Other half wakes baby EVERY NIGHT. Groundhog day

[firsttimemum15]

My other half is by no stretch of the imagination a quiet person. Bangs around a lot.

Every night he has been waking baby up but refuses to accept it. He always stays up later than us or is out on a night when he comes back in he crashes and clings around so much so that baby wakes up but he will not accept it.

We live in a small open plan ish house (eg no door from stairs to living room.) Baby's room is above kitchen.

I will wash up after tea and leave anything else until morning but he will bang about despite my repeated requests.

I honestly feel like I'm losing my mind as every morning now and every single night we are having the same argument but he will not discuss it like an adult just resorts to childish insults and then says "I'll be quiet" it never changes.

This has being going on a month. Before that for one reasons or another baby wasn't really in own room as we were away a lot.

When I went to my parents she did big stretches in own room there as they have bigger house and her room is quiet.

Daughter can sleep in day with noise but my argument is that she's used to sleeping with noise in the day and it's different at night. As it would be for adults I suppose I can sleep with noise in the day... but not at night. I'd wake up.

He says she needs to learn. My argument is how can she learn if he won't let her practice.

I've asked him to sleep at his mums one night so I can see whether I'm right... he won't.

I end up so angry and my anger just bubbles away while I'm. Say feeding her and trying to get her back in the cot that I bring her in our bed because we both get some sleep.

He then has the audacity to say "you need to just persevere getting her in her own cot. Just stay up and get her back don't bring her in our bed"

My back hurts and I don't sleep properly when Co sleeping but this just angers me even more because it would be a lot easier for me to persevere with getting her in her own room if she woke up naturally and I wasn't dwelling on him being a noisy prat and waking her up.

My anger is just bubbling away and we are arguing a lot. I feel like since having a baby my life has changed inexplicably and his just has not....

Yep. I've also been told it's my fault. It's not it's his. She's asleep until he crashes about like a bull in a China shop.

However I'm not about the blame game I just need changes to be made...

What would happen if went to stay with family for awhile? Would he realise how upset you are?

It's meant to take little ones two weeks to get used to a new routine. Your husband needs to start putting baby to bed at night while you have a nice relaxing glass of wine far enough away that you can't hear it. Surely it took you more than a couple of weeks to nail it... He'll need the time and space to learn it to and for your baby to get used to the new routine (eg bath from whoever at 6pm, quiet play until 6.30 or 7pm (be consistent) then they lie in bed for their choice of 1 from a range of 4 favourite 5-10 min bedtime stories read by dad, then dad sits outside the door saying only the occasional "go to sleep please" for as long as it takes. You need to go away and let that happen.

Then come night time waking, baby will accept his presence for resettling and he'll understand that he is just as capable as you to do it.

Once you're in bed, it really should be his responsibility until he also goes to bed. Your responsibility if he's gone to sleep before you.

She won't just go to bed like that. She has milk. I feed her to sleep _this isn't a thread for the oh no don't do that opinions

_I'm quite happy with this for now. Crack one thing at a time. She wouldn't just go in the cot and go to sleep that would be hell for us all but it does take me a good few hours to get her to bed another reason why I am so cross.

Yes we already have a nice routine. Bath. Story milk and nursery rhymes. X

How old is the baby?

I would work on baby getting back to sleep independantly. Then it wouldn't matter what woke her, she'd go back to sleep.

I would hate any suggestion that my DH should go and live elsewhere.

I have to be honest, the overwhelming feeling I get from your posts op is bitter resentment.

You're right. I am resentful. I'm not asking him to live elsewhere just sleep at his mums for one night to see if it makes a difference

I've tried resetting in cot. It just doesn't work for us
People who can do that are very lucky I'm lucky because I have my daughter but she just won't sleep like that at the moment.

SHe only won't go to sleep like that because it's never been done. If you fed last feed at 6pm unrelated to sleep, then settled later without, she would go to sleep without being fed. It takes time to adjust but millions around the world do just this. I don't feel you can complain about something your Dh could help with but you are preventing

Nah that is bollocks. My DS self settles at bedtime and if he wakes during the night but if a sudden noise wakes him he is very upset and it takes ages for him to settle again.

It is utter bollocks the problem would be solved by her learning to self settle

she just won't sleep like that at the moment.

I'm not suggesting she has to sleep like that. Adjusting your expectations and shifting where the 'blame' lies would help you feel less resentful though.

Your DDs inability to settle to sleep independantly is a bigger issue here then your husband making (what seems to be pretty normal amounts of household) noise.

