Feel like I’ve failed as a mum

[HidingUnderTheSofa]

First time mum to a four month old baby, exclusively breastfed. Night time sleep was gradually getting better week by week until 11 weeks when he did a five hour stretch at the beginning of the night.

It was like a switch was flicked- he went from two wake ups/feeds on a good night to anything from four to eight. Longest stretch of the night is generally two to three hours and wake ups are anything from one to two hours for the rest of the night. Night feeds are generally ten to twenty minutes long.

Naps are also a disaster. He wakes up between 25 and 45 minutes after falling asleep. Will generally fall asleep without too much fuss in the pram but naps in the crib involve much more settling.

After six weeks of very broken sleep (and four months in total of poor sleep) I am exhausted and I feel like an utter failure as a parent. I am crying a lot out of both exhaustion and feelings of worthlessness because I feel I am failing so badly. I am surrounded by mum friends whose babies are sleeping much better than my son. I

I am feeling especially awful because my in laws are staying at the moment and of course all of their other grandchildren are/were champion sleepers as babies.

I have read so many sleep books and have tried to extend daytime naps with the hope of improving night time sleep- I can’t get him to settle back to sleep after the 45 minute wake up however hard I try but he’s clearly still tired when he wakes up.

I’ve had a bedtime routine since he was six weeks old and put him down to sleep when he’s sleepy but still awake...but it makes no difference. Last night he still woke up after two hours and four or five times after that.

I’m finding it increasingly hard to settle him down to sleep for naps or at night which is really upsetting too.

I am so, so sad. I feel like I’m failing my son.

@HidingUnderTheSofa your GP should listen to you firstly, he/she should then be able to at least point you in the direction of support, probably the health visitor to be honest. Do you think there is something medically wrong with little one? If so tell GP that you want a referral to paediatrician.

I remember you saying you had no support nearby, could you send little one to a nursery or child minder for a few hours so you can recharge? Obviously financially that will be quite expensive but could be just short term whilst you catch up with some rest.

I remember these dark days so clearly and sadly I think it will always effect my relationship with my youngest.

I hope your GP is supportive.

I went to my GP in similar circumstances and it was absolutely the best thing I ever did. I was convinced that when she started sleeping better I would feel better so there was no point going, but by admitting I needed help and getting support I felt so much better regardless of whether she slept or not.

I phoned up my GP surgery and asked for an appointment with someone who specialised in mental health. I think the receptionist recognised I was nearly in tears on the phone, and got me the first appointment she could with a very lovely lady GP. I had a mixture of medication and talking therapy (although I was lucky enough to be able to access that through work so didn't have to wait ages).

Making that first visit was so scary and so hard but the GP couldn't have been lovelier or kinder. Within 4 weeks I was feeling a bit better and within 2 months I was so so much better. She still wasn't sleeping but I just felt resilient enough to deal with it.

Even if you are not sure whether a GP can help or not there is no harm in going for a chat. They won't judge you, and they absolutely won't mark you down as a bad mum.

I was a broken woman, I felt like I was never going to enjoy being a mum. 1 year on I am a different person - nearly off the meds, really enjoy my days off with her and juggling part time work without stressing too much. She does now (finally) mostly sleep, but I feel now like I can cope when she does have bad phases sleepwise.

Forgot to add, your medical record would not 'be marked' at all, I was concerned about this when I went to the GP, I convinced myself they would take baby away as I clearly wasn't fit to be a mother if I couldn't cope. The GP said if that's the case there would be more babies in care than with their parents.

Please do it.

Thank you so much for these quick replies. They have made me feel calmer already I will see how brave I’m feeling tomorrow morning. I would quite like to speak to a therapist but don’t have anyone who can take DS so I can’t see how I’d be able to actually have an appointment.

So glad to hear you are feeling a little better. Could you use a childminder just for a couple of hours while you visit therapist?
I know exactly how you feel having no-one around to help out. It makes things like this so hard. Please try to make the time for yourself, it's so important xx

I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving DS with someone I don’t know at the moment. I’d worry too much at the moment. I will perhaps look into some sort of email counselling, if such a thing exists!

