Why do so many people stay in sexless relationships

[CuriousQuest]

I see posts frequently on this board where men and some women, post that they’re in sexless marriages, often for months/years. It seems that the person who wants sex is begrudgingly staying in a sexless relationship through choice, rather than leaving the marriage and seeking another intimate relationship, is it always down to wanting to keep the family unit together or is it the fear of the unknown, lack of self-esteem, a deep love for your spouse that overrides your desire for sex, or something else?

Some of us cannot really financially afford to quit the relationship, but might be stepping outside of the main relationship to find sex.

Yes, all of that and likely more. Financial reasons, especially with the current cost of living situation. It seems selfish to break up a family just for sex. Or at least that’s how you think other people would see it.

Of course, you get so much more from sex than just a good feeling. But some people would never understand.

It's a really interesting question with many possible answers. The most confusing situation is where both partners seem well and happy....they just don't have a physical relationship!! I don't think I could do that.

I read 'Sex at Dawn' and 'civilized to death' they both raised some interesting perspectives on human sexual evolution and how it translates to modern life

There are a multitude of reasons people stay in any sort of abusive relationship, ans yes, I'd incluse a lack of intimacy as a form of abuse, some of which are extreamly complicated.

Everyone is different, and for a lot of people just walking away is not a simple or trivial task.

I was lucky that my XW knew that that things were wrong, and that the chidren were adults, but not everyone is in that situation.

Many people in a sexless marriage may long to get out and maybe even make plans to do so. But actually leaving the family unit and all the financial & emotional problems that brings can sometimes just seem too overwhelming, especially if apart from the lack of intimacy, your relationship is pretty good & you would ultimately be leaving a great friend to try and hook up with somebody else.

Couldn't have put It better.

Both my DP and I were in sexless relationships, both of us found other people to provide that and then left our relationships. Life is too short to not have the intimacy you need

@Deargodletitgo Couldn't agree more.

I’m always amazed to see people (overwhelmingly men) say they’ve been in sexless relationships for years and I often wonder why they stay for so long or how they even cope with their situations, I realise it’s complicated but I can’t imagine spending months/years with someone who is simply nothing more than a friend. I realise intimacy does come in many forms but kissing and cuddling isn’t the same as a sexual relationship.

Have to admit that it most of threads I had read on this site have been overwhelmingly females saying they are in sexless relationships, just a quick sample from “similar threads “

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4752968-sexless-relationship

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4653789-stuck-in-sexless-marriage-and-contemplating-leaving

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4634041-lack-of-sex-in-2-year-relationship

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4521257-Sexless-marriage

I’ve seen more men mention it in response to posts, whereas I think women are more likely to start threads about it. Maybe there is an even balance, or maybe not, I guess the point still stands.

@CuriousQuest possibly, I’m M and so is my partner so 🤷🏼, but I certainly have read waayyy more threads started by women than men about sexless relationships / marriages on this site, which kinda stands to reason when you think about the site membership, if you look at Reddit dead bedrooms is much more even

I think women feel its selfish to leave a relationship if there are children "just" because of lack of sex.

I think there’s a lot of reasons. My marriage is sexless, in fact it’s pretty much intimacy free, not at my behest as it’s my wife who says “sex isn’t important” to her. For me I can’t see myself ripping apart the family “just” for sex and intimacy, despite their importance. I’d say there’s also an embarrassment factor, I can’t imagine trying to explain to someone the reason we divorced was because we didn’t have sex.

Perhaps it depends how you view sex, with a lot of men it's a need of itself, so other things are viewd as separate. For some women - I'll include myself - given that sex is great, if I didn't ever want it with someone, it would be because other things in the relationship are problematic. So, it's not leaving because of lack of sex, its ending things because there are other problems. I doubt that many people who no longer want sex are perfectly happy with everything else. Its a sign that something is amiss. More like you don't want to with a DP or DH because there is resentment. So yes, fix it or move on - I moved on, due to it being unfixable. When the sex has died, it's because the feelings have, for me at any rate. But that's when libido still exist, some claim it's pure lack of libido, a possibility, but libido is tied in with how you are treated.

Three overlapping reasons for me:

1. lack of confidence that I could find a better relationship
2. hope that this relationship will get better
3. fear of all of the problems that leaving a long-term marriage would cause

I suspect that underneath these issues, I probably have some degree of untreated depression, which makes 1 & 3 worse. So, instead of doing something scary, I linger on discussions boards and complain. Not a particularly useful strategy, but seems like a common one.

It's far too simple to just say it's about lack of sex, or intimacy, or affection
Emotional connection is lost
There's more than likely no communication
There's resentment building from 1 side
Self doubt, low self esteem, feelings of worthlessness
And a lack of enjoying things together

When Everything that takes you from friends to couples has gone, then what are you left with ? And for some if everything else is ok, then maybe it will always be good enough. For others when there's been some other - not so serious - challenges. When will it ever be bad enough ?
So I've just separated after a long marriage, in as an amicable and healthy way as we can. We intend to stay good friends, because that's basically what we were.
I might never find anything or anyone else, physically or romantically but I will no longer feel lonely but together, in the way I did before

As much as anything it’s the fear of nobody else being interested, limited sex is better than none, who really wants some older model that’s not in the greatest of shape anymore

@Hijinks75 ..... I got to say, that's a ridiculous thing to say...... my present gf is 5yrs older, in her 60's, and would give a youngster in her 40's a run for her money I can assure you ! 😉

What I call casual Intimacy is such a bonding experience between two loving people, obviously sometimes leading to more.....but without it, surely a relationship is a friendship only?

For me, I felt guilty. I wasn't attracted to my husband and he was crap sexually. Long, sexless marriage. He was, however, a lovely person. I couldn't hurt him so accepted my situation and got on with life. I became lost when I hit menopause and when my mother died - same time period. Sex surge happened. I ended up with another man who opened my eyes and I fell for him - hook, line and sinker!!

I ended my marriage - immediately.

My biggest regret? Is that I didn't look after my own needs and lit a fire to keep someone else warm. I feel very bitter and full of regret about the fact I have missed out on years and years of affection and passion.

@NCmistermistress , phrased that wrong, wasn’t talking about the female , rather me as the older model that’s not in great shape, hence the fear of no one wanting you

Mostly I hoped it would get better.
We got on well otherwise.

For me, it was primarily the unjustified and nieve optimism that it would get better. A pp has mentioned abuse, and I don't regard lack of intimacy as abuse, but I think sometimes the reasons people stay are not dissimilar.