Sexless marriage - circumstances

[hanketypankety]

If anyone is in a sexless marriage, how old are you? How long has it been? I'm 40, 1 DC and haven't had sex for 1 year. I'm in a state of mind right now that I think about it a lot in terms of we should be doing it, but I also don't really want to do it. Not looking for the usual posts of 'leave him!', 'how can you live like this' etc etc. just wondering who else is out there like me and going through the same thing. Please be kind

Can I ask what happened for you, how you got to a decision and what life is like now ? Apologies if that’s too intrusive

It can be regarded as selfish. But it's self-preservation imo. How selfish is it to want to not cry yourself to sleep, or want to not be slightly checked out of family life because you're in pain?

Your children and your extended family deserve the best of you tbh. Not a miserable version who's constantly slightly preoccupied with whether she's going to leave her husband or not.

I wrote this a year and 3 days ago, photo of quotation attached below:
"I saw this quotation last night from the new Elizabeth Strout book and it really spoke to me. That's how I feel. I know I'm separating myself off, building walls, but I feel too defenceless otherwise. I don't know if I care enough to do anything else at this point. It's his birthday on Tuesday and I haven't even got him a present!"

Absolutely agree with everything @AverageGuy said. It's not just sex.

One of the last few straws for me was last autumn when I said to him, "look, Cirque du Soleil are in London next spring, I've always wanted to see them, shall we go?" and he just said "no" and carried on doing whatever he was doing. Constant constant affirmation that he did not care enough about me.

I'm 32 and DH is 45. It's been 10 months since we last had sex. It's been once a year for about 3 years now, 5-6 times a year before that for a few years. Really when I think about it, it was only our first 1-2 years that were regular and then it dwindled.

I hate it. I feel like I just live and coparent with a good friend and not a DH. I have a much higher sex drive than him and the lack of intimacy and passion and want has really affected my self esteem over the years. I go through phases of feeling constantly horny and unsatisfied and frustrated to periods of utter self loathing for not being happy with what I have. DH is a good guy, and an amazing father. He's supportive and patient and caring in other ways and I flit between thinking it's enough and thinking I'll never be satisfied with this.

It makes me deeply unhappy to think of spending the rest of my life like this but it also makes me deeply unhappy to think of life without him if we ever split. DH has voiced before (after discussion started around a friend) that he disapproves of open marriages / poly etc. So I daren't suggest the idea to him. I have considered leaving once or twice, but then I always then think about what if my libido changes one day and my partner leaves me because of it when we have an otherwise good life and how that'd make me feel and it grounds me again.

Well...that turned into a bit of a rant! Glad to know I'm not alone though - although sad others are going through the same.

I’ve added a similar post speaking to the point that I now appreciate how it happens when you have children and busy lives.
my so and I really want to do it but there’s only 5/6 hours of time per day that they are asleep when we are both home and we need to sleep.
we’ve each come from marriages that have ended where we rarely (if ever) had sex and we vowed that we wouldn’t let that happen again. Turns out maybe it’s inevitable 😞

Had sex with my wife once in 16 years! The one time we did have it, when not trying for children it was basically starfish sex.
It's complicated (of course) we had a very disabled son which wore us both out but, essentially I was required for pregnancy and not required after. I tried talking about it and it was all nods and smiles, yes she did love me, yes she did still fancy me, children weren't kids anymore. I tried, it was awful. I could feel the ambivalence and desire for it to be over. I feel conned, like I wasted my life. I have provided, never been abusive. I'm the only one who drives so I have been constantly available for appointments. I didn't leave as it would have hurt the kids wrt transport, holidays, appointments etc. I have done my best however crap that was.
Would any lady actually tell me what is (was) going on? No point me leaving now (what did I do wrong?) I live with it but I want to end it I'm so lonely.

I'm sorry that I can't tell you what is going on or the reason for this @ArthurKing but I can tell you that there are many men and woman in this situation so you are not alone. Why is it too late to leave?

Hi Moving, thanks for the reply.
I know I'm not alone but I've never come across an example as extreme as ours without there being an external factor like illness, age or sexual issues. I think even couples who hate each other have a better sex life than us.
I have asked myself What would be better if I left? My wife is not a horrible person. She doesn't demand much from me now the child rearing time is over. I offer money to boost her income so it's equivalent to mine, she won't take it. I pay all the bills instead, she does her thing and I do mine. It's as if the marriage has left. We have drifted apart from the moment she fell pregnant with our youngest. No kisses, not even hand holding any more. If I left I would have to pay a significant amount to rent / buy a place and live alone. I'm not exactly boyfriend material at 55 and 5'6", in fact I often reflect I've done well to reproduce at all! I tried to set up some counselling but I struggled to find anyone, she doesn't think we need it anyway. I took her away to Naples and Austria last year, I tried not to put any expectation on it and, sure enough, nothing happened. I also appreciate complaining isn't particularly attractive but I can't keep bottling it up. It's not even the sex so much, I miss the warmth, the touch, the smell of someone.
Sorry to rant. Andy

M53, partner went through menopause and now has zero sex drive, no interest and no desire to do anything about it

im looking outside the relationship now, the resentment is building, I suspect we will split soon,

@acpk55 do you know how brutal menopause can be? It can literally change a women within months.

