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Original poster

Stuck in sexless marriage and contemplating leaving

110 replies

sexless422 · 12/10/2022 16:26

I am currently in a sexless marriage with my husband of 16 years. Both in mid-40s. We have 2 DCs, a teen and a preteen. Our sex life has dwindled to the point where we no longer have it at all. The frequency of sex between us declined steadily from approximately mid-2017 . It went from once or twice a week, then every couple of weeks, then hardly ever before it stopped completely. The last time we had sex was in August 2020. I have not seen any signs of him cheating or anything like that, he just no longer has any interest in having sex with me. I have had many discussions with him regarding this, but he just deflects or dismisses my concerns. He also never responds to any efforts I make to initiate sex with him myself - and I have certainly tried.

I've persisted with the situation until now because I was holding out hope that things might change, but unfortunately they haven't. At this point, it feels like wishful thinking on my part to think the situation will improve. I don't think I can live the rest of my life without sex, yet he doesn't seem to have any problem with that. I've started fantasising about other men, and I've also been reading erotic literature online about married women having affairs, whilst imagining myself as being the female lead in these stories. Also, I was in a shop the other day and a man smiled at me. I was flattered and felt slightly giddy afterwards. The attention I got from him was honestly more than what I am receiving in my own marriage. This does not mean I am about to run off and have an affair myself, and I feel guilty for even thinking about it. I've started making notes on my phone about lifestyle adjustments I would have to make if I was to divorce DH. He earns more than me, but not by much. I am now weighing up if having to make such lifestyle adjustments would be a fair price to pay for me to actually have a sex life (or at least some semblance of one). Do you think being in a sexless marriage is grounds enough on its own to contemplate a divorce? Am I mad for considering it?

OP posts:
Sadgirlonatrain · 12/10/2022 16:39

You're not mad at all OP. I went to counselling to ask if I was mad to consider this too, and she reassured me I am not! Feb 2011 was the last time for us, and he's content to rumble on forever without any intimacy whatsoever. I can't. But at the same time I can't bring myself to take the plunge. Same age dc as you, and it's all such a worry what is the best thing for them? Am I doing them more damage staying in an unhappy loveless situation than 'breaking up' the family? Such a hard decision, you have my sympathy OP.

Bigbadfish · 12/10/2022 16:41

I could never live in a secless marriage.
But yours also sounds loveless.

If you have the meas I would definitely choose happiness.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/10/2022 16:42

Give your own self permission to leave, you do not need his. He checked out of this marriage years ago. There is no good reason for this marriage to continue.

theonlygirl · 12/10/2022 16:44

You miss and need to have sex. Your husband doesn't seem to. it's not sustainable unless you're happy to effectively become celibate just because you're married and everything else is ok. You've tried to talk to him, I'm guessing he won't go to counselling or a doctor? I think it is grounds to reassess your happiness. life is short. I'd have to really understand why he didn't want to have sex so I could make a decision. I couldn't go 2 years without sex I don't think. something has to give. either he makes more effort, accepts you can fulfill your needs elsewhere or split up.

Dynamicdinosaur · 12/10/2022 16:45

I was in this situation. We barely had sex from 2006 to 2019 and had it once in the last 7 or 8 years of our relationship. I am no longer married and have a partner of a few years. We don't live together but have a fantastic sex life. If you are really not happy with a sexless marriage then it is ok to leave. There are some wonderful men out there who even in their 50's still want and need an active loving sexual relationship with their partners

Crazykatie · 12/10/2022 16:50

I was older, mid 50s kids had left home it was a hard decision after 30 yrs but the best I have ever made, however I had “toughed it out” for 10 yrs until the kids had gone and for me it was the right decision. We didnt argue in fact we didn’t really communicate at all and had separate beds. I didn’t have affairs, then after I had left I found a new man quickly, life is much better now.

Always4Brenner · 12/10/2022 16:57

Sexless here never that fussed from day one, I’m now leaving. Not the only reason but no more men for me or women not inclined that way.

zonky · 12/10/2022 17:09

I think for many it gets like this : the drudgery of home life, raising children taken its toll, predictability, monotony.

