MNHQ here: have you got strong feelings and personal experience about partners staying overnight on postnatal wards?

[RowanMumsnet]

Hello

A broadsheet journalist is looking to write a piece exploring the pros and cons of partners staying overnight on postnatal wards, and we're trying to help her out with finding some case studies of women who have personal experiences and opinions one way or the other.

If this sounds like you, please email us on [email protected] to let us know:

a) what your opinion is about partners staying overnight on wards; and
b) what your personal experience is.

Ideally, anyone featured in the piece would be comfortable with divulging some identifying details, and possibly with being photographed.

It's for a good, reputable journalist working for a broadsheet newspaper - she's keen to explore all the angles.

(If you've already contacted us about this, thanks very much - we just need to find a few more candidates and then we'll let you know how the land lies!)

Thanks
MNHQ

I see what you mean - it certainly does seem to be the case anecdotally that lots of women rely on their partners to get the basics - I certainly would not have had food if OH hadn't been there to get it.

I still think there are benefits to having partners there even if care was improved though. I dream of the hotel style Carr mentioned on a previous thread. Even a home birth would be great.

Since I'm due to give birth there again soon I've been keeping tabs on new relating to my local maternity ward and saw relatively recently that they are dedicating a team of midwives to promote women with uncomplicated pregnancies having home births? I think stuff like this is a great incentive to help with hospital overcrowding for women who do need hospitals, and to help the women who do choose to give birth at home to have a more positive burn experience.

I think maybe the partner vs no partner debate has deeper roots in the general poor standard of care and facilities available to women in this country. It's a shame it's considered so unrealistic to change this radically though.

Sorry Assassinated i was looking at this thing i wrote;

"In the hospital I'm at it is standard that partners can stay overnight and I actually thought this was NHS guidelines and available in most hospitals? I'm obviously wrong about that."

It was to a different poster, apologies.

Our local hospital has private rooms - DH stayed twice, once when I was in bits after a crash section (DS in NICU), the second time was DS' first night out of NICU, with us. I was in for a week in total. I didn't feel any need for him to stay the other nights, but I am older, probably more independent and certainly grumpier than the average mum on here. The midwives were reasonably responsive to the buzzer and only one was a total cow.

I think it is totally unacceptable for men to stay UNLESS it is in a private room. During an admission on a surgical ward for something non-maternity related, I had a morphine pump torn out of my arm by a passing junkie. I think security is already piss-poor in hospitals and admitting any old random men on demand is asking for trouble, not to mention totally inconsiderate of other women's care and privacy.

Reading all these points of view, I can fully understand why mothers who have just given birth would feel very vulnerable and prefer partners not to stay on wards. If my wife had been in an open ward I think I would have felt very awkward/intrusive if I stayed.

After the birth of our first, my wife was in a private room and I was still asked to leave once all had settled down for the night. I hated to go, but in retrospect I'm glad I did as the few hours' sleep I got at home were precious! My wife spent the whole night awake, watching over the baby.

After the birth of our second, in a wonderful midwife-led unit, we were lucky enough to be given an enormous en-suite room with a double bed for the night. My wife slept pretty well (though obviously interrupted by feeds). Obviously this was largely due to having past experience of parenthood, but I did wonder if my being there helped her to feel more secure.

I have a severe anxiety disorder which was at it's worse when my son was born so I was on the verge of a panic attack after being whisked away from my new baby and DH to be stitched up after haemorrhaging so they put me in a private room and DH stayed with me for the entire 3 days I was there.
I would not have coped without him, I just wouldn't have.
I think hospitals have to bear in mind the other issues new mums might have like this.
Dads on wards, maybe during the day sort of 7 - 7 but possibly not at night.

victoriamcdade you do sound condescending.

I have no objection in a private room, but on a shared ward it is awful.

Even during the day, I was bleeding massively, kept leaking everywhere, trying to go for a shower etc and surrounded by other peoples family. Not even just the partners, I just wanted a bit of privacy to clean myself up, every time I had to go to the bathroom covered in bloody bits in front of strangers.

Also - I have 3 kids and while my Mum and Dad were great, when no 2 and 3 were born, Dh wouldn't have stayed, he went home to be there for the older ones, who were little and feeling insecure.

But also why should the father have to miss out on the first precious hours of their child's life?

Maybe it's the hospitals that should be thinking about how they provide more privacy instead of forcing partners out.

But also why should the father have to miss out on the first precious hours of their child's life?

Because women's needs are more important than men's wants.

