I want to hurt my baby

[ShameOhShame]

It's been another shitty night in a row, waking up every 1-2hours, crying fussy baby, takes ages to put him down to sleep, same thing days and nights, fucking hours of rocking the bastard to sleep only for him to scream suddenly and wake up again, I've had enough, I'm on my knees with exhaustion, I love him when I'm awake and trying to function normally but at night when he wakes me yet another time I fucking hate him, I hate him I hate him I hate him, I have to put him down before I do something terrible to him, I want to leave my house in my pyjamas in the middle of the night and never return, I want to leave him in the street for someone else to take care of him, I want to call my health visitor and tell her that I'm thinking about killing my baby and myself cause I won't be able to live with that so the ss take him away for ever, the worst thing is it's true, I want to put an end to it, I'm fucking exhausted I just can't do it any more, I wanted this baby so much and here I am now talking about killing him but he will kill me with exhaustion otherwise so it's me or him really, no one cares how I feel in all this, I need to protect myself, he's thriving while I'm wasting away

You've had plenty of good advice here so I just wanted to chip in to say: it DOES get better! It really does. I remeber having feelings like you describe with my DD who was a horrible sleeper from about 3 months until she was almost 1. Now, finally, she sleeps through most nights, 7-7 and honestly I feel so much love for her. I always loved her of course but hearing blood-curdling screams at 2am when I had just got back to sleep after a feed and she seemed to be asleep made me feel intense boiling rage at times. I never remeber feeling that way with my son who was a much better sleeper.

Now though she is just the most adorable little girl and I can't even imagine feeling like such anger towards her. So you'll get past this phase and feel better eventually. And your DH definitely needs to step up!

Please don't berate the OP for saying she wants to hurt her baby. Sleep deprivation is torture - she's coming here to vent and get advice.

OP, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I used to feed my babies in bed at night so I didn't have to get up - is this a possibility at all? My oldest dd needed a lot of rocking and my DH would get up and share the load with me even though he had to work so I don't think you're unreasonable to expect that. We work too in the day!

So here I am re-settling ds alone while dh left for his work's Christmas party. Fair enough it had been planned a long time ago. But it took him 1 hour to prepare which means he couldn't hold ds for 5 minutes to let me have dinner in peace. I know. I asked. I had to put ds to sleep, quickly swallow ny dinner and go back to ds who had woken up in the meantime. All the while dh was preparing to go out.

I slept exactly 1hr in the afternoon before ds woke up screaming because he was hungry. Fed him. Made dinner for myself. Hoovered (I had to clean my head by cleaning the floor). Dh was playing with ds during that time but handed him back to me to start preparations for his work do. So the hard bit is on me again.

When he was leaving I asked which shift he wanted to take - what time could I bring ds to the spare room. He was very surprised by the question as: 1. He had no idea what time he would go back as he had planned to go out to town after the Christmas party so what was the point of planning it. 2. He would be drinking and, as he pointed out helpfully, I was the one who had told him he should not cosleep with ds and me after a night out (danger of rolling on the baby when drunk). When I suggested he might not get drunk as a skunk but limit his drinks he dismissed it as a joke. It's a Christmas party after all. 3. He said it wasn't the best idea to start 'this shift thing' tonight. Yes. After all that happened tonight.

Please tell me is it me who's unreasonable or him? I just can't figure out how someone could behave this way seemingly without bad intentions - can anyone really be so stupid???

So I told him I was thinking about divorce. He would then HAVE TO take exclusive care of ds one afternoon a week and every weekend and I could do whatever pleases me. Like sleep. And sleep some more. I outlined how much better mentally I would be then. He was shocked. Came to me before leaving and said that I could obviously bring ds to him when he's back from his night out but couldn't tell me how this would work with him being drunk.

I'm not bringing ds anywhere. Not risking his life leaving him with a drunk careless father. I don't expect anything from dh any more at that stage. But here is my Saturday night. Oh so much fun. Maybe I should read about divorce procedure to make it even more fun?

