a chance for the SN community to tell you how it really is and to tell you the horrid stuff they have to deal with

[2shoes]

all the time..
after the horror of the other thread, I think it would be good for the sn community on mn to tell their stories, when they have been harassed/assaulted/ and abused by the nt world.
night help to put a couple of minor incidents that someone in the nt world has had to put up with for a very short space of time.

so I will start ....
we were subjected ot haye crime for 5 years....why because my ds fell out with them when they called my dd a spaz.
we can't go out without the staring...small children blocking out way in the shop, whilst mummy/daddy does nothing, just so their child can stare at dd, who is shock horror in a wheelchair.
my son was bullied at school by nt kids who took delight in calling dd a spaz.

mie are minor compared with most.

NT = neurotypical

"I really think it's about time all children were taught more about inclusivity"

how right you are thumbwitch
but sadly we have to get through to the parents first.
their are parents that think it is ok to call my dd a retard/spaz to ds.
of course their kids will then copy them
lucky for me ds uses dd as his shitometre, so only decent people get through.

I take your point entirely 2shoes - but it's mostly too late for the adults - their ignorance is so ingrained, and reinforced by the ludicrous media "coverage", that in reality we'd have to start from scratch with each new generation coming through the schools. I would love it if the children were to say to their prejudiced, ignorant and yes, superstitious parents "you shouldn't say that, Mummy/Daddy, that is a Bad Word". We know children can do it DS s 4 and tells me quite often when I accidentally swear in front of him that I shouldn't say That Bad Word - if it's instilled in the children, would it not filter through to wider society in general? Or do you think that the parental influence would override it in the end? I don't know but I'd like to give it a go.

I tell you what's horrid too - when someone talks about their partner, who is being a total shit and not giving a damn about them and people reply "sounds like he might be autistic"

No.

He's a shit.

Please please please please PLEASE fucking STOP chucking "could he be autistic?" round every time there's a story of a man who's treating his partner with contempt. That isn't autism.

People got bored with throwing npd around and it appears it's ASD season.

Well, stop it.

In rl, there's plenty of staring and sniggering and glares. Because my children clearly shouldn't be allowed out with normal people. I'm supposed to hide them away at home or something. Thankfully, we've not come across some of the disgusting stuff I'm reading here and I'm so sorry that others have.

Oh, Hecate, exactly!

'My husband ignores me when I speak, doesnt engage in conversation with me, would rather watch tv/play computer games than speak to me, is a control freak, calls me a fat bitch etc'

'Could he be autistic?'

No. He is cunt.

My SIL is overfond of saying that her adult DD's "must be autistic' for some bollocks reason. I am biding my time for the perfect opportunity to let rip at the offensive idiot.

do people get annoyed with the assumption on mn that if a child is really badly behaved or a bullie, they must have sn?

I am often one of the people on MN who urges people to just consider, before they let rip on a mum or judgey judge judge a child as a 'bully' or 'brat', that that child may have SN.

Not all children who are acting up or behaving in an uacceptable way have SN. Not all kids with SN act up. But it is worth bearing in mind.

I think I am probably very sensitive to this, though, as DS and I have been pitchforked out of all sorts of places because he was 'badly behaved' or did something socially unacceptable.

Yes, I do, 2shoes. Very. Because to me it seems like they're saying that sn makes you be a bully or hurt people or hit them or abuse them or not care.

And that's not it. That's a corruption of it at best.

eg - autism doesn't mean you will be a bully or hurt or abuse people. Someone with autism may bully, may hurt people - maybe because they're a bully! Or perhaps because they are behaving in an unacceptable way because they don't understand social interactions and they need help with that.

I realise it is perhaps a subtle difference, but it's a vital one.

And then the idea that if you are behaving badly you MUST have sn - why? because only people with sn behave 'badly'? Because if you aren't a nice person, you must have sn? Because people with sn aren't nice?

