Other half wakes baby EVERY NIGHT. Groundhog day

[firsttimemum15]

My other half is by no stretch of the imagination a quiet person. Bangs around a lot.

Every night he has been waking baby up but refuses to accept it. He always stays up later than us or is out on a night when he comes back in he crashes and clings around so much so that baby wakes up but he will not accept it.

We live in a small open plan ish house (eg no door from stairs to living room.) Baby's room is above kitchen.

I will wash up after tea and leave anything else until morning but he will bang about despite my repeated requests.

I honestly feel like I'm losing my mind as every morning now and every single night we are having the same argument but he will not discuss it like an adult just resorts to childish insults and then says "I'll be quiet" it never changes.

This has being going on a month. Before that for one reasons or another baby wasn't really in own room as we were away a lot.

When I went to my parents she did big stretches in own room there as they have bigger house and her room is quiet.

Daughter can sleep in day with noise but my argument is that she's used to sleeping with noise in the day and it's different at night. As it would be for adults I suppose I can sleep with noise in the day... but not at night. I'd wake up.

He says she needs to learn. My argument is how can she learn if he won't let her practice.

I've asked him to sleep at his mums one night so I can see whether I'm right... he won't.

I end up so angry and my anger just bubbles away while I'm. Say feeding her and trying to get her back in the cot that I bring her in our bed because we both get some sleep.

He then has the audacity to say "you need to just persevere getting her in her own cot. Just stay up and get her back don't bring her in our bed"

My back hurts and I don't sleep properly when Co sleeping but this just angers me even more because it would be a lot easier for me to persevere with getting her in her own room if she woke up naturally and I wasn't dwelling on him being a noisy prat and waking her up.

My anger is just bubbling away and we are arguing a lot. I feel like since having a baby my life has changed inexplicably and his just has not....

53rdAndBird - op clearly perceives the noise to be loud.

You need to make it his problem too, OP. So take away his pillows (and duvet) if necessary so he can't sleep until you do, with the baby settled.

This isn't about OP changing her routine, it's about her selfish other half who just needs to be fucking quiet! If everybody else in the house is asleep you don't start slamming doors, or banging around in the kitchen. You behave like an adult, have a tiny bit of consideration.

My ex was like this. I had to make sure the kitchen was clear before I went to bed or he would slam doors and bang the pots about and make loads of noise while 'helpfully' washing up . Totally unnecessary. Would also insist on going out for a fag after I'd gone to bed, then come in, slam the door and then everybody would wake up. Refused to accept that he couldn't do whatever he wanted when he wanted in his own house. All I wanted was to be able to sleep. Selfish fuck.

One of the many reasons he no longer lives here.

Yes it is excessive noise hard not to be sensitive about it when baby wakes.
I suppose I just needed to vent. There are people who understand and people who don't

Thanks

FATE

I DID make loads of noise around my DS as a newborn. It made no difference to how he is now. None.

How old is the baby?

But there will be levels of noise that are excessive and would wake anyone however deep a sleeper, FATE. Just like we would all (hopefully) wake up to a fire alarm, there will be a level of noise that will wake even the best sleepers, and you couldn't 'train' someone to sleep through. The OP says that baby doesn't wake when she washes up, but does wake when her dh washes up. It very much sounds like her dh is making excessive noise.

OP I don't know what to suggest as I'm amazed he won't even try being quieter to see if it helps.

Is he inconsiderate/ selfish in any other areas?

Rozdeek

Your baby (a) can self settle when going to sleep and (b) is younger then OPs child so hadn't yet transferred that ability to settle into night waking yet.

So while a supportive ear is always welcomed on the threads on Sleep board, your situations are not comparable.

Hopefully your DS will get the hang of settling back to sleep during night wakeups soon. My independant (with a dummy and blankie) settling baby first started being able to self sooth in the night occassionally from about 8 months old. It was consistent by about 12 months old. There's light at the end of the tunnel. Hope everything works well for you

But fate it's not about self settling.

He's being stubborn but I also don't think he sees my point because he doesn't think he's being loud.
I've tried recording it but it won't pick up.on the phone

Fate you seem determined to ignore what the OP is saying.

I think it's highly unlikely that a selfish man such as this would have the patience to re-settle this baby every time he wakes her up. He can't even shut the fuck up for her and allow her to sleep can he?

I can't believe the earnest advice that the baby needs to learn to self settle to accommodate this selfish arsehole and his behaviour.

As for bitterness from the OP, of course she's bitter and angry, I would have gone into full gorilla mode on his arse by now.