My best advice for your situation would be to just embrace co-sleeping and family sleeping. This blame and resentment will eat away at you. It really, really usnit your husband's fault that your DD is a light sleeper. Sleep deprivation is hard. You need to be a team and support each other through it. Blaming each other won't help you. At all.

Rozdeek

How old is you DS?

OP - how olds yours?

He's 7 months.

I dint mind Co sleeping but my back hurts and I do like my own space I do want baby to be ok in own crib. She isn't a light sleeper
I can wash up and clean up no bother

Thanks rozdeek glad I'm not the only one. The way my daughter goes to sleep isn't the issue and it's not a thread for that. She would definitely sleep longer if not woken up

Rozdeek - the reason your DS needs help to settle in the night is his age. At 7 months your DS could be beginibg tp develop habits tgat encourage independant settling though, ready for the coming months.

It is NOT utter bollocks that independant settling (not the same thing as self settling) is a key skill needed for babies and toddlers to get back to sleep when they wake.

OP - how old is baby?

I agree it's an important skill. I don't agree it's the reason the op's baby finds it hard to go back to sleep after being woken by a loud noise!

I find it hard to get back to sleep myself if woken by a loud noise.

We taught my DS to self settle at bedtime, I agree it's important.

I'm not actually sure you read my post, I said my DS does self settle .

I do want baby to be ok in own crib

That's ok. You can do that too. I'm also not a cosleeping fan. The alternate is harder work though, the time you spend settling baby while you are next to the cot.

I kept baby's cot in my room until 12 months for that very reason. I wanted baby to settle in the cot, but didn't want to be getting up at all times of the night for settling.

Would it be feasible to bring babys cot/crib into your room? It's about making life as easy for yourself as possible.

(I noticed the January 2016 post natal thread I your posting history, so I assume baby is 9-10 months old ish)

I read your post perfectly well Rozdeek

Going back to noise issue, there is no reason to expect yourself or your husband to refrain from normal household noise while baby is asleep.

Let's imagine in 10 years time you have another baby (maybe you have several by then). Your DD will be a big 10 year old by then. She is likely to be up and awake past her baby sibling going to bed at night. She may be coming home from Guides/swimming/football/whatever later. Getting a drink and a snack. Certainly if you have several children life will carry on as normal when baby is asleep.

It is wholly unreasonable and unfair to expect whispering silence from the rest of your family (of just you and DH with your first child) when baby sleeps. This includes early evening. While shouting and screaming is a different matter, closing doors, flushing toilets and putting away pots is not.

Can you try recording him when he comes in? So that you can play it back and he actually HEARS how fucking noisy he is? I think I'd give that a go.

It's not about the baby having to learn to cope with his fucking inconsiderate ways, it's about him learning to be a FATHER and have some consideration for his baby!!

Arsehole that he is.

Yes but what is op supposed to DO? How is she supposed to make her baby not wake up when loud noises are made?

I'm the oldest of 5 and I remember v clearly as a child being shushed when the baby (of which there were many) was asleep.

It is wholly unreasonable and unfair to expect whispering silence from the rest of your family (of just you and DH with your first child) when baby sleeps

It is wholly unreasonable for a grown man to make enough noise to wake up a sleeping baby in a different room, knowing that he won't be the one to settle her.

Yes but what is op supposed to DO?

I've already answered the OP with several different suggestions. The key thing not to do is blame DH for making normal household noise, cos that's not really going to help at all.

I'm the oldest of 5 and I remember v clearly as a child being shushed

I've got 4. DC1 got so used to silence sleeping that she would wake at the stop of a pin. When DC1 came along I learnt from that and he would sleep in an idea basket right next to the tv, toddler chaos all around, from being newnorn. Suffice to say he will sleep thro anything (which created it's own problems with nughttine toileting).

DC4 is now 2. Others are 7, 10 and 12. They have extra curricular stuff, friends over, sleepover, competitive (and loud) games, football watching, music on and everything else that happens in busy households - all while toddler sleeps.

Yes i shush then if being unreasonably loud. Yelling at Fifa and screaming at each other mainly. But I don't shush thier normal behaviour. That would be completely unfair on older siblings. They have every right to a normal life with or without a baby sibling.

OP doesn't have to do anything to stop baby waking. But she could change how baby is put to sleep so baby isn't Only able to settle by being breastfed as that then eliminates any help her Dh can give. Changing how baby settles to sleep means her Dh can resettle if he wakes the baby. And that's not leaving baby to cry, and can be in baby own cot if wanted. It's reading story, striking baby back, soothing shh shh noises, rocking or holding if needed.

The key thing not to do is blame DH for making normal household noise

But it sounds like it's not normal household noise, that's her point - he's being excessively loud. She's already said that she washes up etc when the baby's sleeping without that waking her up.