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Original poster

Other half wakes baby EVERY NIGHT. Groundhog day

125 replies

firsttimemum15 · 16/10/2016 09:32

My other half is by no stretch of the imagination a quiet person. Bangs around a lot.

Every night he has been waking baby up but refuses to accept it. He always stays up later than us or is out on a night when he comes back in he crashes and clings around so much so that baby wakes up but he will not accept it.

We live in a small open plan ish house (eg no door from stairs to living room.) Baby's room is above kitchen.

I will wash up after tea and leave anything else until morning but he will bang about despite my repeated requests.

I honestly feel like I'm losing my mind as every morning now and every single night we are having the same argument but he will not discuss it like an adult just resorts to childish insults and then says "I'll be quiet" it never changes.

This has being going on a month. Before that for one reasons or another baby wasn't really in own room as we were away a lot.

When I went to my parents she did big stretches in own room there as they have bigger house and her room is quiet.

Daughter can sleep in day with noise but my argument is that she's used to sleeping with noise in the day and it's different at night. As it would be for adults I suppose I can sleep with noise in the day... but not at night. I'd wake up.

He says she needs to learn. My argument is how can she learn if he won't let her practice.

I've asked him to sleep at his mums one night so I can see whether I'm right... he won't.

I end up so angry and my anger just bubbles away while I'm. Say feeding her and trying to get her back in the cot that I bring her in our bed because we both get some sleep.

He then has the audacity to say "you need to just persevere getting her in her own cot. Just stay up and get her back don't bring her in our bed"

My back hurts and I don't sleep properly when Co sleeping but this just angers me even more because it would be a lot easier for me to persevere with getting her in her own room if she woke up naturally and I wasn't dwelling on him being a noisy prat and waking her up.

My anger is just bubbling away and we are arguing a lot. I feel like since having a baby my life has changed inexplicably and his just has not....

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Wolfiefan · 16/10/2016 09:34

I take it he settles her when she wakes?!

JennyHolzersGhost · 16/10/2016 09:35

"Resorts to childish insults" - this doesn't sound like a partnership. I'd be seriously unimpressed by this behaviour. He needs to get his shit together sharpish.

ElspethFlashman · 16/10/2016 09:36

He's doing it cos it's not his problem, it's YOUR problem. I'm betting he just goes to sleep and snores away.

If he was the one to resettle her every night he'd soon start to tiptoe around, but he's not, so he doesn't give a shiny shit.

Artandco · 16/10/2016 09:37

I think babies donned to get used to noise, washing up isn't exactly a party rave so should be fine to do. Otherwise you will end up with a 5 year old that can sleep only in silence

However, if he wakes her up, he should resettle

SortAllTheThings · 16/10/2016 09:38

What a shithead Angry

ASISAYNOTASIDO · 16/10/2016 09:40

Rule in this house
....you wake baby, you take baby.

Roll over and go back to sleep - you need to drop the ball before he starts to pick it up. And this will be for EVERYTHING so learn it now. Child has two parents.

Chippednailvarnishing · 16/10/2016 09:40

Swap rooms, put him in the baby's room and have her in with you. He sounds a total shit.

Wolfiefan · 16/10/2016 09:41

Asisay that's what I thought. If he wants to crash about and that wakes the baby then fine if he deals with it.
He doesn't sound like he wants to be a parent much. Stays up later (doing what?!) and goes out (how often?!) EVERY night.

ElspethFlashman · 16/10/2016 09:42

I will say that your child does seem like an unusually light sleeper. My first slept above the kitchen too and was a light sleeper, so when one was putting him to bed, the other wouldn't pick that time to be crashing pots and pans in the sink. But once he was asleep we could do it.

Exactly what is he doing that is so loud??

DinosaursRoar · 16/10/2016 09:43

Agree, he doesn't give a shit because it's your job, not his, and really, deep down he doesn't care. I'm sure he would prefer it if you got a good nights sleep and dc slept, but not enough to make any changes to his behaviour to facilitate that.

TataEs · 16/10/2016 09:45

i think banging about when there has been silence wakes us all, which is why it's different in the day when there's a constant background noise. like we can watch tv, wash up, talk at normal volume (live in a flat) outside his room etc after ds2 gone to bed cos the noise is consistent, but flush the loo in the night and you're doomed!
tell they OH that he'll have to resettle baby if he does the waking. months of my oh waking ds2 by flushing the loo i made him resettle him once and he's been extra super quiet since.

3luckystars · 16/10/2016 09:49

"What a shithead"

Exactly!!!

He probably always suits himself but you are only really noticing now because it affects your sleep.

53rdAndBird · 16/10/2016 09:58

I'd be furious. And why isn't he dealing with resettling her?

