Sexless marriage - circumstances

[hanketypankety]

If anyone is in a sexless marriage, how old are you? How long has it been? I'm 40, 1 DC and haven't had sex for 1 year. I'm in a state of mind right now that I think about it a lot in terms of we should be doing it, but I also don't really want to do it. Not looking for the usual posts of 'leave him!', 'how can you live like this' etc etc. just wondering who else is out there like me and going through the same thing. Please be kind

I got to the stage where I stopped asking. Im not highly sexed myself. Happy for once a fortnight.

So I waited and waited. It was nine months before she initiated. By that time I had lost interest. At least I wasn't laid in bed next to her with tears in my eyes after another refusal.

It was two years before we had sex again. It proved to me everything I needed to know.

One of the final nails in my marriage coffin.

I’m in the same boat. My wife hasn’t initiated sex since we were trying for our first child (he’s 11), our second child (she’s 8) only took a couple of goes before she got pregnant. I’ve tried bringing it up but she just says sex “isn’t important to her” and I’ve been rejected so many times I’ve pretty much given up now. The list of excuses is so long it’s laughable. The thing is, it becomes about more than just sex, intimacy itself goes, we used to cuddle more, spoon to go to sleep or when we wake up but none of that happens now. On the rare occasions when we have sex (not sure if we have this yes or not, can’t remember) it’s the same with her being completely disinterested and the cliche star fish thing. Pre kids we had a good sex life and now it’s the opposite, as others have said the one who wants less sex holds the power.

My honest feelings are I feel like someone she wanted to have kids with, she got my sperm and now I’m here to parent and pay for things (I’m the higher earner so not being flippant). It can make me, privately at least, feel quite bitter sometimes.

That sounds really miserable. I would have to leave, without a doubt.

I’m so sorry, that sounds like an absolutely awful way to live,
in your situation I would certainly be looking to exit the marriage asap and co-parent and dump the wife

@Confessions88 @acpk55 it’s the blanket “it’s not important to me” bit that’s the worst, I obviously can’t (and wouldn’t) force her to have sec but in the same way her effectively enforcing celibacy on me is IMO wrong. The thing is we get on well, generally have fun and live a happy life…but without sex and intimacy.

I often feel like I need a sexless marriage support group to go to!

@runnerjp I feel your pain

in the same position here and so much resentment has built up over the years that even if she tried to initiate I would knock her back , I don’t know why some women behave this way is completely selfish

am starting to look elsewhere now and will probably quit the relationship this year

It’s incredibly selfish behaviour.

I have the same with my husband. I actually feel like there is something wrong with me when my friends complain about their husbands ‘pestering’ them for sex. I’d be so happy!

I’ve been told by previous partners that I’m amazing in bed, and gifted in the bj department…but after ten years DH is not interested at all anymore.

But it seems he makes it worse, because he says everything is fine and often says unprompted that he loves/wants me and that he’ll ‘see me tonight 😉’…but then manufactures every excuse imaginable as to why he can’t.

It’s soul destroying. I hate the false hope I get as I lie there in bed wondering if he might pay me some attention, and the crushing realisation that it’s just not happening.

Also I’m not sure if it the case with anyone else…but could it be the age gap? DH is 12 years older than me.

But then I think I’m just trying to make excuses for him. I’ve had older men than DH show interest before so it can’t be blamed on his age alone I think.

@SilkenSaffy I know, it’s crap, I’ve been rejected so many times now that I’ve stopped trying and don’t pay her any attention in bed now. But I’m still expected to fulfill a complete roll the relationship., I think she will be completely shocked if I up and quit

It’s the excuses that I find so difficult, she’s given me so many that it’s honestly gets ridiculous. Some of the excuses also contradict each other too, which makes it even more ridiculous and, as you say, soul destroying.

I feel you on the lack of attention, it’s just about sex, it’s the feeling wanted, feeling close to someone etc.

@SilkenSaffy totally feel the same it really is soul destroying when they imply they might actually want to at some point! The false hope is somehow even worse than the forced celibacy which I totally agree also isn’t fair. It’s such a sad situation.

I’ve suffered “dead bedroom” in the past too.

I told my DW that sex is part of who I am and that if it wasn’t something that she wanted or was interested in then that was her choice, however I would have to get my needs met elsewhere.

this took lots of courage on my part.

until then, she hadn’t realised how much sex meant to me.

from that point forward her attitude did change and our sex life has re-blossomed and we’ve been able to have many more important conversations.

I’ve learnt that life is to short not to speak out.

My other half is on an afternoon/night out, many moons ago she’d have come in and would would have wanted sex. Now, she’ll come in, not even face me in bed and go to sleep. At least I know that and won’t have to go through the humiliation of spooning and feeling her go rigid in response.

That’s great to hear @BobOn that you’ve managed that. Unfortunately a lot of us on this treat have tried to speak out and to communicate with our other halves about the issues only to be met with either hopeful response that doesn’t pan out or just that that area of life isn’t important to them.

hi @Popatop, yes I got that response initially too.

what I learnt next really surprised me though.

for me, desire just happens.

for my wife it’s in response to certain things or situations

I’d tried out waiting her in the past and it was months with nothing- that’s when she said it wasn’t something she missed or was that bothered about and she could happily go the rest of her life without it.

