Page 5 | Sexless marriage - circumstances

hanketypankety · 2023-01-08T16:31:11+00:00

If anyone is in a sexless marriage, how old are you? How long has it been? I'm 40, 1 DC and haven't had sex for 1 year. I'm in a state of mind right now that I think about it a lot in terms of we should be doing it, but I also don't really want to do it. Not looking for the usual posts of 'leave him!', 'how can you live like this' etc etc. just wondering who else is out there like me and going through the same thing. Please be kind [blush]

BobOn · 18/07/2023 16:58

That's great news @DixonD and I really hope it continues for both of you.

Was he shocked at how un-reserved you actually were?

DixonD · 18/07/2023 17:11

I think he was a bit surprised and he’s suggesting some new things to try, and reintroducing stuff we’d tried in the past with the I’d enjoy them now (I have been to my surprise, I must say!). Perhaps it’s the thought of experimenting which has renewed his interest. I’m not sure the same approach would work with a woman however.

DixonD · 18/07/2023 17:12

*the hope I’d enjoy them now.

DixonD · 18/07/2023 17:13

We’ve gone 13/14 years with a pretty poor sex life so I’m not sure how optimistic to be but I’ll just enjoy it for now.

I hope things improve for you.

acpk55 · 18/07/2023 18:21

NGLPeeps · 18/07/2023 13:15

I feel your pain, I'm in the same position.

We used to have a good sex life, but it is all but over now. We’re in our mid-40s and have 2 x DCs (12 & 9). For around the last 15 years, there has been very limited sexual intimacy (about once every 2 months or so at best). For anything to happen, it must always be me who initiates it. I never pressure my DW to have sex or make her feel guilty.

When we do have sex, there are so many limits (time, place, no foreplay, no oral etc etc). I would love to have a more normal sex life but I am wary of jeopardising what little sex life I have by raising the matter much. I am also very used to plans being made but then to be rejected.

FYI, I have tried to talk with my DW about this on many occasions previously. She acknowledges that there is an issue but refuses to speak further or do anything about it. My DW would much prefer that we just get on with other areas of family life (DCs, finances, holidays etc) and enjoy all the trappings of a nice lifestyle - all of which I am more than happy do - if only I would just resign myself to a sexless marriage in my mid-40s.

The truth is that I feel utterly humiliated. I am at the very end of the road in terms of patience and it is unfortunately stoking negative emotions in me. I am the main earner and we have a good life in other ways but I feel I am being forced to decide between my DCs settled and happy lives and my now pretty miserable existence.

I know exactly how you feel, my DW likes the trappings of a nice life, nice house, car, holidays etc, but we have not had sex ( or kissed or cuddled ), for a couple of years now, that part of our relationship is totally closed down, but I’m still expected to be main earner and finance things I don’t necessarily want or need

it’s pretty shit

BobOn · 18/07/2023 19:34

Thanks @DixonD

i think some people crave variety in sex and without variety they get bored and don’t want it?

I like the comfortable slippers of Saturday morning nookie while also being up for something much wilder and kinkier

NGLPeeps · 19/07/2023 00:04

Sorry to hear that mate. Anyone, man or woman, playing such a game is honestly playing with fire by disregarding their partners feelings / emotions in such an obvious way.

sickofteenagers · 20/07/2023 00:18

I made a plan for my escape and tan!

ArthurKing · 20/07/2023 23:03

I think if I pressed my wife she would give me sex but it's not about that. I don't want maintenance sex, I want to be wanted. Nothing will put me off quicker than her rolling her eyes and saying "go on then". Makes me wonder if she ever actually wanted me in the first place. Was I just some sort of consolation prize?
Every Saturday I read in the paper a "sex problem" where they both have an amazing sex life apart from one tiny flaw. I should leave, why don't I?

acpk55 · 21/07/2023 09:17

@ArthurKing That’s exactly how I feel,

I could probably have sex if I pushed the issue, but I really want is her to actually want me, but she doesn’t

it seems to selfish to end the relationship over sex just feels like I’m here to pay the bills and take the bins out and not wanted for anything else

DixonD · 21/07/2023 09:31

I agree, no one wants sex with someone who doesn’t want it. The whole thing is about being desired and desiring the other person.

gottobemoretolife · 21/07/2023 10:11

I'm in a sexless marriage too. It's been quite a few years now and it makes me so sad. I stopped trying and initiating a long time ago. My DH just doesn't want me any more. I just got on with things for a while but now I've come to resent him for it, and I'm really not sure how we can come back from this. I miss being desired and wanted, I miss affection. I feel like all I am is a housekeeper and nanny. So I understand how you all feel.