He's awake, you're asleep = his turn
He wakes her = his turn
He wants her resettled in the cot = his turn

Plus, he's as much her parent as you are, so a fair amount of the time this should be his turn anyway!

jazzandh · 16/10/2016 10:07

Frustrating and annoying! When you have an older child and a younger one the same thing happens as well!

I overcame it with white noise/fans in bedrooms. Means mine aren't owken by fireworks/thunder/noise in the house. Works a treat.

Original poster
firsttimemum15 · 16/10/2016 11:21

I did try to combat it last night by leaving her fan on.

I forgot to mention mostly he will wake her up after an hour or so. I felt like waking him up last n8ght so he would get a sense of how it felt

Washing up isn't a party, no but he can't do anything quietly. Eg bangs cupboards instead of closing them. I've washed up when she's been asleep and it's been fine.

Like someone else said and like I think sleeping with noise is fine but at night it's different. It is quiet at night and I'd wake up if there was noise and I'm. Not a light sleeper. It is different to napping in day she will sleep with noise but he is disturbing her.

I know what people mean about him settling her. I leave it though and it doesn't work. She then seems to be the one who suffers.

He's not out partying. He will go playing sport or works late in house then moves and crashes about and wakes her up. Honestly when he shuts the front door the whole house shakes. He will talk v loudly on phone and we only have thin walls. He shouts rather than speaks. I've asked him to go for a hearing test and I'm not joking.

We don't flush the loo so that's something. If she woke up on her own I could deal with it but he wakes her up after an hour or so. I just feel so bogged down and stuck in a rut. I put her to bed optimistically every night. There's no way she would've woken last night if he hadn't woken her up but he just thinks it's her fault.

I can't get through to him it's getting me down.

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 16/10/2016 11:24

He needs to start settling her if she wakes up

He sounds completely inconsiderate

rainbowstardrops · 16/10/2016 11:26

He's a selfish arse.
If he wakes her up then he should settle her. If he thinks she should be in a cot then he has to take his share of that too.
Remind him that your DD has TWO parents.
If he's left to settle her then he might think twice about being noisy

Snapandcrackle · 16/10/2016 11:29

who settles her back to sleep?
If he wakes her It should be him

Original poster
firsttimemum15 · 16/10/2016 11:48

I've left him to try but it doesn't work and I've given it a good go. Baby is going through classic separation anxiety phase.

She gets so upset that I go in. Try to get her in cot she Wakes and cries again so try again settle her and we go on like that until I inevitably take her in my room. I just sit simmering with bubbling rage while I'm sitting there it's easier to take her with me and we both get sleep.

But my back hurts.

I feel my daughter is the only one suffering if I leave her with other half and I don't want her up screeching all night.

The solution is for him to just be quiet to me or sleep elsewhere.

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 16/10/2016 11:52

Is there anywhere you can stay for the night?

Then see if she sleeps all night

Though if he's that ignorant he will probably say it's a coincidence

Original poster
firsttimemum15 · 16/10/2016 11:54

Yes. At ours. I've asked him to go elsewhere. I want her to sleep in her own room. She has her own room at my parents and she didn't sleep through but did long chunks.

However they live far away and going there means going for the best part of a week otherwise it's not worth it.

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 16/10/2016 11:56

Well until he sees he's a problem, nothing will change

PerspicaciaTick · 16/10/2016 11:57

I think he should be settling the baby. And you need to really work on trusting him to settle her - even if it takes him longer (until he gets experience) to settle her effectively.
TBH it sounds as though he is being an arse, but you sound as though you are very stressed about nights and are hyper aware of his behaviour. I can't think of any particular reason why a baby who sleeps through noise in the day couldn't sleep through noise in the night.

Original poster
firsttimemum15 · 16/10/2016 12:07

I'm not stressed or hyper I'm annoyed.

I can sleep fine with noise in the day but if somebody started crashing around the house at night I'd wake up too and indeed he wakes me too.

I've given him good chances to settle her but she ends up screeching the house down. That's not what I want for her. She has never been a wide awake baby at night always sleepy.

I realise nothing will change until he sees the problem but them problem is getting him to see the problem it's a vicious circle and I feel so low about it at the moment.

OP posts:
Rozdeek · 16/10/2016 12:19

I have a light sleeping baby - we crashed around him when he was a newborn but it made no difference - he hit four months and bang, the slightest sound wakes him. He's 7 months now. He sleeps with white noise at full blast but we live in a tiny flat and he's right next to the kitchen. I can wash up ok but I have to leave drying up & putting away til morning as the bangs would wake him.

It's very annoying. I sympathise. I hate it when people say "oh he has to get used to it". Oh ok. You come and sort it out then Hmm