At the very core of it, is a very simple sum in people's minds - bad behaviour = sn.

Not true.

JustHecate glad it isn't just me.
weirdly non of the kids that bullied ds and called his sister names had sn.

I've had at least 3 attempts at posting, but keep deleting as I can't quite get across what I want to say. Apologies in advance for rambling-ness.

First of all though, what the hell happened to kindness and common courtesy? Have any of the inclusion policies/equal opportunities legislation actually made any difference at all? I know several people have mentioned how awful it was to have disabilities years back, but reading these posts it doesn't seem like things have changed at all.

I have noticed that in life generally there seems to be a societal default setting of low-level aggression lately. There are still nice people around, but every week one of the dc comes home with a story about this bit of name-calling, or that bit of nastiness. Sadly a lot of it in the past weeks seems to include the words "lezzer" or "retard" - words I thought had died a death.

I guess bullies have always been the same - pick on someone different to hide their own inadequacies, but are there just more people feeling inadequate nowadays?

My jaw has dropped reading some of these posts. The sheer grind of having to deal with yet another comment, or look, or "tut" must make you want to howl.

I just don't understand the mentality. My parents were very ordinary people (as am I), but they taught me (by example largely) to be courteous and considerate. My school was a bog-standard comp but the head/staff there were very big on courtesy/kindness/treating people as you would wish to be treated. We had several children join at different times who had physical disabilities, and they were just, well, part of the school. One needed extra help to get around, for example, one had us all learning sign-language as she was deaf and had speech difficulties and one had some LDs and epilepsy. We all got taught how to help if she had a fit. She had a fit on the stairs once and the couple of people who were around simply helped her. It was all very matter-of-fact.

I've carried on in the same way with my dc, and they're pretty decent people.

And that's what gets me. I'm not a paragon of virtue. My children are not precocious geniuses. It's not that bloody difficult to explain.

Like I said earlier, where did the kindness go? Even if you don't understand someone's disability, or are uncomfortable with someone's seemingly strange actions, what about simply being courteous? Acknowledge their presence with a smile. Be patient. Why is sneering or making a crass comment easier than saying nothing at all?

Yes, quite a ramble, sorry.

Mags
There is a world of difference between badly behaved and socially unacceptable. I've been in plenty of places where someone was talking loudly or shouting. If they were flailing their arms or drooling so what? How is that hurting anyone? Bad behaviour is the intolerant shite those ignorants are spouting IMHO.

It is sad, MadameOvary.

DS is a big boy for his age. At 4 yrs old he looked 7 yrs. He would do 'annoying' things at parks of softplay places, like follow groups of older children (especially girls) around trying to join in with them when they clearly didn't want to play, because he cannot read facial expressions or understand that children laughing are generally laughing at him. Eventually, he would 'clock' that they were taking the piss or didnt want to be friends and would lash out and hurt someone.

The mums of the other kids only ever saw the 'lashing out' bit, but I saw all of it, every time. I am not excusing physical violence. DS has always been disciplined for attacking people, then we have talked it over when he is calm.

We stopped going to softplay after so many awful experiences (I have had gangs of mothers verbally attack us). He is 7yrs old now (looks about 10), and we go to the park or anywhere where he has freedom to run, climb etc, but I watch him like most people watch 3 yr olds, and I tend to stay away from other parents unless they are very, very friendly and nice, as when the 'autism' word comes up, most look like rabbits caught in headlights...

DS1 is terribly behaved

I have posted pics of how he has hurt his brotehr on a FB board some of us use; i;ve been asking for help for years to no avail, until he got his ASD Base place at 11. Finally we have support. I know the ASD causes his issues but I suspect there is more to it as well- either brain damage (he had a terrible birth, and lost 1lb in utero beforehand) or a psychiatric disorder. bets on the latter.

DS3 OTOH is a true angel. I love them equally but I am aware that as carer my job with ds1 is to protect others as well. However I may lose carers next year as ds1 faces a DLA reassessment this winter.

