Other half wakes baby EVERY NIGHT. Groundhog day

[firsttimemum15]

My other half is by no stretch of the imagination a quiet person. Bangs around a lot.

Every night he has been waking baby up but refuses to accept it. He always stays up later than us or is out on a night when he comes back in he crashes and clings around so much so that baby wakes up but he will not accept it.

We live in a small open plan ish house (eg no door from stairs to living room.) Baby's room is above kitchen.

I will wash up after tea and leave anything else until morning but he will bang about despite my repeated requests.

I honestly feel like I'm losing my mind as every morning now and every single night we are having the same argument but he will not discuss it like an adult just resorts to childish insults and then says "I'll be quiet" it never changes.

This has being going on a month. Before that for one reasons or another baby wasn't really in own room as we were away a lot.

When I went to my parents she did big stretches in own room there as they have bigger house and her room is quiet.

Daughter can sleep in day with noise but my argument is that she's used to sleeping with noise in the day and it's different at night. As it would be for adults I suppose I can sleep with noise in the day... but not at night. I'd wake up.

He says she needs to learn. My argument is how can she learn if he won't let her practice.

I've asked him to sleep at his mums one night so I can see whether I'm right... he won't.

I end up so angry and my anger just bubbles away while I'm. Say feeding her and trying to get her back in the cot that I bring her in our bed because we both get some sleep.

He then has the audacity to say "you need to just persevere getting her in her own cot. Just stay up and get her back don't bring her in our bed"

My back hurts and I don't sleep properly when Co sleeping but this just angers me even more because it would be a lot easier for me to persevere with getting her in her own room if she woke up naturally and I wasn't dwelling on him being a noisy prat and waking her up.

My anger is just bubbling away and we are arguing a lot. I feel like since having a baby my life has changed inexplicably and his just has not....

OP, I would be annoyed too. I'd definitely pursue getting his hearing/ears checked (spec savers do it for free) but also, try some white noise/alpha music? I find it really calms my ds down but also muffles a lot of other noise so worth a try (does need left on all night though) I

I'm leaving the fan on tonight. Read about Alpha music but don't know what it is. Tried leaving white noise apps on all night when she slept in Co sleeper bed in my room. Didn't really work.

It's worth another shot I guess if I can get hold of something to play it on

Also I'm a bit concerned if I start playing music at night I'll have to forever

H9w do they grow out of that?

I feel your pain OP as I too have a dh who makes excessive noise banging about but is completely oblivious to it!

Door are slammed closed instead of closed properly, dishes are banged about, phone calls are so loud I can hear them word for word from the next floor, tv is ridiculously loud. If I'm in bed watching tv i can hear it all so loudly it makes me jump!

DD is ok if she's in a deep sleep but if he does it in the 5 mins either side of her 45 min sleep cycle transition it wakes her.

He does apologise and tried to be quiet but as he is partially deaf he does struggle. I tend to text him saying "baby stirring - keep it down for 10 mins please" so he can be mindful. It's not perfect but it does the trick.

Generally dd does settle herself back to sleep. But if she's woken by a loud noise that makes her jump then she gets upset and needs a cuddle first - she's genuinely scared.

It's pretty hard not to be filled with rage when you've spent hours settling a baby just for them to be woken by somebody being thoughtless.

Tried leaving white noise apps on all night when she slept in Co sleeper bed in my room. Didn't really work.

Didn't work in what way?

That she still woke up? Or that DHs noise woke her when she would have otherwise slept through?

H9w do they grow out of that?

Does it matter if they dont? I sleep with a fan on year-round because I find the noise and air movement relaxing.

Many just do grow out if it. Many adults have methods they use to relax to sleep. How does that matter to you op?