Why only one afternoon and a weekend? Why not 3.5 days a week? Then he'd really be up shit creek. Put the wind up him.

It really isn't you! He is being a dick and needs to grow up and be a parent.

Don't take the baby in tonight as you won't sleep with worry, but persist and he needs to step up tomorrow night to make up for it.

I know exactly how you feel. If you can channel your frustration with the baby into fake smiling and false cheeriness it helps a bit as turn you don't feel so much self-loathing. But it sounds like this is more about anger at your DP than at the baby, really.

Sleep as much as you can this evening!

*jw but that's how it feels, when you are living with a non sleeping on the verge of PND nightmare.

It isn't logical, but please please don't make it any worse for,her by telling her off for her feelings. It's not nice, and it seems unpalatable for anyone who hasn't been there themselves. Telling her off for feeling that way is very unhelpful.*

As much as I want to understand, I think when it gets to that level the op needs outside help. I don't want to come across mean, it's just disturbing to hear a mum say such things.

does your dh really get how desperate you are?

have you shown him this thread?

am worried for you op.

can you go and stay with your parents?

Hmmm I'm not so sure he is out of order with the work night out. But I don't think the OP is either. After all he does deserve some social time too. That been said he needs to stop dismissing OPS exhaustion, he's being selfish. If I was you OP I'd give him a chance to step up and if he doesn't go stay with a relative who will help you till things improve. That would put the frighteners on him.

I think a compromise would be that tomorrow you get to catch up on your sleep and do some things you enjoy too op whiles your DH takes care of the baby. That way tonight you won't be as frustrated with sleep deprivation as you know come morning he can take over. If he doesn't help, then leave till he sees sense.

Jw just because you haven't felt it doesn't make it disturbing. What a terrible thing to say to someone in such obvious distress.

Wow. So after last night and you losing it he's going to get drunk and not take his shift. Not quite sure what to say. Sympathies, OP. This man sounds like a selfish teenager.

Can't believe he went out to the party still.

have you tried formula in a cup instead of a bottle. There's special cups. Doidy cups???

Much sympathy OP. Random suggestion but this worked for us- can you take one side of baby's cot and push it up tight to your bed so you can feed him without getting up. He'll pass out when he's had enough milk and you should hopefully be able to doze back off with little disruption. Just a thought.

I don't actually think he's out of order going to his work do. But he could refrain from getting drunk.

JP: it's people like you with your judgemental views that prevent mums who are struggling from accessing the help they need. I'm sorry, but there it is. Yes of course it's not rational to be angry at a small baby who can't help it. But at 4am, on your tenth waking (if indeed you got to sleep at all), on top of months of bad sleep, when your mind and body are crying out for sleep...funnily enough, your ability to be rational is somewhat impaired!

The OP knows that it isn't good to have these feelings. She came here to be supported, not told off. She's been brave enough to be honest with us. I'm so sick of being told how I should and shouldn't feel as a mum. At best it's unhelpful, at worst it's cruel.

I can remember the utter desperation of sleep deprivation. My dh used to put DD in a sling and go for long walks so I could get a block of sleep early evening. He would also do an early morning shift so I could get another block of sleep.it passed by the time she was 6 months. He also had a very responsible job as a hcp but still managed to do this for our child.

He shouldn't have gone on my opinion. You have reached your limit and you need his support. NOW.

You mentioned visiting your family OP, is there any chance to see them earlier? I feel for you, sleep deprivation is just horrendous

I think after what you've told him today he us bang out of order going out and my fella agrees.
Can you get someone else to come stay with you tonight and help you?

And I agree all rational thought goes out the window. It can be bloody frightening.

Ds waking up after 5 minutes of lying in his cot. I'm at wake-up number 4 now, relentlessy rocking and whispering. He better stays in my arms at he can at least sleep. But that means I cannot shower tonight.

I have one hand free to answer a few questions.

