I think he’s sex people. Should I say something?

[HereWeGoAgainPart2]

Apologies in advance for possible tmi.

I’ve been seeing a very lovely man for nearly a year now after separating from my dh. I’m pretty inexperienced sexually and now finally in my late 30’s I’m realising what all the fuss is about sex. New partner and I have an amazing connection, I’ve never had sex like this before at all and it’s all been an absolute revelation to me.

Partner has been very patient with me as I have a few hang ups, have never had sex with the light on before I met him, have never had anyone even go down on me before. As I said, sex is incredible (for me, at least), it’s all very vanilla but he’s never pushed me in anyway to do anything that I don’t want to and never even suggested or tried to do anything I’m uncomfortable with.

But when I was with him at the weekend I was lying in bed while he was getting some bits out of his wardrobe. In the wardrobe were two large boxes - one was a stripper pole and the other was a sex swing. I have no idea if that’s what was actually in there, they could have just been boxed for storage (possibly? maybe?).

I’m not sex people so I don’t know if that’s the kind of thing that you keep between relationships? I guess they’re wipe clean? I half want to ask him but half don’t in case he starts doing a pole dance for me. Could it maybe just be something he keeps for a fancy wank or similar?

If someone likes stuff like that does it ever go away? He says he’s very happy with our sex life and has never done anything to suggest he isn’t.

But now I’m concerned that I’m going to end up in a sex swing or maybe he’ll be in the swing and I don’t know what to do with a naked man in a swing and it’s all a big mess.

@username34512875 it's sort of a cross between the sex pistols and the village people I think 🤔

@username34512875 RTFT

Either he's used these things in previous relationships or wants go use them now or in the future. Just ask him. 'I saw a sex swing and stripper pole in your cupboard. Are you wanting to use those things with me?' Talk to him.

Have you posted before? Please don't tell me that he's the man who said something horrific about what you look like.

My friend has a sex swing - she has poor mobility. Her and her husband have a very active sex life. as I've been told countless times. She thinks everyone should have one.

@CanadianJohn

If a swing was attached to my bedroom ceiling, I'd be worried about bringing the house down. Or maybe that's the idea.

Depending on the construction and the fixture of the swing, if done correctly would be quite stable

You've posted before about this man I think? Isn't he the one who 'managed to find you attractive' or something?

Either he's used these things in previous relationships or wants go use them now or in the future. Just ask him. 'I saw a sex swing and stripper pole in your cupboard. Are you wanting to use those things with me?' Talk to him.

@CarnationCat I hope you're not suggesting OP do everything he wants, whether she likes the idea or not.

You don't even have to try a thing to know you don't like the idea of it. I don't like the idea of sky diving for instance, and have no desire to try it.

@me4real no way. I didn't mean to suggest that if that's what my comment sounded like. I mean that if the OP asks him what he's thinking and he tells her, she can decide what she does or doesn't want to do. There's no point the OP making assumptions about what his desires are.

He must have a lovely big wardrobe..

@HereWeGoAgainPart2 I looked up the previous thread as PP's mentioned it. I don't like the sound of him.

I'm not sure what à 'stripper pole' is, but are you sure it is not one of those 'cat climbing frames' disassembled and just stored in the wardrobe along with a sling for some sort of on-line gaming app where you pretend to be weightless?

Just thinking out loud really...

OK, so - my boyfriend and I are sex people. Wild and crazy ones. In this relationship. Neither of us have been before. We’ve both been around a bit and had a few partners - but in quite vanilla ways. Our relationship has been revelatory to both of us.

BUT, he says that, while he loves the sex peopleness, (and I am quite certain he does!) if we split up he could equally be perfectly happy going back to just vanilla sex, as he loved that before and felt fulfilled by it, with the right person.

For me on the other hand that’s not an option. I now feel like I have discovered my true sexuality, and understand why I never really properly enjoyed sex before. So if I split up with him and seek a new relationship, I will make it a priority to establish early doors whether the new guy is in to the same stuff sexually that I am. Otherwise I won’t be wasting either of our time.

So, some people can take or leave their fetishes. Some can’t. It seems implausible that this guy would be wasting his time with you if actually he found the sex unfulfilling. You have no reason to assume so, unless he in other ways seems inadequate or dodgy or strange.

