Understanding the concept of love in open relationships or swinging

[OMGDidYouSayThat]

Thought a new thread would keep things alive, i have no prejudice against anyones relationship choices but i'm intrigued to know how swingers and those in open relationships quantify love for their partners...

In my black & white mind i can't seem to make the relationship between loving someone/each other and watching them with someone else.

We are both in our late 40s not models, but scrub up reasonably well and the scene allows my wife in particular to play with men she couldn't in real life including much younger, fitter men and I get off on that as well.

But she is having sex with them IRL.

I can certainly fantasise about threesomes etc, though only when single, but I couldn't actually do it when in a relationship.

Having had the experience of two casual partners trying to get me to couple up with them so they could go to a sex club (single men having restricted access for obvious reasons) and having listened to the Swingers podcast on BBC sounds and finding that a BIG proportion of the women involved are doing it purely under something between persuasion and coercion from their partners… and having the experience of answering couples adverts, very few of which were genuine couples but mostly single men using women’s photos to sucker women like me… I am less naive than I was about this ‘lifestyle’. I’ve no doubt there ARE women who are genuinely into it, and at least some who are happy enough to take part. But getting involved means you are quite likely to get involved with a situation that is not entirely a free choice for the woman.

Im no longer single, and am now with a partner who has no interest in sharing. I am really not sure whether I would look that way again in the future.

I wouldn't say it was a big proportion of women who are being coerced or persuaded to swing. I have met couples where it is obvious they aren't really into it and that includes husbands as well and we avoid them . Every couple has their own dynamic, some are soft swap, some its only the woman that plays etc. Thats not for us but each to their own. Regarding my wife fucking younger .en in real life, that was slightly clumsily put , I meant in vanilla life.

Respectfully, how dare you. Just because you don't see love this way, doesn't mean all love is this way. I love my partner, I also like going on dates with others - we currently date as a couple. Before my current partner, I tried monogamy for a very long time, with 2 long term partners. My relationship now is the truest in a sense - where I can have the life I want, with a partner who understands and loves me for it.

All relationships are different. All rules within each of those relationships are different. Our rules are that we talk and listen. I love that he encourages me, listens to me, makes me feel loved with actions. In my relationship, when we are being intimate with someone else, I'm not an outside observer, sat in a corner holding the coats. I am also an active participant. And having a marvellous time! After they leave, we talk, we listen, we share anything that needs talking through. It's our reset.

@Tigeresslearns Sorry, the post wasn't intended to offend in any way, everyone is free to love the way they want to, my mind just can't comprehend how love (the way i interpret it) plays a part in a relationship involving more than one person. I guess you have to be really comfortable with each others boundaries etc

You seem extremely interested in the subject for someone who definitely doesn't want to ever do it 😁

Anyway, look up compersion. The way I've described my feelings about it before here was comparing it to when you watch your kids doing something fun and you realise your happiness is all about seeing them be happy. Watching my dog run about gives me that warm feeling as well. Watching my boyfriend having fun with someone else gave me a warm feeling plus turned me on 😂

I’m leaning towards the fact they don’t love at all, maybe the relationship with their partner is more like a fuck buddy setup where their main interest is just having sex with others, no feelings present.

I can only imagine that they don’t actually love their partner in an emotional way, i know i couldn’t watch a partner getting banged by someone else without it destroying me.

Well, your username is appropriate for this sort of nonsense 🙄🙄🙄

I would describe myself probably as emotionally monogamous. I'm not really interested in multiple relationships. But I can separate sex from love. If you don't want to then that's fine. I have a boyfriend I adore. I have a FWB that I'd genuinely like to be better friends with but I don't feel any romantic spark with him. I talk to other men and I'm open to dating.

It is kind of weird. It needs a lot of talking about. Sometimes watching your partner fuck someone else is fine, but some tiny little action or phrasing will make you feel jealous.

You certainly do, but it isn't all about boundaries. It can be about expansion too.
The way I can explain it, if it'll help. I have one cat. I love her. She makes me happy. I get another cat. I love him too. I don't love my first cat any less because I have a 2nd cat. I love them both and when they snuggle together... I love that too.

