Need my baby taken away

[peaceloveandbiscuits]

Can't cope anymore. He's 21mo, has been in some sort of sleep regression for over a month. The past week in particular I've been getting snatches of an hour at a time, and now he has a cold so it's even worse. He won't respond to sleep training the way he has in the past. Nothing seems to work. I can't cope with being screamed at and hit all day because he's so tired, and then screamed at all night because he won't sleep. I'm so tired. I wish someone would take him away from me just for a while, so I could sleep and feel strong enough to deal with him.

Oh gosh that does sound difficult

I'm sure you have tried plenty, my DS went through a minor spurt a bit like this, I just let him sleep in my bed for a while.

Is there any family or friends that could take him for a couple of hours so you could actually sleep?

No, they are all too far away. DH is very good but he's at the end of his tether as well. I kept saying I would crack up if I didn't get a break and I think I finally have tonight? I feel suicidal.

Sleep deprivation is utter torture.
Have you got anyone who could have him even just for a night? If DS staying elsewhere isnt an option could anyone come to yours to babysit and let you get some sleep? It's amazing what even one good nights sleep can do. You need to break the cycle.

Last year I wasn't coping and said he'd have to be put into care, but things finally got better at the beginning of summer this year. But now I'm back at rock bottom and he deserves better.

It's hell. You have my sympathies. At my most sleep deprived state with DS I booked a day of annual leave and organised childcare. I spent all day in bed sleeping and felt about a million times better. Anyway you could do similar? Sometimes a break does the world of good.

No proper advice since DD1 was a terrible sleeper til 3 & Dd2 was an amazing newborn & is rubbish now - just sympathy. Sleep deprivation is shit & grumpy toddler on top sucks.
Has he always been a bad sleeper or is it just a recent problem??
I've gone for the laid back (lazy) approach with Dd2 who is 2 next month & I just let her sleep in with me when she wakes up at 12/1/2.
Olbas oil on pillow, vicks on feet with socks, calpol at the slightest vague hint of a temperature.
Have you got any family or friends who could have him for a few hours at all? Or a babysitter just to get you out of the house??

Sorry cross post.

Could you and DH do the night in shifts for a little while? Just so you can get more than an hour at a time.

I don't know about this age, but I know the I'm going to break with tiredness feeling. Does he go to nursery? Would that be an option for one or two mornings a week to give you a break?
I also often see people here recommending speaking to your HV about surestart. I'm not quite sure what it is, but it seems to be for helping.
In the meantime, I would do whatever works to get you through tonight with the most sleep for everyone, even if that's one of you on the sofa and baby in your bed.
Do you have all baby Vicks and that? Can you or DH sit in a steamy shower room with him for a bit?
Hope you manage a bit of kip. It will get better eventually.

Everyone I know around here has their own toddler and issues, my mother isn't helpful (and far away), ILs are in their 70s and might keel over if they caught a cold off him. I just keep praying it's a phase he will grow out of as quickly as it came on.

One of you sleep, the other take him to McDonald's for a milkshake/coffee. Obviously the coffee for the adult. Even a two hour solid nap will take the edge off. Call in sick tomorrow, piggyback sleep in four hour spells with OH and get onto the HV.

Where in the country are you? Times like this occasionally us MNers can pull some help out the bag.

I am on the sofa. I can't co-sleep because I'm on meds and he always falls out of bed with me, will end up killing himself one night. He doesn't seem to do that with DH so they are there now and I'm on the sofa. He's always been an horrific sleeper since birth, but things were looking up in the last six months.
Thanks for talking me down.
He doesn't go to nursery, it's just him and me day in day out. I don't have the first clue how to organise putting him in nursery and whether they would want him less than full time. We wouldn't be able to afford more than a day a week.

Hells bells that's awful.

I'd agree with ringing your HV. Can't hurt and may help. If no joy, maybe your GP?

I've seen a lot of recommendations on here for Sitters. I looked into working for them and they will only take experienced child carers. I don't know if they will take the baby out, but at least they could take the baby and you go to bed for a bit?

There's a reason sleep deprivation is used to torture prisoners. It's absolutely horrid. You and your DH need to work as a team, and like the others have said one takes him out whilst the other sleeps. I hope you get better advice soon.

