Parents, how do you feel about risk?

[KateMumsnet]

Hello all

We've been exploring the idea of a Mumsnet podcast for a while here at MNHQ, and we thought we'd have a bash at a pilot to see whether the idea's a goer. It's going to be based very loosely on the theme of 'Risk', and we'd love to hear from you if you'd potentially be up for contributing.

We're going to come at the subject from as many interesting angles as possible, so do let us know if you've got strong feelings on any of the following topics that have come up over the years on MN - or indeed if you've thoughts on other subjects/experiences which are risk-related...

• How do we protect children from risk while allowing them to grow up (and without life grinding to a halt)? For eg, is it okay to leave a sleeping baby with a baby monitor while you pop next door for dinner, or to let the kids walk back from school aged 6, as they do in some other countries? How about letting 13 year-olds go off camping alone?
• How does society view mothers who take physical risks in the careers or sports they pursue? Are there - and should there be - different 'rules' for mothers and fathers?
• Alternatively, have you ever had to weigh up big, life-changing gains against similarly life-changing losses? Or taken a big risk on someone or something which paid off - or went disastrously wrong?

Do add your thoughts here, and let us know whether you'd be happy for us to get in touch for a research chat?

Thanks

MNHQ

Oh I thought you meant the board game. I think it's having a revival.

I am quite slack about physical safety risks for ds now that he's 11 - he should be old enough to look after himself at least some of the time. Goes to town alone, to the fair alone, to school and back alone since he was 6. He's been a few counties' distance by train alone.

I am financially/legally completely risk-averse. Lots of parents will be less slack than me about physical safety but won't bother making a will or sorting out life insurance. There are still SAHPs out there who aren't completely au fait with their household's financial situation. That is far riskier than pushing it slightly on how early you give your child a house key.

I also came to talk about the board game. Maybe two podcasts?

Board game here too.

Another one looking for board game fans!

Yep another board game thought here too.

Fundamentally to me it feels that most people don't understand risk ie the difference between impact and likelihood.

I'm a risk manager but the capital letter of Risk made me think about the board game too

Biggest risk I've taken was to emigrate with dh, at pretty much the same time as getting back together after two years separation following an affair. Not something I'd recommend to other people (emigrating puts huge stress on relationships) but it worked out for us.

In my professional experience most people are not very good at thinking about risk. There's lots of research on risk taking in different environments, I don't know if there is any that relates to parenting, sounds interesting.

Hash board game too. Seriously the concept of risk is important so yes maybe a good idea along the lines you suggest eg when do you let them walk to school alone ( always being asked in here) and stuff like going to town with mates, etc

Why's risk capitalised in the title?

Yep board game again unhelpful

Can we discuss the board game anyway? I love it but people don't want to play it with me... No idea why!

Sorry, MNHQ, back to the topic... I'm not a molly-coddler. My DC have learnt to brush themselves off & carry on when they fall over unless they're actually injured, obviously. In fact, DS2 (2yo) fell flat on his front on the pavement the other day & thought it was hilarious...

I've never been much of a risk taker myself though - I still hold the hand rail while walking down the stairs despite not being particularly at risk of falling down them. Having said that, I'm going through the process of being assess as a living donor for a family member at the moment so there's risks attached to that. I've not really considered the DC in my plans to donate, other than to think about who would look after them while I recover. There's only a tiny chance of me dying but a much higher risk to my family member if they don't have the surgery. It's a risk but it's negligible compared to their suffering.

What board game?

Thing the struck for me is the risk of finding love. Plenty of single parents looking the navigate new relationships and DC, and weigh up the risk of bringing a new person in to DC lives or choosing to stay single until DC have grown up.

Agree with nooka that most people are not good at assessing risk: we tend to be swayed by what we hear about most, dramatic but very unlikely scenarios, and vastly underestimate more mundane risks.

It'd be really interesting to hear from any MNers who might have relevant expertise on how to make better assessments of risks.

maybe you should edit the title of your post and not capitalise "risk"?

Yo're gonna get a lot useful "i thought you meant the board game Risk"

There's a good board game thread going elsewhere...

Risk vs public disapproval would be interesting. Playing out wasn't really part of my childhood so it feels a bit Lord of the Flies to me, but ds has local friends - annoyingly all on the other side of the next road or I'd be happy to have him trot round, but at 6 he's not quite confident on crossing often-fast roads.

When I had babies and toddlers there were lists in some parenting books that said 20% of children this age can do X, 50% can do Y, 90% can do Z. I'd love such lists for older children so I can see what sorts of skills I could be teaching my kids - ds can do bows now after MN threads, but has never owned lace-up shoes - all school shoes at Clark's for infants are Velcro, and he owns plimps and wellies.

Scout badges might be a good source of info on risky but useful skills that kids could work on. I work with risk a lot so try to encourage activities with medium potential impact (sharp knives, drills, hammer and nail) and really work on vital skills to avoid extreme impact (traffic safety, also how to use a kettle - ds refuses to try).

