Is it me or are men just timid in bed?

[lipbites]

Genuinely curious — where did all the fun, filthy, imaginative men go? I’ve got a high sex drive, I love a bit of teasing, and I’m definitely not shy about what I want… but lately it feels like the spark’s gone out of the bedroom, or maybe just the people in it.
I don’t want beige. I want connection, filth, fun, hands everywhere, and someone who knows how to look at you like they’ve already undressed you. Is that too much to ask? Or am I shopping in the wrong aisle?

Most definitely the wrong aisle is being bought from. What you describe is exactly how this man is sexually.

@lipbites where did all the fun, filthy, imaginative men go?

Life beats the shit out of them. I have almost no interest in socialising or pursuing any kind of romantic relationship. I think part of that is due to previous psychological abuse, along with a number of health issues that manifested in my 20s. Though I think sex drive tends to decline a lot as men get older anyway.

My DH was timid in bed but as my own confidence had grown, I’m finally coaxing it out of him. I like him to take charge!

My ex was very boring in bed, he just liked missionary. Last guy I slept with was all the things you describe, so much so I can’t stay away from him. Feel able to explore sexually, discuss desires etc, safely. It’s a lot of fun!

@Zanatdy see that's exactly what I'm looking for. Has he any friends? 😆

He is good in bed, but relationship wise i’d say some downsides. But that’s fine as i’m here for the sex only right now! Only downside is his availability is low (bloody kids) 😀

The men you're looking for are definitely out there. But remember Venn Diagrams from school maths? You're probably looking for someone you find physically attractive AND who can hold a conversation AND knows how to clean the bathroom AND is sexually driven AND confident enough to express their sexuality without being an arsehole AND sees all the same things in you. That's a lot of intersecting circles.

Society and SM is constantly telling men that they shouldn’t be this way anymore, so I guess it’s that - linked with younger male generation that are not really interested in women or relationships anymore

Definitely must be shopping in the bargain basement 😂

Maybe think about where you’re finding these men? Personally I think meeting irl (so you know you fancy them, they’re decent and the chemistry and flirting can build naturally) is way better than (for example) an app where they are just hoping to shag as many women as possible so are unlikely to put much effort or focus into you. And who wants that 😂

Fair bit of what BeEagerTurtle says is true. Young men are having it drummed into them by SM to not be too forward / to be respectful of boundaries and don't push at them / to actively gain enthusiastic consent before doing anything etc. Can't really complain when they listen and do exactly that.

I'm sure there's plenty of men out there who would be happy to act the way you want, but men in general are starting from a different place than previous generations.

Men need to know we want them dominant and open to exploring everything in the bedroom. Yes, be a gentleman outside but when it comes to sex I need a monster.

Those old enough, might remember "The Worm That Turned" by the Two Ronnie's. 🤣
NB. If you're not old enough to remember it, don't search for it. The irony will probably be lost if you didn't live through that era.

You can probably expect a plethora of volunteers DMing you very shortly.
It'd be fascinating to hear whether they'll be up to your monstrous standards.

But that is not how we bringing up men these days 🤷🏻

With such a deviation in expected behaviours, does this mean we are now working towards developing the whole whore/madonna complex for men too?

I can’t speak for OP but in her post she said she wanted fun, filth and connection. I hardly think that’s extreme and to me would just suggest she’s looking for someone sexually compatible.

From my personal experience with men, they are few & far between. Most are boring in bed & expect the woman to lead. The ones who are great in bed tend to be men of vast sexual experience & who probably watch porn. Not always but they tend to be cheaters too because their sexual needs are so huge.

From experience the good ones in bed like to spread it around and are not great relationship material, but maybe that's just me

I'm guessing that your messages on Mumsnet are going to explode over the next few days.

This is a very good point well made. I expect it’s confusing for young men who have grown up with the #metoo movement to feel empowered to be overly masculine in the bedroom.

Sounds great but I had one like that for a couple of years then he married someone else! Turned out I was just a bit on the side

Fun, filthy and imaginative and respecting boundaries, understanding consent etc... it should not be viewed as one opposing the other.

They're scared of being accused of rape by angry feminists.

🙄

Exactly! I don’t think that’s hard to understand really 😂