Aw, I understand Hun. Just make sure you try and talk to someone as it will help. Email or phone call perhaps? Keep us updated with how you get on. You are an amazing mum, like all of us here, we wouldn't even have this thread if we didn't care about our kids and want so much to do the right thing by them xx

If you do 'need' somebody to talk to and at this point don't feel you can do it face to face the samaritans have an email helpline (it isn't just for suicidal thoughts). [email protected] (jo is just a name not an actual person)

A friend used this at a time she was paranoid that the GP would tell her employer and she would lose her job. She said it felt amazing to tell someone everything and not feel judged.

Hope today is a better day.

I’m sorry that things are still tough for you Hiding- I thought about you a few times since I last posted and hoped that things might have improved.

There is some good advice from the other posters re seeking help, I hope that you get the support you need and keep coming on here if you feel able to.

Sorry things are so tough for you. Absolutely put your DS somewhere safe for 10 minutes while you calm yourself. As others have said, this is not your fault. Some babies just don't sleep easily. I think considering you have virtually no support some gentle sleep training would be a good thing to try on an evening or over the weekend when your husband is around. A GP referral for some counselling might be helpful. Surely your husband gets annual leave? Can he not take a day off? Exploring local nurseries might also be a good idea to give you a few hours break. Is your mum still poorly? If not I wonder if staying with her for a week or so to get some support is a good idea.

Believe me this will all pass and you will be dealing with toddler tantrums and potty training. Parenting is hit or miss and none of us know if we are getting it right. Your DS is loved, fed and warm so you are doing brilliantly. It is not your fault he won't sleep. At some point you may find out why he is constantly waking but often it is a phase you need to go through until he is developmentally ready. Some gentle sleep trying though will not hurt him. I did it with my 2 DDs who are now adults (most people did in the 80s) and my DD has done it with her 2 DDs, one at 7 months after a hellish 4 months and more recently at 5.5 months with DGD2. Both very happy baby /toddler. Sleep deprivation isn't helping you and your DS also needs to learn how to sleep. You can do it without leaving him to cry alone.

I’ve sort of cheated and booked a GP appointment for DS rather than myself. He’s so irritable a lot of the time now that I want the GP to just check him over. He has little cuts in his ears where he’s scratched at them (despite me trimming his nails what feels like a million times a week). I don’t know if that’s just something he does when tired but I want to have his ears checked to be on the safe side.

I also wonder if he’s teething badly. I’ve been giving him calpol but I obviously can’t do that indefinitely. My brain’s so woolly that I just want the doctor to take a look at him to reassure me.

I am new to my GP practice so if the doctor seems nice then I may work up the courage to make an appointment for myself. Still convinced that if I ask for help that there will be a big fat red ‘unfit mother’ stamp put on my medical records. Even if I make an appointment I can’t reeeally admit how I feel can I...that I feel like all of the colour has drained out of my life, that I can’t imagine feeling happy again, that sometimes when I’m walking DS in the pram and he just won’t fall asleep and is crying and I feel like everyone who passes me is judging me and I just want to let go of the pram and walk off alone. I would never ever admit that to someone in real life. I’m really struggling to enjoy any part of parenting. I just think ‘why won’t you sleep’. He’s very hard work during the day and it all feels relentless. When I say hard work, it’s like his brain is whirring at 100 miles an hour and he wants my attention all the time or else he becomes very upset. And wants lots of attention but at the same time doesn’t like busy environments. I am not explaining this very well but it sometimes feels like he’s much more like an older baby in terms of his curiosity but he doesn’t have the corresponding strength/mobility.

Hate the evenings. It’s like waiting for a bomb to go off (waiting for him to wake up). I don’t understand why he is waking SO frequently. I read the sleep boards all the time and there are people with eleven week old babies who sleep for longer stretches than mine.

The most I can do is cry my eyes out like now (while he has a nap that will be anything from 20 minutes to 30 if lucky) and just retreat into myself. Because I can’t really keep a brave face on very well if I’m actually in front of people. My husband messaged me earlier to ask if I was ok and I just brushed the question off because I am so very not ok. But he can’t make things better so there’s no point in telling him just so he can worry about me. He is in a very demanding, relentless career and can’t take time off at the moment. Working very long hours so I haven’t seen him yet this week.

My husband says “it’ll get better” but he’s been trotting out that phrase for months now. And it hasn’t.

We’ve started sleep training and saw some improvement but then teething hit badly and it’s all gone to pot. First tooth is through the gums now but I’ve no idea if he’s still teething right now (how would I know??) and when he’s very upset at night I don’t know whether he’s upset by the process (we are not doing controlled crying) or in pain from teething so it’s very hard to be able to follow through with it confidently.

