful non-sleepers but what really made a massive difference with DD1 was getting some professional help so i just came on to recommend Ann Caird at www.nurturingsleep.co.uk

Expensive but for me worth every penny. She was a huge emotional support for me as well as having loads of practical advice. And she helped us go from DD's 10+ wakes a night at 18months old and only being able to feed to sleep to 2 or 3 wakings and being night weaned so i was like a new woman after that!!

@HidingUnderTheSofa it was the ibuprofen. First wake up after 30 minutes then every 10-60 minutes after that. Ended up co-sleeping at midnight again. I just really don't know what to do. You're right so much less is expected of men. Mums are expected to give everything and get on with it. At my return to work meeting my manager said "we were much stricter with bf in my day" ....thanks, so it's my fault DD doesn't sleep for feeding her when she's hungry.

I'm so sorry DH isn't supportive I can't imagine how tough that makes things. Can you ask him to do some washing etc at the weekend so you can sleep or at least have a bath? It's his home too and I don't think working long hours excuses housework. When I go back to work this month I still expect to do some of the housework and give DH a break from DD on my days off. Our dynamic is slightly different because of his disability in that I tend to do manually harder tasks but he does paperwork and as much other stuff as he can. Lowering my standards has helped too. My house is not how it used to be. I just hope it gets better soon.

Sorry things are still tough hiding. Totally agree with you re: sacrificing our needs etc, and (controversial I know) I think BF can play a part in that. I struggled with expressing etc, and it really was only me that could settle DD on the boob. Even when DH would take her downstairs as soon as I’d fed her, I couldn’t rest properly as my ears would be on standby for her cry, and I’d know she’d need BF again very soon.

isitbigger such an odd thing for your boss to say - how can you be ‘stricter’ with BF? If the baby needs feeding it needs feeding!

Really not trying to push you to formula, but once I did, I started to get my life back, and was so much happier around DD. It feels alien as a mother to say I chose to FF because it was easier, and I was tired - but months on I feel like I can say it now! I think it is all part of that expectation for mothers to sacrifice everything, as you mentioned.

@Cottipus sorry I’m a couple of days late catching up. I really admire your dedication in spending time resettling rather than automatically feeding at all wakes. How have the last couple of nights been?

@sinkgirl when did your DC end up sleeping through? I know that DS will sleep longer eventually...I’m not even yearning for ‘sleeping through’ right now to be honest but I am struggling to cope on wake ups every 40 mins to two hours max through the night, bar the first stretch which is 2-3 hours or 4 hours much more rarely.

It’s just not physically hard, and I am lying on the sofa feeling an absolute shell of myself...my diet is absolutely crap and my skin’s going crap aside from the dark, dark circles under my eyes, I have a headache and the thought of having to take the pram out again and the effort involved in pushing it around trying to get DS asleep...well I digress. It’s not just the physical side of sleep deprivation I’m struggling with, it’s the psychological toll of not seeing any kind of gradual improvement. If I was starting to see a slight improvement, perhaps regularly getting x2 3 hours stretches in the night or something like that, then I think I could cope a lot better. But I’ve had more than two months of shit, shit sleep that isn’t improving and I don’t know how long I have to wait for things to naturally improve. A month? Bearable. Two? Ok I can grit my teeth. But three, four, five, six or more months? Where does it end.

@TwinkleMerrick I’m really sorry that you feel sad that breastfeeding didn’t work out I hope I didn’t upset you with my comments about wanting to continue breastfeeding. It’s something I have clung to as a positive because lots of other things haven’t gone well but I don’t think you should feel even a second of guilt for giving your DC formula. Breastfeeding works out for some people but not for everyone, especially when there’s such a lack of support available. And of course not everyone wants to do it in the first place. Thanks for your tips, they are really good ones. DS generally settles ok in his cot at the beginning of the night but it’s the frequent wake ups I’m really struggling with. And 99% of the time if I attempt to comfort him back to sleep without breastfeeding he gets hysterical so I end up feeding anyway.

@DrWhy good suggestion but he generally pings awake as soon as I bring the pram into the house (no garage we could wheel it in to). The very rare occasions I’ve managed it he wakes up after not very long anyway so I couldn’t sleep we are stuck on 20-40 minute naps so there is very sadly no opportunity to rest during the day.

Hi ! I've been following this thread for awhile now and I had to join just to reply. I have a 7 month old who sleeps terribly. Basically the same as your LO with the frequent wakings throughout the night. It's a fight for every nap, people probably think I'm harming her when all I'm trying to do is put her to sleep !