I would be raging too op

I got alpha music from the Sarah ockwell-smith website. It sounds like you live in a house where sound travels so might need a long term solution anyway, but she will gradually sleep better and more deeply anyway. As a kid I always put music on to go to sleep, but grew out of it in my teens
Your partner may not even need hearing aids but have a hearing problem; I recently knew someone go to the doctor because he couldn't hear well enough to use his phone at all, after a few trips to have his ears syringed his hearing is fine

How does it matter because I don't want to play music all night every night forever. Think of the electricity bills for one. If me feeding her to sleep is seen as such a bad thing then why is creating another sleep prop with music seen as acceptable.

Yes I don't like to think I follow a parenting style but I've read some of Sarah ockwell smith and her style is most similar to mine I found I was doing some of what she said naturally anyway and agree with her thought about cio and responding to your child at night theories about self settling etc.

I found the white noise played all night had no impact. What do you mean why didn't it work? It just didn't work for us and yes I used it for a long period.

Sorry haven't rtft. I'm in the process of night weaning my 2yo, I'm saying nothing about feeding to sleep! Just thought some background noise might help block out other noises.

Oh yes I've tried thst

I think your oh is being very selfish, he doesn't have to modify his behaviour because re settling isn't his problem. Why on earth wouldn't a grown man modify his behaviour to let his partner get a good nights sleep. It's not hard.

Fwiw I have 8 month old twins - both sleep in my room. One sleeps longish stretches and can resettle during sleep cycles and will fall asleep with dh playing songs to her. (When first born she woke most but has grown out of it). The other screams like a banshee when she wakes and will only feed to sleep - she wakes far more and bed shares - she also wakes if the other twin cries - unsure about other noise as no one in our houses bangs around (even teenage dd and friends). Both twins have the same routine and the same house noises. What works for one has not worked for the other.

DS bed shared and is a fantastic sleeper (own bed aged 2 - he was still feeding many many times a night aged 18 months). He sleeps 12/13 hours occasionally waking some nights to take himself for a wee. I don't believe bed sharing creates future problems. I believe resettling is a developmental milestone just like walking, crawling etc. teenage dd hasn't bed shared for many, many years - so they definitely stop!

I would go to my parents for a long stretch and get a good night sleep and consider why he is so very selfish. I doubt he will improve especially with more children. I don't get why any adult makes life hard for the person they care about.

I was very stressed out about noise when my first baby was sleeping (he is now 7yrs old). I wouldn't invite people over for fear they would be noisy, no toilet flushing, subtitles on the TV. No doing anything on the TV and I would stress at the slightest sound that came from out side. Quite often my DH had it in the neck for making any noise. My family thought I was insane and looking back I have to agree! It turned out that it was a symptom of PND. I'm not saying you are as bad as this or that you have PND but I agree with Fate that he might just be getting on with life in the evening and it could be a coincidence that your baby is waking? My DS2 woke every night after 45 - 60 minutes for months and I think it was an overtired thing.

Needless not say when DS2 arrived I had DS1 charging around the house making a racket, TV on loud and the youngest learnt to sleep through it all - even in the evening. In fact, he is 2.5yrs old now and goes to sleep quicker at bedtime listening to everyone banging around the house!

I just remembered another one - no light on on the bathroom as it was next-door to DS bedroom. We used to get ready for bed by phone light..... My DH was a saint for what he put up with!

Sorry Oats think most of my last long post was in response to Fate.

Fate I'm not sure your suggested techniques will work for my baby. They didn't in the early days. But different things work for different babies. I certainly don't expect her to self soothe.

I also was in a bad mood as another argument occurred last night. Will let see how tonight goes as it's sport night.

Oats yes ockwell smith fits my own parenting style and I don't have a problem with feeding to sleep.

Last night I left the fan on to provide background noise but he was quiet. However baby woke up firstly after an hour so then he said it didn't matter However my argument is and still is that she woke up of her own accord. It's then easier to deal with.
I struggled to get her in cot so took her in my room then transferred her into cot

When she woke up again I thought I would try the same thing. However she just seemed to sickle and I couldn't get her off.

I didn't get a wink if sleep due to that and mainly the huge row we had. But he got up this am with her and I had a few hours.

