High Needs baby support thread

[LittlePixieMa]

Any of this familiar?

1 baby needs to be constantly held
2 feeds frequently during the day
3 feeds or comfort sucks through the night
4 won't sleep alone
5 HATES the pram and/or car seat
6 takes short naps
7 doesn't like being held / left with others
8 gets bored or over stimulated very quickly

Feeling exhausted and want some support from others with spirited fussy babies

If so join the club

Purple how did the cot nap go?!!!!!

Nails will be interested in the HV sleep plan. I'm dubious about HVs, they tend to like sleep training, 99% of which is cruel. Hopefully she'll give you a no cry easy method!!!

Nails hope HV is helpful, mine is an idiot who thinks baby rice is the answer for everything.

purple how was the cot nap?!

We slept in til 7:30 this morning, however we had extended wake ups at 11:30pm and 4am and DH has been working from home today and generally pissing me off.

We're going to stay at the inlaws in a couple of weeks and I'm back to slinging DS to sleep in the evening through the current sleep regression we seem to be experiencing, which is fine by me, but MIL has a real issue with it and I'm dreading her unpleasant remarks when we are there. I don't want to go.

My HV is pretty useless too...interested to hear plan nails.

Naps are still short here, but awake time seems a bit longer! We're still up at 5 every morning...

Hi ladies, can I join you?

I'm a mum to a 6 month old little monkey who ticks all the boxes for a HN baby! She has demanded (loudly) to be held since day 1, is either deliriously happy or screaming, is a crap sleeper etc. etc.

Has anyone had any experience with sleep consultants that have experience with these types of babies? Everything I read applies to babies of calmer temperament who can be soothed by a bit of shooshing and patting (not a chance that would work here)!!

Welcome to the madhouse mad sorry that's lame but I'm tired!! I've read a lot of Sarah Oakley Smith and it seems the best thing is to be guided by your baby. They all eventually sleep better. There's no such thing as a sleep problem, it's us adults who have the problem, plus society puts a lot of pressure on us, how many times are we asked 'does your baby sleep through?' Urm no, my baby is clever and has more chances of survival if he wakes a zillion times a night, he'll see the approaching lion!!

I've had a yucky virus the last day, all in my sinus' so been all woozy feeling. DS is ultra fussy too, just what you want when you feel blurghhhhhh!!!

Get well soon pixie.

Welcome mad. I know a couple of people who've used sleep consultants but to be honest it involved crying and I can't bring myself to do that. I've read th gentle sleep book pixie refers to above which did really help me to understand why ds still wakes umpteen times a night and reassured me that it will improve when he is developmentally ready. That's what I'm clinging onto anyway!

Sorry to hear you are still up before dawn Db4d. We had about 4 weeks of 5am waking but the last 2 mornings have been more sensible and 7am ish, I hope I haven't just jinxed it for tomorrow. I slinged (slung?) him to sleep the last 2 nights so I don't know if that has any correlation? I slinged him to sleep tonight too. I stopped doing it at Christmas cos he was suddenly easier to put down in the evening but that all went to shit in the last week so rather than turn bedtime into a battle I thought I should go back to doing what I know works. My mil will be thrilled.

Anyone doing anything nice this weekend?

Well, I chickened out of the nap hangs head in shame DD was so cosy on me and we were both so comfortable, I couldn't face the potential disruption! I know, bad Purple. I need stamina and will power but they aren't around when you're this tired!

Not looking good tonight. Second waking so far. Got through first waking determined not to feed her and felt a bit triumphant as I put her back in the cot. Spoke too soon - on her second waking I just could not be fcked rocking her so have just fed her I'm so rubbish!

Feeling a little down about it tonight. I don't understand why she finds it so hard to settle? You'd think I was putting her down on a bed of nails, not a comfy cot complete with Sleepyhead and her favourite toy! Just wondering when it's all going to change. It has to...right? Right??

Off to lakes district this weekend with family. Where I shall be equally judged for sling naps Essie! How about everyone else?

Thanks pixie & essie, I'll take a look at the book. My DH & I actually joke that on the African Savannah DD would be the one baby left standing amongst our friends given she's rarely not attached to me!

Yes, society is half the problem as I'm always getting asked those questions. We tried to get her in her own cot last Friday using a supposedly gentle method but I think the distance from me was to distressing for her/us all (we gave up before midnight!). Deep down I know that time will improve things, I think more of the problem is me worrying about trying to do the best thing for DD (both now and in preparation for nursery), and trying to please society/family as I'm 'making a rod...' etc.

Hi mad, welcome! I have read a bit on sleep consultants, there's one called Ann Caird I read about on MN. She apparently doesn't do cc, cio etc. I third the gentle sleep book!

Well, it's getting worse here! DD woke a few times in the night but was up ready to play and practice her crawling and standing at 3.50am!! I'm standing in the kitchen swaying with her in the sling now.... Urghh it's gona be a long day. DP got up with her at 4.30 for a bit, probably a mistake but I needed rest!

I know exactly what you mean purple how are we meant to implement anything when were this knackered! I'm just muddling through all the time hoping it'll get better on its own...