Some people are just so disgustingly selfish that they absolutely will not change even the smallest thing to accommodate the needs of others, even their own child, looks like this man is one of them. I bet he is selfish in a myriad of other ways too that just haven't been mentioned here.

I would take a big holiday to my parents and consider my options OP that or lose my f*cking mind

Yup, I would going for a very long visit too.

The OP says that baby doesn't wake when she washes up, but does wake when her dh washes up

I had inferred her DH was putting away dinner pots that op had already washed up, rather than him washing them. That said, I still consider putting away as part of "doing the pots" anyway.

OP said she can do the pots during the daytine without waking baby. I can do the pots super-silently if needed. Just because I can do them mega quietly if needed does not follow that doing them normally is excessive noise.

I remember sitting in a darkened room seething whilst settling a baby who'd been woken up by the doorbell / toilet flushing / door banging / car revving. I remember being sooooo angry with the person who created that noise. I remember being cross and unreasonably angry at DH/my mum/whoever made the noise without realising it would wake baby.

I realise now though that this isn't excessive noise. It just felt that way when baby was so easily woken and I was so massively tired and frustrated by it all. I'm thankful my husband was understanding and let me rant at him and accepted my blaming him without countering my argument. He just listened, sympathised, let me vent and then carried on with the reasonable level of noise that there already was.

I pose the suggestion that may be the OPs open resentment, accepted anger, hurting back and frustration at 10 months coping with night wakes alone - these are all factors affecting her oeception of the level of noise and who is to blame for that nouse waking baby.

OP. I promise it won't last forever

He is a good dad and not generally a selfish man just blinkered with this

Chippednailvarnishing - I wasn't posting in relation to the op at that point. I had read the ops latest post about needing to vent. I had also posted a response to a different poster and their 7 month old (not the op).

He is a good dad and not generally a selfish man

That's a good start point OP. Is there any other situation whereby he would wilfully and deliberately do something spiteful?

Do you believe he is being spiteful about the noise?

Is he willing to try settling the baby (even if he's not as effective as you at it)?

OP have you tried playing white noise in your babies room? It helps disguise household noise and babies find it soothing as it's reminiscent of the noisy womb.

Fate you are basically telling the op that she is being oversensitive about a grown man making enough noise to wake up a sleeping baby who is in a different room.

This is a sleep board, not AIBU. Leave her alone. She didn't ask for opinions on how sensitive she is. He needs to be quiet, she's not asking him to whisper or sit in total silence, just be considerate about their baby and the OP. It's not difficult, unless of course you just like an arguement?

Have you tried leaving a radio on quietly in her room or just outside it? My 1st had very sensitive hearing and woke at the sound of a pin drop, worrying she was missing out on something. My DH is partly deaf but won't accept it or do anything about it, so he makes the most horrendous noise when he's banging about. You have my total sympathy. Our DDs wear headphones when in bed so it doesn't disturb them and I have to close our bedroom door and either leave the radio or a fan on to tune my hearing out. I've just accepted that he can't understand or hear how noisy he is. You do need to try and get your OH to have his hearing tested........... DH had a perforated eardrum when he was young and he had to have plastic surgery to repair the hole. It left him with really bad tinnitus and that has hugely affected his hearing in the last 10 years. I'd get it checked before having to deal with the possibility that he's just a noisy selfish arse..........!!

A good man who insults you when you ask him to be quieter? Right.

Can I ask what the insults are please?

I've asked him to have it checked (but his whole family is quite loud) I don't think he makes the noise on purpose which is why getting him to change is hard as he thinks I'm. Just having a go.
I put ewan on but recently she will wake if I open her bedroom door so I don't reset him. Last night I left her fan on to disguise the noise but it didn't work
I have thought about giving him the monitor because it lights up when noises are made obviously being in her room it's picking up on excessive noise elsewhere. However I may have told a little white lie that I can see her stirring on the monitor. I can't always as such...

This is a sleep board, not AIBU

I know. I spend most of my time on mumsnet posting in the Sleep board. I'm a regular here helping these ladies, including the op.

I don't think he makes the noise on purpose which is why getting him to change is hard as he thinks I'm. Just having a go

Could there be a compromise?

He doesn't agree with you that he's making excessive noise so doesn't feel he should be (in his view) excessively silent all evening. Your views of normal noise are different.

How about an agreement that he will be quieter for a set amount of time each evening. Not all night. As a means to test your theory.

How old is the baby?

We will see how we get on tonight. Baby is 9mo.

I thought we had made progress I suggested ways other half could be quieter. He seemed to ignore me. I suggested getting ready for bed downstairs to avoid the upstairs clanging around then he said he would sleep down there. I am not asking him to do that