The bi women thread that doesn’t get deleted…

[OneOfEachPlease]

There have been several bi women threads on here over time. But they have always got deleted. I thought I would try and start one that doesn’t. Aspiration in the title!

I have done this under my usual username so it’s clear as it can be that I am what I say I am.

This is a thread for any bi woman or any women loving women in any circumstance. So you’ve know all your life and had multiple female (and male?) partners to you’ve only just realised. All are welcome. Maybe you want to act on it, maybe you don’t. Just a general chat and support thread!

My circumstances are that I have probably always known I was bi but put it away in a little ‘that doesn’t matter’ box in my brain. Reader, it did matter. Having got divorced (not related to my sexuality) I have wanted to act on it but I get worried about being inexperienced, body confidence and life getting in the way! I have had sex with women but only twice (2 women, 1 time each). I imagine, for understandable reasons (ex husband, boyfriends, lack of blue hair 😉 …), me being bi wouldn’t cross people’s minds so I am unlikely to just bump into either bi friends or more.

Thanks for starting up a new thread. I posted on the last one shortly before it was deleted. Assuming it was deleted as there was discussion about setting up a chat on another platform 🤷‍♀️
Anyway, only recently admitted to myself that I’m bi but only interested in a sexual relationship with a woman now. However, I’m married with child and just trying to figure out a plan as I don’t think the marriage can continue. At first I thought an open marriage might be a solution but the more I think about it I don’t think it’s viable solution.
Keeping a lid on things in the meantime though is not easy now I’ve opened the proverbial Pandora’s box.

I am hoping if we keep the chat here and there aren’t loads of DM requests then this thread can stand.

That sounds really tough! Sounds like you’ve run out of sexual interest in your husband all together (I’ve been there!) it’s really hard working out these things which are potentially quiet exciting while also having a relationship break down!

Oh sorry, I meant to ask, what made you realise you’re bi?

Yes it’s tough. Life pressures particularly with a young child make it harder to appreciate each other but I think I’ve just lost interest over the 25 years we’ve been together. My sexuality isn’t really the issue but becoming aware of it makes the other problems harder to ignore.

I think perimenopausal libido just made it harder to ignore and block out fantasies of women. Plus there was a woman I got close to about 5 years ago with whom I felt more than normal friendship, though nothing has ever happened. With hindsight, I can now see that I was attracted to other women over the years.

Yes I had the same ‘it doesn’t matter’ box too

Yeah I had that too with women in the past. It can be hard - do I want to be friends with them or be with them?!

Hi, thanks for setting this up. I am mid 40’s, bi but with no experience but definitely wanting to act on it. I for years have described myself as bicurious. I was clearly kidding myself & I also put it down to hormonal changes, relationship breakdown etc & often would try to ignore it also. Ive chatted to women on a previous mums app when I was exploring the curious side of things, & i loved it!
I bonded with one woman, we chatted & then eventually swapped numbers & shared pictures. I think that’s when I realised this wasn't just a curiosity for me by the way my body was reacting. We were planning to meet up, then it stopped as she stated she realised she wasn’t bi. I had a few more conversations but there was a lot of ghosting & deleting accounts on that other app. I then got a bit disillusioned with it all & again tried to tell myself it was all in my head. Because I’ve always had relationships with men & I am not wanting to join a dating app, I also just put it in a box with a lid on & thats where it’s stayed. I also don’t vocalise this to friends because I’d rather have the experience before I talk to friends about. Hoping that becomes a reality x

@Summercharll Could you try meeting people irl through social or sports activities? I would definitely recommend telling a trusted friend if you can, I did and her response was not what I was expecting in a good way. Charting to someone online recently also taught me this is definitely not something I can put back in the box and would like to look irl but l have some stuff to sort out first

Thats good to hear re your friend and that it was a positive experience for you. It could be an option. I live in quite a small town so the meeting up irl with other bi women, I just wouldn’t know where to start. But I do want to explore and am ready. Hope you can too once you’ve sorted your stuff out x

I think it can be hard to meet other women. I’m not in London so not a big gay scene and even if there was it’s a bit nerve wracking as the middle aged one. But I have been to events and I would recommend online dating. I know the apps are scary but you could join for maybe a week, set your geography carefully and see what happens. If nothing else it’ll give you a sense of if you are in a lesbian/bi wilderness (geographically speaking) or not.

I think it’s hard being bi as you never get to just come out, it’s a constant coming out as people, quite understandably, make assumptions on your most recent relationship status. I don’t tell heaps of people but it’s not a secret so if it comes up I don’t obscure it. But it doesn’t come up much. I would like to talk about it more. So this thread is good for that!

