Page 6 | Sexless marriage - circumstances

hanketypankety · 2023-01-08T16:31:11+00:00

If anyone is in a sexless marriage, how old are you? How long has it been? I'm 40, 1 DC and haven't had sex for 1 year. I'm in a state of mind right now that I think about it a lot in terms of we should be doing it, but I also don't really want to do it. Not looking for the usual posts of 'leave him!', 'how can you live like this' etc etc. just wondering who else is out there like me and going through the same thing. Please be kind [blush]

ThreeGoesAtAWord · 08/08/2023 12:56

For those not leaving - is that because of the fear of the unknown, not wanting to start over or is it because your OH means more to you - do you love them? Do you like other things about them? Or is your relationship just about sex?

ArthurKing · 09/08/2023 12:09

What's the saying? It's complicated.
I've been with OH over 25 years. We had a disabled son who died 5 years ago. I didn't want to walk, it took all our effort to care for him but being honest that was probably a cop out.
I have considered leaving since but what's the point? Being on my own I would still be bitter, and no one is coming to save me. If you go on dating sites and you are over 35 and under 5'9" I wouldn't bother, yes I had a look, curious to know if women were clamouring for the short, fat, bald, boring 55 year old (spoiler alert, I got zero interest). The years have pretty much kicked all the self confidence out of me anyway.
So we live together like a couple of bookends, she does her thing and is perfectly happy. I do mine and try to get over it.
Should've tried couples counseling.
Should've said something sooner.
Too late now.
She's a lovely, caring person I should appreciate what I have I guess but you see and read about others (the sex problems in the Weekend section of the Times on Saturday is a particular source of tears "We do it constantly because I have a normal sex drive with a man I still fancy but sometimes I feel sad about our wallpaper.")
Sorry for the self indulgent rant, once I start it's really difficult to stop. When I write stuff like this I can perhaps start to see why she's not interested anymore.

BeardedAndAnxious · 15/08/2023 16:02

I made an impassioned speech the other day saying how important sex was to me as part of the relationship. I told her what I wanted, needed, wanted to do to her, her to me. It was like a big, dramatic closing argument a lawyer makes at the end of a movie. Most eloquent.

Not much by way of response.

I understand that we're both tired from work / looking after kids / general life but we need to make time for just us so we can hopefully kick start what we had and don't become, what I fear is happening, roommates who've had kids together.

She used to be a morning person - now doesn't want to have sex before work. I suggest it in the evening once kids are in bed and I either get "we'll see" which then, after an hour of her doom-scrolling on her phone, becomes "I'm too tired" and she goes to bed. On the odd occasion that there's a green light it's "do you want to stick it in?" And it has to be downstairs because the bed is just for sleeping. I'm all for a quicky every now and again but when is there going to be a proper session?!

That's it, no kissing, no foreplay, no build-up, no working the way to something which is beneficial for both of us. I want to pleasure her and instead am made to feel like she's "doing me a favour" when I get some.

DixonD · 15/08/2023 17:26

BeardedAndAnxious · 15/08/2023 16:02

I made an impassioned speech the other day saying how important sex was to me as part of the relationship. I told her what I wanted, needed, wanted to do to her, her to me. It was like a big, dramatic closing argument a lawyer makes at the end of a movie. Most eloquent.

Not much by way of response.

I understand that we're both tired from work / looking after kids / general life but we need to make time for just us so we can hopefully kick start what we had and don't become, what I fear is happening, roommates who've had kids together.

She used to be a morning person - now doesn't want to have sex before work. I suggest it in the evening once kids are in bed and I either get "we'll see" which then, after an hour of her doom-scrolling on her phone, becomes "I'm too tired" and she goes to bed. On the odd occasion that there's a green light it's "do you want to stick it in?" And it has to be downstairs because the bed is just for sleeping. I'm all for a quicky every now and again but when is there going to be a proper session?!

That's it, no kissing, no foreplay, no build-up, no working the way to something which is beneficial for both of us. I want to pleasure her and instead am made to feel like she's "doing me a favour" when I get some.

That’s really sad. It sounds like you’ve tried talking to her but it doesn’t seem to have worked. The thing is, if someone is genuinely not interested, or has a very low sex drive, there’s not much you can do about it. It’s no fun having sex with someone who doesn’t really want it, if they’re just doing it out of duty.

Blokegarget · 15/08/2023 19:51

BeardedAndAnxious · 15/08/2023 16:02

I made an impassioned speech the other day saying how important sex was to me as part of the relationship. I told her what I wanted, needed, wanted to do to her, her to me. It was like a big, dramatic closing argument a lawyer makes at the end of a movie. Most eloquent.

Not much by way of response.

I understand that we're both tired from work / looking after kids / general life but we need to make time for just us so we can hopefully kick start what we had and don't become, what I fear is happening, roommates who've had kids together.