The trick appears to be to have separate homes and have independent lives as one of the posters has described. Would you consider/be happy with that arrangement with someone else if you were to leave your marriage (I believe it's called together living apart model)?

pocketvenuss · 12/10/2022 17:27

Remarkably different responses compared to when it's the woman who stops wanting sex and the man is contemplating leaving

transplantyourmind · 12/10/2022 17:51

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines because we don't allow advertising on the main talk boards.

Freeflight · 12/10/2022 18:12

I'm the one who isn't interested in sex with my husband and never particularly have been and have rarely been satisfied by him.
Thats not that I don't want sex, I do crave it, but not with him.
He knows that I am not interested (potentially we have never been compatible, but he was also unfaithful once which I think impacts it)
I know he wants sex, but even though I have said I don't, he isn't prepared to admit that he doesn't want a sexless marriage and so we have reached the end of the line.

MMmomDD · 12/10/2022 18:22

Realistically - your options are:
…. tell him either he starts making an effort (sees the doctor, fixes his hormones, etc) or you are filing for divorce
…. he gives you permission to outsource, if he really can’t be bothered
….. you have an affair - plenty of married people in the same boat, there is an app for that

Most importantly - don’t feel bad for having physical needs. Life is too short to live like that.
If you are thinking of leaving - think about practicalities and what it would look like given your financial situation. And make a decision on when it’s best to do it - now or wait till your youngest is a bit more independent?

Of course - if you were a man here - you’d likely be told to make sure you do your share around the house to make sure he isn’t too tired for sex. You’d also be told that you aren’t owed sex in a relationship and DIY is a perfectly valid option if your partner doesn’t have a libido.

SuzySangfroid · 12/10/2022 18:26

No, you're not mad. I would also hate this and don't know if I could live with a sexless marriage, (unless maybe there was a medical reason for it). The lack of attention or affection makes this even worse.

Guiltycat · 12/10/2022 18:28

I'm in a very similar position op.

Best friends and love DH very much, but the lack of intimacy, affection and sex feels like it is slowly killing me (dramatic I know, but genuinely how I feel).

I had the big talks with DH and eventually he agreed to do something about it. He went to the doctor and was told he had low testosterone/high cholesterol and was given some Viagra.

The Viagra was fun, but he only took it once. And he didn't seem to be bothered about chasing up the doctor to sort his testosterone. Or sorting his cholesterol. All in all he just doesn't seem very bothered about anything, but especially me.

I feel like I can't even hug/kiss him anymore as he tenses up if it lasts for more than two seconds and it just makes me feel just awful. And I'm doing the same as you, fantasising about other men because I'm put off by how uninterested DH is. Not sure I even want sex with him anymore.

I can see how people in this situation are vulnerable to affairs to be honest. Initially I thought about staying together for the dc and having affairs but know that I just couldn't do it. I'll leave him first, but honestly I light up at the slightest compliment/bit of attention from a man now, which is not like me.

I imagine we won't be together for much longer. That would have been unthinkable for me to say before, it seems almost shallow to blow up my dc's lives because of sex. But it is about so much more than that, and it really destroys you when it seems you just aren't worth any effort/affection from them.

IknowwhatIneed · 12/10/2022 18:34

I think it’s very hard when sex and intimacy is off the table. I lived in a marriage that was sexless for over 16 years, we separated at the start of the year.

I don’t think it’s fair to take sex off the table without good reason, eg health issues, physical disability etc. The partner effectively commits the other to a life of celibacy without their consent. While no one should have sex if they don’t want to, for me it means actively renegotiating the basis of the relationship on the understanding that either party may chose not to continue with it.

To be constantly rejected is absolutely soul destroying, for your partner to not make any effort to explore why he doesn’t want sex with you - through therapy, medical help or just open discussion about why his feelings have changed, is unfair. It leaves you completely in the dark about what for you is an important aspect of your relationship.

I stayed as long as I could but knew I was vulnerable to the attentions of other men, and wouldn’t contemplate an affair. My kids are 9 and 11 and I feel enormous guilt about imposing such a huge change on them, but I also know I can’t do another 10 years without intimacy.

What I would say is leave before resentment sets in, try to end things on the best terms possible as far as that’s in your control but don’t wait for as long as I did.