With DS he was medicated after he attacked me so violently he tried to throw me over the banister I'm not very big but he towers over me after his attacks he never remembered them it breaks my heart to have to drug him but what alternative do we have that last one he had his dr said he thinks he had some sort of episode that can go hand in hand with autism in the past he asked could he have an operation to fix his brain these kids don't like the way they behave. I keep telling myself and being told by some lovely people that's its not my fault but I still feel it sometimes.

Just Hecate I wonder about that too, the perception that sn=badly behaved.

We have been relatively lucky in terms of physical bullying, but the constant low-level hassle is soul destroying. The primary school headteacher who told me it must be something I was doing wrong because they never had problems with ds - probably because they ignored him as he wasn't disruptive. He said the same about dd3 despite the diagnosis.

DS is 17 and goes to college in September, maybe he will make a friend. Just one would be nice, like someone said upthread, someone to go to the pictures with, or just mooch around the town or whatever it is they want to do.

We too have had friends disappear, and family fights over our kids - it is after all, all my fault as the sahp who let them watch too much tv and that's why they have AS. My DailyMail reading MIL who regularly points out that it's just bad parenting, nothing that proper discipline wouldn't fix. I can't forget the time I walked into our front room to find Fil squaring up to a bewlidered ds who must have been about 13 at the time. Yes, he had been rude to mil but the threat of that level of physical violence was frightening.

Ds and I went to the theatre recently for a birthday treat, and he laughed in all the right places :) just a shame that it was a bit too loud and sounded artificial so people asked him to be quiet. :(

A bit of a subject change but I wanted to ask about this here as it has been making me feel bad for weeks and i'm sure you will know if this lady might have taken offense.

At work the other week a met a lady with a baby and her son, I was gushing over the baby. This is something I always do and gush over every small child that comes in - she was gorgeous and smily etc the mother kind of clammed up and got very prickly - and I mean really prickly.

Now, I had already noticed that her baby had Downs Syndrome, not straightaway but I continued gushing anyway as she was beautiful and very cute - it made no difference.

I really felt that I had offended her mother though - I really hope she didnt think I was gushing because she had downs iyswim.

I genuinely wonder what I should have done and should I feel bad? Do you think maybe she was still coming to terms with it hence the pricklyness or maybe she was just bloody tired (very small baby) and I'm overthinking it.

I guess what i'm asking is, if someone is overly friendly maybe because she doesnt want to ignore and wants to make up for other assholes ignorant people, in her own misguided way (because now i'm wondering if I do this) - would you be offended?

Are you sure that she wasn't overcome with emotion that someone thought her baby was gorgeous when perhaps she'd been dealing with a lot of negativity? Could it have been that she wasn't 'prickly', but upset? - not with you.

whereas if you done that to mine, cos mine has down syndrome and is gorgeous...................at the time, as a baby I would of said you do realise he has down syndrome?

But everyone deals with stuff differently.

Henwelly you did the right thing we do need people like you to make us feel good about our DC's. It was a genuine compliment and I bet the baby was gorgeous.

The situation with ds1 has been escalated to full police and ssd investigation so I guess that's definitely a corker now

Henwelly 2old2be may well be right or she could simply have been going through teh extreme trauma that comes with a diagnosis and discovering your child has SN, some say bereavement of a type, others PTSD- but bloody ahrd and enough to throw anyone off course.

And just sometimes parents aren't OK about Sn; the antis get disabled kids after all. My Aunt's next door neighbour left her baby with DS in hospital after being told to choose between the baby or her DH- can't imagine how she did it (and Aunt never spoke to her again) but parent of SN child does not equal able to cope sadly

My ds can't attend school, he literally cannot function there, he has HFA and often appears NT. He also has Hypermobility, Dyspraxia and Sensory Processing Disorder this were only recently confirmed.