Hi everyone! Bi (pansexual if you're getting really technical lol) here :) I messed around with girls in college then married young and didn't explore further for a loooong time.
Since divorcing the world has opened up to me and I've had many adventures. Now I have a bi partner (male) and we're exploring together - best of both worlds!

I think there are a lot of later blooming bi folk out there - dates I've been on so far prove that, all quite similar stories. I'm / we are using feeld at the minute - lots of interesting people there and as long as you're ok to travel (I tend to do 1 hour max) there are plenty to meet with.

That’s such a great situation @Tigeresslearns so thrilled to hear how it works out for people. How did you navigate all of that?

Thanks for the support @OneOfEachPlease i definitely feel inspired. And it’s gpod to read other people’s journey’s & experiences x

I thought I would give apps a go so have dipped my toe in. There are plenty of middle aged women out there looking. It’s a completely new experience as Ive been with my partner since the nineties. I am in a big city with a scene and I do know gay women irl. However, circumstances don’t allow me to get out and about. Even the apps are risky for me and I don’t really want to be seen by anyone I know but feeling a bit reckless just now. Incognito mode is quite useful.

Lifelong bi but also put it in a box. Mostly because in my small town it was hard to meet gay women but easy to meet straight men and so that pattern never changed. However I seem to feel more gay with every passing year, which is worrisome as I'm married to a man and have kids. When I have sexy dreams - it's women. When I think about a potential partner if my marriage were to end - it's a woman.

Hope it’s exciting and exhilarating..Any app recommendations? x

What I have found with being bi and wanting to act on it in later life is that a lot of the things I did to meet women feel like massive steps, until I did them. And actually when I look back it has been a positive, or at least neutral, experience.
I was so worried about chatting with other women online and now I do it happily. I was really worried about joining apps, but even in my moderately sized city I have never seen anyone on an app who I know and I know loads of single people who presumably would pop up for me if they were on there too. And the first time I met up with someone I felt like I was on some sort of secret mission and now I wouldn’t really give it a second thought.
But around where I live they just does not seem to be a LGBT community. There is one gay bar but it is definitely for gay men. There’s another one which is opened but it’s definitely aimed at people in their 20s and not women coming out in later life with kids (I suppose it might be accessible if I was coming out as a lesbian, but I am sure I am bi).

Have you looked into any LGBT+ social activity groups? Near me there's a few listed on eventbrite, there's a social meet up once a month and another which is a social running club. These looked like they had a wide range of ages.
I totally get what you mean about gay spaces and feeling trepidation because you're bi. I felt like an intruder when I was younger, and the one local gar bar was for men and very cliquey. The girl I was in love with as a teen made it clear she didn't date bi girls as they were often just experimenting and trying it out and would end up breaking her heart. In culture bi was completely misunderstood and seen as a greedy or performative sexuality, seemingly even by gay and lesbian people. But I get it, because girls would kiss girls in the club just to turn men on 🙃 But things are really different now and bisexuality isn't considered in a negative way anymore, it's understood that it's simply a sexuality where we can love and find people of different sexes attractive.

That’s really helpful advice, I hadn’t thought of
looking for social meet ups like that
locally, but I will! I still find there is a bit of negativity about bi people - a bit of the questioning you about your experience, thinking it’s attention seeking for women, and assuming bi men are just too nervous to say they’re gay. It’s annoying and biphobic but you’re right, more people are more accepting.

I navigated it slowly over time. Each new experience helped me learn something about myself. I went openly on the apps sharing quite quickly what I was looking for. My partner found me and we connected on lots of things (sex related and otherwise) and its gone from there. Communication and listening without judgement has been the key. Happy to answer further questions for the curious :)

Oh and being bi = being greedy stereotyping! Really annoying but part of the learning for me. I use the line 'I think being bi is more inclusive, I have more choices, but doesn't mean I'm choosing you'.

I signed up to HER about a week ago but not got too far with it yet but my bio is a bit dogs dinner of vagueness. I should update it to something like “I am married, confused, newly awakened, and not yet clear what I can honestly offer.” 🤣

How much would people share on a dating profile? If you’re looking for friends or a casual does it mean you have to put it all on the profile?

I’m in my early 50’s and when I was younger there wasn’t the language/knowledge about sexuality that there is now. Looking back I always found women attractive but the pathway was to go out with men (I find men attractive too) I’m happily married and have no intention of changing that but if I were single I’d be dating women as well as men. My husband has no idea about this. Increasingly in my “alone” time my thoughts are exclusively about women.

I am bi, have suppressed it my whole life. Now I’m in my 40s, I’ve been rueing missed opportunities when younger. Happily married, but increasingly have intrusive thoughts about being with women.