I am in a sexless marriage. I think I want a FWB. Maybe. But where to start???

[JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff]

Right, I have ALL the issues going on.

Am 45. DH health means he cannot/ will not have sex. It's been years. I am so so horny if I'm honest.

I don't think he's going to change. I kinda want to explore with someone else.

Plus, I think I am into sub stuff, which he never has been.

But don't know where to start!

I am in okay shape - I think - but I've had 3 children and like I say, am 45, so my body isn't perfect like a 25yo. So I feel a bit self-conscious for something like going to a Killing Kittens event.

I also feel rusty. I haven't given oral for ages e.g. or done much of anything.

....I want to find someone with a bit of patience who can kinda take me by the hand and get me started again. Is that a thing? Where would I even start to find someone like that????

@OfcourseitsaNC we have talked about it, like I said. I didn't include all the back story here but I have made it clear to DH I am not willing to continue as we are. We have had a number of conversations over about 6 months, where we have talked about divorce, remaining married in name but accepting it's platonic and we could see other people, or addressing the issues. Our last big discussion was start of June. I told him I felt it wasn't on to refuse sex or any form of intimacy for 7 y (he agreed) and I thought we should attend couples counselling (he disagreed) and if he didn't like that solution, he needed to come up with his own (he agreed). I said, could we put a timeline on it as he is notorious for letting things slide, and how about the end of June (he agreed).

I said if he didn't have some idea, any idea, just anything, for how to start to put things right by then I would consider he wasn't committed to the marriage and I would feel free to make my own decisions. He said, fair enough.

Guess what happened by the last day of June? Nothing. Nothing at all. We then had a big ugly crying argument (me) where I told him I felt totally strung along. He looked all stricken and said he'd do something to make it right and he didn't want me to leave.

The thing he then did to save our marriage.... was buy me a bunch of posh flowers. That was the big idea.

So I have started quietly to think abt my options. This thread wasn't intended as a potted hx of my marriage, it was more "could I even do this, am I too old, is this even a thing?" Before I decide what I want to do in this situation.

I can comment on the "can I and how?"
If you are thinking about a BDSM style FWB then I personally would suggest WeAreX (or WAX) app. There you can do the traditional profile and swiping right but also group chats with like minded people, get to know people in the group chats, socials and parties then find someone who suits. Loads of BDSM individuals who answer questions and support people.

Hi OP.

I understand how you’re feeling.

Do what makes you happy. Life is too short.

You are me 5 years ago. Horny as only a perimenopausal woman can be... like a constant radar scanning for someone I could fuck. Hadn't had sex with DH in years, despite making it clear I would look elsewhere if we didn't find a solution. Stricken at the prospect of being celibate for the rest of my life, when I felt so confident in my body.

I cheated. It made me feel shit. You still love that person and lying to them just destroys your self esteem. Guilt isn't sexy.

So I left. Amicably. He's still my best friend now, just like he always was. We rock co-parenting!

Six months later I joined Killing Kittens where I met many women in the same position, I chatted, went to socials, attended courses, educated myself about BDSM and non-monogamy. Then I jumped in and attended parties and private meets.

I can honestly say I've had the best sex of my life. I've met some experienced and respectful Doms (and a few wannabes who I weeded out quickly). These days I have a primary partner who I adore and who's happy for me to get my masochistic needs met outside the relationship. I've also made lifelong kinky friends who I can turn to for advice and support.

Hi

there will be a lot who feel your frustration and anger. Its completely understandable you've got to where you are, and its not OK for someone to withdraw one of the fundamental building blocks of a marriage.

The thought of either never having sex again, or having sex with someone you know doesn't really want to, is just horrible.

You do what you need to do, the only advice i would have is consider the consequences. Its very likely he will find out, and that will have to be dealt with. He may be ok with it, recognise its a physical thing he can't do, but he might not be.

You may end up splitting up the family anyway, and you'll have to go through a period of being the women who broke up the family in many peoples eyes (not many others, who will understand that you were missing an key part of the relationship).

I'm not trying to dissuade you, just make sure you go into with eyes fully open.

Good luck and hope you find some fun and happiness

@JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff - been there, done that, got the T-shirt...

Firstly, I'm sorry for your relationship, I know exactly what its like. 🤗

Secondly, you can find a FWB on any dating app - just put in the text what you are looking for.

Thirdly, no, you are in no way too old. I was late 50's when we split, and I have had several casual relationships & two FWB, and I'm no George Clooney (Clowney, maybe...😂)

If you'd like to explore your sub side more, maybe try Fetlife or Fet (two different things.) Look for local BDSM social events (munches), as they are a good way to meet like minded people. Speak to the other women there about known red flags...

Whatever you do, I'd really approach with caution. You are very vulnerable right now, and it would be easy for the wrong guy to take advantage of your situation.

There are some genuine decent men out there, but you may have to grovel in the muck to find that piece of gold!

Good luck!

Thank you for sharing your backstory.

It's dead simple to get dick anywhere now. Anywhere. Anytime. Even here on MN, as I'm sure your PM box will prove. So "Yes" is the answer to that question you ask.

Now you know that answer, how are you going to move forward in that knowledge in your marriage is the question you need to ask yourself.

The bunch of flowers sounds crap and is in no way an appropriate response from him. So you're left with 4 choices from what I see:

1. cheat
2. divorce
3. tell him you're going to open up the marriage and see how he responds
4. stay in a sexless marriage

Good luck.

