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Personal Attacks on 'Other Women'

70 replies

YvaineStormhold · 16/04/2016 11:25

I've just been on yet another thread where a woman is being called horrendous names such as 'slag', 'bitch' and 'scumbag' because she's confessed to sleeping with a married man.

I've reported the posts to MNHQ, but I wanted to discuss this as a general trend that I've noticed developing on MN in the 10 or so years I've been here.

It seems that personal attacks and judgement are off-limits, except when it comes to OW, and then anything goes.

Is there anything that can be done about this? Surely no matter what someone's relationship history, they should be able to talk about it on MN without being subject to vicious and often misogynistic language?

Could a special eye be kept on OW threads, for example?

OP posts:

Report

YvaineStormhold · 16/04/2016 13:45

To be fair, MNHQ have been very on the ball today with the posts I reported.

This thread is not so much about them.

It's just, there seems to be a culture of OW (and OM, but to a lesser extent) abuse on here, and I think it's worth discussing.

Not every post will be spotted and reported, will it?

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FaithLoveandHope · 16/04/2016 13:55

Muddha you're absolutely right stepmums seem to be fair game too - it's like we can't win :( I dislike how abusive some people can get it's like they forget or don't care there's a real person behind every poster.

firesidechat · 16/04/2016 14:13

I'm going out on a limb here and say that OW and OM are given a hard time because most of them aren't real. The posters come on here because they know it's guaranteed to be a bunfight if they post certain key things. I know some posters will think that's a terrible thing to say, but I'm sure it's true.

KittyCheshire · 16/04/2016 14:14

this is a support forum, for everyone to use. Its not up to the individual poster to declare that OW or OM cannot use the forums for what it is meant for.

if you have a personal reason you can't support or advise that person without name calling or telling them to fuck off, then don't post on the thread, put it on your ignore list and move on.

You are not the fucking thread police.

firesidechat · 16/04/2016 14:18

I don't think I've ever abused or been rude to OW. I've never been cheated on and don't have the same strong feelings that others quite rightly have.

NNalreadyinuse · 16/04/2016 15:09

Kitty, how exactly are posters supposed to advise/support OW? I'm not asking in a snippy way (tone doesn't always translate well in type!)
I would not be able to take a 'there, there, it'll all come right in the end, you have a right to trooo love' approach to affair partners because it simply isn't true most of the time. Anything else though is criticism, rather than support even if it isn't delivered with name calling. The only supportive thing I could think of to say to an affair partner is not to get in the way of her partners relationship with his dc and that isn't about support her relationship.

YvaineStormhold · 16/04/2016 15:32

You could advise OW by listening to them.

Telling them what you think.

Not being abusive.

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KittyCheshire · 16/04/2016 15:34

most OW who post here have either just discovered their partner is married and are dealing with it, or trying to work through ending something having realised what idiots they are.

Those people can be guided through their experience with empathy, quite often they're as much a victim having been strung along and fed a pack of lies.

If any post wondering how to get their bf to leave his wife, they can be sensibly advised the chances aren't really that good and they should back off and out of the partners marriage issues before they get hurt.

Anyone posting for any other reason is just being goady and can be reported.

You might not agree with someones life and choices, but it doesn't prevent you from being civil, and if you can't, you hide the thread and leave it to other people who can.

There is NEVER an excuse to abuse a poster who is seeking help.

PurpleDaisies · 16/04/2016 15:35

You could advise OW by listening to them.
Telling them what you think

The trouble is that might be that they aren't a very good person for sleeping with someone who is married. That they should stop it for the sake of their own dignity and before they get hurt. I don't care if that's seen is criticism-that's the advice if give to someone having an affair.

PurpleDaisies · 16/04/2016 15:36

The trouble is that might be that they aren't a very good person for sleeping with someone who is married.
Sorry, I'd have worded that better-that they weren't behaving like a good person by sleeping with a married person.

KittyCheshire · 16/04/2016 15:37

purple, and thats fine. But you can't tell them they can't post here and they're sluts or slags.

No-one said don't tell them they're wrong, just don't be abusive or tell them they have no right posting here, of course they do!

YvaineStormhold · 16/04/2016 15:41

Your last paragraph is fine without the "not a very good person."

That's where judgement comes in, and there's no way of telling that someone 'isn't a good person' from words on a screen (not that I particularly subscribe to the notion of 'good' and 'bad' people anyway).

What would be so difficult about saying,

"I think you are making a mistake."
"I think your actions might lead to someone getting hurt."
"I think that no good will come of this."
"I think that eventually you may come to regret your actions."

There's a world of difference between the above and the sadly often-seen, "You're a bitch", "You're a slag," "Get some self-respect" etc etc.

If someone can't control their language, and resist the desire to abuse another person, they really should think twice about posting on those threads. Who's to say what the fall-out could be?

In all honesty, it's that disconnect between your own actions and the effect they might be having on an unseen person that can make it possible for people to shag other people's spouses, ironically.

OP posts:

SecretWitch · 16/04/2016 15:42

Why the fuck should we support an OW? She is making a conscious choice to be with a married man. I would not call her names but I will think she should fuck right off with her sob story.

YvaineStormhold · 16/04/2016 15:43

You don't have to.

So you leave the thread alone.

It's not hard.

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YvaineStormhold · 16/04/2016 15:45

But just for the sake of argument, why support an OW?

Because she's human and asked for help?
Because people are more likely to listen to kindly-offered advice than abuse?
Because she might need some emotional support in order to make better decisions?
Because everybody deserves a bit of empathy if it can be mustered?

Lots of reasons.

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firesidechat · 16/04/2016 15:46

I think you might be overstepping the mark there op. You can't tell posters not to post and it gets people's hackles up when you try it.

YvaineStormhold · 16/04/2016 15:47

I'm not telling them not to post.

I'm just saying, the answer to "why should we?" is "You don't have to."

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YvaineStormhold · 16/04/2016 15:48

The opposite of 'support' isn't 'abuse', is it?

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neonrainbow · 16/04/2016 15:52

I'm with you op. Lots of people being twats just because they can, and it's mumsnet so if you don't like it fuck off. Well just because this is an anonymous forum doesn't mean there aren't real people on the other end. Stepmums are hated on here too. I've lurked for a long time and don't particularly care about mumsnet or the way it used to be but have noticed that it actually has gone downhill with people being horrible for no good reason.

YvaineStormhold · 16/04/2016 15:53

MILs fare badly too.

There's an apparent pool of 'fair game' and it's not nice.

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PurpleDaisies · 16/04/2016 15:55

MILs fare badly too.
My mil is a total cow who has said some horribly hurtful things in the past. Am I not allowed to say so?

YvaineStormhold · 16/04/2016 15:56

Yes, you're allowed, PurpleDaisies.

OP posts:

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YvaineStormhold · 16/04/2016 15:58

Sorry, posted too soon.

That read like I'm the self-appointed Thread Police!

Wanted to say, we can all say what we like, it's an open forum, it's just the direct personal attacks that bother me.

I worry about what is happening at the other end of the computer.

That's all.

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firesidechat · 16/04/2016 16:17

The opposite of 'support' isn't 'abuse', is it?

No it isn't. I have a problem with personal insults too, although I do strongly feel that most people only stoop to it if they are goaded by a gf. However I also don't have a problem with strong opinions. "There, there" posts and endless sympathy are rarely that helpful, especially when the op has actually asked for opinions.

I worry just as much about the overly naive poster just as much as you worry about the rude ones.

firesidechat · 16/04/2016 16:18

Sorry that last sentence was illiterate. I meant:

I worry just as much about the overly naive poster as you worry about the rude ones.

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