Sexless marriage - circumstances

[hanketypankety]

If anyone is in a sexless marriage, how old are you? How long has it been? I'm 40, 1 DC and haven't had sex for 1 year. I'm in a state of mind right now that I think about it a lot in terms of we should be doing it, but I also don't really want to do it. Not looking for the usual posts of 'leave him!', 'how can you live like this' etc etc. just wondering who else is out there like me and going through the same thing. Please be kind

You say you're thinking about it a lot that you 'should' be doing it, but that can be different from wanting to do it if you see what I mean, do you feel like you want to be sleeping with your DP? Have you discussed the situation calmly and honestly with your DP, what do they think and feel? Is it a genuine case of mismatched libido or are there other external factors that are putting either of you off?

Been in a dead bedroom for a number of years now. I moved in to the spare room about a year later.

Started with no sex, went to no intimacy of any kind, finally no touching - even holding hands was out ( we're too old !).

Saw a friend recently that commented the smile had gone from my face.

I suppose it's going to be up to me to be the bad guy, but we only get one shot at life.

@Justanotherguy2021 have you looked at the dead bedroom sub on Reddit , loads of very similar tales unfortunately

Yep, very familiar. Nearly 25 years married and can't face it. But the future is also scary, I may never find anything/anyone again but I'd think I'd rather be lonely on my own than together and lonely and resentful.
Lose the intimacy, lose the connection I think.

Nearly 30 years together and sex used to be a regular thing until the last couple of years. I understand that menopause has taken away her desire but it was like a light switch. Also no discussion - which is the hardest part. If I try to discuss it in any way this is shut down with - "you can't force me". I would never do that but the suggestion after all these years hurts. There is no consideration at all for what I am going through.

Sad reading everyone’s posts! Same situation here. I’m 34 and no longer allowed…different in that my wife says she does want to but then just doesn’t. Honestly never want to leave as we have young DC but don’t think I can love this way forever…

@Popatop with young children is a very different situation. Hang in there. Putting any pressure on her is just going to make it worse.

@Mirandaesque I've been having amazing sex with a bloke I met OLD. Divorce admin is completely shit, but I love having my own bedroom and not having to try to bend my life around his constraints. My 24yo asked me if I was sad when I told them - could very honestly say I'd been much sadder.

I felt like I'd had about a third of my life single, a third with him, and couldn't face the last third being more of the same!

@Iquitelikeicecream
same her, DW has gone through menopause, and it’s exactly like you say, like a switch, it’s not just the sex, No kissing, no cuddles, nothing affection, nothing & No discussion about it, it’s like I’m supposed to live without love or affection for the rest of my and be happy about it.

@Joey69 - been there, done that, got the T-shirt. It took me ten years to realise I couldn't continue like that. I hope it won't take you that long...

@WithTheirDogAfterTheWar I know have g young children makes it more difficult but I don’t see why it has to end it completely 🤷‍♀️. It’s me that gave birth so it’s not like a physical healing thing or anything…

Too follow on from other comments, it will s the affection that I miss. We don't cuddle, kiss, hold hands etc. I miss the warmth and softness of a female body. Sigh....

It’s the loneliness that’s the worst. I feel so alone and unwanted. It’s worse when she says she wants to sometimes, will do it and it just has to be in her terms but then she still never does. Why give hope. That manages to make it even worse

I joke to myself that my DW has found religion and become a born again virgin, relationship isn’t totally sexless but very infrequent and like others she won’t talk about it , has got to the point where I don’t even try to touch her as I know I’ll be pushed away, it’s not just the lack of sex but the lack of any kind of physical contact, have really reached stage where I wonder if I want to continue like this but despite everything part of me wouldn’t want to go

Sorry to see so many going through the same thing, but also slightly relieved that I’m not the only one!

Found this thread (and board, no idea this was hidden away here!) after searching for some on sexless marriages.

I’m 34, my DH is 48. I love him and have no intention of leaving our family, but really can’t cope with the idea that this IS IT for the rest of my life. No sex, and even more hurtful, no kisses/intimacy at all. It’s been like this for three years now.

I’ve tried talking to DH but he either gets really defensive or just promises it will all get better one day.

I’ve tried talking to a couple of what I thought were close friends, but just got blank looks and a bit of disdain, like I was smutty for even wanting sex. Or it was silly, selfish and childish to be hoping for some passion. I got a literal ‘but think of the children’.

I saw the thread on illicit encounters and it tempted me but not sure I want to go down that route yet!

I’ve been eyeing up the sex chat thread but am a bit scared! Not much experience except for DH so I’d probably be a let down!