I’d just go with it if I were you. Just be clear on your boundaries (it sounds like you are) and do what you enjoy doing. Unless there is something wrong with him, if he craves the stuff he did in the past, he’ll mention that, ask you what you think, and (depending on how important it is to him) either cheerfully accept that it’s not what you’re into, or move on. You don’t have to sit there second guessing him in your own head. He’s a grown up - assume he is capable of telling you what he wants!

Gosh, my wardrobe has a pole in it - a horizontal one for hanging clothes on. Never thought it could be DH’s from a previous relationship.

Aww OP. Are you the same poster that said their partner said they were surprised they found them attractive and that you weren’t clever?

I think there is probably some communication issues going on here (I’m putting it mildly) if he says things and you also don’t feel you can openly talk about sex with him.

@CarnationCat - I was thinking the same about a previous thread. OP, did you post fairly recently about your DP making thoughtless comments about your appearance while drunk?

I've got a sex swing so I guess I'm a sex person! I bolted it into the ceiling joists myself. Loads of fun. I also have an extensive collection of BDSM toys and props.

But... I certainly wouldn't have any expectation of a new partner that they'd necessarily want to use those toys and props. We'd have a conversation about it and, if they declined, that would be the end of it. A mutually beneficial relationship is based on respecting each others' boundaries.

Even if your chap has a sex swing and a pole, that doesn't mean he's wanting you to use them. You most certainly shouldn't be worried that he's some sexual deviant with all manner of weird and wonderful fetishes!

As PP have said... talk to him! "I saw a sex swing in your wardrobe. What's that about then..?"

Thank you lovelydiscusfish, that’s very reassuring. He has told me that he’s very happy with me and we’ve discussed our future together. Hopefully he means what he said, I think he does.

twoleftsockswithholes 😂 it definitely wasn’t a cat tree. I could only see the box and it was just a big pink box that said ‘sexy stripper pole’ with a cartoon of a pole dancer. It all looked very Ann Summers hen party gift quality rather than anything I’d trust, but as I said, I only saw the box. Maybe it’s actually a very sturdy pole that comes on a crappy box!

We’re sex people and practice d/s. The turn on for dh isn’t dominating me in sex; he gets turned on by me being turned on by being dominated.

There are things that he’s done with previous partners that I will never do and he’s fine with that. There are even things that he would absolutely like to do that I don’t enjoy (anal/ threeesomes) and he’s fine with those limits too.

Maybe it’s like that for your bf? Be confident in the connection you have together. Great sex isn’t about specific acts, it’s about the way you make each other feel.

Thank you so much pp for the Alan Partridge clip. I needed a laugh today and the timing/responses in that are just perfect.

Lynn these are sex people!

@HereWeGoAgainPart2

lifeissweet that what I’m worried about. I now think that next time we have sex I’m going to be spending the whole time thinking he probably wants to stick something up my bum

Don’t knock it ‘til you’ve tried it.

Cat pole!! I am now picturing the cat doing a sexy dance around the cat tree.
OP if there's no hook in the ceiling he can't hang up the swing.
Is doing a "sexy dance" a requirement now? I've never done one and come to think of it dh has never done one for me either.

I agree with some previous posts. He's a grown man. If it was important to him in a relationship he would be mentioning it. There are also websites and places to find "sex people" so the fact he didn't pursue those and is in a relationship with you shows it's not a necessity.

Obviously follow your instincts but don't undermine your confidence and relationships just based on paranoia in your head.

@WonkyCactus

Sorry but LOL at the boxes being for storage. I don't think he's keeping his winter clothes in there - he's sex people.

He is so sex people.

And that Alan P was great. I'm still feeling queasy. ☺️

Personally I think enjoy his expertise and don't worry about the sex swing. More likely he'd start off getting you to sit on it (...) and maybe it would be fun? Sounds like he knows what he's doing.

I'd be more concerned about the pole dancing. You need to get into some serious training for that.

@LubaLuca

I think sex people is like M People - most people claim not to like them, but if it's playing they're dancing, sort of thing...

I'm impressed that he's storing his equipment so well, and in its original packaging. He'll get a much better price for them on eBay that way.

😂😂 yes