Lots of nurseries would allow you to do two afternoon or morning sessions a week, the equivalent of a day. It would give you a much needed break. I'd start googling local nurseries and ring some tomorrow and go and visit some. You need the break and you might even find with the extra stimulation he sleeps better at night too.

Talk to friends or health visitor about local nurseries. Lots will do part time. A break, even for half days, will give you space to rest or do something for yourself . I do feel for you and things always seem worse at night . Hope you get some sleep .

I don't drive so that would be a lot of midnight trips to McDs for DH I'm going to beg him to call in sick tomorrow, but I doubt he will because he's on AL next week. We're going on holiday (in the UK) but I'm just dreading it because he's even less likely to sleep there.

Oh OP, sleep deprivation is the worst. Nursery would definitely take him for less than full time. I've worked in lots and there's always many children there for only a day or two.
Where about in country are you - feel free to Pm if you prefer. I'm happy to look up nurseries in your area and send you details as the sleep deprivation fog can even make boiling the kettle feel too much sometimes I understand that.

for you, hope you get some respite on the sofa tonight.

I'd look for a local childminder for a couple of mornings a week. As much as you can afford.

This weekend go away. Hotel if you can afford it, friends if you can't (childless friends with a quiet house!). Tell DH it's that or you're going to fall apart.

Sleep. Everything else can wait. Just sleep.

I cross posted with you.

You know what I'd do. Each of you go to the holiday place, on your own, for half the week while the other one looks after DS at home. I know you don't drive but you can get a train. You need time out & SLEEP. If DH doesn't feel the need to have time on his own you could alone for a few days then they could join you.

I'm in NW Surrey. Moved away from our families to this godforsaken hell hole 8 years ago because DH works here.

I will look at nurseries and childminders tomorrow.

Thanks everyone for being kind and talking me down from the edge. I feel much calmer.

Short term - turn your phone off & go to sleep. If you've got headphones/earplugs so that you don't hear him wake up with dh so much the better.
Medium term - look on council website for nurseries. Depends where you are but most places here would let you do whatever combination of hours you want providing it's in sessions - 2 x mornings might be better than 1 full day for example. Go & visit them and see. No commitment from asking.

Do you get out of the house to park/playgroups/softplay etc. If either of my 2 are grumpy I find a change of scenery/fresh air helps enormously. Also wears them out - even if it's only a short sleep in the buggy or car it feels like a break from whining!
Be kind to yourself - a couple of days of cbeebies won't kill him if it means you can take a break.
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Bugger I'm not close to you or I'd have helped.

One thing that SAVED me is a very simple brain trick. A lot of the time, the panic and anger and stress and tiredness comes from expecting to sleep and then being disappointed. If you accept that your fucked up sleep pattern is the new normal then it becomes less daunting.

So for example, say you always go to bed at 11pm. Scrap that. Go to bed at 8pm. Then if ds wakes at 11, don't expect to go back to bed and fight to settle him. Get up. Make a tea. Go downstairs and pop tv on. Read him a book. Almost trick yourself into saying, it's fine, it's not a big deal.

It sounds ridiculous but it virtually saved my life.

I've also been known to drive around the lanes at 3am until kids fall asleep in their car seats, then lie the passenger seat right back and sleep in the car on the driveway. Desperate times....

Just to follow on from the advice you've had - how many bedrooms do you have? Dd1 still doesn't sleep through at almost 4, and wants someone in with her the whole time. It was killing us (and knackering my back) having to lay on a cold bedroom floor next to her cotbed waiting for her to go to sleep every night. So we replaced it with a double. Now one of us usually DH goes in with her when she wakes in the night - it's a case of just bed hopping rather than an actual wake up - sort out - back to bed which takes ages even when you don't fall asleep on the bedroom floor holding their hand!

Also, I find it easier to cope with one really crappy night followed by one good night of sleep rather than months and months of broken nights. So maybe take it in turns nightly rather than per wake up with your DH? That way you're both getting a little rejuvenating sleep.

And finally, I completely concur with the advice to get out and about when you're awake - and when he naps, maybe do it together on your bed so that you both get a bit of shut eye!