The bi women thread that doesn’t get deleted…

[OneOfEachPlease]

There have been several bi women threads on here over time. But they have always got deleted. I thought I would try and start one that doesn’t. Aspiration in the title!

I have done this under my usual username so it’s clear as it can be that I am what I say I am.

This is a thread for any bi woman or any women loving women in any circumstance. So you’ve know all your life and had multiple female (and male?) partners to you’ve only just realised. All are welcome. Maybe you want to act on it, maybe you don’t. Just a general chat and support thread!

My circumstances are that I have probably always known I was bi but put it away in a little ‘that doesn’t matter’ box in my brain. Reader, it did matter. Having got divorced (not related to my sexuality) I have wanted to act on it but I get worried about being inexperienced, body confidence and life getting in the way! I have had sex with women but only twice (2 women, 1 time each). I imagine, for understandable reasons (ex husband, boyfriends, lack of blue hair 😉 …), me being bi wouldn’t cross people’s minds so I am unlikely to just bump into either bi friends or more.

yeah. I think it makes sense @OneOfEachPlease spouses who know from the start are of course ok with it. because if they werent then they wouldnt be the partners and wouldve left at the start. complications and questions come when something like this comes later in life. it is an identity and our partners married that identity. if it is different to what it was of course the relationship might shift change or end. I totally see it. I dont mean the whole poly or group play thing whatever people are happy with.

and I think it is a fair enough thing. I dont see people who end relationships based on this as bad people. if they are not happy dating someone who is bi they are allowed to not go ahead with it. and if the relationship they signed up for is with a straight person and they are not flexible on it then yeah fair enough.

@LadyLavenderUrchin and @OneOfEachPlease thank you both for sharing experiences. Clearly relationships fair better if partners are aware and accepting of bisexual identities from the start but if discovered later perhaps it just shifts the framework of the relationship too much for it ever to really work successfully? My husband is progressive and would likely to see divorce as a massive inconvenience so I could see him agreeing to an open relationship in principle but when I think about the reality I’m doubtful it could work.

I sometimes wonder what my ex would have thought if I’d told him. It’s not a reason why we split and he obviously doesn’t know now. If I was younger (I’m not sure why that’s relevant but in my head it is), single (which I am) and didn’t have DC (which I do) I think I’d be more open about it and potentially exploring it. I know something that is definitely holding me back is I’m not sure of the impact on my DC of “mum having a girlfriend” type scenarios.

I have a really wonderful relationship with a woman alongside my marriage. She also has a husband and family and we are very discrete. Our husbands both know and - I don’t want to say “approve” but they do - and it works for us.

I only came to terms with my bisexuality in my 40s (although it’s an ongoing process) having not had (or taken) the opportunity to explore when I was younger, meeting a lovely man and then settling down and putting those feelings away. When I hit 40 they came out of their box with vengeance. I struggled on my own with it for ages and it was very hard indeed. Then, years ago and feeling very alone, I started a Mumsnet thread and a “support group” of likeminded ladies was formed and it helped me (and many others) massively.

Sadly, one can arrange antenatal groups on Mumsnet but not sexuality support groups and our thread was deleted. But the women who joined (and there were over 100 members who came and went) organised meet ups, weekends away, friendships and relationships were formed and lots of us still meet up now.

It’s really hard to find people to talk to about these things especially when you discover them later in life and they don’t easily gel with the identity you’ve formed and everyone knows you by. So I applaud your thread OP - I hope it lives long!!

Thank you @Maybebe your post, other than my own notes , was the last thing I read tonight before I told my partner of more than 25 years I am attracted to women. I’ve had lots of great advice from here and elsewhere. It’s good to hear a positive story and it is hard to talk about it irl so it’s wonderful you set up a support group and network from your initial thread. Well done @OneOfEachPlease for setting up this one and I hope they don’t delete this thread because it’s very valuable.

I know what you mean @maxiemouslady . been bi my whole adult life I have no insecurities about it personally. came out to friends and family when I was still young. but if for example we divorced with my husband and in some time I would end up with another woman by chance - not that I would specifically look for it - I certainly wouldnt make it known to my kids until they are at least 18-19ish

I’m very open about sex but strangely I don’t see this as “sex”, it’s more about me and who I am. I think that’s partly why it’s a slightly confusing feeling. I wouldn’t say I hid it as such but who I am felt like a done deal so to fully accept this as a change for myself is one thing but to make that more widely known is another.

Obviously whatever you choose to do is entirely up to you! But if you want to try and unpack a little bit of why you feel you acting on this now if you wanted to isn’t an option, we are here for you!

Yes, for some people this will be about sex and being able to act on it. But for other people it’s about acknowledging your own identity (if I was more of a hippie I’d say acknowledging your own ‘truth’ 😂 ) and having people know all of you and not part of you. I think that’s the bit people sometimes don’t get. While I have acted on it a little bit it’s actually the ‘not feeling wholly seen’ which I have found more difficult.

(oh and thanks for the thanks, as long as no one starts asking for PMs or setting off MN groups up I think the thread should be safe. I also put it in the sex chat so it wouldn’t show up in active and is protected from Friday night trolls who haven’t been members long enough to post in the sex chat.)

Regular posting on other Threads.

It is easy to recognise that many women feel Bi but do not act on that feeling. I feel the same, two or three experiences at Uni. Nothing actual since.
For me it is easy to imagine myself meeting and chatting to a woman, easy to imagine inviting them for a meal/drink. But how would I move on from that? Even though I can imagine myself in bed with a woman.

Nor can I image walking down the street holding hands with a woman as I would with a man. Or kissing in public, or introducing her to my son. (I think DD would take it better).
Do you see the same problem areas as I outline? How did you recent converts manage the gaps?

