So I actually just joined this forum solely to get this of my chest and maybe get some advice (I am not even a mom, but I am not good enough with my mom to ask for her advice 😅)
I am 24 and in a relationship for almost four years with a man. He is loving and caring, and I truely love him and all his weird little things. We can laugh with eachother a lot, but there is a "however" though, when it comes to sex we don't really vibe. It is a hard topic to begin with since he has a chronic illness, which when it flares up takes away his sex drive completely. I don't mind that, as I said before; I love him. But it seems as if he puts pressure on himself, as if he has to get it over with from time to time. When this happens, to me, sometimes, it feels like he wants to rush things.
The issue with me is that I have had traumatic experiences with sex in the past (like many women I know unfortunately) and this makes it difficult to enjoy sex as, I guess, is described as "normal". To give an example, the lights need to be on and I need to feel able to opt out at all times. It's not like he doesn't respect this alltogether, because when we talk about it he says he is willing to adapt to all of those things. However, I am not "allowed" to bring up anything about the trauma at any time, because this causes him distress (talking about previous relationships and their effects usually does). When we are having sex, and I want to stop, he accepts it, but is also deeply hurt, and will not talk to me about it. He will turn around, be mad or cry. And I do get that he might feel rejected in a way, but since we talked about it, I hoped that he would understand and let me decline without "concequences". I tried explaining it as seeing sex as something that can be interrupted, f.e. to initiate sex and then just go ahead and do something else. And that, for me, the idea that neither of us is obligated to finish makes it easier. Even if we never interrupt it ever again, the thought that it is possible to do that, is enough. He shrugged and said he thought that was a silly idea, leaving me feeling quite alone.
I also tried to explain the importance of connection to me: if we are not "connected" it feels impossible to have sex because it feels like a chore that way. So I got him to try tantra (meaning, first you take the time to build a connection by looking into eachothers eyes, set the mood, first touch in a non sexual way) with me, which for me was a very good experience. He felt it was boring, unimportant, but something we could try every once in a while. I cannot seem to make him understand that for me, at least building some connection (in any way possible) before actually going into it head over heals is not just important, but necessary. I tried just letting it go, making him happy, waiting till its over, but he notices if I do that and gets really angry. But if I do try to tell him to stop he gets mad as well, so there is no real good option for me there as far as I can see. The last times we had sex I felt stressed and completely froze, because its terrifying to me. Him initiating sex is enough for me to be worried about various things like "what if I will not get in the mood fast enough? That will disappoint him, hurt his feelings. What if he thinks I am not in the mood, when I actually am but just want to go slower? And he notices, then his feelings will be hurt and he will be disappointed. I tried talking about it, but it always ends up with me crying and him feeling insulted and frustrated (I am not really sure if in this situation he is more frustrated with me of frustrated with the situation itself). Ofcourse he is allowed to have feelings about this, I completely understand that in a way he feels rejected. But I am not really sure how we can incorporate his feelings into the equation, because he shuts off when having big feelings about something and I feel like it is hard for him to communicate these feelings in a way that I am able to understand. He usually shuts down, gets quiet, as if he is in his own space and can't find the words to describe what he is feeling (he also has this when talking about other feelings, like worries about his illness) he usually tries to hide his feelings, and he prefers not to talk about any problem with anyone.
Right now I told him I don't want to have sex at all. Also because I have been questioning my sexuality, I am not sure that is the cause of all this or it might be the things I described above or maybe both. It's hard because, unlike him, I do feel a strong need to talk about my problems and feelings, but don't feel I have anyone to talk to. When discussing my sexuality, or sex in general, with him, he is hurt and doesn't respond in any way. I have no idea how he feels about it apart from displeased. I can fill in the gaps, because I know it poses a threat to our relationship and that must feel scary and painful (he does let me know that he values our relationship a lot). When talking about my doubts about my sexuality he shrugged and said that, if I wanted to experiment with women I was allowed, but it did not feel sincere and I do not want to do that if I end up hurting him with it (which I think I eventually inevitably will by doing so) and also bc I would feel like I would be cheating on him for being with another woman, even if it's "experimenting". Objectively, even if he concents, I do think it is cheating.
In the beginning of the relationship, sex was easier, because I did feel that we took time to set the mood because at the start of the relationship you are still testing the water. But there has been an issue with pressure around having sex since the beginning (and for me in previous relationships, sex has felt like a chore to me, something I just had to do)
So anyway if you read all this I want to thank you, maybe you have an idea or any experience on how we can figure this out and what I can do to communicate my needs more clearly or make him more comfortable talking about his feelings. Or how I can explain my feelings without making him feel like I am attacking or criticizing him. I feel sad because our relationship is very loving on all aspects except this one.