She also does not nap longer than 45 minutes, and that is a long stretch for her. Yesterday she refused to nap longer than 10 minutes. She is usually cranky within an hour of waking because she is exhausted and overtired but I have no idea how to reverse the overtiredness if she just refuses to sleep ! No amount of resettling/rocking/nursing will help her fall back to sleep.

I understand the feeling of being a shell of your former self. Some days I don't even get dressed because I'm so tired, sometimes a shower sounds exhausting when all I want to do is lie in bed.

My DH is also not horribly supportive, this morning I said she had woken 8 times last night and he said "well, that's better than every hour." PFFT.

Oh OP I could have written your post when my son was that age. I knew when I had a baby I’d be tired, but Christ I had no idea of the reality of having a baby that didn’t sleep.

DS was a Velcro baby. No one but me would do in the early days. Wouldn’t go in his pram at all, wouldn’t go in a car seat, wouldn’t sit in a bouncer or on a play mat for even 5 mins. Wouldn’t be put down during the day. He lived in his sling for the first 15 weeks. Would only really nap in that or on me and lengths were hit and miss after 6 weeks when it all went to shit. Nights were awful. 8-10 wake ups were fairly standard. Would only settle with the boob, anything else would result in screaming. I used to sometimes have to sleep propped up with him. I tried everything. He’s never taken a bottle so I could never get any help.

I was on my knees with exhaustion. I literally thought it could kill me. I cried most days. Felt a shell of myself. I’m ashamed to say I used to say I hated my son and wished he’d go away, then I felt even worse like I was the worst mother in the world. Everything revolved around my lack of sleep. God forbid someone mentioned they were tired in front of me. I never thought it would get better ever. But, I promise you it did.

I’m not going to lie it was shit untill about 7 months when DS randomly slept 10 hours. I woke up with rock hard boobs at 5am and in that moment I panicked sommthing terrible had happened as he had been up 7 times the night before. It came out of no where. I didn’t do anything different or any sleep training or anything. From then, it was much much much better. There were still tough weeks but I could see the light. DS started sleeping through at 11 months and has been a dream since. Looking back though I really struggle to see how I got through it.

I just wanted to give hope that things can change very quickly and although it doesn’t feel like it, there will be better times. You are doing a fantastic job. You are a fantastic mummy and are doing the best for your baby in exhausting circumstances. I’ve also learned that although it’s so bloody hard this is unfortunately normal behaviour for babies and other people are just lucky. You will get through it, you will survive. You are definitely not failing your son.

Hope you are ok today. Yes really really true that suddenly they'll just do something to surprise you. I remember the first time dd1 slept 5 hours, I woke up, saw the time, assumed she must have died but thought "well there's nothing I can do now if she has" and went back to sleep. Possibly my worst moment as a parent, but I knew she was a strong healthy 9 mo old so I guess deep down I knew she was ok ing she was fine and happier than usual when she woke!

I remember hating every minute of being a mum when she wasn't sleeping. I just allowed my self as many treats as I liked, cut back on all housework and made sure I got outside every day. If sleep deprivation could kill you I reckon quite a lot of us on this thread wouldn't be here now. You WILL be ok again you WILL sleep. Your baby is still quite little, he'll get there.

Dd2 is waking after 25 to 60 min when I put her down in the evening but we cosleep from 12 so I am surviving.

Go with it. Some children just find sleep more difficult . I felt like you with my daughter until I had my son who just got it

@thingybobwotsit oh love, I too often cry when I can’t get DS to nap. It makes me SO sad. Have totally messed up naps today. First one I decided to feed him before putting him down for a nap, he fell asleep on me and I thought ok that’s fine, sleep is sleep...but then of course he woke up after not very long and then was too awake to put down for a nap. Second nap I figured I’d feed to sleep in his nursery where it’s dark and then put him in his cot, but then the front door went and again BAM wide awake again. Sigh. I am trying to get my husband to do more at home...it’s a work in progress right now...

@pinkcarpet thanks for the recommendation. I’ve read nothing but good things about Ann, although only from people who have used her for older babies/toddlers. I have a slight fear that she would judge me for trying to ‘fix’ my baby’s sleep at a young age (coming up to five months now). I’m not asking for sleeping through the night, I just want some slightly longer chunks of sleep and for him to get some day time naps. I think I’d find it really hard if a sleep consultant told me I was being unreasonable/unrealistic because I guess it plays back into those fears that I’m not cut out for motherhood. Did you find it ok just having phone/email support rather than face to face? Did it take long for you to see improvements? for coping with 10 wake ups a night, you must be superwoman or something!!