Why can’t you imagine hand holding and introducing a female partner? Is it because it’s a new possibility? Because you think you’d face discrimination? Because maybe you’re sexually attracted to women but don’t want a relationship with one?
I'm curious because I am very much 50/50 bi but i know more women who are bisexual but perhaps not biromantic. And also because for a long time I wasn’t sure I would love being physically intimate with a woman until I realised that’s how I felt before I was with a man for the first time - that changed my perspective as I realised for me it was neves and newsness and not a lack of desire. (I also remembered I wasn’t keen on doing my first blowjob but that was fine so this would be too.)

@OneOfEachPlease I may answer this in more detail tomorrow, late night posting has got me in trouble in the past.
I think of being with a woman as being private, just us, our secret not a display to share with the world. Ours to enjoy.

Social conditioning comes into it as well. We would be the only same sex couple I know of.

Bi 40 something female here. In spite of the fact l’ve posted on many different MN boards on lots of issues, many that had nothing to do with sex, for many years, I had given up posting on MN due to (another) personal attack. I have been accused of being a man, having a shitty attitude to men and being a man hater. I can’t be all.

l do look in from time to time though and should like to add my support to this thread, it’s creator and the participants.

l discovered by bi side in my 30s, on an overseas work visit. I was told l gave off signals, which was news to me. At the time it took me by surprise. But looking back to my teens there was a small group of us (girls) who used to participate in what we used to call “kissing practice” allegedly to make us better kissers for the boys. Looking back we were fooling ourselves. Although UK born, because of dad’s job l was brought up in France. The French are far more tactile anyway, which helped me understand who l was.

These days l prefer to refer to myself as “sexual”; no prefix required.

So what is the point of this rambling post? Simply to give support to all you lovely people on this thread. There is a colourful and beautifully tactile world out there to enjoy with inhibitions thrown to the wind. 🌈

@wizbitwoo is correct in saying the language and knowledge was not available for straight or Bi curious to learn about alternative sexuality in a general way when we started dating. The knowledge was around but locked in the Gay or Lesbian silo which was still defensive and did not always welcome bi 'tourists'.
I am single, 60. look younger in the dark with the light behind me. My dilemma is that recently I have met someone and we get on well and I do fancy her I want to sleep with her. I am trying to build courage to tell her that I really like her. I have no clue if she will consider a relationship with a woman in general and me in particular. To ask her seems very high risk at the moment. She might rebuff me entirely, storm off and never speak to me again.
I suppose a build up of talking about relationships and sexual preferences carefully explaining my thoughts would be the way to go. WWYD in this case?

I am in late 20s and recently had a sexual encounter with an older woman in early 50s. I have known her since I was a kid. I have known her through family friends and ever since, I have kept in touch regularly.

She became single after divorce with no kids and she is very caring, kind and nice as well as being respectful. We talked about initmacy and other frustrating dating experiences as single straight women especially through OLD.

Few weeks ago, we have been to the friend's wedding and after we got drunk, we had bit of sexual encounter at the hotel mostly to do with foreplays and oral.

And few days ago, she expressed an interest in having some regular FWB arrangements with me (2-3 times per week). I am curious and interested in this but, also, concerning how others view us if they found out..

I’ve got this one both right and wrong on different occasions in the past. Once on a work trip (not to be confused with an earlier work event when l discovered my bi side), l thought a woman was sending me signals and got it so wrong. We went for a meal and during it, l got up to go for a wee and put a gentle hand on her shoulder and she absolutely flinched. Things were stilted after that.

l would suggest go for gold, but gently-gently. Has she mentioned previous special friendships? Were they with men or women? You could mention a female couple you know, look her in the eyes and see her reaction.

There’s also what l would term appropriate touching, a slight hand contact when sitting down at a table when over a drink, a hug goodbye etc.

Unlike the occasion l mentioned, you can usually work out the situation without making things awkward.

So many maybes never come to fruition because of hesitation. Let us know how you get on. As l said previously, go for gently, go for gold. And don’t consider it the end of the world if it doesn’t work this time. x

@StarlightLady Thanks for the comments about behaviour and the woman who flinched. It's all another unfairness isn't it?
If a man tried to touch a female date, It is either accepted or declined. We don't consider even a hand on a knee as an insult, we just say, no, behave. Often it is not now, maybe later. I'm thinking about it.
With a woman we almost have to get her to sign a consent form.
Any way, I am off to meet her for a drink at a wisteria clad country pub. I might post later.

what unfairness are you talking about @SUperchange ? In that scenario a woman was touching another woman but somehow we arrive where we usually do: men to blame for something somehow. what are you talking about? a man touching a woman uninvited can be taken to HR, sue, cancelled online, have your pick. It is just odd. could it be that it is about the individuals? maybe?

Good luck with your date though!

But getting up from a chair and putting a gentle hand on a shoulder, women to woman, is so different. It is a fact that women are more tactile. But on this occasion it was shown (hands up!!) I got it wrong. But in another all female scenario it would not have caused the same reaction.

yes I agree. that is why I dont understand the unfairness and men figuring in the above.

Re Unfairness remark of mine.
In a date situation Man + Woman you and I know and expect that man will make some kind of move. Not the first time of meeting. We have done the social exchange previously. Birthdays children's names work history etc.
That's why you are there, you want to know if he is OK for more. If you do not want his hand on your knee, you tell him NO and carry on with the evening. I wouldn't be offended, I just don't want that at that time. StarlightLady touched the date's shoulder and she flinched. It was a serious trespass.
It is not an equal response. Not a balanced reaction.
We met this evening and started talking, a bit flirty but not likely to go further I think. 😞

did you share these thoughts with your hubby? do you think he would be open for it?

It’s sometimes worth being open about your thoughts and your intentions