1. Our current set-up is a cot with one side down attached to our bed. We started with ds in the bed for the first 3 months and I fed him lying down and sleeping after the initial 2 mins. But I was tired of ds demanding food every 1-2hrs and waking up if I dared turn on my back so moved him in the cot, 30cms further. He slept longer but I had to stay awake during feed for the transfer. Now he latches lazily (often unplugging during milk let down which results in soaked ds, my pajama and the bed sheets) so I need to keep an eye on him plus if I move 1cm he wakes up and is difficult to settle down.

1. Self settling is non existent. A few times I left him crying in his cot in desperation as I felt my anger build up and needed to step away. He cries. And cries. And cries. Gets quickly hysterical, red, sweaty and barely breathing between cries. It only gets worse. I think my maximum was 10mins? And I run back to pick him up as I was worried about him.

1. He will focus on a video for max. 5mins so no snooze time for me. Plus I don't really want him to watch screens at 4 minths old

1. Daytime naps were funnily easier when he was a newborn as I knew he would sleep 2hrs straight. Now I never know if it's going to be 1.5hrs or 20 mins and I'm woken up by a baby screaming in my ear in anger, not letting me calm him down otherwise than by walking with him, I'm confused, kicked out of my deep sleep, having to face ds' anger or distress... It is honestly worse than not sleeping at all.

1. Middle-of-the-night nappy change is mandatory - ds has gas problems so will grunt and kick and cry until someone gives him a belly rub, help release the gas (and an enormous poo which follows) and clean all the mess. Yes, every night without fail.

1. Grotbag - I am so sorry for your situation. I fully empathise.

I was where you are. I remember once screaming at DD 'you little fucker' when she woke up after not long being asleep. DP let me lie in every weekend but the nights were down to me. Only the breast would soothe her. By Thursday I was murderous and hated the world and everybody in it. I was a screaming harridan, silently crying behind my sunglasses. It was mid winter.

DD didn't take a bottle or a dummy. Have you tried spoon feeding expressed milk? That was suggested to me. I also tried disguising it in a sock. Browns bottles were also suggested as a good bet as the teats were more like nipples.

I had every sodding sleep book ever written, little good they did me as she was too young to be sleep trained. We tried at six months but she cried so much she was sick and I just felt like the worst ever. We eventually used a sleep clinic at 13 months.

I used industry standard ear plugs, the pink and yellow ones from Amazon. I could still hear her but the intensity was blocked. Very loud white noise helped, as did VERY firm back stroking and then keeping her held in one of those rolls that prevent babies from rolling onto their front. This made her feel secure, I think. You need DP on board and to have as much sleep at weekends as possible. It WILL get better. I can't quite believe he has put getting drunk before helping you tonight when you are on your knees. That would be a well deserved "fucker' from me.

Agree that sleep deprivation makes you feel insane, literally.

I will never have another child because it was that bad, I couldn't go through it again.

I wish there was something I could do for you, OP.

Oh yes white noise can really help! I still use it sometimes with my 23 month old if she's struggling. I read it needs to be as loud as if somebody was having a shower in the corner of the room. There are a few really good apps. Have you tried white noise OP? Sounds mad but it really worked to soothe my daughter when she woke up.

Regarding the Christmas party I didn't expect dh to stay at home but it would be thoughtful to come home at a reasonable time or limit the alcohol intake in order to do his share of caring for his son especially in light of last few days. He didn't offer (why would he? That would surprise me) and when I suggested it I was dismissed.

And you know what pisses me the most? When I said I was considering a divorce his first reaction was 'Why are you telling me that now when I'm going to the Christmas party?' (!!!!!!! Because you're being a wanker NOW) I said 'Fuck the Christmas party!' And he asked 'What do you mean fuck the Christmas party?'

I feel like explaining things in ancient Greek to him. He's so clueless and I'm so tired.

He always thinks about himself first and how this will influence his fun time.

Jw just because you haven't felt it doesn't make it disturbing. What a terrible thing to say to someone in such obvious distress.

It makes it disturbing to me. I disagree it's a terrible thing to say. These thoughts shouldn't be normalised. The op needs outside help. If you read my original full comment you will notice I also sympathised with the op and gave advice.