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Sex

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Original poster

AIBU. Told partner I don’t like .... (explicit)

108 replies

lifecanbelovely · 10/05/2019 16:35

Not sure if it’s too early for this post but here’s a warning of explicit content.
I recently told my BF of 18 months who is one of the most attentive and selfless lovers, that I don’t like giving BJs. I think I may have ruined our sex life. Have I screwed up? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Sparklyring · 10/05/2019 16:36

If it puts him off then he's not the right one. Never do anything you don't feel happy with.

WarIsPeace · 10/05/2019 16:40

If he's not horrible, he'll appreciate the honesty and not want you to do anything you dislike.

Lots of people aren't mad about it, it's perfectly normal to have preferences and you don't need to feel bad about it.

mimibunz · 10/05/2019 16:41

I told my husband the same and he was fine with it. Or at least he was too courteous to complain.

WarIsPeace · 10/05/2019 16:41

The whole point is that you both enjoy yourselves.

thecatsarecrazy · 10/05/2019 16:43

Not unreasonable. My dh has only ever had 2 from me in 13 years. I don't like it

Snuggz · 10/05/2019 16:43

Guess it depends on how much he likes them. For some men, it could be a deal breaker. Have you asked him?

Does he return the favour to you?

JuniFora · 10/05/2019 16:46

I'd dump any man who said he disliked performing oral. In his position, I'd be angry that you wasted eighteen months of my life. Fine if you don't like something but you should have been honest from the beginning.

randomchap · 10/05/2019 16:50

He may find it a bit odd if you've been hiding this and giving enthusiastic BJs until now. If you suddenly stop without an explanation then he might be concerned that he has a hygiene issue, or that he's done something to upset you.

Talk to him and explain, there's plenty of other things you can be doing together which you can both enjoy.

I found out after about 6 months of seeing a woman that BJs gave her a really sore jaw. After finding out that they hurt her, I never asked for one again. We still got married.

Strugglingtodomybest · 10/05/2019 16:52

Yanbu, you don't have to do anything that you don't want to.

recrudescence · 10/05/2019 16:53

Well, how did he react? Did he say or do something that indicated your sex life was ruined?

skybluee · 10/05/2019 16:53

No you haven't screwed up. It's important you were honest. No decent partner is going to want someone to do something they don't like doing.

Furrydogmum · 10/05/2019 16:53

It is something you should only do if you enjoy it.

fedup21 · 10/05/2019 16:55

What did he say?

DpWm · 10/05/2019 16:56

I don't think anyone really enjoys giving blow jobs.

I do it because I know how much DP loves it, and in return I get something I love too.
Sometimes sex is about giving as well as only doing / getting what you enjoy most.

I would feel rejected if DP said he'd never go down on me, ever. I'm sure he doesn't love doing it as such but he gives it because he loves me. It's not surprising if your DH is a feeling a bit rejected.

specterlitt · 10/05/2019 16:57

If he is as loving and as selfless as you say, he will hopefully understand.

Perhaps speak to him explaining why you do not like it and maybe you can try other things? Just never feel you HAVE to do anything sexual with a partner that you do not like or are not comfortable with.

Magenta82 · 10/05/2019 16:57

This would be a deal breaker for me.
I have put up with too many selfish men who refuse to go down on me, or make it obvious that they don't enjoy it, or want a medal for doing it.
I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a man who didn't like oral and feel this works both ways.

Bibidy · 10/05/2019 16:58

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but I also do think there's an element of give and take (literally LOL) in this kind of thing and it might be worth thinking about whether you want to draw a line through it completely - and as someone else said, for some men that might be a dealbreaker - or whether you just want to make him aware that it may not be a regular thing.

I don't think many people enjoy giving BJs (me included) but I also appreciate that they're not for me.

It's completely up to you. You shouldn't feel pressured to do anything you're not comfortable with, but I also think relationships, including the sexual side, need compromise. It's whether it's a dealbreaker for you that's important really.

SomewhereInbetween1 · 10/05/2019 16:58

I guess it depends on you as an individual. Yes on the one hand you shouldn't feel forced to do anything you don't like, but equally you then can't be aggy if he decides to stop giving you oral too. It's a tricky one and I think there's a lot of grey area which differs relationship to relationship. If you don't like giving them, then don't. Your body your choice.

Ninkaninus · 10/05/2019 16:59

If it’s a dealbreaker for him then that’s fair enough. But you also shouldn’t ever do or be expected to do something sexually that you don’t enjoy.

GabriellaMontez · 10/05/2019 16:59

Yanbu to tell him. Has it caused a problem?

Ninkaninus · 10/05/2019 16:59

And it’s not selfish in and of itself to not enjoy oral sex. Expecting or demanding it whilst refusing to give it, sure.

ItalianEarthernware · 10/05/2019 16:59

I'd not be pleased that you weren't honest sooner. Oral is a big deal to some, it's best to be honest. I'm with Juni.

DpWm · 10/05/2019 16:59

^DP obvs not DH.

ReganSomerset · 10/05/2019 17:03

Don't do anything you aren't comfortable with, but maybe explore why exactly you don't like it. Is there a way around it?

PCohle · 10/05/2019 17:03

If my partner announced that he hated going down on me after 18 months of doing so I'd feel very hurt and self conscious.

I think you should have either made your feelings clear up front or accepted doing something you tolerate but don't love as part of a mutually satisfying sexual relationship.

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