Interestedonlooker · 21/07/2023 11:39

I think this hits the nail on the head here.

Blokegarget · 21/07/2023 23:56

I’m 43. Married no kids.

we’ve been sexless for probably at least 3-4 years. She stopped going down on me about 8-9 years ago but I still reciprocate ( If you can even call it that).

im desperately sad, and feel so alone and unloved…. I don’t know how to approach the topic but last time we had a discussion about things non sex but just as critical she burst into tears, I retracted , we carried on as normal.

I fear the conversation will be the same.

should I accept she doesn’t want sex wjth me anymore ? And resign myself to a sexless life forever?

im Desperately sad about it all. Any advice appreciated.

boredandalone · 22/07/2023 00:28

gottobemoretolife · 21/07/2023 10:11

I'm in a sexless marriage too. It's been quite a few years now and it makes me so sad. I stopped trying and initiating a long time ago. My DH just doesn't want me any more. I just got on with things for a while but now I've come to resent him for it, and I'm really not sure how we can come back from this. I miss being desired and wanted, I miss affection. I feel like all I am is a housekeeper and nanny. So I understand how you all feel.

This is me.

DH and I still have sex occasionally but only if I initiate. He won't go down on me (he had a bad experience in the past I think), so I respect his boundaries on that front but I am still desperately sad for myself. The sex is good when we do have it, but it's very samey. I tried to initiate the other week but he had pulled a muscle running that day so was sore. His response was to roll over and try to go to sleep, no offer to help me or even hold me while I touch myself. I cried myself to sleep that night.

The confusing thing for me is that he is a genuinely wonderful husband in every other way. We enjoy each others company, he buys me thoughtful gifts, he respects me and the work I put in for our family, and yet he never turns to me in bed of his own volition. I've bought it up a few times recently and he just never changes. My therapist suggested writing him a letter so I can properly explain how much it's negatively affecting me.

acpk55 · 22/07/2023 11:02

Blokegarget · 21/07/2023 23:56

I’m 43. Married no kids.

we’ve been sexless for probably at least 3-4 years. She stopped going down on me about 8-9 years ago but I still reciprocate ( If you can even call it that).

im desperately sad, and feel so alone and unloved…. I don’t know how to approach the topic but last time we had a discussion about things non sex but just as critical she burst into tears, I retracted , we carried on as normal.

I fear the conversation will be the same.

should I accept she doesn’t want sex wjth me anymore ? And resign myself to a sexless life forever?

im Desperately sad about it all. Any advice appreciated.

You are only 43, which is pretty young to be sexless, ( I’m much older) I think you need one more talk ( ignore the tears ), if things don’t change in the next xx period, you need to reassess the relationship , can you move into a spare room?

divorce is no fault now, so if not happy divorce your wife

WithTheirDogAfterTheWar · 22/07/2023 12:58

@Blokegarget it’s soul destroying. My advice (having been there and finally getting divorced) would be to talk to her about it - try to make it non critical though! Explain how shit you feel. Tears may happen, it’s an emotional subject, try to persist with keeping communication open. Try to offer practical suggestions of improving (non sexual) intimacy. But make it clear that you don’t just want to live like this forever, and that this is a conversation you’ll be coming back to.

Blokegarget · 22/07/2023 17:38

boredandalone · 22/07/2023 00:28

This is me.

DH and I still have sex occasionally but only if I initiate. He won't go down on me (he had a bad experience in the past I think), so I respect his boundaries on that front but I am still desperately sad for myself. The sex is good when we do have it, but it's very samey. I tried to initiate the other week but he had pulled a muscle running that day so was sore. His response was to roll over and try to go to sleep, no offer to help me or even hold me while I touch myself. I cried myself to sleep that night.

The confusing thing for me is that he is a genuinely wonderful husband in every other way. We enjoy each others company, he buys me thoughtful gifts, he respects me and the work I put in for our family, and yet he never turns to me in bed of his own volition. I've bought it up a few times recently and he just never changes. My therapist suggested writing him a letter so I can properly explain how much it's negatively affecting me.

Show quote history

So sorry to hear this. I can identify as my DW is great in lots of other ways. This is our major stumbling block so to speak.

Others have great sex lives but their partners don’t support them/ do little housework or worse.

is it possible to even have both? I’m not so sure anymore.

its refreshing that you initiate I don’t even what that feels like anymore.