She used to be a morning person - now doesn't want to have sex before work. I suggest it in the evening once kids are in bed and I either get "we'll see" which then, after an hour of her doom-scrolling on her phone, becomes "I'm too tired" and she goes to bed. On the odd occasion that there's a green light it's "do you want to stick it in?" And it has to be downstairs because the bed is just for sleeping. I'm all for a quicky every now and again but when is there going to be a proper session?!

That's it, no kissing, no foreplay, no build-up, no working the way to something which is beneficial for both of us. I want to pleasure her and instead am made to feel like she's "doing me a favour" when I get some.

I feel as though you’ve pretty much had your answer by either the silence or ambivalent response you had from OH.

I think it’s actually very brave of you to have the talk. And to put forward your needs. Lots of people in marriages ( all genders) just play along or sit in hope or quiet desperation something will improve and are unwilling to rock to boat so to speak.

well done for having the courage though I admire your confidence in putting your views and needs across!

All the best for the next step ( whichever you choose)

Zebedee55 · 23/08/2023 09:42

I'm in a slightly different situation, but thought perhaps I could offer something.

I married my first DH when I was 18 (yes, much too young), and the sex was great. It was an ok marriage. We had two great kids, both worked hard and built a home (as you do).

But, when we got into our 30's, 1st DH decided he didn't want sex anymore. He wouldn't discuss it, just said he couldn't be bothered etc., There was no physical problem or anything, to be clear.

Along with no sex went no affection - absolutely nothing. It's soul destroying to feel so unwanted and undesirable.

The years rolled on, because I was not one to go out and have an affair, but I was deeply unhappy. I was just a housekeeper.

When I was 45 I (by total fluke), started chatting, on a money saving forum, to someone, for some laughs, and it later turned out that was having the same sort of issue with his wife.

We were online friends, then we met, the feelings grew, and the inevitable happened. It wasn't just about the sex - it was more about feeling loved, desired and wanted. Neither of us were up to swinging from the chandeliers any more, but we fulfilled each other needs with love.

Finally, we ended up moving in together. It caused uproar, I'm not proud of it, but I regret nothing.

We married, we had over 20 years of love and laughter. Even when his health declined and the sex became impossible, we kept the affection, cuddles, and love. That never waned.

He died earlier this year, and obviously I'm decimated.

But, this isn't about me - I just came on to say what I think. We all need love and affection. We need to feel loved, valued and desired.

So, I'd grab happiness where you can. However you can.

Its a lonely place, in a marriage, to feel unwanted. It's deeply unfair for one person to just withdraw all affection.

Best wishes to all.

overtaxedoverworked · 23/08/2023 23:49

DixonD · 23/07/2023 01:20

It’s not as simple as that is it?

Show quote history

If there are no children involved, the upheaval, the inevitability of friends and family taking sides and the return to a lifestyle (house/flatshare, no holidays etc) that you thought you had left behind decades before might be worthwhile.
Despite there having been no sex with my wife for twenty years, I cannot imagine that I would have survived lockdown without daily access to the DC.
Sex isn't the only thing in life, it's just a big part of who we are.

NothingLikeTheBlues · 24/08/2023 13:34

@Zebedee55
Similar story with me although it was me who stopped sex with my husband (many years ago) due to age gap and lack of connection/chemistry/passion etc. It became very clear to me that we were nothing more than friends but I, stupidly, accepted that’s the way things were and I had made my bed etc.

Like you, at 45, met someone online who I had started chatting to who - like us - was in the same boat at home. Well, to say we got on would be an understatement. In every way you could think of, we got on. Personally/sexually etc. It highlighted other issues, in my marriage, that were there - lack of connection and communication but, my goodness, lack of affection!!

Chatfriend never wanted to meet (he didn’t want to go that far). We did, eventually, and the chemistry was electric but we didn’t do anything that first time. He actually cut contact a while as he knew what was happening. Well, it did. Again and again. I ended my marriage immediately and felt like someone had come taken the rose tinted glasses a off of me. I didn’t expect this to happen tbh. I didn’t, actively, go out looking for anyone. A few years have gone by and we’ve met up quite a few times. Always enjoyed spending time with him but it became obvious he wasn’t ending his marriage. I knew I’d done wrong. Really wrong, and had ended up in something that should’ve been stopped quite early on. He is still in my life and chats to me etc. Has said he can never give me what I want/need and tries to encourage me to move on. It’s so hard though as it is very, very rare in my lifetime that I’ve come across a man who ticks all boxes and just makes me feel so alive/passionate etc.

I am alone now, and still going through a lengthy divorce, and I feel like I have totally messed up my life. However, I can’t comprehend the feeling I have knowing that I have missed out on a happy/healthy relationship. It is my biggest regret. I sacrificed my happiness for someone else and was clearly naive as a 21 year old! I hadn’t had a real boyfriend before my husband. Sex with him was awful. I wasn’t turned on by him in the end and he was lacking in something! I can’t imagine what but there is clearly something not right.

I’m glad things worked out for you but sorry to hear your sad news that he has passed away. That must be heartbreaking.

I second what you said at the end!!!