In an ideal world everyone would have a private room. Until that day comes- a woman's need for privacy and dignity and to not have to bump into a strange man in the loo at 2 in the morning trumps a man's need for precious moments.

We will have to agree to disagree BertrandRussell

"We will have to agree to disagree BertrandRussell"

I will never agree that men should take precedence over women-particularly when it comes to matters of pregnancy and birth. I find it deeply depressing that so many women think they should,

But also why should the father have to miss out on the first precious hours of their child's life?

Most hospitals will keep women in the labour ward or recovery suite for the first hours, where partners can stay.

Once you're on a shared postnatal ward, though - the men aren't patients. The women who've just given birth are. The hospital needs to put the patients first, because it's a hospital and that's its job.

I think it's unnecessary and I don't like it...

I'll soon have my 4th (c section - 3 nights minimum in hospital) and I love the time in hospital with my newborn. Dh can come during visiting hours! He can help once I get home!!

2 out of 3 of mine were born in the middle of the night, we stayed on delivery suite for ages, dh cuddling dc and having precious moments, he came down with me and got me settled etc and then finally went home about 5 am, I had had an epidural with dc1, and I don't think he left until I had walked to the loo for myself.
Our wards had partners and kids visiting from about 8 am to 8pm, and I foudn that hard too, just no privacy anywhere, and then from 2-4 the whole world descended on everyone.

Men DO get to share these precious moments of life, they just don't get to spend the small hours snoring away.

Honestly, it's just a romantic notion of this perfect bubble and entitlement to it. He's just seen you shit yourself and your vagina stretch to push a human out. It's not pretty, it's not dignified and it most certainly isn't romantic.

He might not even want to be there! I certainly didn't and I was the one giving birth.

No one is saying men aren't welcome or is excluding them from the process but, for the love of God, let women have a few hours peace without your husband or anyone else's.

Overnight stays only in private rooms. When I had my son partners could only stay if they were the patients carer and in that situation were given a private room (as elsewhere in the hospital). Visiting hours were 10 - 8 for partner or other named person only with a hour in pm and evening for other visitors.
I know the maternity unit is soon changing to single rooms and when that happens, partners will be allowed to stay.

oh dear... Cherries you do seem to have taken my post to heart. It was not in response to you. It was in response to Poppet, hence the use of the word 'poppet'. I wouldn't use that word on another poster unless they used it themselves as it could be seen as condescending.

But anyway, to address your comment:
'You expose your breasts in full view of a hospital ward and at the same time complain about someone seeing your breasts?'

The midwives refused to let me close the curtains, I had a catheter and was attached to monitors, so I couldn't have closed them even in if I wanted to, unless I used the Force.

So, I had two choices:

1. try to feed my new born baby (remember, first time mother, no clue as to do it) and put up with pervy guy staring at my nipples, even though I was trying to cover them
2. not feed my baby

Anyone go with number 2?

Support on the ward was minimal, the chap was there after hours as he was aggressive and the midwives wouldn't chuck him out. Imagine in there had been more than one man like that in the ward, because it was officially sanctioned.

And as for everyone who says "my fiancé would not make anyone uncomfortable etc etc. ' I bet there is no one on here who would say: "I really want my DP to be in the ward. He is a bit of a pervert, but I'm sure he'll be fine."

I apologise, but to misquote Margaret Atwood (kudos to LittleKiwi for the Aunt Lydia reference btw)
"Better (for women with supportive partners) does not mean better for everyone."

By this I mean, I would have loved my DH to have been there, he would have made things 1,000 times better. It would have meant so much to us as a family. And yes, in a private room, I think it's a no brainer.

However, I am willing to pay the price of my husband not being there to protect other women. To protect them from harm, from harassment , from not wanting male strangers in a room with them as they try to recover from a physically, emotional, and mentally draining experience.

My wants should not be met at the expense of those far more vulnerable than me.

Ah cherries I see we have cleared up the open curtain thing. Cool.

I would hate to think that everyone had a idea of me flashing my boobs in a provocative manner and then complaining about it. Having a catheter, stitches and sweating like a racehorse did not make me feel alluring.

In any case, the man was a fault, the fucker. (can you tell I'm still angry?)

To add another perspective - my friend's daughter happened to be in the same ward as me when I gave birth. We got chatting, she had had a stressful birth (epidural gone the wrong way, she had a constant headache, couldn't lie down etc.) She mentioned that it was an additional stress having to keep putting on her headscarf because men kept coming in and out of the ward. Not a massive issue in the scheme of things, but worth mentioning to add to the concerns about privacy.

