Parents, how do you feel about risk?

[KateMumsnet]

Hello all

We've been exploring the idea of a Mumsnet podcast for a while here at MNHQ, and we thought we'd have a bash at a pilot to see whether the idea's a goer. It's going to be based very loosely on the theme of 'Risk', and we'd love to hear from you if you'd potentially be up for contributing.

We're going to come at the subject from as many interesting angles as possible, so do let us know if you've got strong feelings on any of the following topics that have come up over the years on MN - or indeed if you've thoughts on other subjects/experiences which are risk-related...

• How do we protect children from risk while allowing them to grow up (and without life grinding to a halt)? For eg, is it okay to leave a sleeping baby with a baby monitor while you pop next door for dinner, or to let the kids walk back from school aged 6, as they do in some other countries? How about letting 13 year-olds go off camping alone?
• How does society view mothers who take physical risks in the careers or sports they pursue? Are there - and should there be - different 'rules' for mothers and fathers?
• Alternatively, have you ever had to weigh up big, life-changing gains against similarly life-changing losses? Or taken a big risk on someone or something which paid off - or went disastrously wrong?

Do add your thoughts here, and let us know whether you'd be happy for us to get in touch for a research chat?

Thanks

MNHQ

I have never worried for a a second about dc being snatched. I worry about cars more.

I def try to have a balanced risk/benefit approach. For instance, we cycle on the road with ds and others have expressed that they feel this is very risky. But we mitigate the risk by building ds's road skills, route planning etc.

Having a realistic perception of risk and hazards also helps!

We live in the country and I don't allow my children to cycle on the road to the station because it's windy, has high hedges and people drive like maniacs. They use the track across the fields, and I have friends who think I am completely irresponsible and have this the wrong way round.

How do we protect children from risk while allowing them to grow up (and without life grinding to a halt)? For eg, is it okay to leave a sleeping baby with a baby monitor while you pop next door for dinner, or to let the kids walk back from school aged 6, as they do in some other countries? How about letting 13 year-olds go off camping alone?

I think the main way you teach them about risk by doing stuff with them - walking/hiking, camping, visiting wild areas and big cities, navigating public transport systems, reading maps, road safety and you talk to them about 'stranger danger' (for want of a better phrase), informed consent, grooming, sex and relationships, and calculating the risks of any given situation. Children who have a good relationship with their parents and feel they can talk to them about anything, without fear of judgment are much less likely to come to harm than those who don't.

As for your examples, IMO small children should never be left in a house alone unless you're in the garden or putting something in the dustbin. Baby monitors are not fail-safe and neither are locked doors, cots that DC aren't supposed to climb out of, and pets that might get into areas they shouldn't be in. Plus, there is always the risk of fire and you're more likely to be able to get your DC out of the house safely if you're in the house to start with.

Walking to school age 6? Not round here. Too much traffic and two busy roads to cross. Plus six-year-olds cannot accurately judge the speed of approaching vehicles.

Camping alone at 13? Again, that would be a 'no' from me. They're too young to be able to cope if something went wrong - if something caught fire, for instance, or someone got stung and went into anaphylactic shock. Better to go with a group of their peers and a few adults IMO.

How does society view mothers who take physical risks in the careers or sports they pursue? Are there - and should there be - different 'rules' for mothers and fathers?

I think society is waaaay more judgmental of mothers than it is of fathers. Dad is a racing driver? No problem. Mum is a mountaineer? How selfish of her to put herself in harm's way when she has children at home. There is a complete double standard. Being a parent though would make me think twice about putting myself at risk. Before I had kids I only had myself to worry about, but now I'm responsible for them and their lives would be very difficult if I was to be maimed or die, so I need to factor that into any decisions I make with regard to my personal safety.

Alternatively, have you ever had to weigh up big, life-changing gains against similarly life-changing losses? Or taken a big risk on someone or something which paid off - or went disastrously wrong?

No, I haven't.

I came on to talk about the board game too! I love it but haven't played it for years.

as pp have said. some calculated risk is essential. helicopter parenting or whatever it's called is not helpful unless there are specific health/disability reasons for doing so.

I find it difficult to allow DD (first born) to do things that may have risk attached, but actually when I think about it logically, the risks vs the gains are minimal. For example walking to the shops on her own, which is 3 streets away, near a busy road, but doesn't cross it. I have let her go, I made her take my phone to call me when she had bought milk and was on her way home. Now, after a few times I am ok with this. She is 9 years old and needs to develop these skills. I will let her walk to the park on her own now, and play there for 10 mins before I go up. But I am not quite ready to leave her there and I need to work on that, as logically I know she is old enough, and the park is the same distance as the shops, no busy roads.

DS has been able to do more things at aged 5 than I ever would have let DD do, so mostly the risks are exaggerated in my mind. Doesn't stop them being there, but we can put safety measures in place to address those risks where possible.

I am very slack re risk and have let my dcs do a lot of things that many will consider dangerous, from letting them go out to play, leaving them at home or supporting them doing 'dangerous activities' (I'm thinking orienteering on your own, cannyoing, caving etc).

I've had lots and lots of strange looks where I live and lots of disapproval too. So now I avoid telling people what we do.

I can quite understand this idea of not letting your dcs out of your sight. How on earth are THEY suppose to learn about risk and resilience and dealing with strange situation of they have never been in that situation ???