I recently posted on a similar thread having name changed (as I have here) to talk about this particular issue. I've always been really, positively, massively enthusiastic about sex but married to someone I love and fancy madly but who has a low-level of interest.

I stayed in the marriage and for reasons I can't entirely explain things are much, much better now (twenty five years on) and my sexual enthusiasm which had taken a severe battering has returned. But for years it was the most awful, agonising experience not to feel wanted in the same way I wanted DW. It was purely and simply to do with differing levels of libido, although I agonised with all the "is there something wrong with/unattractive about me?" questions for a heck of a long time.

The loneliness and hopelessness were almost unbearable at times. I can totally relate to the feeling of hopes being dashed again and again, especially when she suggested sex might be on the cards but then it not happening. eg. when she said that she'd be "up to bed soon" but then stayed downstairs watching the television until 1.30 am, with me, tired out and sad just giving up waiting. That happened so many, many times. Or giving her a sensual massage but with her then just falling asleep. Which was fine, but it happened so often without the lovemaking I longed for..

For me too @Popatop loneliness - as well as the sheer weariness of having to keep fighting back the feelings of resentment which I knew could eventually destroy our relationship (a really scary thought) - was one of my major emotions of those years.

I really do feel for you. I know where you are coming from. I just wanted to say that you are not alone in your experience which is clearly evident from the number of posts on this issue.

47 year old female here, together 28 years and married 17. No sex since April 2012, and before that was sporadic for years (say every 6 months or so).

Was OK in the beginning but he’s just not interested in me at all now. We get on well which is why I am still with him, but even if he turned around now and was up for sex again, I don’t think I would be up for it with him, if that makes sense?

I’ve felt so disgusting, rejected and unattractive over the years that it would just feel weird with him now. We don’t even kiss anymore.

I don’t want to end my days celibate though!!

My heart goes out to all of you, I felt so broken by the whole experience. I think it's impossible for the other person to really understand just how shit it makes you feel.

The first time I had sex with someone after we split was amazing - I thought it might be weird having not done it for so long, but it wasn't at all.

@Bitofadryspell

"...but even if he turned around now and was up for sex again, I don’t think I would be up for it with him, if that makes sense?"

This really speaks to me. Years of feeling so rejected and disgusting (he would flinch if I tried to be affectionate or spontaneous/would need a few drinks before having sex with me), and now when he tells me he's up for it I have absolutely no desire to go anywhere near him, and I am the one that feels so guilty.

Yes, this all resonates with me. Together 20 years, married for 10. We are mid40s/early 50s. DW couldnt be less interested if she tried. Had a rare child free night at the weekend and she got excited at the thought that we could go shopping (which we can do when dc are home anyway as they are old enough to be left alone).

When I suggest sex if we are home, I generally get a shrug or change of subject, so don't bother mentioning it now. Its been months now, I can't imagine going on like this for years.

We have tried talking generally outside of the bedroom, when we are alone and not distracted, but all she says is that sex never really occurs to her to think about anymore.

Is anyone else struggling with the feeling that this is a real selfish reason to separate when the impact of separation on both partners and children, whatever age, and extended family would be awful.
there may be a few issues we could work out but it’s been a very long time for me and it’s not going to change, despite everything I’ve tried , it’s not going to change.
so I have a decision to make

Absolutely. I am the (grown up) child of divorced parents and it fucked me up quite frankly. Having only very recently found out the reasons for their divorce, it absolutely makes sense and was the right thing to do.

But when our day to day life is generally ok, dc are happy, and our standard of living is so much better than if we were to separate, so it seems to be a massive thing just for "sex's sake"!

Yeah, it’s so hard and I think that’s how my partner would see it. It’s the aftermath and emotional effect though isnt it. Without intimacy you lose the connection and if affects your self worth , It’s just so sad

Yes, I completely agree.

yep, totally agree with this, but it’s not “just sex’, is it, the emotional connection is lost, but the other person cannot see this, it’s like taking to a brick wall

All,
I'm so distreessed that so many people are going through this. My heart goes out to you all.

Yes, ending a marriage "just because of sex" seems harsh, but as a PP said, it's NOT "just sex" - it's the complete lack of intimacy - feeling that you may as well be alone, because your partner apparently has no interest in you as a person.

They don't want to kiss you, hug you, or even necessarilly touch you - you are living as housemates or very very good friends. You sleep in the same bed (maybe), but that's as close as you get - the dog (cat, budgie - insert appropriate animal) gets more affection than you do.

Of course it's going to affect the kids (Mine were both over 18, but I did put up with the situation for 10 years..), but here's the thing - they know something is wrong so whatever you do, they will be affected by it.

I wish I could wave a magic wand, and make it al better, but I can't. Virtual long distance hugs to you all.