Because he appears so high functioning quite often people do not believe that he is autistic. I have been told that I caused it, that I want him to be autistic so I can get attention for myself (this by ds's dad), that it is my poor discipline and problems in my marriage that make ds as he is. However this has eased off since he was diagnosed with the further three conditions as getting further diagnoses is pretty irrefutable. My ex (ds's Dad) only believed that ds had any of these conditions after various professionals told him quite forcefully to shape up or ship out in not so many words.

If I wrote everything that happened here I would be here all day so I will write the worst thing.

Ds went to two different nurseries and then into Reception etc at a mainstream primary school. At his MS primary school he was incredibly aggressive and verbally abusive, behaviours we never see at home. I was told many, many times by teachers, Ed Psych and various other staff members that it was poor discipline that made ds like that, I would be called to pick him up each day and arrive to find my child a shrieking, redfaced, totally melted down heap, every single day. In the end I pulled him out, I simply could not keep putting him through that. It was horrific.

We were offered a place at a mainstream primary with an ASD unit attached. Within two days he had regressed massively, echolalia again, which he had not had since he was 5, now 8, eyes rolling in his head when we picked him up, desperate obsessions to try to make himself feel safe, head shaking etc etc etc. He Head Teacher seemed to have no understanding of his conditions at all. On the 10th day I arrived to find him with a face covered in abrasions and him practically catatonic. The Head Teacher and SENCO immediately began to harangue me in the corridor in full view of any passers by telling me that ds had full control of his behaviours, was manipulative and basically had nothing wrong with him apart from behavioural issues. I did not bother to argue I left immediately ds and I both crying as we walked to the car. When we got in the car he told me that the Head Teacher had restrained him by slamming his head down onto the desk and holding him there, when he struggled, she lifted his head and slammed it down again and again and again. I removed both my children from the school immediately. Both of my children one with SN and one NT were now without schools.

I complained, an investigation was made and the Head Teacher was found not to be at fault. My son was not questioned and neither was I. However we were offered a place at our first choice, oversubscribed, number one school in the borough primary school for my NT dd. Ds is being home schooled now and everyone seems only to happy to leave it that way.

I am taking 6 months off from the horror that has been ds's education and then I am going to see a solicitor and begin the fight for my ds and his rights to an education to be provided by our local authority. I need to do this just so my son can go to school each day like other kids do.

I would like to clarify that medical professionals involved with my son have been utterly amazing and understanding. Educational Professionals apart from one SENCO and his One to one have been prejudiced, disbelieving and totally ignorant of him and his conditions despite much training.

This is long, sorry, I won't even go into detail about kids in parks calling him weird, how it feels to constantly have hover over him trying to ease his social interactions, having him be called a nasty little shit because he knocked someone over and didn't even notice. When I explained I was told I should keep him at home then. Family members telling me that I was hiding behind him so I don't have to work, shoving him, grabbing him, leaving marks on him when I am not there because he just "needs discipline". All the parents who will not approach me when I drop my dd off at her school because they are obviously scared that ds might be contagious, the teachers looking at me with total disgust when I come to pick him up because obviously its all my fault.

I love him being out of school mainly because he is so happy and relaxed but also because I no longer have to deal with all that. My dd is a shining star at school and the same Ed Pysch is in charge of that school and I LOVE it when I see her there knowing that she will be watching my dd and seeing NO signs of any behavioural issues at all and she must know deep down how she failed my son.

God I am crying my eyes out typing this, it is very, very cathartic.

DS was asked to leave play group
At his nursery school they phoned one morning,when he already had his coat on, and told me not to bring him in as it was the Nativity play!
He never gets invited to parties as he's 'too naughty'.
He has been verbally abused by adults, in public.

He's lovely!

Doty what on earth was that op FFS? Lobotomy perhaps? Not come across that and I am half a diss away from my ASD MA!

DS1 needs meds but we have no Paed, every child gets discharged after a year here.