I had Skype talking therapy - don't know if you could look into that? It meant I had to try and coincide with nap time which was a bit tricky as her napping was so unpredictable but I was mostly able to do it.

Like your DS, my DD was such an unhappy baby - it felt like she instrinsically did not like being a baby. I don't think her lack of sleep helped, but it felt like more than that. However, I did feel like she got a bit easier once I got my PND treated - I think sometimes I got so stressed about the whole thing that it rubbed off on her and impacted in her mood. Or perhaps when I was feeling low it just impacted on my perception. Either way, once I got treatment it all became so much easier. And honestly there was no black mark against my medical record - the doctor said speaking out was the best possible thing I could do.

Perhaps when you go to the GP about your son if they seem nice you could drop in how you have been feeling? You don't have to go into all the details if you don't feel you can yet, but perhaps just say you are finding it very difficult to cope with and you are feeling quite low.

I feel for you so much. So much of what you say reminds me of how I felt in those days. I was so reluctant to admit to anyone I was struggling - it took until my DD was 9 months to seek help and I badly regretted not going sooner. There isn't really anything to say now that will make it better - it will get better, and you won't always feel this way but I'm sure right now that feels pretty irrelevant.

So many new mums go through this, but there is such a stigma around it so no one talks about it. Then you feel like the only one, which makes you feel more of a failure so it is harder to admit you are struggling. But there are so many of us who go through it - you are not a failure and you are not alone.

I hope your dr is sympathetic Hiding and the appointment goes well.

If DD is disturbed I never know if it’s teething or not. We usually give something after 20mins if she hasn’t settled in that time. I was told that ibuprofen is better than Calpol for teething so I’m trying that.

I have no advice on the sleep training I’m afraid as we started it but got too exhausted to follow through. Some mums swear by it but there’s always rough patches that reset the efforts and they have to repeat the training. I’m more path of least resistance.

It must be so hard not having your husband around to help much and saying it’ll get better makes things no easier for you! I think they struggle to understand how relentless it is for mums, there’s literally no escape, no time off. I do actually believe it is harder staying at home to look after a high needs baby than going to work. You are doing a great job under challenging circumstances, please don’t doubt yourself.

@Jellyfishtenticles the Skype therapy sounds interesting and much more doable than face to face counselling as I’d have a bit of a shot at timing the appointments around DS sleeping at least. Was that something you arranged through your GP or did you have to organise it privately?

@Cottipus sorry to hear that sleep training wasn’t a good option for you. Are things at least feeling manageable?

I am walking DS in the pram right now as I thought it might be better for my sanity to be out of the house...also to try to stop myself from crying as there’s no social embarrassment to worry about at home.

But I had to walk nearly three miles before DS fell asleep and then when I dared to sit on a bench to type this a police car came past with sirens blaring which woke him up. Then a mother walking past, talking to her toddler. I could feel anger bubbling inside of me even though of course I know that it’s ridiculous for me to feel that way, poor woman wasn’t doing anything remotely wrong. And I am completely freaked out by how irrational and fragile I am. And sad because I feel as though I’m tipping (have tipped?) into a state of depression and, although I can’t know for definite, I feel fairly sure that the broken sleep has caused this. I am struggling to imagine ever feeling happy again...writing that down I know it looks very odd and yet it’s how I feel.

I can’t remember if I already posted about this but we saw some improvement with sleep training a couple of weeks back but teeth coming through seems to be undoing the progress. I feel stuck between obviously not wanting to leave DS in pain if teeth are bothering him but equally can’t be giving him medicine every day on the off chance.

We had an employee assistance program at work so Skype therapy was through that. I am sure other therapists would offer it to, although I'm not sure about the NHS - it would probably depend on where you live.

Everything you say sounds painfully familiar. I to am pretty sure I would not have had PND if it hadn't been for the sleep/constantly grumpy baby issues. And I also remember feeling irrationally angry at anyone who made the slightest noise around my sleeping baby. My neighbours were having some boiler work done over a few days with lots of drilling, and I knew it was stupid but I was so (internally) furious at them! And I'm pretty sure in my sleep deprived state I came pretty close to writing to my MP to ban bonfire night one year as the fireworks caused me so many wake ups...