I've got a wedding to attend alone in April, it's not nearby either so I don't know what'll happen there. DD will only settle with boob.

Hope you feel better soon pixie

Hey all just a quickie re sleep

I was also stressed about sleep mad and thought I should try harder to help him sleep in a cot and not wake so much, then this was said to me-

Humans are essentially born too early (due to the size of their heads). Unlike other mammals they cannot walk, feed themselves etc. Therefore it is 100% natural for them to need to be close and sleep close.

Secondly, how many other animals shove there young away to sleep? Most animals ie puppies sleep latched on or snuggled again their mothers.

Humans have become so far removed from what is natural.

Thirdly. High needs babies are the clever ones. All mammal hierarchies need a leader, who has a very strong survival instinct..... Our babies would have been the tribal leaders, as they would have easily survived and not been eaten by a wolf.

Not so much a quickie!

Back later
X

Hi mad

Yep pixie agree with you. Plus most of Japan cosleeps and they have very low rates of cot death compared to Western countries. Totally normal and expected there. It's interesting isn't it what our cultural expectations are of a baby?

DS refused to be put to bed yesterday before he had practised standing up clinging on to our headboard, hitting it with his hand and shouting 'mumumumum!'. After that he was done and ready to sleep.

Don't let people judge you for sling naps - you know what's best for your baby! Everyone is quite rightly an expert on their own child. Therefore grandparents do not necessarily know best due to experience.

I was lucky in that my grandma (88) when we stayed with her was all, 'ooh isn't that lovely, he's all close to you. We didn't have anything like that in my day! He's right where he belongs. Lucky boy.' - so you can always substitute her words in when anyone's being negative about a sling!

Thanks decaf, pixie & captain. What you all say makes a lot of sense! I just worry about how tough the transition to nursery is going to be for her in a few months time if we carry on like we are. But...things can change (and babies are adaptable), so maybe we'll just go with the flow for a while before reassessing!

I love you lot and your babies because you make me realise I'm not alone! Our babies are awesome and know how to survive. God knows they are going to need that determination. My Mum made a v good point today. Babies are surviving exclusively on instinct, ours is clouded and surpressed. We should give in and listen to them more.

purple no need to hang head in shame, do whatever works, path of least resistance and all that.

So tonight was a win. We went out for dinner. There is an advantage to a baby who won't go to bed and no bedtime routine whatsoever. We went to the pub with my parents (non judgemental hippies who secretly love our alternative ways of doing everything!). DS was brill. Wide awake and had to be held and carried so we took it in turns to hold him and wander around the pub chatting to people and showing him stuff. I got to eat a really nice 3 course meal sat down. Awesome. My mum entertained him in the car on the way home by showing him videos of himself on my phone. DH said when we got home it is a shame we couldn't do that with his parents as they would find ds being there and the fact we couldn't all sit down together all the time annoying and they wouldn't want to help with entertaining him. Everyone in the pub was remarking on how alert and curious he was. I was proud of him. I slinged him to sleep when I got home. Which reminds me. I've slinged him to sleep for the past 3 nights and for the past 3 mornings he's got up near 7am. Since I tried to boob/rock him to sleep since Christmas, with varying success and a fair bit of protest he'd been waking about 5am. I'm wondering if the slinging to sleep means he starts the night calmer and therfore sleeps a bit better/longer? I'm still feeding him umpteen times a night but that extra couple of hours in the morning, even with him attached to my boob, is making a vast difference to my sanity.

Anyway, sorry for waffle!

Sweet sleep everyone x

Essie, that sounds like a lovely night! Really glad you all had such a good time. Being able to do the things you once took for granted is huge isn't it?

Ok so I need some reassurance here that I am not a crap mum! We're staying at a holiday cottage with my parents, aunt and brother. First night not going well. DM made DD cry hysterically by shoving potato into her mouth. Then DF told me that DD should be napping in the same place as she sleeps at night. Then after a night of loud crying and waking from 4am DH tells me off for feeding her too much 'you're spoiling her'. So I'm sitting downstairs with a tired but awake baby pulling my hair hard, and feeling desperate. I wish I'd never breastfed. It's become a habit that now feels impossible to break. It's my only way of comforting her so I do it. I'm terrified of night weaning, I just can't see how it will happen! I have a wedding to go to in May (overnight) but I can't see how that will happen.

Sorry - feeling pretty hopeless right now and like this is all my fault.

Purple you're not a crap mum! You're a great mum and she's lucky to have you. You're absolutely not spoiling her, you're meeting her needs. You've done amazingly well to breastfeed her this far and May is three whole months away. A lot changes in three months so I wouldn't worry about that yet, see how you are closer to the time.

As to dealing with comments - ignore, ignore, ignore. You sound like a really loving and responsive mum and whatever feels right to you is the right way to do things. I know it's hard when you're getting criticised but this is not their baby, it's yours, and you get to call the shots. You literally cannot spoil a baby so little, or give her too much love or comfort

Plus, if she's crying at night and you weren't up feeding her etc, she'd be crying a lot more! And they would've known that going away with a baby involves crying at night etc. Rant away on here to us all if it helps and keep cuddling your little one.

