I know its long but this by BEAUTlFUL made me PMSL:
That you might get trapped wind after your C-section. This will be unbelievably painful and you'll immediately brush off the MW's Lactulose suggestion, and whimper, "It's not possibly wind, I know my womb is falling out."
That you might need to be given a suppository to release the trapped wind. This will be adminstered in your cubicle on the ward, probably in the evening when all the other Mums are silently feeding their babies, less than two feet from you behind a flimsy curtain.
That, to calm your nerves (and vainly try to release some tension from your petrified ring), your MW will narrate every stage of the suppository process. "OK, I'm just putting KY-Jelly into your anus now with my finger. Try to relax if you can. Bit more. Now, I'm pushing the suppository against your anus. I'm slipping it inside. I'm going to push it up about six inches with my finger... You're very tense."
That you'll be burning with shame, thinking, "PLEASE shut up."
That you will then hide, mortified, inside your inadequate cubicle until the suppository decides it's poopy time, then try to emerge all casually in front of the other Mums, carrying your make-up bag like you're just off to put some blusher on. You'll ignore the loo on the ward and stagger, cowboy-style, as far as your clenching cheeks can carry you up the corridor, to a loo where nobody knows you're about to have the shit of your life.
That you'll collapse on to the loo and immediately let rip a fart so explosive, it echoes off the walls, and only then will you realise you picked the loo directly opposite the MW's tea-station. And that two of them have just arrived to make tea. And that they will actually STOP TALKING, your fart was so loud.
on this very funny thread