Oestrogen often isn't enough to revive a libido. Testosterone isn't prescribed on the NHS. It's a life changing experience and horrid at that.

Look outside the relationship if you want but trust me, living life with depleting hormones isn't a walk in the park.

@Runaround50
im sure it’s no walk in the park, but she has done nothing about it, 4 years now and I’m just supposed to be okay with that, we are different rooms now

to be blunt there are numerous threads on this forum from women saying their partners have ED and won’t do anything about it and the normal 2 answers are look outside the marriage or leave, so I’m talking that advice and looking elsewhere.

Testosterone is prescribed on the nhs, NICE guidelines clearly state it should be considered if a woman is on hrt and libido is still a problem.

Of course no one should feel they have to take medication to keep a partner happy but a healthy sex life is an important part of a good relationship and it astounds me how many people cba to do anything about it. Life's too short, either have sex with your poor neglected partner or end it and let them find someone who will.

@ArthurKing
Andy, M here.
I've been through the raising now adult disabled son and the heartache of sterile love.
Happy for you to pm if it'll help.
Cheers

I'm 34 year old woman and in sexless marriage with another woman. Honestly it's just so depressing. It's nto jist the total lack of sex it's that you end up with no relationship at all. Just 2 people who live in the same house. I honestly don't know how much longer I can stand it...

I am. Well, we do but only have only had sex once in the last year. Kiss and cuddle in bed rarely. Feel shit as I'm only 36. I miss him, I miss how we used to be

It sucks doesn't it because it's bad enough not having any sex at all but it's the loss of all intimacy. We don't even have real conversations anymore...

@Popatop exactly. I think it originally stemmed from difficult pregnancies and traumatic births plus miscarriages then the fear of getting pregnant again but it's the lack of any kind of intimacy that I miss. The touch of his hand, that look that means your in for it later, the sexy texts and the anticipation. The being wanted and needed in a way they can't get from anywhere else. Not just the quick, lust filled romps either but the gentle romantic ones too. That's all gone and I feel alone

@Imamumgetmeoutofhere totally feel the same. It's all the little missing things. Not being wanted at all is actually really painful. So sorry to hear about your difficult pregnancies and miscarrages. We had a difficult journey to our little ones too and it probably is a part of how we lost the relationship. I just so desperately don't want to feel all aone anymore

@Popatop I can't even bring myself to talk to him about it anymore. On the very rare occasion some foreplay happens (which never leads to sex now as he will always come quickly, obviously due to the infrequency of sex) the next morning he will make some sort of "joke" about it and call me kinky. Ffs, kinky for wanting to please my husband / have my husband please me. I nearly shouted at him the other day "for fuck sake, if I wanted a life of celibacy I would have joined a nunnery" but I didn't, held it back. Back to the self relief on the odd moment I get alone, which feels degrading now I'm not wanted by my spouse

How is it the denyer always has all the power?

Unfortunately that’s always the way, the person who wants less sex is always the happiest, they get everything they want in terms of the relationship / home/ stability without having to have sex

I'd love to know why the denyer has more power. I thought in my case it was because my husband is the denyer and generally men hold more power (call me sexist if you like but it is generally true)

I also was in the minority being the female who wants more and has the higher sex drive (even when we had it on the regular this was the case). But this thread has made me realise it's not just me which is a relief in some ways though sad others are feeling it too

For the last 9 years of our marriage sex didn't happen but that was due to her MS and the various medical problems it throws up.
In the 26 years before that it was a bit sporadic but I could cope as when she was up for it, it was very passionate and loving.
Since she died 4 years ago I have only had one brief relationship & it was a revelation that both parties could be so intimate and open with their desires, its opened my eyes & heart to the possibilities that those of us in our late 50's have to lead a love life that is satisfying.

@Imamumgetmeoutofhere yep sounds exactly the same here.
@ArthurKing the whole power thing probably isn’t a good way to look at it although I do get what you mean. Unfortunately the party that doesn’t want it does get to just enjoy everything else although over time I think everything gets tainted by the sadness and resentment of the other party. It’s slow but it gets eaten away.
I used to think on the rare occasion she wanted to and tried to initiate - well why should I? It never happens when I wanted it. So that was my way of taking the “power” back but in reality it didn’t help and just made it worse. But still would have felt degrading either way. Of finally allowed it now I should be so happy. Or was offered and turned it down so still unhappy 🤷‍♀️. Not an issue at all anymore as it’s so off the table it’s like a distant memory,

3 years without anything this month. Sometimes I sleep sounder in the spare room. All affection disappeared before this, and I brought it up gently a few times that it was bothering me and we needed to work on it.
the last time she told me she’d ‘have sex when she’s horny’. Only problem is I don’t know if I will feel the same by then.