If I was to offer any advice on the way to approach it - it’s the way you have, you’ve been pretty honest and straight with him

OP mentioned at the start that there are 3 children from this marriage and I'm guessing they are still relatively young. No one has discussed how things might affect them here. Disfunctional relationships and divorce can have a lasting effect on children. This is the only relationship they really know and they will learn a lot from it and in many cases end up repeating it. Whether OP stays or goes, try to consider how that is done in the best way for the children.

I'm not saying that OP hasn't spent many sleepless nights considering this, but I was surprised to find no one has discussed it here.

Poor husband.

Please send me a PM if you're bi and would like my husband and I to get you back in the swing of things. Xxx

I am in a different yet similar situation. I posted on here 7 days back (see ‘Finding an FWB’.

My wife and I have a great marriage and sex life but the ratios aren’t on par - my drive is high, hers is not. After years of my frustration and her irritation of my horniness she recently suggested I find an FWB. WOW - a ‘hall pass’ 😂. But now what?!

Like you it’s a really daunting thing - like I’ve got this freedom, yet as a guy at the age of 48, getting it on with someone else means going back to basics and exploring with someone new. Kinda scary yet really exciting. So I understand what you mean by taking it slowly. And of course needing to find someone local - as neither party wants the time and expense of traveling miles when they have partners and kids to consider. But then how local, like if they are in the same town and doesn’t work out?!

So many variables 🤪

I hear you and feel you pain. You have an itch to scratch and taking that first step - on to a dating site or someone finding someone is a bold thing.

I’m not going to get into the ethics bit because my situation was different.

As for the can you and see you too old bit - you can! And you are not too old! I’d had a shite sex life until two years ago. Split with ex, chatted to several men online (here, dating apps and killing kittens - they were great for confidence!), had a couple of dates that didn’t really work out then met a couple of amazing men (not at the same time). It was a steady progression and they were more than happy with my older-than-yours body and lack of practice. I caught up with them quickly!!

Whatever you decide to do, I hope it involves mind blowing sex!

Hi Op

You have my sympathy. I know this dull but have you tried som thing different like a date away and a very very open chat.

plan it like an affair. Lovely hotel , picnic if funds dont stretch. Dress up and meet in the bar. Role play an affair but with hubby.

my advice is to fully open up you have zero to lose. Tell him If you have submissive feelings and be open. It will be tough but it’s worth a go

we had a similar thing 15 years ago but to a much lesser extent. I took the lead as he was slightly submissive and it changed everything

Good luck!

Your invitation to a threesome was delivered yesterday I see OP. Did you read the recent Thread about the trouble a threesome caused to a relationship? Also the Bisexual reference. It gets me annoyed to think that it is assumed that a Bi woman will accept any casual offer.
As said upthread affection and involvement is probably just as important as sex in this instance. You may have to be choosy before you find that.

Wise words. Try to fix this internally with your OH. Only you can decide what’s worth saving.

I totally understand your situation OP. You could have been describing my own situation. Like you, I have children I don't want to disrupt, but this loveless and sexless marriage wears me down. We are like house mates but it's not awful enough to blow up settled home life -especially for children. I am an attractive, articulate, fun nearly 50 year old woman with a husband who is happy just to plod along and dictate the end of my sexual life. I really sympathise and given you have been very clear and had conversations I hope you find a lovely FWB who might be in the same situation who makes you happy. I am seriously considering it too. No judgement from me.

So much I could say here,
But ladies please unload the guilt x

Wow loads more responses! I stopped checking MN for a bit (not flouncing just busy).

So @Shropshiregirl51 the thing is, DH will not have sex. Date nights etc make no difference. He won't.

@RunningOnMusic as it happens we had another talk last night. I said we'd agreed he'd have some idea by end June, he hadn't, now it was Sept - I said my life is slipping away and this just isn't fair. I said we could do counselling, buy some sex toys and explore, but he had to make some big move to show his commitment.

He said, he'd.accepted his own sex life was over now (he is 46) but we should "sort me out" and refused marriage counselling again unless I told him it was that or divorce, then he'd think about it.

I am not that ugly and I don't want to have sex with someone who is going through the motions. It would make me feel like a rapist, knowing he didn't want it and was waiting for it to be over. Can you imagine?

I said did he have any other ideas and he shrugged and looked defeated. He had no other idea, none at all.

Did you suggest your idea @JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff of getting yourself a FWB?

Hi, I am in exactly the same place as you, my DW is just not interested. Its always my fault for some reason, I put a long post a couple of years ago and got a lot of good advice (Hopefully you can find it). It really knocked me for 6 and knocked my confidence and self esteem so much so that I started comfort eating and not looking after myself. Of course that came the next excuse for the reason for no sex. Then my best friend went through a bad marriage break up and spelt it out for me...if you were single you would be looking after yourself more, why not do it now and see if it makes a difference. So in 6 months I lost 3+ stone, started to get nice clothes again and everyone saw a difference, even the school mums started commenting on how well I looked. Did it make a blind bit of difference at home no? Then there was another excuse for it not happening! I just didn't want to split up though, we have kids who I dote on and my 2 best friends have gone through terrible divorces where it has almost been war and the kids have been dragged from pillar to post - I just didn't want that for my family. I did think about FWB / Online dating and wasn't keen for some reason. This year what I ended doing is going to a adult weekend at a well known family holiday camp...and lets say lots of fun was had! If you want more details happy to chat on DM. What I will say is life is too short - you need to do what is right for you 😁

I wonder how many PMs the OP ended up receiving!

@maxiemouslady , I wonder how many offers she has taken up.
Did you get many from that thread you started?

A few…some very much not worth a reply!

What was the thread, sounds intriguing?!