I also recognise that feeling of thinking I would never feel happy again. I remember thinking if this is how the sleep stuff makes me feel how am I going to cope with years of teething, toddler tantrums and stroppy teens. But in reality I think learning to cope with the sleep stuff has given me a certain resilience, and all the new challenges that the toddler years have brought I have been able to take in my stride. Nothing compares with a baby that doesn't sleep, and I am finding the toddler stuff a breeze! I know that doesn't help you now though, other than to know you are not alone.

I know you said your partner isn't around much but is he supportive when he is? I found when I eventually broke down in front of mine that was the turning point. He gently encouraged me to speak to my GP, and I felt a little less awful once I had told someone and they weren't totally shocked at me.

How's it going @HidingUnderTheSofa? How was DS doc appt? Did you manage to sort out anything for yourself either doc appt or email/phone call chat?
Hope you're ok x

@HidingUnderTheSofa Hope you are okay. Thinking about you, hoping things have improved. Just remember you aren't alone 

Hi @Hiding I just wanted to say hello. ive come into the sleep board to see if anyone was experiencing similar. Sorry to see that you are.

I wish I had the answers, I just wanted to let you know you're not alone

My DS is 21 weeks and has been an appalling sleeper for 10 weeks. Exactly as you describe.

I was suicidal and experiencing extreme feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness. I ran out of the house once at its worst. No coat/money/keys just an overwhelming need to escape. It was such a horrible shock. Things have been better since mentally just from being more open about how I feel. The sleep hasn't improved tho

I hope you're ok

Been reading these posts and just wanted to say thank you! All of what you're saying is my life! DD 10 months old. Won't nap on the go, cot sleeping better but hit and miss. Terrible settled at night. Wakes up after 45 mins nearly every time and takes an hour of crying to resettle. Won't nap much at nursery (she goes there 11-4 so we can try and get a decent nap at hone), BUT started waking really late in morning (still going right now at 8.30) so probwont nap for long before nursery, did the sane yesterday!

I'm at work, on my knees, cry every day and STILL every day hope that tonight will be better, then get cross at myself for letting myself be hopefull when it turns to shit again.

Just existing... obsessed with sleep, no sense of humour, poor DH gets it in the neck most days, know I'm being unreasonable but SO cross with the world. Cross it's making my baby suffer, cross that this isn't how it was meant to be, cross that it is so hard when it could be so easy... then cross because I'm clearly ungrateful when there's people who would give anything to be in my shoes but I just can't see it because I'm so tired.and sadbecause I think back to my pregnancy days and remember that feeling of excitement and happiness and just wonder what happened!

Keep strong people, god'this phasewill pass' better live up to expectation.

@hidingunderthesofa I hope you’re OK. Hope you managed to get some support from your gp.

@catheroooo I have a 10m old DD and a lot of what you say resonates! Even the having to have an hour of crying every bedtime. We’ve done away with the cot for now, she’s on a mattress on the floor and we’ve a single bed next to her. By the time she gets over it she’ll probably be big enough to just go straight into the toddler bed!

She does half days at nursery and they can’t get her to nap easily either- it makes me feel better in a way that it’s nothing I did wrong, it’s just the way she’s made.

I’m with you on the sleep and mental health, I haven’t had an uninterrupted nights’ sleep for well over a year and at times it drives me half mad. Like you I keep telling myself it has to get better sometime!

Thanks @cottipus this forum is so helpful just to know you're not alone. Like OP has said, you feel that you're the only one with the non sleeping baby! I'm sorry you're going through it too.

This isn't a big deal in the grand scheme if things but have you ever gone out for an evening yet? My DH is 40 next month and a meal has been arranged with friends. I'm dreading it. I desperately want to be there for his birthday. But I just don't feel able to leave DD. She only wants me when she wakes up. Whilst I know she will be looked after by her Grandma who she loves and loves her, I know she won't settle easily and I can't bear the thought of her screaming for hours (We tried at the weekend and DD screamed like never before and we only lasted 5 mins before we went in). DH is incredibly supportive and whilst doesn't think I am right, would support me if I chose to stay at home. But 40 year birthdays only happen once.

How is your LO at nursery? Mine is ok but won't sleep well or eat great. It's been 4 weeks so still early days I guess. I feel rotten for leaving her there.

