Mourning my dead sex life

[Paloma2023]

I’be been with my partner 10+ and we’re ‘happily married’ - we get on, love our kids, everything else is great (ie I’m not leaving him), but the sex has never been good. First six months were great but it’s just declined since then.

He just has no interest in sex and my libido is so high. He has had ED issues, and we struggled to conceive so there were problems, we’ve talked about it a number of times where I’ve explained that I love him and the ED is something I want to work through with him. He’s on pills that help, but he never seems to want to do anything. We went from not having sex in almost two years to maybe once a month - progress - but now we’re back to nothing. and when we do have sex it’s just him having a few pumps and we’re done. As I said my libido is sky high so I read a lot of erotic fiction and have lots of friends who talk about amazing sex lives, and here I am with a husband who hasn’t made me come in a decade, and I’ve basically come to the conclusion now that he never will.

it’s breaking my heart. He just doesn’t understand why I’m upset because sex just isn’t a thing for him, so I think I just need accept that if I stay in this relationship (which I will) that my sex life is dead (and always was to be honest)

I just don’t know how to mourn that and honestly it makes me so sad.

Not sure what advice I’m asking for, I just wanted to get it off my chest as it’s on my mind constantly.

im the same situation, but it’s my DW who has no interest, we have no had sex this year., and about twice last year

the longer you go without, the more the resentment builds up, I’m planning to leave and I don’t feel bad about it anymore, we have had several chats and she doesn’t want to hear my side, so sod it, I’m done with her

My only advice would be to express how you feel in terms that leave no doubt, you want to improve your sex life or you will reassess the relationship, make that clear.

at least make sure it’s “ladies 1st” before penetration , or mutual masturbation

Thanks for sharing. And you’re so right with the resentment! Every day I think ‘maybe tonight he’ll rip my clothes off’ and then when just predictably rolls over and goes to sleep I just lie there furious, and it just builds and builds every night.

The thing is I don’t want to leave him - everything else is great, and we have other intimacy, hugs, hand holds etc, just no good sex.

Ive spent a useful morning reading posts here and I think you’re right that I need to have a real cards on the table chat, I’ve tried to be subtle, but we’re passed that now. And if things don’t change then….well, then I just have to buy a really good vibrator I suppose.

I wish you good luck, sounds like your mind is made up which I’m sure is liberating already - I wish you future of good sex!

I'm guessing that he doesn't know how strongly you feel about this and so I agree that a very direct unsubtle chat is the right thing to do next.

Having had a bout of ED recently I will say that it really threw my confidence but there are things that can be done that don't involve pills. Your DH sounds like he would have far more obstacles to surmount than me but even then he can do all manner of things that would all least give you some pleasure and he can start that today.

Thanks for replying.

I have told him before that it’s important. And he says all the right things in the moment and then maybe we’ll have sex that week but then it just goes back to normal, and it takes so much for me to be brave enough to even have that conversation that it’s pretty disheartening.

Ive even tried to explain that PIV isn’t that important to me, but he still barely makes any effort with anything else - I think he can’t get over that penetration isn’t the be all and end all.

I feel awful pressuring him, I know he is really embarrassed about the ED (despite how much reassurance I give him) but I just can’t help being selfish when it’s 5 years later and he’s making no effort to support me.

I'm a man in a very similar situation. For us it's been sporadic at best over 20+ years, but in reality it's always been like this.

Resentment is natural but it's a very destructive emotion, even more so when it's coupled with hope. I always used to hope things would improve, would make an effort to set the right mood etc. but that just made the resentment stronger when the inevitable happened. The rejection is also totally crushing.

I've come to the realisation that it's not going to change and have given up hope, have stopped trying to initiate anything ever, and tbh I'm in a better place emotionally.

I think you should seriously consider finding another way to satisfy your needs.