@IsItBiggerThanTheBoxItsIn oh so sorry to hear that you had such a rough night. That sounds horrific. I cannot believe your manager said that well I can, sadly, but I am outraged on your behalf. My husband doesn’t understand why I feel judged as a mum for DS not sleeping well, I’ve tried to explain that people judge them mum for these things and not so much the dad but he thinks I’m just bonkers/oversensitive. But I feel it. When I try to make a joke about DS not sleeping well you feel people’s eyes on you, and they make judgements on you as a mum. Like you’re too lazy to get your child into a routine and if you just made more of an effort then they would.

I had exactly this with DC1. It's awful, exhausting and unrelenting. You're definitely not failing your son. I never figured out why DD regressed so badly so suddenly, and unfortunately it lasted a while. But at 9 months old she started completely going through again, and as a toddler is a BRILLIANT sleeper. Lie-ins and everything! I cannot understand how a baby who kept me awake for about 6 months sleeps so soundly now! 🤷‍♀️

Try not to get too down (though it's so hard). I've no advice to overcome it as I never did work out the cause - there's probably no real rhyme or reason! Grin and bear it as sleep really can change overnight, literally!

@Hiding we used Ann for 6 weeks and during that time we had a weekly skype chat so it felt like face to face even though we were miles away in reality! Ann was really practical and asked us right at the start what our expectations were. Even though we had a toddler i remember discussing what was realistic and that we were aiming for 1 or 2 wakings not sleeping through. It's not about "fixing" your baby, they are not broken. Its about getting some objective help from someone who has seen hundreds of other non-sleepers and can share that experience

@hidingunderthesofa I think things are getting a little better with the stretched feeding- I’ve had some 3 hr stretches of sleep myself!

Generally the night wakings when I resettle her just involve grumbling and a little bit of crying. If it really escalates I give in and feed her.

I’ve started putting her in the cot for all naps when we’re at home now- otherwise she doesn’t nap properly and then gets overtired. But not tired enough to sleep so has enough energy to be grumpy and complain about it.

She does shout at me when I put her down, even when I’m next to her and comforting/cuddling/reassuring her. I feel like I can’t win as she’s going to cry anyway though! The sleep associations don’t really work for us anymore. But DD is a fair bit older than your DS and at his age I wouldn’t have dared settle her in the cot. At 5 months I could only feed her to sleep and then gradually transition her to the sofa to nap. But that’s no longer suitable as she’s active and needs dark and quiet now, and generally naps well after the initial yelling.

It’s hard bloody work this parenting malarkey and you’re doing a great job. It’s so tough for mums especially when EBF, which creates a huge inequality between us and OHs.

What really helped me is having the occasional night out- nothing elaborate, just a couple of hours out of the house and a couple of drinks with a friend. I know it’s tough when you just want to sleep but that time for me without being on edge waiting for the wake ups has done me the world of good, even if it’s only once a month. Could you do something similar?

@Sipperskipper it might feel alien as a mother to say that you moved to formula because it was easier but it really shouldn’t do should it? Goes back to what I was saying about mothers often being expected to not just put their own needs bottom of the pile but to bury them altogether. I know exactly what you mean though about never really being able to relax when you are breastfeeding because the pressure is all on you, and you alone, to feed the baby (and that often goes hand in hand with settling the baby, or so I find). My husband isn’t going to start doing the night feeds if I were to move to formula though so I don’t even see that much benefit for me to switch over to it. (One thing I’ve always been curious about with formula feeding is how do night feeds work? Isn’t the baby pretty hysterical by the time you’ve made the bottle up and taken it to the baby?? Or is it just my DS that ramps up in volume if you don’t get to him pretty damn quickly!)

@mileyk90 I’m so sorry that you find yourself struggling with similar issues, and for an extra two months compared to me, you poor thing. That must be so hard and at the idea that anyone would think eight wake ups could in any way be cause for celebration. Do you have anyone, friends or family, who is offering you support? Please do keep posting here for support and solidarity if you would find that helpful.