Ah just seen it was your DH saying the spoiling comments. Tell him either to eff off with that kind of nonsense or to read up on babies' needs

And I would've been cross with someone shoving food in my DS's mouth so you're not alone there.

Can you go off for a lovely long walk with DD in the sling to get a bit of space maybe?

Thank you Captain! Really much needed and appreciated words of kindness there.

Yeah, I think DH is frustrated that he can't stop her crying so it's easiest to blame me. But I think she is teething and needs the comfort. Problem is, I have got into the habit of co sleeping part of the night and feeding her when she cries as it gives me a better night and doesn't wake DH - he doesn't know how lucky he has it! But I think that's part of the problem. I need to cut back on the night feeds, I'm being too much of a wimp.

I really am so ready to stop breastfeeding now. The plan was to stop at 6 months but we're fast heading towards 8 now! I've heard of babies who self wean and hope that my DD will be one of them! Cos that's a battle I'm dreading having to face.

It just feels like other mums I know make it look so easy whereas I struggle with getting her to sleep and getting her to eat something that isn't breast milk. It's so hard not to blame myself.

Got DD in sling now and she's finally asleep yay! But in dressing gown so can't get out for a walk. Deffo this morning though. I need fresh air and caffeine!

This group is great, the only place that people understand and don't judge our babies

Llama how awesome, so glad you had a great night out! That's great your parents were fab!

Purple. So sorry you've had a crap night. You are the opposite of a crap mum. Your an excellent mum, your meeting DDs needs which in the long run will make her a confident an happy girl. I used to think breast feeding was a bad habit for comfort but it is the most natural thing ever. Boobs are for far more than nutrition, they are meant for comfort too. Follow her lead, she knows what is right for her. Get DH to read some info on it. Also tell him not to have a drink (or whatever he does) to chill out!!! don't cut out night feeds, she probably needs them.......

kellymom.com/bf/normal/comfortnursing/

Where are you on holiday Purple?

Good night here, DS woke at 4am, 7am then up at 8.30 am - why do I still feel so tired?!!!! Got 8 months of sleep to catch up on.

The sun is shining here, so let's hope we all have a lovely day!

Just posting to say hang in there everyone. Not sure if it is encouraging or annoying to hear that my high-needs baby (now 15 months and it's been going on for about 6 weeks) has started sleeping all night. It's not a given and we still don't really believe it will last, but we're so grateful in the here and now as we Genuinely never thought this day would come.

She's still fairly full-on during the day, definitely a squawky 'leader of the pack' type but we're getting to know her little ways.

So the hell of sleep deprivation and feeling so alone will end one day and you won't know yourselves. In the meantime, loads of tea and hang in there

Yeah purple my DH can't stop DS crying sometimes either. I think sometimes they just want the security of their mum (and the comfort and snuggles of boobs) and that's okay. It must be frustrating for the dads though, I get that.

For what it's worth, we do the same as you: cosleep with sleepy feeds through the night as it gets us the most sleep. We're still breastfeeding at nine months but DS is cutting down his feeds slowly slowly as he gets more solids into him during the day. I'm planning to let him self wean, I have confidence he will as both me and my sister did as babies so it seems an expected thing for me.

I sometimes get the rage when DH says he's tired as he is no longer getting up in the night either! He does get up in the morning with DS when he wakes (usually 5-6am) so I can have a bit of a sleep alone though which is working for us at the moment.

Now where are those brownies that pixie brought in? I love brownies. On a cake related topic, I baked a massive chocolate cake this week. Except we've just put all our baking stuff in jars and I used salt instead of sugar Toooootally inedible!

PS halfstar that is really encouraging, thanks You must feel superhuman after a full nights sleep!

Thank you halfstar for the glimmer of hope.

Terrible night here. And where we are transferring him to the bottle he has developed a very lazy latch and is really hurting my nipples.

purple yes you must ignore the unhelpful remarks though I know it's easier said than done. You are her Mum and none of them could step into that role, and certainly none of them could do it better. You are doing an amazing job. Bfing is hard sometimes because it's relentless and no one can help you with it other than by being supportive, which it sounds like you could do with a bit more of. Being able to bf at night though is a gift I really think it is. It's the best way of comforting and soothing baby back to sleep so don't beat yourself up for doing it, it's what it's for! I'm going to keep going til ds weans himself. Me and my 2 siblings both did. Them before 12 months and me at 16 months apparently (hoping ds doesn't carry on quite that long!).

star thanks for the encouragement! A full nights sleep would be amazing right now, but hearing a positive story that gives me hope will do in the meantime!

captain sorry but I lolled at your baking fail. I made rice pudding the other week and forgot to put sugar in it. Gutting when you've gone to all that effort and you need cake! Did you make another one?

pixie glad you had a good night. DS decided to challenge my theory about being slung to sleep at bedtime meaning he wakes later by getting up at 5am again.

nails sorry to hear about sore nips and crap night. Hope you are ok. Hard to watch the latch when you are half asleep isn't it.