ThisWormHasTurned · 12/10/2022 18:37

My marriage was like this. He withdrew totally. Slept in the spare room for years. Used alcohol as a shield (can’t have sex if he’s passed out on the sofa). I tried everything I could think of to change things - asked him to see the GP, his medical specialist (he has a health problem that affects his libido), asked him to get counselling. He just wouldn’t engage. In the end, I concluded it would be easier on my own.
It hasn’t been easy, it’s been financially tight at times! But I’m slowly getting my confidence back. I’ve lost weight, I’m healthier, I got a new job (promotion). Funnily enough, he sought all the help he needed after we split and met someone else within a couple of months! Funny that. I have had some time to myself. Joined a couple of dating apps. Had some not so great dates 😂 but I went on a great first date last weekend..I’d forgotten how exciting it can be getting to know someone new, first kisses 😘 I honestly have no regrets.

Anothernick · 12/10/2022 18:41

Sex is fundamental to a relationship - it is unacceptable for one partner to force celibacy on the other unless this is unavoidable, for medical reasons perhaps. Most people have a physical and psychological need for sex, this is perfectly normal. It's odd for a guy in his 40s to lose all desire, and even odder that he apparently doesn't see it as a problem. But if he won't change then you need to put him on the spot and either he allows an open marriage or you will go your own way.

Sunnytwobridges · 12/10/2022 20:02

I could live with a sexless marriage, but I couldn't live with not having a loving, intimate relationship. It sounds like you don't have either, and in that case I would have to eventually leave. Having a loving partner where there's intimacy (even sexless) is important and without that it would be soul crushing and cause resentment.

FridayNightWinner · 12/10/2022 20:10

A poster on here commented on a similar thread and described living in a sexless marriage as a death by a thousand paper cuts. A slow and painful process.

ArcticSkewer · 12/10/2022 20:17

You could ask to open up the marriage? Or be prepared that if you split up he may find a girlfriend quickly - which may be annoying, or you may not care. It's a deal breaker if you want it to be. It would be for me.

Original poster
sexless422 · 12/10/2022 20:42

I'm considering approaching my husband and asking how he would feel about me having my needs fulfilled elsewhere by other men. I believe that's what an open marriage is. If that isn't acceptable to him then I am struggling to see any option other than divorcing him.

OP posts:
Chickenkatsu · 12/10/2022 20:48

I'm in the same situation but male. DW even told me to have an affair, I'm not sure she really meant it though.

I'm thinking that maybe I can talk her round, although I've never been the best at seduction.

KangarooKenny · 12/10/2022 20:48

Why do you want to stay with him ?

Kenny69 · 12/10/2022 21:33

Same position here, but I’m the male, together 30 years no sex for at least the last 2 and sporadic for years before that, have been rejected so often I’ve given up trying (I doubt she has even noticed ) but the comment below made me smile, there certainly does seem to be different responses based on the gender of the person complaining about the lack of sex.

Of course - if you were a man here - you’d likely be told to make sure you do your share around the house to make sure he isn’t too tired for sex. You’d also be told that you aren’t owed sex in a relationship and DIY is a perfectly valid option if your partner doesn’t have a libido.

ArcticSkewer · 12/10/2022 22:13

Kenny69 · 12/10/2022 21:33

Same position here, but I’m the male, together 30 years no sex for at least the last 2 and sporadic for years before that, have been rejected so often I’ve given up trying (I doubt she has even noticed ) but the comment below made me smile, there certainly does seem to be different responses based on the gender of the person complaining about the lack of sex.

Of course - if you were a man here - you’d likely be told to make sure you do your share around the house to make sure he isn’t too tired for sex. You’d also be told that you aren’t owed sex in a relationship and DIY is a perfectly valid option if your partner doesn’t have a libido.

It's different people you know ... saying the same thing regardless of gender.

If you've got permission already, go for it. Don't wimp out. Once you've had sex with someone new a few times you'll see there's nothing really stopping you. Otherwise, stop moaning and be glad you are still married.

Op, at this point you don't have much to lose. He may agree to a variant of open eg 'don't ask don't tell. If he doesn't, well, you were going to leave anyway.

There's nothing more pathetic than complaining about a dead bedroom but not doing anything about it. Either do something or stop complaining.