@FortheloveofJames thank you, your post gives me a lot of hope. Amazing that things could change so dramatically so quickly for you. I live in hope of something similar happening to me because my baby’s sleep hasn’t improved at all in more than 2 months now and I find the lack of any progress SO hard as it feels like it will never get better on its own. So much of what you said resonates because I often feel so so resentful of my situation. Everything revolves around sleep and I just know I would be a much much better mum if I had a bit more sleep.

@RangerLady Totally rational reaction when you’re so sleep deprived to have gone back to sleep and figure that you’ll deal with whatever awful thing that might have happened when you’re awake! I feel so guilty for being too tired to enjoy being a mum properly. My baby was (and is) so SO wanted. I adore him. Whatever I do in life, he will always be my greatest achievement in life...I know that sounds cheesy but I love him with a ferocity that I can’t quite believe. But I don’t enjoy motherhood very much because I just have nothing left for just me. I do need to work on changing that, because I don’t think it’s healthy and so many of you have wisely said that carving time out for yourself was really beneficial.

I am giving myself treats but solely in the form of food and largely sugar to the point of not taking care of myself diet wise which I’m sure isn’t helping my physical wellbeing. So I need to sort that out a bit.

I’m really sorry to hear just you are back in sleep deprivation central with DD2. I really really admire the stoic, ‘let’s just get on with it’ approach that you and other second time around mums have.

@gandalf456 thank you, I’ve been so surprised that so many parents have one good sleeper and the one or more terrible sleeper. Must keep telling myself that it really is luck of the draw.

@shirleyschmidt NINE months?! Eek. Did you start seeing improvements gradually or very suddenly? I don’t need sleeping through any time soon....just two 3 hour chunks a night would feel amazing right now. Talk about low standards

@pinkcarpet oh no I’ve most decided that my DS is broken really pleased to hear that it was so effective for you doing it by Skype. I am a bit worried that she would think that my expectations were unrealistic ( I would really really really like to somehow get to two night wakings) and I think it would really knock me if I were to be told that that’s completely unrealistic for months to come.

Weirdly, I take some comfort from the idea that I am doing something to get his sleep wrong because I guess that way it’s sort of in my control. If I just do x, y and z differently he will sleep. It’s the complete lack of control over this that I find terrifying.

@Cottipus thrilled for you getting the three hour chunks, yay! Long may it continue and increase. And great that you are able to do naps in the cot. I can sometimes get DS yo nap in hiscit but he always does his shortest naps in there, 30 mins max, whereas at least in the pram I can sometimes squeeze 40 mins out of him although even that’s becoming more and more rare.

Just feel too exhausted for a night out right now but so pleased to hear that it’s bedn beneficial for you. I can totally see why it would but right now I’d just be counting the minutes of potential sleep that I was ‘wasting’.

Had a really rubbish sleep last night, so hoping for better tonight. I really need it.

Wishing you good luck for tonight Hiding

If I've had an especially crappy night previously i quite often go to bed around 9pm to catch up (currently sitting in the dark next to 3month old DD2 hoping she stays asleep for long enough to go brush my teeth and get my jammies on!!!). I figure I'll get 2 or 3 hrs now then I'm not quite so whacked come 3am.

Hi OP, I really feel for you, night after night of no sleep is really soul destroying. The lovely people on here have already suggested the things that helped us. Namely sleeping bag to make sure baby is at correct temperature although tog ratings not always simple, Sleepyhead to prevent startle reflex. The only other thing I didn't read but I am sure you have already tried is keeping baby upright for 30 mins after a feed (in case of mild reflux). I found if I lay DS down any time before that we got crying, screaming, with or without obvious reflux either immediately or within the hour. Unfortunately it did add to the time I was awake to begin with, but DS slept better which was the main thing.
Anyway I am sure you are already doing all you can and don't need people telling you things you know already! But I would definitely consider a consultation with a sleep specialist - someone with real training not just someone lucky enough to have a sleeping child.
Good luck and hang in there! We all have different challenges to overcome in life and you are doing brilliantly.
(Oh and I only tried one bottle of formula for my otherwise EBF baby and it made no difference to his sleep that night..but it would allow someone else to be up all night instead at least)

Forgot to say: DS started to suck his thumb of his own accord at around 13wo and all of a sudden night wakings reduced. Possibly just coincidence? Not sure if it should be encouraged over the use of a dummy?? I am sure thumb sucking might create problems in a few years time but expensive orthodontics seems a fair trade for some sleep!! We are only at 15wo now though so the sleep regression is probably just about to hit us. Watch this space!
Oh and if you have fed and kept your baby alive for another day that is another success 😁 big hugs