Is it me or are men just timid in bed?

[lipbites]

Genuinely curious — where did all the fun, filthy, imaginative men go? I’ve got a high sex drive, I love a bit of teasing, and I’m definitely not shy about what I want… but lately it feels like the spark’s gone out of the bedroom, or maybe just the people in it.
I don’t want beige. I want connection, filth, fun, hands everywhere, and someone who knows how to look at you like they’ve already undressed you. Is that too much to ask? Or am I shopping in the wrong aisle?

Is that something you are communicating with men you are talking to/looking for at the start or when getting to the point sex is likely to happen?

I would more than happily be dominant, explore, use toys etc etc but, even at mid 40s (so not young enough to be caught up in the current trends) it's not something I would feel comfortable just coming out with as there are plenty of women that would be put off by that. That said, as a younger man, I was probably lacking in confidence, and being aware of being thought of as a sex pest to initiate the sex conversation when dating. I always left it to the woman, who probably thought I wasn't interested and therefor I probably missed out on a decent amount of sex when I was younger.

I would always be happy to have a discussion before having sex to discuss likes, preferences, boundaries, contraception and so on, but it I personally would never feel comfortable with coming across as "a monster" (I understand what context you mean by that btw) unless it was suggested by the woman as a preference, or something that evolved as we had sex.

It's the same as the preferences/likes I have. I wouldn't expect a woman to second guess them, or just assume she would know what I wanted but I wouldn't just start a "this is what I like/want/need" conversation, it would have to be part of a wider conversation.

I also really agree with the chemistry element too. You can get someone who does all the "stuff" that you like/want but sometimes it just doesn't work or feel right, for reasons that you are not in control of.

We're still out here & "loving' it!" 😀...... but in all honesty, I can't help thinking that the "way" we as a society have sought to protect individuals from abusive behaviour, has actually confused a generation. I worry we've made interacting as "sexual beings" so difficult to interpret, especially for the young, that many are just not bothering ....... with all the consequential problems that appears to be causing with "modern masculinity."

Am I becoming too old and detached from the modern dating scene?? 🤔😀

It would be really interesting if OP can confirm what age group of men she’s interested in/referring too. As I don’t get the impression it’s millennials/gen Z!

Idiot. Men go to prison because of “complaints” 😭

So nice to see all the MGTOWs on a thread! I often wonder to myself, what can’t be repackaged as something that is a woman’s fault?

But not all women do want that kind of man, as is apparent from many threads on MN!

Any man who just presumes a woman wants this, like you’re suggesting, without that woman being explicit about it, is risking being done for sexual assault… so they play it safe. If you want that, you need to be the one who sets the expectations… then see if they enthusiastically respond.

I absolutely agree with this.

Surely if the question is "where have all the [insert demographic] gone?", that demographic is surely a beneficial part of the conversation? (And there seem to be women on this thread too.)

I dont read any of this as "it's a woman's fault," but rather a commentary on social trends. Hell, as a Gen-X, I'll cross the road rather than follow a woman down my own road during the day, never mind after dark, so as not to be accused of following her, and I absolutely wouldn't invite a date to my house, and certainly not into my bed, if she hadn't invited me to hers first. (I'd not be as "timid" having been there regularly, but I'd still be very cautious.) And that's not uncommon amongst my peers.

If you want to look at it as someone's fault, maybe it is that of the generations of men who built an unjust world, but how we got here doesn't change where we are.

100%!! I might not be confident in all areas of my life, but I am definitely confident in bed and I do have an amazing sex life with every partner!
It doesn’t always start out this way, and if they can’t meet my drive, then we go on separate ways

I don't think you understand what feminism means...

You talk about consent like it's a negative or something 🙄

In the context of the ops original post complaining about timid men , who are not dominant , then it’s probably not what she wants 🙄

I understand exactly what it means, unfortunately the movement has been taken over by a bunch of extremists (typically with green or pink hair and hairy arm pits/legs).