I'm in a similar situation so i massively sympathise. I don't know what the answer is, i wish i did.
My OH and I have been together 2 years and he hasn't really been interested from the start but he hid it from me. It turns out he has ED and performance anxiety and has apparently had that for many many years. Sadly, I feel duped. I think he should have been honest. I feel harsh that those are my feelings but it is true. My self esteem is at an all time low. Disappointing because I was single for a period of time before we met and I felt good about myself. I was more confident than i had been in a long while and i felt happy. But this issue has crushed me. I feel unattractive, unwanted and rejected. I have tried everything I can think of. I have been supportive. I have researched tablet and gel options and with his agreement have bought them for him. He will barely talk about it but when we do he promises that it is an easy fix and we just need to set time aside. So we do, and he changes his mind. Which makes me feel even worse. I think he now avoids any opportunity. I have stopped propositions him now as the endless rejections and usual, "I'm tired " just upset me. I don't want to lose him. But the resentment now is huge. He on the other seems very happy. He is happy with once every few months. Yet tells me his preference is 3 times a week. I actually don't believe him anymore sadly. My preference is also 3 times a week but I'd settle for once wvery couple of weeks. He doesn't even look at me in a sensual way ever. I feel awful about this and it's making me bitter and that's not who I really am at all

Reading these posts just makes you think how many people are in the same situation , men and women ! I guess as the saying goes ‘opposites attract’ .

i don’t want opposites, I want the same as me !

Thank you for this, your comment really resonated. The hope is crushing, and I think that’s why I wrote this post. I’ve started coming to terms that it’s not going to change, and I just need to mentally move passed it. If I’m choosing to stay, I’m choosing to accept this part of him, and resentment and disappointment will destroy me - so I just need to ‘get on with it.’. I just don’t know what that looks like for me yet.

Like I say, I’m in mourning!

I’m so sorry to read this. It’s so sad to hear how many people are in a similar boat.

The feeling of deception you have just adds another horrible dimension.

I’ve tried to have this conversation too where I just want an honest answer to ‘do you actually want to have sex.’ He always says yes, but then nothing changes. I would rather he was honest, and then I could deal with that and manage it. As another poster has said, it’s the dashed hope that is really the hardest part.

I hope things improve for you, but more than that you can move on from this, whatever that means for you

It takes a strong person to stay in a situation like this . What I mean is, compromise helps a relationship work . The question is , where is the compromise from him .

The thing to remember is that you have tried, I’m sure most of us have, but there is only so much you can do that.

I have stopped putting any focus on this because nothing lasts forever . If that means a change in circumstances, then so be it !

I can really relate to this. I the end I decided I'd prefer no sex life to one that made me so upset.

I can certainly sympathise with your feeling of mourning, and I really wish I had better, more positive advice.

While I feel like I'm in a better place emotionally, having given up hope, it's probably not the healthiest situation to be in.

Like you, I've tried to talk about it, although I got a very different reaction. I didn't get the false promises you got, instead I was made to feel like I was being selfish/demanding for wanting sex. She made it clear that she had no interest and that if it was such a problem for me I should find a sex worker.

Others would say I should leave the relationship but there are so many other considerations. We co-own a house, we share our finances, we have kids. We have a nice life together, we get on well and we have shared interests/outlook. The impact of separation on the kids and our family life would be more damaging than me missing sex.

I've thought a lot about finding sex elsewhere and have had a couple of opportunities. I haven't yet done so, mainly for logistical reasons (I don't really get a chance to disappear without being noticed!), but I have resolved to myself that I wouldn't feel guilty doing so if circumstances allowed.

I don't know if this helps at all. There's plenty to think about but make sure to be kind to yourself.

I think its pretty/very common.
Years ago knew a woman who had a string of FWBs - she reckoned many were married men frozen out.

I think this hits the nail on the head really, I have previously asked my DW if she thinks she will ever want to have sex again and she gets angry and tells me to stop talking about sex all the time

it’s probably been about a year since we last touched each other and the relationship has been fundamentally sexless for at least 5 years.
as per other poster, we co-own our house and neither of us could afford to move out really.

at the moment my options seem to be to look elsewhere or wait it out until I’m no longer interested , neither options are really what I want

Also a sexless marriage here. My DH has totally gone off me and sex. We live as housemates and it's so hard to know what to do. I've been a SAHM so financially it's difficult to leave, the DC are settled, happy and loved and I can't disrupt that because of sex. Sure I might not even meet anyone who would want me! So for now I'm stuck and will have to put up and shut up.

I am so sorry to read these replies, they contain so much hurt and sadness.
I have a question and I hope it isn’t inappropriate to ask here, please tell me if I’m out of line…
I worry that my relationship will become less intimate as we get older. (We are currently mid & late 40s). When you look back, were there any warning signs or was the deterioration a sudden event?

We're mid-40s and been together since late teens. For us it's always been like this, so I've only got myself to blame really, for 'accepting' the situation, but I always lived in hope.