I had to learn what worked to kindle that desire, instead of just assuming she was the same as me

A lot of women are like this I think, but not all of them. Your wife actually sounds a lot like my husband!

hi @DixonD
it still makes me feel undesirable - I want to be wanted

have you found out how to inspire desire for sex in your husband? I’m still trying to figure out what works

I feel your pain, I'm in the same position.

We used to have a good sex life, but it is all but over now. We’re in our mid-40s and have 2 x DCs (12 & 9). For around the last 15 years, there has been very limited sexual intimacy (about once every 2 months or so at best). For anything to happen, it must always be me who initiates it. I never pressure my DW to have sex or make her feel guilty.

When we do have sex, there are so many limits (time, place, no foreplay, no oral etc etc). I would love to have a more normal sex life but I am wary of jeopardising what little sex life I have by raising the matter much. I am also very used to plans being made but then to be rejected.

FYI, I have tried to talk with my DW about this on many occasions previously. She acknowledges that there is an issue but refuses to speak further or do anything about it. My DW would much prefer that we just get on with other areas of family life (DCs, finances, holidays etc) and enjoy all the trappings of a nice lifestyle - all of which I am more than happy do - if only I would just resign myself to a sexless marriage in my mid-40s.

The truth is that I feel utterly humiliated. I am at the very end of the road in terms of patience and it is unfortunately stoking negative emotions in me. I am the main earner and we have a good life in other ways but I feel I am being forced to decide between my DCs settled and happy lives and my now pretty miserable existence.

@NGLPeeps sorry to hear that. What you say I’m sure resonates with a lot of us here in the thread. You sound like you have some intimacy at least which is better than nothing.
i’m early 30s and the idea of being sexless for my whole life is just too much. I don’t want to rip my family apart but I don’t know how long I can manage to just accept 5minutes maybe once every 6 months at the very best. It’s sad when you realise the person you are married to just doesn’t actually want you in that way.

@NGLPeeps and @Popatop I've been in a similar situation in my marriage - months of waiting for her to want me, feeling like a sex-pest and somehow unnatural.

I realised that this wasn't fair to me and that life was too short.

The person withholding anything in a relationship is the person with the power.

I had the following conversation where I respectfully told her that:

1. I loved her and I loved our relationship
2. being sexual was a part of who I am, not an add on or a nice to have
3. if she didn't want to be sexual anymore then that was her choice, however I wouldn't accept it being imposed on me
4. I had no intention of cheating on her, I wanted an ethical solution
5. I needed my sexual needs met and if she had no interest in meeting them then I'd need to get them met through opening our relationship
6. I needed to know what could work for her in order for her to want to be sexual, because it was obvious that what I was doing wasn't working for her

It's been a long journey from that moment, we still have our dry patches, however we've gone from her saying "I'd be okay if I never had sex again, because it's not something I feel the need for", to her getting frustrated that the kids are off school because we can't get it on during the day time.

Having said all of this, I have to constantly work on kindling her desire. The longer I let it go out, the harder it is to set on fire again and the dimmer the glow.

Even with the successes I have, it still very much feels like she should "just want me" without me needing to put in all this very hard work. I do think she, and sex, are worth the effort though.

l’m sure there will be / have been a lot of people wrestling with the prospect of breaking up their family over something such as this, which seems foolish. However, the reality is that it isn’t just about sex, it often has other dimensions to it (lack of respect, controlling / punishing the other person, confidence issues, growing apart, infidelity etc etc).

I have some huge decisions to make soon. Ultimately, if you don’t respect yourself, you can’t expect respect from others.

Thanks for sharing, that’s excellent advice and very fair in my opinion. I’m glad that it’s paying dividends for you both. As you say, not an easy road but worth the effort.

If one person in a relationship isn’t happy due to something as fundamental as this, it must surely make the other person unhappy in some form or another. Surely you want to make each other happy. That’s probably the point I struggle with most.

Anyways, some very frank conversations ahead!

@NGLPeeps I agree that it does affect the happiness of both people - that's what was going on with my wife and why the more I chased her about the subject the more she shut down.

She felt guilty for not having sex with me and that made here feel bad, so she avoided everything to do with talking about it or doing it. She was kind of ghosting me on the subject.

She'd see my frustration and trying to initiate as a criticism for the amount of time that it was since she'd last done it - the guilt built up and that was expressed as annoyance or even anger.

That became a vicious cycle of less and less communication and less and less sex.

I now tend to lead with what I suspect she thinks, so she can tell me if I'm right or not.

"I think you feel guilty and bad for not having sex with me. I think you feel like you're letting me down. Am I right? Or is it something else?"

This allows her to understand that that's how she's coming across to me, and by me voicing it it allows her to be more open with how she actually feels.

Sorry @BobOn, I’ve only just seen this. I have actually, or, at least, he wants to make the effort for me. Of course I want him to want it for his own sake though; otherwise what is the point? No one wants sex with someone who doesn’t want it.

Anyway, we hadn’t had sex for five months and when we finally did, I talked to him about it afterwards and how my sex drive had shot up recently and I told him all the things I’d imagined doing. It seems to have done the trick as we’ve had more sex in the last two-three weeks than we have in the last year.

I think we’ve been misunderstanding each other - he thought I was “sexually reserved” - his words, and I thought he wasn’t interested. I don’t know though; we’ll see what happens and if he manages to sustain this renewed interest.

Good luck.