I think we both need a sit down with our partners don’t we! And explain under no illusion what our needs are. It’s tough!

Blokegarget · 22/07/2023 17:39

WithTheirDogAfterTheWar · 22/07/2023 12:58

@Blokegarget it’s soul destroying. My advice (having been there and finally getting divorced) would be to talk to her about it - try to make it non critical though! Explain how shit you feel. Tears may happen, it’s an emotional subject, try to persist with keeping communication open. Try to offer practical suggestions of improving (non sexual) intimacy. But make it clear that you don’t just want to live like this forever, and that this is a conversation you’ll be coming back to.

Thank you so much for the advice I really appreciate it.

I need to do something !! I can’t go on living like this …

herbetta · 22/07/2023 23:22

I have read the full thread and just wanted to offer some thoughts or insight around hormones & the peri / menopause etc as it seems to be a recurrent theme.

I think it's complicated, and starts gradually & potentially years before the full onset. I thought I could & should manage without HRT, but I had no choice but to relent and it was the best decision I ever made. It's been a huge learning curve. You usually start on the lowest dose and will need to increase as time goes on. The peri/men can make life 'flat', you lose your mojo, there's a lack of joy. It can have many physical symptoms, including vaginal atrophy and dryness and can even lead to the inability to orgasm. Many women are reluctant to try or are scared of HRT. Some women see no need to take it for these symptoms alone. BUT, the evidence is becoming very clear that HRT can not only improve health / symptoms, it can more importantly prevent heart disease, osteoporosis and dementia - probably bowel cancer and diabetes as well.

HRT should include Testosterone - I take it in quite high doses for the mental health benefits. But, it's had absolutely no effect on my libido at all - which is what I mean about it being complicated.

ThreeGoesAtAWord · 22/07/2023 23:26

Genuine question - if sex is so important to you, why do you not leave?

DixonD · 23/07/2023 01:19

Blokegarget · 21/07/2023 23:56

I’m 43. Married no kids.

we’ve been sexless for probably at least 3-4 years. She stopped going down on me about 8-9 years ago but I still reciprocate ( If you can even call it that).

im desperately sad, and feel so alone and unloved…. I don’t know how to approach the topic but last time we had a discussion about things non sex but just as critical she burst into tears, I retracted , we carried on as normal.

I fear the conversation will be the same.

should I accept she doesn’t want sex wjth me anymore ? And resign myself to a sexless life forever?

im Desperately sad about it all. Any advice appreciated.

Please don’t be like this for the rest of your life. Don’t be put off by tears. You deserve an explanation. I’d try talking to her and then you may be better placed to make decisions.

DixonD · 23/07/2023 01:20

ThreeGoesAtAWord · 22/07/2023 23:26

Genuine question - if sex is so important to you, why do you not leave?

It’s not as simple as that is it?

Bananas1350 · 23/07/2023 04:38

I’m going to write from the point of view of the person who didn’t want it.

we had a great sex life before having our son and then it all went wrong. On both of our parts. I had a ton of medical problems after having our son and the thought of getting pregnant again scared the hell out of me. So I kind of checked out. Would not let it happen.

I was the only one getting up in the night. The only one doing any house work or looking after my son. I was beyond exhausted

I spent a lot of years resenting my husband as his life barely changed while mine changed and not for the better. He also didn’t understand that I wanted more than just sex. But anytime I tried to cuddle up or just have a kiss it always had to lead somewhere. It was exhausting. So much so that I stopped hugging or trying to snuggle up in bed.

We have had times of huge pain and nearly splitting up over how unhappy I was. After many arguments and me putting my side across. He finally listened and starting helping out ( bit too late for helping with the childcare but still )

our sex life still isn’t what I want it to be on a regular basis. Been on holiday for the last few weeks and had sex or messed about everyday which has been amazing.

I am a huge believer that sex is so important in a relationship otherwise ur just friends. But some of the reasons we didn’t over the years were valid ( hard to have sex when ur organs are falling out of that part of ur body )

I am determined to keep up what we have now as I love him so much. I always think it is a work in progress but we are getting there.

acpk55 · 23/07/2023 06:51

ThreeGoesAtAWord · 22/07/2023 23:26

Genuine question - if sex is so important to you, why do you not leave?

It’s not quite that simple, when you have built a life and family and home with someone it’s difficult to just up sticks, plus I’m older and the thought of starting again is frightening, life is actually looking quite bleak right now