My attitude is pretty much:

'BETTER DROWNED THAN DUFFERS IF NOT DUFFERS WON'T DROWN '.

How do we protect children from risk while allowing them to grow up (and without life grinding to a halt)? For eg, is it okay to leave a sleeping baby with a baby monitor while you pop next door for dinner, or to let the kids walk back from school aged 6, as they do in some other countries? How about letting 13 year-olds go off camping alone?

I saw a five year old cycling between villages in Finland recently, which is quite normal there. Once again it made me realise how stupid we are about risk in this country. Instead of using common sense and an assessment of how likely misadventure is actually likely to be, we panic and assume everyone is out to get/judge either us or our children. Ironically by doing this we are knocking years off our children's lives at the other end through lack of exercise, lack of risk awareness and so on.

I also note my neighbour who seems to make a sport out of knocking local children off their bikes in our cul de sac due to her generally terrible driving frequently lectures us on how she never allows her children out to play without a parent even on her driveway 'in case something happens to them'. She has two pudgy, unsmiling kids who argue with her in public a lot. Consequence or subsequence? [Hmm]

How does society view mothers who take physical risks in the careers or sports they pursue? Are there - and should there be - different 'rules' for mothers and fathers?

Women are always heavily criticised for doing risky things for work or sport in case they peg it and leave their children motherless. Men who do this are naturally heroic and daring. Again, ironically it is fine for women to drive a car or give birth, both of which are actually two of the riskiest things an adult can do. It's all about keeping women under the thumb and judged.

That having been said, I would be one of the first to criticise ski jumping after 12 weeks of pregnancy, for example, or free diving whilst pregnant. Some things it makes sense to avoid.

Alternatively, have you ever had to weigh up big, life-changing gains against similarly life-changing losses? Or taken a big risk on someone or something which paid off - or went disastrously wrong?

Medical treatment for a disability with potential side effects. However it was fine. I just looked at the statistical odds and took my chances. It helps I understand horse racing and how to analyse odds.

My favourite quote on this was David Cameron, when he was telling local council to fuck off and let everyone have street parties.

"Britannia didn't rule the waves with armbands on".

Go Dave.

(One of the very few sensible things he ever said)

I'm with Commander Walker!

Interesting.... and especially as our views of what is risky differ wildly as parents don't they.

I, for example, watched my 13 year old qualify as an open water diver this summer - the past three years' holidays have included some diving but this year he qualified. So he can dive to a depth of 21 metres with an adult. Off he went under the Atlantic Ocean numerous times.

We got back from holiday, he got his bike and phoned me at work and said he was going to a park with the boys on their bikes about 3 miles away, that ok mum? he asked.

All afternoon I worried a bit, just a bit, about roads, how far away he was, will he use his bike lock while they play football.... stupid stuff really. Yet when he's at under the sea I don't worry. He's with professional divers and my mind has calculated the risk and I sit in the sun and await his return with minimal fretting.

Bit mad

Ego (la la la la la I am not listening...... l have 16 year old DD) eeeek

There's some interesting dialogue to be had, potentially, on the reasons for risk avoidance for your children I think. Does it depend partly on a person's perceptions of what a 'good mother' or a 'good father' should do, does it depend partly on the relationship between the parent and the child eg how close and loving it is, does it even depend partly on the relationship between the parents eg whether there is any competitive parenting going on? And so on.

I don't know - so I like the idea of discussing it.

I think it's worth discussing how risks to DC are still focused on scenarios about being left alone when the biggest risk kids now face is online.

It's really alarming how ignorant lots of parents are to online risks to their DCs.

Another interesting thing is the reaction of other people when you say you let you child do "risky" things. I have been annihilated on here sometimes when I talk about the things I let my kids do. I don't know whether it's because people are genuinely concerned for them, or whether it makes them question som of their own decisions, or whether it's because, as someone once said "you think you're so fucking cool, don't you?" But people do get very angry....................

I am really shit when it comes to risk. Due to my background, which was a bit rubbish but I won't bore you with the details, I used to put myself at risk A LOT! When I became pregnant I basically shut down because I wanted to protect ds, but I had no experience with safely dealing with danger / safety etc. So until ds was about 18 months old we didn't even really leave the house and I cut myself off from a lot of people as I couldn't figure out who was 'safe' and who was risky.

Basically, I've had to force myself to put ds and myself into normal situations and not wrap us both up in cotton wool. I want him to be the sort of child who climbs trees and jumps off rocks, and that's easier to be honest than figuring out if someone can babysit or if it's ok to go back to work.

I'm a single parent and I've pretty much made my peace with staying that way. It's easier and safer. On the other hand, I don't want to mess up ds by him thinking he's held me back.

Parenting is bloody terrifying - so much to lose, such high stakes. I worry all the time im making the wrong decisions!

Sorry for making the thread serious - on a lighter note, I've not played Risk! In years. Going to have to dig it out the loft now!

Also, just thought of something else as sit here with my stomach in knots having just had a go at ds dad.

I always feel like I'm walking a tightrope with ds dad. I say too much about how he's letting down ds and he might walk away, I don't say enough and he damages further their already fragile relationship. I never know if I am erring on the right side of it. I've gambled in the past with pushing things and it's back fired - but the one time it gives him a kick up the bum it's worth it.

Oh it's massive right enough. Huge.