I'm not being overly sensitive nor do I have PND. The noise as stated is excessive. Somebody said their partner is dead and they ask him to keep the noise down. My phone messages are similar. Asking for TV to be turned down every single night more because it keeps me awake.

I think resetting is a Milestone too. I don't mind Co sleeping but as I've said before I'm crippled in the morning and my back really hurts because of how I end up sleeping and I don't sleep properly I like having her close but equally I love my own space for the first part of the night too

Fate I'm not sure your suggested techniques will work for my baby

The only suggestions I made here were cosleeping or room sharing - both of which match Sarah Ockwell-Smiths gentle parenting methods. It's fine to do neither of these if you prefer. My main point has been that the blame and resentment regarding noise is hindering the support and partnership you could have with DH through this hard phase.

In the gentlist possible way, your overwhelming negatvity and pessimisam does suggest depression

How much does baby sleep during the daytime? Are daytime naps easier?

I'm not being negative or pessimistic nor am I depressed. Why can't I just be annoyed.

Someone suggested putting cot in our room there is absolutely no way it will fit even if we took out bedside tables.

As I've said all along I don't have a problem with bed sharing but I wake up.in pain and can't sleep due to discomfort in my back.

She sleeps when she is tired in the day..in pram/car/sling/on me. Can't get her in cot. inmates lining myself up for all.kinds of criticism here

I'm a twin too and my mum said the same to whoever has twins. One of us slept well the other didn't.

In reference to my post where I said my sensitivity to noise was a symptom of PND - I didn't actually realise this or the madness of my behaviour until it was pointed out a year or so later that it was probably PND. There is no other rational explanation for my irrational behaviour at that time. Unless your DH is being excessively noisy on purpose (which he can't be if he knows you are annoyed by it) then I probably wouldn't class his noise as excessive, just a light sleeping baby.

I'm not saying you have PND or are mad by the way! I do sympathise as my DH is very 'bangy' in the evening - I've given up asking him to make an effort to be quieter, the kids either sleep through it now or wake up and settle themselves down again (nine times out of ten he doesn't actually wake them).

She sleeps when she is tired in the day..in pram/car/sling/on me. Can't get her in cot. inmates lining myself up for all.kinds of criticism here

You're really defensive. I meant how often / how long does she sleep in the daytime. The when and how wasn't relevant.

My point was going to be that over tired-babies tend to be light sleepers and wake more easily. Its the whole 'sleep breeds better sleep' thing.

You had mentioned that daytime sleeps are easier (because you are quieter) so I was going to suggest you work on more daytime sleep as a means to problem solve.

I hope your evening goes well tonight and baby isn't too wakeful.

I didn't mention that day time sleep was easier due to quieter. It's quite the opposite she's slept with full blown sirens going past. In a wedding disco while I hoover
Hence why I don't think my baby is a light sleeper

So she can sleep through all that but not your DH going about his business in the house in the evening? What on earth must he be doing that is noisier than all those other things you mentioned?!

Hope it's going better tonight, OP.

If he's genuinely just clueless about how much noise he's making to the point where you're concerned about his hearing, I suppose you could try breaking it down into specific actions - "close the cupboard doors with your hand on the handle, like this." But that's not much use if he does know and doesn't care, or isn't willing to change a thing about how he does things.

I don't understand why people are grilling the OP so much? No wonder she's being defensive!

Is it really that hard to believe that her dh is a noisy person?

I've lived with loads of people over the years - family, house shares, partners etc. Most people operate within a normal level of noise but some people are just ridiculously loud! I don't know if they're clumsy, or heavy handed or what, but there truly are very loud people out there.

And loud noises always sound worse at night. In the day there are various background noises pretty much continuously so a loud noise isn't quite as jarring. At night if the house is quiet and little or no background noise then it is more jarring.

A combo of a loud person and the quiet of night is really quite difficult.

I'm surprised at how many people seem to struggle to understand / accept / believe what the OP is describing.

I quite agree Gillian.