There always seemed to be 'something' that meant she wasn't in the right frame of mind, whether it was exam stress, work stress, tiredness from having a baby/toddler. Each thing on its own us entirely understandable, but there's always been something.

Even in our 20s when we got our first place together it happened very rarely. We might have sex a couple of times in a week, and my hopes would be raised that we're turning a corner, then nothing else would happen for 6 months or a couple of years.

In the 7 years we had all our kids, we only had sex twice that wasn't ttc.

There was a patch during lockdown, maybe a couple of months when we had sex a few times, again I thought maybe we're turning a corner but it's now been 3 years.

The hope coupled with the rejection is crushing, and leads to resentment. To protect my mental/emotional health I no longer try.

In answer to your question, for us it's not been an age thing, in our case it's always been like this. As you get older there might be health issues, hormonal changes etc, that could change things, I can't really speak to that, but I imagine if you've had a good sex life up to that point there's no reason why it shouldn't continue.

@LDNH thank you for your reply, and I am so sorry for your situation. My sex life has not always been perfect, it has ebbed and flowed along with life’s stresses and successes and I guess I just wish I could weatherproof it against future challenges. Where do you go from here?

I’m with you and sympathise.
Same here, both in our 40’s, more than a decade together and while I wanted sex 7-5 days a week a decade ago, I am left with nearly to nothing for months now.
I should have payed attention form the beginning, I thought it was going to be different but no.
Now is too late to change anything, I have passed the no return date. I have spoken, asked, announced, made efforts, but nothing, nothing changed.
My DP promised to visit the dr, to check in himself, but nothing.
We have a good life and companionship - I believe- but sex is inexistent.
I must admit that after it all I have accepted that is just not for him. Maybe he doesn’t like woman and I don’t know ? maybe maybe maybe …
We start to questioning ourselves, don’t we?
At my rare once a month craving days I start to daydream about having sex, I watch porn and I do the job myself. Is lonely and sad. In between I fantasise about a party where we are all feeling the same and can go there is secret, once month for a few hours and leave happy to survive our sexless marriages for another month…. Crazy thoughts I know. I still have a lot of libido and I won’t make any life choices based on this, but honestly, it drives me mad not having sex :(

Finding this thread helped me to see that I am not the only one :( thank you OP .

And of course as another thread here, I do start to think about woman too. I am not bi and never been but I tried once and it wasn’t to bad lol
Maybe if I find a gf, would it be considered betrayal ? 🤣

@Catullus5 can I ask what you suggest with the non-medication things?

I'm in the same position, DH has a huge confidence hit because of it and I want to help him build that up again.

We got together in our mid 20’s sex was good at 1st but kinda drifted in our 30s, due to work, life, money etc all getting in our way .
I would hazard a guess that the last decade has been sexless ( less than 10 times a year), we are both in our 50s now and DW has beefed though menopause and now has zero sex drive,( and does nothing about that), we have had a few big talks about this and her closing shot for last year was that she would be happy if she never had sex again, we have no had sex last year or this year,

I have been rejected so often that I don’t even bother trying now & the resentment has set in from my side and I do dig here about a bit now and I don’t really care

We mostly sleep in separate rooms now, the flip side is that we have a nice comfortable life, no mortgage, nice house, do i throw all that away for sex ?

@Mermaidparades "Where do you go from here?"

I don't feel like I have many options tbh. The resentment has subsided over the years, so it doesn't eat away at me like it used to, although I feel a sadness, that I don't think will ever go away.

I've thought about finding sex and physical affection elsewhere, and have come close a couple of times. I don't feel guilty about that prospect, although it's easier said than done.

This sounds really sad and tragic, but a few times I've booked a massage (just a massage!) because I really needed some physical contact from another human.

For now, I'm just keeping my mind open for whatever life throws at me.

Kegels! Men can do them.

Either they worked for me. Or they worked because I believed they were working. Or the cause was something else entirely that cleared up by itself. So much of this is in the mind
Either way I haven't had any trouble for two months now, and not long before that I couldn't rely on an erection at all.

@acpk55 your experience resonates with me, although I'd be delighted with as much as 10 times a year!

As you said, do you throw away the comfortable life for sex? I think most people wouldn't. You've got financial stability, lifestyle, friends, family, presumably there are things you still enjoy together too?

Have you thought about finding sex elsewhere? Is it something you could ever talk to your DW about?