Sorry meant to say she was a hijab wearer.

I strongly feel that partners do not need to stay at night.
Only in exceptional cases like bereavement or if the mother has disabilities and the midwives cannot assist in the way she needs.

I think partners should be able to visit in the day for long periods. If it is night time they should go home to sleep (except on labour ward!). This is enough for women who are very vulnerable and recovering.

This was me on one of the best but scariest night of my life, with my epidural wearing off but still cant stand, recent haemorrhage so midwives have to keep checking my pad to measure blood loss, catheterised, exhausted, relieved baby ok, I move to postnatal ward at 1am.
I have to call to get help to get baby to feed it. It is dimly lit, I feel emotional and need help getting baby latched on, I need reassurance as to what has happened (from a midwife not my husband) when baby does a thick clear spew, and there is a healthy man lying in the space between me and the next bed sleeping/dosing / mooching around?

Even if he is the nicest man in the world, I don't want him to be there.

What we need is more postnatal midwives/ care assistants / breastfeeding supporters at night. Not more male relatives.

Yes Private and Ward!

I believe partners should be allowed to stay overnight.
I have had 2 emergency C-sections and will be having a planned C-section in 7 days time.
My 2nd C-section included a blood transfusion 2 days after the birth.

On both occasions; had my husband not been with me, I don't know what I would have done. The MW were lovely but clearly very busy. I needed assistance getting to the toilet. I could not bend in the slightest to change my clothing. Showering on the first day was extremely painful and to do it alone was in my circumstances quite dangerous a flannel wash (which is what was suggested) was not adequate.

My husband helped me to shower (I did not expect a MW to assist me with this).
When I needed to lean over to pick up baby for feeding; I would have been waiting a very long time like some other mothers on the ward for someone to assist me with safely picking up baby and positioning myself on the bed. My husband assisted me with this.

Without my husband being there, I honestly don't know what I would have done. My husband; like me stayed within my cubicle.

To be honest it would have been quite uncomfortable for him as he slept in the chair as I was unable to sleep on my side in order to share the single bed with him.
He didn't complain, because he is there for his family.
Partners are there solely to assist, not to make others feel uncomfortable.
I would not give birth in a hospital which didn't allow partners to stay overnight.

On both occasions; had my husband not been with me, I don't know what I would have done.

I have every sympathy for women putting up with terrible levels of care on PN wards and don't blame you for wanting somebody there to assist when the professionals aren't doing it. But partners staying 24/7 won't fix that problem. What about women who don't have partners or whose partners can't be there? They get equally shit care, except now they also have to put up with sharing an already hot, noisy and crowded ward with a bunch of blokes they don't know as well. We can't fix it for some women at the expense of others.

Partners are there solely to assist, not to make others feel uncomfortable.

Your partner. Sadly, not everybody's partner is a lovely man.

It's a hard one - I've had two sections under general anaesthetic so was pretty useless afterwards and needed a lot of help to lift baby etc. I was in a ward with 4 beds so it was noisy with or without partners - mums and babies arrived from delivery suite at all hours, midwives were in doing obs and giving medications, and one particularly needy bloody annoying mum kept shouting for pain relief at regular intervals (and also shouted down her phone to the entire contents of her contact list for 20 out of 24 hours of the day.

In some ways I feel that partners couldn't make it much worse in terms of disturbance, plus I think that they might be more inclined to advocate for peace and quiet. Equally, when I was crying whilst enduring my fourth failed attempt at re-catheterisation I really didn't want more people than women who had recently experienced similar indignities listening.

The need for privacy meant that I kept my curtains closed and the desire for peace meant that I went home earlier than I should've...and I can't help but think that had I stayed and been hiding away behind curtains the outcome might have been worse when I couldn't breathe on day 3 (severe chest infection post - anaesthetic plus very anaemic) - 999 call from home (DH was with ) with paramedics arriving in 7 min compared to midwives who often took 30 min to respond. That's not a criticism of them, btw - they are heroes just shamefully under resourced.

Could I ask something - what are the other facilities in your hospital like, for non-maternity patients? Also massive wards with stretched nurses, or are they better? I remember a friend of mine was having a minor abdominal surgery not too long after giving birth by CS. Said it was like night and day - with surgery nurses were running around, making her comfortable, bringing her everything so she didn't have to move etc. With CS she was told to man up and take care of her child.

I'm wondering if this is an isolated incident, or more of a pattern where women giving birth are not treated as well as other patients?