🙄

You seem to have an issue with consent.

Yes some women are angry. They have every right to be. Because some men rape women. But your misogyny is palpable.

Still not what consent means...🙄

She's asking for a man who is dominant in bed, not to be raped.

There is a difference and it's a massive one.

And who mentioned rape, ( you did ) the OP wants men less timid , not sure what your point is here , but you are clearly failing to make it -

I think you are wanting something very specific right from the point of meeting. I’m not sure being visually undressed by a man (and obvious) in first meeting would hit the right spot for me. But once I’m comfortable enough to get in bed with him, then yes my preference is confident, experienced, knows what he wants and takes it but also really knows how to make it great for me rather than laying there. And yes, I do want his hands and tongue everywhere.

Unfortunately some lack confidence, some the right experience and some both. I’ve generally been luck by the looks of it

I'm filthy, imaginative and adventurous with a high sex drive, but I tend to reveal this side of myself when I've achieved a sense of trust and safety with a woman, which takes time. The issue, at least in my experience, is that women are turned on more by being with someone they don't know very well, so their sexual enthusiasm is starting to wane at about the point in a relationship that I'm getting the confidence to spice things up and really reveal myself.

I don't know what kind of men the OP meets but if it were me she'd need to stick around until I'd got comfortable in order to get to the good stuff... or she'd need to take the lead, at least initially, and make it abundantly clear that a more adventurous sexual experience would be very welcome, which would accelerate my progress to opening up and taking control.

But, everyone's different and this is just my perspective.

So just out of interest what would a first time be like with/for a new partner? You’d expect to her lead? Limited lust and passion?

for me I used to have sex early on to test the chemistry and would probably give it 2 sessions max before walking away if it wasn’t fun and filthy. Luckily my OH was everything OP is wanting from the first time so I really don’t think she’s looking for anything unusual!

and yes I would expect someone to be ‘undressing me with his eyes’ before we’d slept together even, if we were on a date and fancied each other. I’d assume he wasn’t that interested if he wasn’t

Some of the best sex I've had has been ONS. For example a married woman at a conference. Nothing timid about that night.

I am the opposite side of this. Where did all the exciting women go?

After a divorce, and over the last couple of years I have been intimate with three women. All were really rather timid, one had some real hang-ups and not motivated to be intimate with me as a new partner, so it was clear where any longer relationship would go even after a few weeks.

As the parent of 20 year old and a 22 year old men, this is definitely had an impact. They genuinely have had it drummed into them to not be forward. To not put any pressure at any point on a woman, either on a ONS or in a relationship, and an underlying fear of being accused of something.
They both have more trepidation about relationships than I do as a 50 year old.

I can be a bit reserved at first…but trust me, I’m not once I know someone. Maybe they just needed more time, but sometimes you just know if it’s not going to work.

Having said that, greeting someone at the door the first time you meet them in nothing but a pair of sexy underwear is probably not very reserved 😂😆

It is interesting - the first time I was with them all, damn I was keen and all over them...But as soon as it went from snogs and undressing, caution and reservedness seem to be apparent. I get we all have different preferences, and I get it takes time, and I get it takes confidence. But after a couple of weeks of sex - but all under the duvet and missionary despite speaking and suggesting something different - you kind of get the picture.
As someone said in this thread, maybe my venn diagram of a partner who can hold a conversation, who is active, adventurous and loves nature, who is happy in their life and choices, who is a match in outlook in life, doesn't leave the sink trivet out all the time, etc etc that I look for, with a circle of 'loves a good bit of sex' is too many overlapping circles...

I’m rather sad to read this ….. as the father of two 20 something daughters, they’ve both talked about young successful career men wanting dates, but complaining most of them are so dull…..(which obviously I hope your sons aren’t!)
….. on the other hand one has a boyfriend who is, what we used to call “a bit of rough” whom she is enjoying but has absolutely no intention of settling with…..
Modern parenting eh 😉🤷‍♂️