Is it me or are men just timid in bed?

[lipbites]

Genuinely curious — where did all the fun, filthy, imaginative men go? I’ve got a high sex drive, I love a bit of teasing, and I’m definitely not shy about what I want… but lately it feels like the spark’s gone out of the bedroom, or maybe just the people in it.
I don’t want beige. I want connection, filth, fun, hands everywhere, and someone who knows how to look at you like they’ve already undressed you. Is that too much to ask? Or am I shopping in the wrong aisle?

Oh the challenges of parenting!

Well, maybe we need to set up yours and mine! ;-)

😂 Parental choice eh? It might work!!

My 17yr old daughter wouldn't go near a boy. They're all a risk. And (to use her words) as a middle aged man, my opinion is irrelevant because my demographic are the reason the world is fucked up. I'm glad I don't have a son.

17 year olds I know are pretty loved up 😂

maybe yours isn’t interested in boys 😉

(I’m delighted I have a boy and don’t worry about his future at all fwiw)

She's not obviously interested in girls either. Unless they're trans-girls. She can't get enough of them.

I see what you mean; sex under the duvet is not for me, even on the first go. I’m more confident with my clothes off than on 😂. It’s more uncertainty on how to please the other person, but that comes with time.

@outdooryone @MsDDxx Under duvet, missionary quickie? Noooo way, sexy lingerie, stripping seductively, or being stripped then exploring each others likes etc using fingers , tongues, toys etc before pleasuring my lady to several orgasms, each time tasting her honeyjuice, so much sweeter…✊🏿

Have you tried going on Feeld?

I’ve had some amazing quickies in the past…in all sorts of places when the urge just takes over. Never ever under the duvet!

And only once have I ever had a quickie in missionary.

There’s a tension between consent and being assertive sexually.

i don’t think anyone would disagree that consent is essential, but the way consent is often framed these days requires a man to be cautious sexually. If every new “escalation” requires explicit verbal consent, which seems to be what’s taught these days, it can make for a very stilted and awkward sexual encounter.

Like with almost anything good, if you push the concept too far and too rigidly, it becomes problematic. With consent, arguably the balance has swung too far, and made some men paranoid about every sexual encounter in case it’s misinterpreted and his life is ruined by a SA claim.

I think the answer is more with us women than men in this environment. A woman shouldn’t make a man guess what she wants, but we need to make it explicit from the outset.

I don’t mean interrupting every few seconds with “and now, you can rub my nipple with your index finger and thumb firmly but slowly in a clockwise motion”, rather something like “I need your hands and tongue all over my body right now, especially wet pussy, then when I say ‘fuck me’, grab me, turn me over, and take me deep and hard in my tight cunt from behind” …:or similar which make it completely clear about the sex she’s wanting.

Then if he doesn’t respond to that, that’s his problem! But if you don’t articulate in that way, and just expect the guy to know that’s what you’re wanting, simply because you invited him into your bedroom, then you’re the reason why you’re not getting the sex you want.

Yes a woman can say ‘I need your hands…’

And equally a man can say ‘I want to put my hands…’

works both ways and is very simple! Consent really isn’t the issue here!

Perhaps it's about experience. Good sex is not the same as porn sex. If a man has been watching porn then he probably has issues initiating because he's been in a world of unreality and now is in the world of reality. Which is completely different.
In short they don't know what to do. The only experience they have is jacking off to some pron video's

That’s true, but I’d imagine a man might be wary of using the explicit phrasing I used in my post to a woman for fear of being accused of being a disgusting pervert and an aggressive sexual predator…

There’s no similar risk the other way round… the worst a man will do is be timid and you don’t get what you asked for.

If you want a man to take charge, be dominant, filthy and rough in the bedroom, you need to clear that’s what you want first in this day and age.

It’s right that men are much more aware of the need for enthusiastic consent these days, but there are consequences… we can’t have our cake and eat it. We can’t simultaneously expect a man to require explicit verbal consent when it suits us, but then to read our minds and to just know when we want him to take charge and be dominant and forceful.

If anything porn does the opposite… It tends to treat women as objects for male sexual gratification where the man can do what he wants, and consent is a given.

There are so many posts on MN about how men instigate sexual activity that a woman doesn’t want and without him seeking consent, where it appears to have been inspired by porn (anal, strangling etc)

Great post! It’s deffo a thing that I’m concerned about as a man, but as soon we’ve chatted about things then I’m more than happy to be rougher. But it does need that communication so that both parties are sure of their ground and everything is relaxed. A LOT of women like rough sex, in a safe environment, in my experience

I wish I didn’t have to tell a man to hold me down and fuck me, but I can understand that many men would be concerned about just doing something like that.

It’s a good thing, and as said above, an honest conversation should get out in the open what’s acceptable and what isn’t.

The safe and trusting environment is all important… A woman who might only be comfortable with vanilla sex with a guy she’s not 100% about, can be completely wild and crazy with a guy she trusts and adores.

There are things that can be an integral part of a loving sexual relationship in one context, that would be rape in another, such as being woken up from sleep with penetration. Open and frank communication and understanding, and setting clear boundaries where necessary… but that’s someone many of us struggle with in practice, and takes time to build with a partner.

I personally don’t think a man needs to use the explicit language you used in your post (especially the first time) to still convey exactly the same message about what he would like. But obviously if both people were into that, it would become obvious and could build over time

And there is no obligation on the man to do everything that is asked either. I was seeing one women for quite a few months and there was a gradual build up of what she wanted in the bedroom until it got too much for me and I stopped enjoying it. It was one of the factors in us stopping seeing each other, there were others too obviously.

But we were both honest about what we wanted and there were no hard feelings at the end, we just weren’t compatible enough

This is very true, you do both have to enjoy it for it to work.

Suspect you'd only need to tell him once. 🤣

I’ll have to try it 🥵🤭

Agreed.
An ex (many years ago) had ... let's call it a specific type of fantasy that, these days would fall under the umbrella of CNC and even when she just used the common label for it, I was uneasy about the whole scenario. If anyone asked me to be part of that these days, I'd be out of the door quicker than I could put my trousers back on.

That's interesting. The monster/metro