Guidance from MN would be great for times like yesterday when my friend was told off for leaving my ds on a street corner as I was following behind. Some local women think a 6yo shouldn't be allowed to be 50 yards ahead of a parent. Not to mention a 3yo even 10 yards away. I know they will stop - I test the 3yo regularly - but the criticism would scare many less arsy parents!

The thing about risks is that you have to weigh them up against benefits. Sounds obvious, but not something a lot of parents actually seem to do from what I've heard. So risk of harm to the child vs benefits to the child. Unless the benefits outweigh the risk, then it's a no-no as far as I am concerned.

For example- giving honey to a baby under one. Minimal risk, but absolutely no benefits for the baby, so a no.

8 year old going out with friends without an adult- medium risk, but quite a lot of benefits. So yes, depending on circumstances which affect how much risk vs how much benefit.

2 year old running down a slope- high risk of falls (low risk of a serious injury though) but high benefit to child of learning how and when to run safely. So yes.

3 year old playing out on road without parents- high risk to child, especially from cars as children this age have no road sense, medium benefit to child. So no.

Etc etc.

Humans are utterly terrible at assessing risk. Utterly, totally crap at it.

We fret about the big unlikely things and then still light up a fag, happily oblivious to the fact that you're vastly unlikely to die in a plane crash but if you smoke all your life you will very likely die of it/something exacerbated by it.

My attitude: responsible neglect. I'm not going to tell you for a fifth time not to pull the cats tail - he'll scratch you a good one and you'll not do that again. I've told you not to climb on that, if you fall off and break something, it's your own daft fault.
But if we are walking by the canal I've got a Vulcan death grip on the toddler (but they've also been taught to swim/what to do if they fall in.) as pps have said, it's about magnitude/likelihood.

Children need to learn about risk, and that means they need to know what their physical capabilities are, and they need to experience small risks, then slightly larger ones. They don't need to be wrapped in cotton wool - this just leaves them helpless in later later life.

There's lots of research on this subject, and a great chapter in the book "the anthropology of childhood: chattels, cherubs and changelings" by David lancy. Some rather hair raising sections on toddlers playing with machetes/fires :)

Thanks all who pointed out that capitalising risk wasn't right helpful - amended now!

Some very sensible posts on this thread. I'm waiting for the self righteous 'I don't take and risks with my child's safety" brigade calling people bad parents.

• How does society view mothers who take physical risks in the careers or sports they pursue? Are there - and should there be - different 'rules' for mothers and fathers?

The riskiest activity I voluntarily do (ie ignoring significant but unavoidable risks such as driving a car) is go skiing. The DC go to ski school in the mornings and we ski together as a family in the afternoons. DH and I are a similar standard (both comfortable on black runs and off piste) and I would say there are not (and neither should there be) different 'rules' for me and for him, except when I was pregnant. I did ski while pregnant but I took it gently. Some people would disapprove of that I suppose.

Having said that, I have noticed that I am voluntarily more risk averse than before I had DC - I used to ski anything, now I'm a bit more cautious. DH is also more cautious but possibly less so than me.

I agree with PlayingSolitaire about risks v benefits.

I mostly subscribe to trying to balance risks vs benefits too. But also have sticking points, I'm an HCP and I wouldn't let my children have a trampoline for example because I feel that the risk of a life changing injury is too high. But I don't mollycoddle them in everyday activities.

I find it interesting that people have such different opinions about 'risky' activities. I won't let DD3 (8) go to the shop at the end of the street with her friends (but without an adult) because of the road that she needs to cross that can be quite busy and lots of parked cars. I let her once after reminding her about road safety and then watched her and she just wandered over the road without looking so she's obviously not ready yet! My neighbour won't let her DD (8) go to the shop without an adult in case she gets snatched.

I was at a play trail in the woods recently with big stumps laid out in a circle as stepping stones. Two kids and two mums - I'm the one saying "Go on, jump across the big gap, you can do it" to dd1. The other mum was saying "No, you'll hurt yourself, don't jump" to her (slightly taller) son.

I thought it was a nice example of how different parents react to potential dangers. I figured that the worst that could happen would be a nasty fall and possibly stitches and was prepared to risk it as I want dd1 to be more physically adventurous.

I remember my sil not letting her sons aged 10 and 12 go to the loo on a family campsite without her because of "who might be in there" but let them both go far out in rough sea when they were really not strong swimmers at all while she sat chatting on the beach not even watching them. Our perception of risk is completely bonkers.

Our perception of risk is completely bonkers

^ I agree with you Bert

I would have been the same as you Devon

My starting point is that I want the DC to do everything, I want to encourage their independence and their sense of adventure. I look first at what my DC will gain from doing certain things and then I look at the risks of doing those things. Some parent's starting point is safety!