There is no relationship involving more than one person.

There is just sex with more than one person.

Have you never had sex with someone you don’t love?

"Have you never had sex with someone you don’t love?"

I think what OP and myself find hard to grasp is how you have sex with someone (you don't love) when you are in a relationship with someone you do love or care about a great deal? For me, relationships are monogamous - whether you love the other person or not - and is about 2 people. Me and my partner. Not me, my partner and AN Other.

If you view sex as a leisure activity, it isn’t hard to make the distinction.

No different to your partner enjoying a tennis mixed double while you watch, for example.

But the analogy falls flat because there’s no “primary” cat and there’s also nothing you do with a cat that’s so intimate that most people wouldn’t dream of doing it with anyone else’s cat.

You’re describing polyamory but OMG is trying to understand swinging.

I get what you're saying but I don't view sex the same as tennis, or any other sport. Sex is reserved for my partner. I'm just a monogamous person. I don't need, or want, to include anyone else in a relationship.

I wonder if it comes down to one’s early experience of sex being coupled to or decoupled from love.

I'm not a casual sex person. I don't feel the need for ONS's or fuck buddies. I don't want or need just sex. Sex within a relationship is important (but not everything) but I can do without it when single. I'd rather have a relationship than fuck someone just for the sake of it.

I genuinely can't think of anything worse than watching someone I love being that intimate with another person.

But that is you. Not everybody is the same.

I genuinely can't think of anything worse than watching someone I love being that intimate with another person

Again, that is you. If everybody felt like that, swinging wouldn’t be a thing. But it is.

Although having watched Wimbledon a lot of the noises are the same.

I know. Did I say otherwise?

You're saying "think of it this way and it'll change how you look at it" and I'm saying that doesn't work for me.

No, I am not. I am saying think of it this way and you will understand why other people don’t feel the same way as you.

The ability to accept someone else’s choices, whilst not necessarily understanding or accepting them, is surely what makes for a civilised society.
( where it doesn’t affect safety & security )
This discussion is not about persuading others to “come around” to another view, but surely to explain as best one can, and for the other to accept that they’ll never “get it” but that’s ok.
“live and let live?”

I guess the answer to that is yes because i didn't love any of my past girlfriends initially until the relationships grew. I may have had the odd brief encounter that didn't turn into a relationship but i've never slept with anyone thinking i just want sex, i hoped that all of them would eventually turn into relationships...obviously that wasn't always the case.

It's merely a thread to try and understand how emotional separation works, i definitely have absolutely no interest in 'sharing' i'm not emotionally wired up that way...you're final comment probably hits the nail on the head for me, it's that fine line between it being ok and it not being ok, because i view intimacy as being a sacred act between 2 people that fine line for me would be very 'unfine'. Jealousy may not be the right phrase but i can't think of word to describe it.

"Sometimes watching your partner fuck someone else is fine, but some tiny little action or phrasing will make you feel jealous."

Well this is a thread explicitly trying to understand non monogamy. Obviously people are trying to explain their views! Don't think anyone's trying to recruit anyone 😁

Wow.
Well for me, no not at all. I was quite late to the party with a serious boyfriend.

Started swinging with my previous partner after a lot of experimentation and fantasy-sharing (after leaving a sexless marriage).

He died suddenly. I wanted to resume a sex life but wasn't at all interested in a relationship so started casual dating/shagging.

Accidentally fell very hard for one of them 😂 despite still really not feeling ready for a relationship. And definitely not ready to give up the freedom I was really enjoying and appreciating.

Sorry @moderate I just realised you were asking if either way round had had any effect! I read it wrong.

No worries! It sounds as though your initial experiences of sex were not coupled to being in love (perhaps depending on how literally you mean “sexless marriage”). So perhaps that sets the stage for future encounters.

Whereas my first experiences were with someone I was really quite in love with. I think if I were to have sex with someone other than DP I would expect to “catch feelings”… or maybe it’s that I wouldn’t like to have sex with anyone for whom those feelings were not already nascent.