@catheroooo we've gone out separately, but not together. I wouldn't feel it was fair on DD or who looked after her for both of us to leave her whilst she's so needy. Plus no-one has volunteered either! We could probably get away with going out on an evening and sticking her in the carrier, she quite likes that.

If it was a big event like your DH's birthday I'd probably go along for 2-3 hours then come home. I can't do late nights anymore, I can't waste the sleep!

Nursery's going OK. She does get herself into a state and doesn't eat well either. She used to be a great eater but we've really gone backwards, she doesn't like being soon fed anymore (unless it's yoghurt). And she seems to be wanting more and more milk (BF) but won't take a bottle or a proper feed from a cup. So I'm sort of trapped. Plus she is catching every illness under the sun and is really under the weather!

It's actually quite a trying time at the moment...

Checking in to say hello to everyone and say thanks for the recent messages I hardly dare type this in case I jinx myself but we’ve had four nights now that have had at least one 4 and even 5 hour stretch, which is unbelieveable. Things aren’t perfect- today DS has fought every nap- and sometimes he wakes up crying two hours after being put down to bed, and I can’t work out why.

But overall the developments have been very positive. The sleep deprivation has really taken its toll on me mentally/emotionally though and I feel that my mood is so dependant on how sleep is going. I spend the evenings feeling very anxious that DS will wake up early on and I really struggled to feel calm inside today when I couldn’t get DS to nap at all. I don’t really have any emotional resilience left in me I don’t think. What I would have done without this thread I don’t know. I re-read all of the lovely comments and advice when I am struggling and it really helps.

Saw a very sympathetic GP but realistically going to see a counsellor face to face would be difficult right now so I am doing some self-help stuff online. If I feel like that’s not enough to help me keep on top of things I will definitely go back to the GP.

@NationalShiteDay I am so sorry to hear that you’re going through that. Would you find it helpful to post a bit more detail about what’s happening with the sleep? Some wise person may be able to offer some helpful advice. If not, I hope you’ll keep posting for moral support. Do you have good support from friends and family?

And @Catheroooo so sorry to hear what you’re dealing with too. You’re further along than me (DS is coming up to seven months now) so I can’t imagine how you’ve coped for all of that time. How far is the birthday dinner from home? If it were me I think I would go to it, especially if you can do Cottipus’s suggestion of going for a few hours and then heading home if needs be. I think you may feel really sad to have missed it if you don’t go. Sounds like your DD knows her grandma well and adores her so she is not with an unknown career. She may well not have the happiest evening in the world whilst you’re out, but I think there’s a difference between that and it being a traumatic experience for her...hope I’m making some sense. I think it’s really important to carve some time out for ourselves to retain a non-mum identity. And it’s also a special birthday so I’m sure it’d mean a lot to your DH too.

@Cottipus oh I really am so sad to read that things are worse rather than easier. Talk about when it rains, it pours how long has she been at nursery for now? Are you getting chance for any sort of self-care stuff these days?

Hiding thank you, have posted my own thread which has been helpful.

What magical thing have you done to get 4/5 hour block of sleep? I'm so pleased to hear things are hopefully improving for you!!

I know exactly what you mean about the lack of emotional resilience. I've just got nothing left to give. It has got a bit better recently as I've just accepted that this is my life now and I have faith that one day it will get better. Plus DS is really cute and smiles loads so that helps.

@NationalShiteDay I hope that your thread is bringing you some much needed support. We did some sleep training which involved putting DS down in his cot awake after his bedtime feed and then sitting in his bedroom with him until he fell asleep. I won’t lie, it involved a lot of tears initially (his and mine) but it stopped the every 40 min to 1 hour wake ups in the second half of the night. Before then I just don’t think he was able to join up sleep cycles after the first chunk of sleep at the end of the day when at his most tired. So essentially we forced the issue as I didn’t feel able to wait (months? Years?) for him to naturally learn how to do that. It’s not for everyone but I feel it was the right thing for us as a family.

But the elusive ‘sleeping through the night’ still feels a very long way off. Had one amazing night where I only had to feed once but I am usually up three times to feed, occasionally twice.

DS is very full on and often grizzly during the day, so although three wake ups a night may sound ‘good’, I am still finding things very difficult. I think that’s it’s teething that’s bothering him at the moment, plus possibly frustration at not being able to crawl...but I constantly feel like I must be doing it all wrong.